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there are moments in life when one is struck by revelation. sometimes its something about myself that i realize… very rarely is it something outside of myself. today, its a little of both.

i have this lamp in my room… its designed just like a lava lamp. but instead of “lava” in a clear colored liquid… there are hunderes of little pieces of what looks like tin foil. when the light in the lamp heats the liquid, instead of moving lava, you see hundereds of points of light dancing, relecting, catching the light and throwing it onto the walls in thousands of never ending and always changing patterns… the light dances from blue to silver to pure white constantly… its like looking at a star.

its like looking at life.

and then it hit me… thats what my life should be like…

dormant and dark unless the light is turned on…. the light brings life, and with that life you see me for who i am. you see the facets of my soul… you’ll see me the light dance through me.

“Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong. Do not be quick with your mouth; do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few” (Ecclesiastes 5:1,2).”

This is me right now.

im hurting… in so many areas…

i need to forgive, and i need forgivenes…

i struggled for quite a while with what to post tonite. so much stuff is happening… i finally just gave up for lack of direction. and then it hit me…

6 months ago today, i came home…

thank you Jesus, for bringing me back home.

thank you kate. for your kind words.

they didnt go unnoticed.

thank you.

realizations come at the oddest times. and sometimes the most inopportune.

last nite i was headed to applebees. dads birthday. and i was the only family member doing anything about it. at least, here in texas. however, thats not my main point.

i had just left the house not 3 minutes prior, and the subject of my blog from 9.9.04 flashed across my mind. you can read it here.

i was a bit surprised at how quickly my mind made this connection. i mean, its no secret that im not at all fond of my dad in a lot of ways… and if you took a moment to read the link noted previously, even hate the man. but what hit me so suddenly made me want to turn the car around and never go back. i nearly did.

so maybe it wasnt so much a “realization” as it was a question that flashed through my mind like the “hollywood” sign in cali.

maybe you hate your dad so much because he reminds you… of you.

woah.

where the hell is the brake pedal?

why am i still driving?

where did that come from?

those were some of my thoughts. the ones i can remember at least.

could it be true? could the very things i hate about my father be alive and residing in my life?

do i hate him because i see so much of myself… of my mistakes in his life?

i mean, by the time he got talking to me about the dangers of “lust/sex/etc” i was probaly 16. and was fully aware of playboy and other pornography. and had easy access to it. come on… maybe that would have helped when i was 12… but 16?

thats right around the time i learned about the fact that he was married once before, while he was in his early 20s. in vietnam… to some vietnamese chick. and that he hinted at the possiblity i may have a half-sibling. a fact im almost sure the rest of the family know nothing about.

his timing in my life was never perfect. i was close to 15 when he finally reailzed i was growing up and he put some half hearted attempts into “having a relationship” with me. that boiled down to him trying to get me interetsed in playing catch. i hated baseball. still do.

::pant pant pant::

ok, a slight rant there. im sorry.

not totally off topic though.

i mean, with just a few minor adjustments and different decisions in my life, and the above story… at least the part about being married at like 21 – could have been true. now she wouldnt have been vietnamese, but still… im 24 now, could i be divorced like he was at 24?

my hate stems not only from what he’s done… and his refusal to accept the circumstances now, but also because of whats going to continue to happen. because he refuses to change. and he just turned 56 and come on.. how many more years can a 56 year old man work 12-14 hour days 6 days a week driving truck?

my fears recently have begun to focus on how much longer it will be until i have to burry him… and will i be the only one who attends his funeral? heck, maybe it wont even be some medical condition that does him in. i mean, hey – i was seirously suicidal abotu 2 years ago. and i just made it through… but ive got my family and friends. i know he doesnt have family and im pretty sure he doesnt have friends either.

will he ever be able to retire? will his retirement needs fall on me? will i be able to handle it? and what about mom? she’s 46. what about her needs?

-change of topic-

my father is the ONLY person on this planet that i know of thats gone through something remotely close to what ive been through. his family left. he ended up 1700 miles from home and alone. he wasnt allowed to see (or in my case, unable to see) mom and my sisters for months… he shares more of the same expierences with me than any other person i know. and i hate that.

but to bring this night to a close, and to answer the question that started all of this… yes, i hate my father

simply because he reminds me, of me.

i miss angel. so much.

i found myself flipping through some past enteries on my blog. ended up way back in april of 2002. wow. april. here is a snippet

i guess maybe im looking for a guarentee of some sort. a promise – that my life wont end up like his*. that my marriage, will be better. and maybe, that life is worth living.
or maybe, im just looking for a promise that things wont always be like this. that life wont always hurt. and that somehow.. sometime… my family will be ok again.

(*reference to my dad)

its funny how after 2 1/2 years im still asking the same questions. still worrying about the same things. and still governing my life by these same fears.

all this time, and the fears are the same.

they wont change will they? i guess that means, its up to me.

its funny how its the little things in life that we sometimes take for granted that catch us the most by surprise. take for instance the walmart parking lot. its where i found myself today… and in a moment of looking in my rearview mirror as opposed to my sideview mirror, a white pickup and i met in a rather unwanted way. simple fender bender. he was backing out of his space the same time i was backing out of mine…

but in a moment, how much my car means to me became abundantly clear. all the way home, my heart hurt. i felt i had failed. i had let “someone” down. maybe i left myself down… im not sure.

but all night tonight ive been fending off this sense of failure. hopeless failure.

ive known for a long time that i tend to cling to things i can “control” for stability. what else would you call someone who treats his car like a girlfriend… im very deliberate in a lot of things i do. and im learning it all has to do with control.

all i wanted to do was apologize… inside i was begging for someone to tell me everything would be ok. and on the outside, i was telling myself that the only thing that needs to be repaired on the car is the plastic lighting housing.

makes a ton of sense right? yeah… thats what i thought.

i leave you with this.

You are all
big and small
beautiful
and wonderful
to trust in grace through faith
but i’m asking to taste…

for dark is light to You
depths are height to You
far is near
but Lord, i need to hear from You

be near, oh God
be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good
be near, oh God
be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good, our good

Your fullness is mine
revelation divine
but, o, to taste
to know much more than a page
to feel Your embrace…

for dark is light to You
the depths are height to You
far is near, but Lord
i need to hear from You

be near, oh God
be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good
be near, oh God
be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good, our good

be near
shane barnard

im not exactly sure why im trying to post tonite… or for that matter, WHAT im going to post about… it just feels like forever since i really said anything of much meaning. so maybe this is my feeble attempt at sounding the depths of my heart.

its now about 1am…

and yeah, after sitting here for 15 minutes… this is all i have.

-gnite

they left again today. i watched them pull outta the driveway, turn, wave and drive away… and i could not help but miss them.

3 years. 17 days.

september 13 2004, the family left. i watched the pull outta the driveway, turn and drive away. i had no idea that they would never come back.

ive not allowed myself much time to sit and contemplate the past 3 years. and it almost caught up with me today. i know it was only a trip to target and what not… i was just standing there, watching the people i love the most drive away… thinking about how back in 2001, i was so excited that i was going to have the house to myself for about 2 weeks.

you know the story… so there is no need to delve back into it. im just…

wow.

3 years ago.

history

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