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something struck me earlier this evening.
2005 is almost over with.
i know, its october on the calendar. that should be a clue that “hey, the year is drawing to a close”. what hit me harder, was the fact that life still feels like its on hold.
like im circling the airport, the sunset behind me, but there isnt an open runway. my landing gear isnt dropping. “something” is keeping me from the next thing.
part of me is pushing for the next thing. part of me is hungry. unsatisfied. unwilling to accept the “now” in favor of lusting after the “next”. its a void in my life. and i know its there.
but another part of me is quietly wondering if this is the “next”. if i should stop living in the hope of a next and start living in the real of the now.
maybe its because life isnt easy. and we humans dont like to intentionally put ourselves where it hurts. but it does. losing a best friend hurts. watching your sister break down into tears at the mere thought of eating a meal hurts. being totally helpless about both of those situations… it hurts.
and the part of me that is whispering quietly about the benefit of the “now”. is quickly being drowned out by the part of me that is screaming. screaming in frustration. screaming in anger. screaming in hate. screaming in pain. screaming in fear. screaming alone.
there is supposed to be a beauty in surrendering. in learning to let go. in letting loose. there is suposed to be a beauty in giving up and giving it over to our Creator.
im beginning to believe that this beauty has more in common with an ancient shipwreck nestled in the coral at the bottom of the sea, than the beauty youd see in your local mall. its exotic. its unusual. its a beauty brought of violence. a beauty birthed with tears. a beauty that doesnt come from pampering or prestiege, but one born from loss, heartache, pain.
the difference between this beauty and the one our world worships, the one you see plastered in magazines, on tv, billboards and desired by women everywhere, the difference between true beauty and this plastic beauty is that true beauty is earned… and it cannot die.
it doesnt need to be touched up. it cannot be reapplied. it doesnt fade, warp, change or lose its luster.
true beauty is born from a brokeness within. true beauty exudes a light that no darkness, no matter how powerful, can extinguish. true beauty is both terrifying and wonderful. true beauty is a process. its a journey. and its one that requires the willingness, each and every day to step up and answer questions that you dont want to be asked. it demands all you have and when you think you’ve given all you can, it shows you more that must be given.
true beauty is horribly beautiful.
and its what i live for. or rather, what i want to live for.
so if this is “now”. if it means i need to stop panting for the “next”. then so be it. im already to the conlusion that its beyond my own power to accomplish either goal. this, more or less, is just my confession that i cannot do it. i cannot create in myself, by myself the beauty i so hunger to see. the beauty i need.
and therein lies the key.
i need.
and i cannot fulfill the need.
are we left here on our own? can you feel when your last breath is gone? night is weighing heavy now. be quite and and wait for a voice that will say…
come awake. from sleep, arise. you were dead, become alive. wake up wake up. open your eyes. climb from your grave into the light.
bring us back to life
although words just dont seem to be here tonite, i could not let this week in September pass by without saying something.
im not sure i have words right now. not for what this week represents. for how much, what seems lifetimes ago, life changed. the world changed. my world changed. and i started a journey that i never in my wildest dreams could have fathomed. life fell apart. and i was forced to pick up the pieces.
now i stand, four years later amazed at whats happened. holding fast to the break of day….
ill be honest, for the most part im too afraid to look for His hand in all this. in all thats transpired. im resistant to finding His over-arching will buried inside of the shadows of the past 4 years. im not wanting to believe that a loving God could have anything to do with all thats happened.
………
i’ve absolutely no idea how to close tonites post. so im not going to. not officially. but ill leave you with this…
a new song.
for a new time.
and by the way, welcome back to my life…
oh Lord, why did you forsake me
oh Lord, dont be far away
storm clouds gathering beside me
please Lord, dont look the other way
oh Lord, dont be far away
storm clouds gathering beside me
please Lord, dont look the other way
we are crooked souls
trying to stay up straight
dry eyes in the pouring rain
well
the shadow proves the sunshine
the shadow proves the sunshine
i miss you.
i know ive done everything possible in previous postings to not broach this subject. ive written so many things about dealing with life, about living, about having the rug ripped out from under you… ive intentionally written about everything else there is to write about. but at the end of the day, if im honest with myself; i do, i miss you.
im sorry i dont know how else to express to you what im feeling. “i miss you” hardly covers it. and i know that for the most part, if ive said anything on the blog, its only had to do with moving on. that is part of the truth. that is part of what im feeling, definitetly. but its not all of it. it is absolutely not a lie. but its not the whole truth.
the whole truth would include care, questions, wonderings and im sure some whys would be thrown in there. the whole truth would show you how much watching this expanse grow, hurts. it would express how; well, you said it yourself. maybe not in so many words, but your basic thought was how important our feelings were. for, if nothing else, they validated how much someone meant to us.
my point? im not sure totally. but you need to know, and i need to say, you’re still valuable. and saying goodbye hurts. and maybe in this case, those two things go hand in hand.
i dont know what the future has now. you and i were inseparable. and now, well. its not that way anymore. i dont what to do now. i honestly dont. i dont know if this is goodbye, or see you soon, or… i just dont know. i guess its whats next isnt it? its whats coming. and its where the roads are leading us. so bring it on.
i pray for you, for the roads we walk from here on out…. i pray that we may always discover. i am thankful for the God of all things new.
may God be with us. and may life be breathtaking.
silence is both beautiful and breathtaking; and terrible and controlling.
its in the moments of silence that we are forced to listen to the things we try to hard to cover. its those monets we are made to sit down and look ourselves. its in those moments of silence we realize who we are. we realize our dreams… or realize where we lost them.
we realize who our friends are, and we realize those who may not fit into that mold anymore. we see the roads we need to walk, and we see who may walk with us, and who wont.
and if we’re brave… we welcome the silence. if we are willing to tear our eyes from the gloss and glitter we frantically attempt to distract ourselves with, and seriously look at what stares us in the face, we see the things we didnt want to see. we see whats real. whats true. whats here, now and whats not.
we hurt. we cry. we question. for some of us, we know this road. we’ve walked it before. we know the pain that it will bring. we know that this path brings fire and we know that fire burns. we bear the scars of having walked similar roads before. they are our battle wounds. and for most of us, we are fiercly proud of having lived through the hell that was that road. we may not look towards the next step on that road with happieness, but there is a joy in the pain.
as enraptured in the pain as we may be, we know that these moments, these times of silence, are always orchestrated by the master conductor. and no matter the pain we feel now, our tears will blend together into the beautiful symphony that is going to be our lives.
we welcome the silence. because in silence we change. we become less of who we are and more of who we want to be.
one day my ashes will return to earthly slumber
spread far and wide across the desert and the sea
until then i will live each day in awe and wonder
and look forward to each sunrise
spread far and wide across the desert and the sea
until then i will live each day in awe and wonder
and look forward to each sunrise
does it say anything about my growth, or lack of growth when i look back on the past 2 years of my blog and realize that i am still learning the same lessons i was in 2003? it probably says volumes. do you consider it failure? or, do you just realize that learning these lessons is what life is all about?
i think its both.
im slowly realizing that ive been waiting… waiting on life to start. ive been waiting to jump into all that ive wanted to do. ive been waiting for circumstances to get better, for life to stop falling apart, to stop hurting, for more clarity.
and ive realized that im literally missing out on life. these challenges, these times of pain, these things that get only worse, these times of stepping out of the comfort zone, this is life. this is what living is all about. dont get me wrong, this isnt ALL there is, i know that. but for now, this is it. THIS is what im talking about.
its about declaring what your heart already knows. that right now, today is a beautiful day. and you’re the only one keeping you from realizing it.
its the guttural scream that it doesnt matter. that no matter what is thrown my way i am going to live life. I am going to laugh, i am going to cry, i am going to experience all that life has to offer. this is life. and i am choosing to live it.
its about knowing you are where your supposed to be. its about learning that you’re absolutely a genius at derailing your life… but its also knowing the one who can put it all back together.
its realizing that this isnt what i signed up for, this isnt what i dreamed id be doing at 25. this isnt the life i would have chosen to live. but for right now, this is all ive got. and nothing, absolutely nothing is going to stop me from living.
i may not be the person i want to be. heck, to be honest im no where close. im not ready for the things i wanted to be ready for. im not through dealing with the issues i wanted to be beyond. im not who i want to be. but im renewing my commitment to get there. im declaring to my saviour, im signing the contract. this is my declaration, my line in the sand, my….
my negative return.
there are times in life when all we know and relied on is seemingly ripped from beneath us. things you thought were forever suddenly dissapear and we’re left reeling. it may be a parents divorce, or the death of a close friend or relative…. whatever caused it, its not a nice feeling.
even when circumstances reveal themselves to be differnet than what they appeared… the emotional damage may already be done. and the recovery from that can take time.
i hope that tonite, if you find yourself stunned from something you thought would always be there, you can find hope in the fact that you’re not the only one. you’re not alone. and that sometimes these times serve to remind us that maybe, just maybe we turned our attention from our first love.
its in those times when we either run to someone… or to someOne. its in those times we can see whats truly in our heart. our ability, or stark inablity to love unconditionally. our ability or inabilty to continue to trust, to have faith, to hope when our hope has been attacked, and our hearts wounded.
to remain thankful even in the difficult times.
oh Lord, please light the fire
that once burned bright and clear
replace that lamp of my first love
that burns with holy fear
that once burned bright and clear
replace that lamp of my first love
that burns with holy fear
oh Lord, You’re beautiful
Your face is all i seek
and when Your eyes
are on this child
Your grace abounds in me
sometimes, in our most selfish, if we take just one moment to stop… we realize the depths of depravity we can sink to. and we realize again how much we have to be thankful for.
there have been many changes over recent weeks. some i knew were coming, others caught me offguard. some are good, some have left me reeling and hurting. some were tremendous blessings, others may be blessings in disguise.
but in that, there is a peace. there is a knowing that no matter what changes. no matter the rugs that are ripped from below our feet… no amout of pain or heartache. in the midst of mist, the mist of questions that are unanswered… there is a peace.
a peace in knowing that im not alone through all this. that there is a reedemer. one whos is constantly looking for me. looking out for my best. even when all i can seem to do is find what i want. this one still holds out hope that ill come around and follow what is truly best for me.
nannykate asked me to update my blog. because its been quite a while. i know it has hun. and im sorry. so much has changed even recently, i honestly dont know where to begin. but its so good to hear from you. and i guess you’re part of the reason im blogging right now.
you’ve had more than you fair share of pain. you’re still young and you’ve been through so much. and yet you continue to chose to live. you wake up next to the man you love. you… you live.
and that inspires me.
seeing 7 astronauts entrust there lives to a small white capsule as they hurl themselves into the unknown of space inspires me.
i was listening on the way to work this morning to the countdown for the shuttle… and as they were broadcasting the radio communications from mission control, one of the controllers said something odd…
negative return
discovery had reached the point of negative return. as i quickly learned, that point during liftoff is when; due to speed and altitude, even if something was to go wrong, there is no turning back for the men and women on board.
that was the point of no turning back.
and from inside of me… that rang true.
ive not spent enough time of late listening to that voice. the voice that whipsers that there is more. that there is still sunlight to be felt on my face. that the dust that clouds will disappear. that life is more than this. and that reaching that point of no return, and moving beyond it… is when we truly will expierence life.
imagine it… less than 600 people have ever been in space. less than 600. thats one in 10 million people. less than 600 people have ever reached the point of negative return…
its a risky and dangerous point. there are no guarentess after that point. no promises of safety, or of a safe return (i.e. challenger, columbia). yet they pressed on. they expierenced something that most everyone never will.
they lived.
if you were to ask me if, even after all ive seen, would i be willing to press through negative return… id answer no.
and im ashamed of that.
im sitting here asking myself what happened to the joy? to the excitement of the Christian walk? what happened? where did i leave it? when did i stop pressing forward and become content with the mundane? when did i trade a life of take up your cross and follow me… for the life of take up your day planner and go to work…
what happened to the boy who wanted to see the dead raised? who had dreams and desires of becoming a pastor? what happened?
…..
life will continually make us face moments of negative return. and most of them will never be anywhere near as large as the ones that 7 crew members faced earlier today. most of them will be small and seemingly insignificant. most of them will be easy for us to overlook. they will seem to be small annoyances that snap us out of our mundane lives. they will be the things that will make us late for work, or look weird at school… they will be the times when we chose to swallow who we truly are for the we that we want others to see. they will very rarely be events. they will almost always be somethign we can forget about. but each time we chose to back down, to live a life below the one we are called to live… we take one step farther from our goal of the ultimate negative return. we chip away a little bit more of that dream that keeps the core of who we are, the real us, alive.
these 7 men and women made hundreds of yes decisions when they were preparing for this mission. they answered the call to follow those dreams long ago. and only today were those dreams fulfilled.
deep inside of us is the holy roar that crys out to each of us to break away from the pack. to step into nothingness…..
and maybe… just maybe… just like the astronauts, we will hear the holy roar, the call for something more and learn to fly.
God bless our crew….
sometimes in the midst of the mundane, of the day to day we forget how much we truly have. and sometimes, its during those times that heaven speaks. and we realize things.
things like: your attitude sucks.
and mine has over the past few weeks. ive spent a good portion of my free time stewing over things i wasnt able to do. i was using the term “missing” things, but in all reality, it wasnt truly that. it was more just being slightly miserable.
and as i was washing my car today, that thought came to me. and with it, the desire for change. now, i can tell you right now that this in no way is a sudden 180, oh heck no, im way to cynical for that. but it is a step in the right direction.
today is day 1. day 1 of 30 days. 30 days, 30 posts, 30 things to be thankful for.
thats my goal. who knows, maybe ill start some wacky blog tradition and be a hero. or something. anyway.
#1: i am thankful for my car. yes i know, somewhat shallow. but in all honesty i am very thankful for it. she is still beautiful, drives great and is almost paid off! woohoo! and besides, i was washing my car when this all came to me.
ok, day 1 is done.
now its your turn.
Lord, help me to retrain my eyes to see how much Youve done for me. awaken me again to the beauty of grace, the simplicity of trust and the wonder of You. thank You for You.
so ive spent the last few months constantly worrying. fretting non-stop that ive made or will make some massive mistake. some end-of-the-world, game over thanks for playing, bang bang your dead mistake.
fear sucks.
i know, deep thoughts for this evening huh? welcome to me drowing in the depth of a parking lot puddle. but thats fear in a nutshel isnt it? a parking lot puddle. dirty. murky. so filthy its almost opaque…. but if you took that step and just put your freakin foot down you’d realize it was only centimeters deep…
and suddenly the parking lot seems a lot less intimidating. suddely, the things you’ve been fearing dont seem as overwhelmingly powerful. suddely you realize how much bigger the God who lives in you is compared to this measly, filthy collection of scum.
you take that step and suddenly your world changes. suddenly your point of view, your perspective changes. and your breath is taken away. and you realize that life may be littered with puddles. some bigger than others… some deeper than others. but thats just it… they’re freakin puddles.
ever see a dedicated runner out when its raining? they’re not dodging puddles. they’re not trying to sidestep the very byproducts of the world existing around them… they have a goal in place. their gate is steady. their eyes are fixed on the prize. now dont misunderstand, they are very aware of their surroundings… but they are focused not on their surroundings, but on where the surroundings point to.
puddles come from rain. and rain, from the rainmaker.
and if there is a rain maker, and if its true He loves me as much as He says He does, and if my steps are as ordered as He promises them to be, and if His plans for me are for good and not evil, for hope, and for an expected end… then who am i to let some dirty puddles stand between me and this rainmaking God?
Lord, you’ve given me these words. these words have not come from me. because right now, i dont feel this way. right now im still afraid. im still afraid of puddles. of messing up. of not measuring up. please help me to realize that your Son did all the measuring up that ill ever need. help me to rest in that…
and run to You.
