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the darkest moments in are lives are very rarely shared with those we love. ive come to the conclusion that we walk the majority of our darkest nites… our most fierce battles, our worst nightmares, alone.
shadrack, meshack and abednego faced a true firestorm. they had refused to conform to the world they lived in… and because of that, they faced death. death in an excruciating maner. they were to be burned alive.
im sure they’d seen others face this same death. im sure they’d heard the screams… seen the agony, and maybe – just maybe – turned away in sheer horror as person after person died litterally being baked to death…
they’d seen what this firey furnace could do, yet they stayed on. they knew they had been chosen to walk this road. they knew the One who had authored their very destiny. they looked fear in the face, they looked death square in the eyes… and i am positive they felt fear… but they did not give in.
they held the ground they’d walked before.
now, i know the bible doesnt go into detail regarding what when through these guys minds in the final moments. it doesnt go into detail about the thoughts they had, about wether they had families, or girlfriends, or careers… the bible is very simple in its explanation.
they did not conform, therefore, they must die
i often wonder what the 3 guys from long ago thought of… in those, quite possibly their last few moments. did they confess the sin they had harboured? did they wonder what it would feel like?
and even more so – had they thought about this possibility and prepared for it long ago?
im sure that the impressionable mind of a child, seeing countless others thrown into this furnace, does a lot to ones level of fear for the authorities.
and yet, they did not waiver. they did not flinch. in the face of certain, searing death – they stood strong.
in conclusion tonite, im offering an honest heart. and an honest prayer. im not where i need to be right now. i know if i stood before a firey furnace, staring death in the face, i would have unconfessed sins id have to deal with. there would be people i would regret not apologizing to, and people who needed to know i loved them. there would be bridges that needed mending, and walls that needed tearing down….
most importanly, there would be a frightened young man, unsure of who he was, standing on the edge of the furnace, trying desperately to be good enough to make it to heaven when he dies.
my honest prayer? Lord… help.
“maybe its just me, but from personal expierence, im begining to learn that our victories in life will be less the “woohoo lets party” type… and more the “personal introspective” type.
again, maybe its just me. but the last i checked, you didnt get a party for surviving the fire. at least, not on this earth”
from a conversation earlier tonite regarding life. and living it while simply being “ok”.
which, would be the one word i’d have to use to describe myself today. “ok”.
today was my saturday. the first day of my weekend. and i woke up not feeling my chipper self. i missed skip. it was a ‘saturday’ and it was one of the first ‘saturdays’ of my new schedule and skip wasnt here to go to walmart with.
i still did go to walmart, and target actually. i went with my sister. didnt spend a penny, but i went anyway. maybe it was for old times sake. maybe it was because i needed to get out and simply do something. maybe it was because walmart and target are what we always did on our weekends.
beth (sister #2) kept asking if i was ok. i was tryin hard to be that way, but i felt incomplete. i wasnt feelin ok. and it had nothing to do with what i had or hadnt eaten.
sometimes throughout my day i simply feel lost without you.
but in the slightly bigger picture, i think its more than just that. im lonely. plain and simple. if my sister wasnt home today, i would have spent my saturday alone. its that simple. making friends in a new state when youre family is already well adjusted and your not… well, its not easy.
maybe im complaining too much. im not sure.
i guess maybe, im just realizing that there isnt going to be fanfare. no blue, silk lined isles for me to walk down while the notes of pomp and circumstance flitter through the air. no graduations ceremonies, no medals or awards to hang on the wall. nothing physical to show for how much ive learned, how much “school” ive been through the past 3 years.
heck, im not even sure why im thinking about this now.
it seems ive spent the last 2 months trying to delve into escapes from reality. there have been times when ive cut phonecalls from ny short, simply because talking with friends from up there, hearing how their days went, simple stuff like that… simply reminds me of how much i miss them. how much i miss skip. and that no matter how well it seems im doing here, it hurts.
i know, i came here to be with the family. and i am. and its great. im already looking forward to christmas and thanksgiving with them. but family cant fill every need you have. especially when the things you enjoy in life, and sometimes the things you feel most passionate about – those things that are kept close to your heart, are looked at with shock and slight disdain… you need someone in your life you can be real with.
just, be yourself. get a drink. watch buffy. laugh. cry. live.
which i guess should bring me to a close tonite.
ill leave you with this.
“Dawn, listen to me. listen. I love you. I will *Always* love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles… tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I’m okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world… it to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me. ”
Puppet Angel: I was turned into a puppet last night.
Nina: I, uh… Wow. Are you—are you OK?
Puppet Angel: I’m made of felt… And my nose comes off.
to be honest with you tonite, the one thing i know is keeping me from jumping 100% into the arms of my saviour is my character.
i got to thinking earlier this evening about sin. especially the sin we allow in our lives. sin isnt just something that seperates us from God, or keeps us feeling like crap. sin is much more than that. even when we are able to keep our sin “secret” and feel confident that no one else knows, chances are… its still going to impact more of ones life than one would like.
picture your life as a stage… and if you would, step off the stage to look at your life from the auidence view. sin, would be a big freakin wooden board at least 10 feet by 20 feet. solid from one end to the other. no windows, cracks, or holes to see through. and because you cant see around it, you cant see what – if anything – is behind it.
and what we dont realize, or – in my opinion – choose to ignore, is that behind the lies, behind the sin, behind the huge piece of wood lies the consequences of our sin. and we cant see them.
we dont see the damage we’re causing to relationships, friends, family, our own lives… we choose to believe that because we cant see the other side of our sins, they dont exist.
“when your life becomes a war between purity and popularity, you have to be prepared to choose.” ~shannon kubiak
and thats the catch isnt it? when faced with this choice, we either continue our little existence as mere ingnorant beings living on a planet in which we make no noticeable impact, or, we change.
i promised myself a long time ago, that from that point on, i would always choose to change.
ya know what? its time i got some things right in my life. its time i straightened some stuff out. its time i stopped running and hiding behind the planks in my life.
a promise was made, its time i started living up to it.
sometimes we simply must force ourselves to stop running. and start… stopping.
Speak to me, speak to me please
Won’t You speak to me
“But then, there are those who’s hearts hold fast to what they believe. They are persuaded that it is better to “go down swinging” in a fight than to lay down and be trampled. They find meaning and purpose in resolutely standing back to their feet. These are the leaders we need and if the leaders we need then the leaders we need to become. Truthfully, the fear never leaves; If we wait till we feel courage we may never find it. Courage, the best of it, is birthed when you realize your fears, then kick them aside and do what your heart screams is right. Deflecting the threats, you still believe that there is one who is watching who will not fail you. You see in your mind’s eye that he is near and “his reward is with him (Isaiah 62:11).” As long as you believe there is a place worth having where you can hide, you’ll falter – so don’t believe it.”
not a shocking revelation for the night, but a real one none the less:
im learning that we gravitate towards and think the most about those whom care about us the most.
just think about it. i almost bet money on the fact that you think the most about the people who honestly show they care about you. it doesnt matter if its that professor who has taken you under his or her wing, or your best friend who knows you inside and out. it doesnt matter if its a parent, guardian, sister or internet friend…..
all that matters is that they express a genuine concern for your well being, and i guarentee you… you’ll spend a good amount of time thinkin about that person. or at least, more time than thinkin about those who arent as fond of you.
this shocking realization came from a few moments i spent with my dad today. see, his place of work and my place of work are actually across the street from each other. uncanny huh? i didnt even know that when i first started. in any case, i stopped by his work after i got out of work. i only spent maybe 10 minutes there. never even got outta the car. and its not like he and i have a great relationship… i faced the fact a looooong time ago that he talks, and i listen. my responses and investments into the conversation consist mostly of nods of agreement and grunts. but the fact of the matter is that i stopped by today.
and thats when it hit me. for some reason while sitting there taklin with him, my mind went back to when i first came down here. back in the month of may. it was the second week of my existence in texas. and i went to visit him at his place of work. and all i remember from that day was how i met everyone he works with. and how every single person knew who i was when he introduced me. and with some of my dads closer work buddies… you could see in their eyes how happy they were that my fathers son was ‘home’. a few of the guys actually hugged me. and these are big, tough, truck drivin guys….
you see, i realized something today that brought tears to my eyes.
my dad is proud of me.
he may not say it all that often. and he may suck at communicating it in other ways… but deep down. he is.
and see, that scares me. not because he is proud of me… but because im that hungry for someone to cheer me on. for someone to be down here and be “coach”. for someone to see my out on the playing field of life, full of potential and energy and motivation… but absolutely lost as to what im supposed to do next… or even whos team im on.
and, if i pull back just a bit and look at myself and my relationship with my father a little more objectively, i see something else im concerend about. well, two something elses…
1.) im attracted to my father because in all honesty, he is only person i know who has lived through “some” of the same circumstances ive had to deal with. i mean, we both ended up living not at home at the same time, we both felt lost, we both love my mom and sisters, and we both are hurting… and we’re both trying. so hard.
2.) i am my fathers son. and that scares me. my mom kicked my dad out. she had every right to do so. he messed up horribly and it was the best thing for her and my sisters. but you know what, i go to bed every night with a small voice inside of me telling me that i am the only physical reminder my mom now has of my dad. i look a bit like him… and i even have a few of his mannerisms. im it. im feel like the only piece of my moms old life that hast been left behind, or kicked to the curb. its like opening your silverware drawer and seeing the one pesky spoon that you got from as a wedding gift from your last marriage. and just the thought of it makes you want to vomit.
i honestly feel like i live every day, just seconds from the garbage can.
i walk on eggshells. and i know its because im afraid. and because ive not yet broached this subject with my mom. and maybe, just maybe… because there isnt anything my mom can say that will make me feel better. because the circumstances wont change. maybe its because i dont know who i am. and i dont know how to define myself anymore.
if i am the child of both parents, then im wounded, messed up, hurting and -to my mom- a huge reminder of my dad. if i am only the child of one parent, i am no longer a bitter reminder… but i am only half a soul.
every morning when we wake up, we’re faced with a specific question. a small voice rings out… we can choose to listen, and offer a clear and direct answer. or we can let the busy crazieness of the day capture us and lead us away from the one sane voice we may hear that day.
i tried three different times to post again on how cynical im feeling right now. on how much i miss having heart-to-heart conversations of any kind with friends. and i could go into that right now, but its a tired subject. and ive said my piece on it…
maybe its that im simply trying to find ways to amuse, entertain and basically distract myself from the issues i should be dealing with down here. im not sure what it is exactly.
maybe its that this is the one quote running through my head right now….
“Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation, and expectation beget disappointment, so the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest. A equals B equals C Equals A, or whatever. I also don’t have a lot of interest in being a good person or a bad person. From what I can tell, either way, you’re screwed. Bad people are punished by society’s laws, and good people are punished by Murphy’s Law. So you see my dilemma.”
-opening credits to dead like me
see, the voice… the one thats doing all the calling…
its life.
and its calling me.
which poses 2 questions.
am i listening? and do i care?
it catches me by surprise sometimes.
how rude, greedy, self centered and short sighted i can be.
no matter what happens in my life… this one thing remains.
with the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. the Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.
-romans 8
may i be one who simply follows after my messiah. may i love Him with a pure heart. and may my life reflect the grace and mercy He has always shown me.
through the darkness, the cross still stands.
as a follow up to last nites post…
i had a conversation with a new york friend earlier this evening. we ended up talking about people we could be brutally honest with.
the whole conversation began because my new york friend had a week from hell. she just ended up dealing with a lot of crap that she thought had been dealt with. all internal crap, but nonetheless, still crap. and sometimes, as we both said… its harder to deal with hell from within. simply because there are no physical actions we can take to lessen the pain, or move the procces along.
when the hell you must walk through is inside… you’re simply along for the ride.
she got talking about two friends of hers who just let her be her. and be brutally honest about everything. and they still loved her. she was describing it as a
“whole new level of friendship that she’d never known existed….”
then she asked the question that led me to this point. she simply asked who i had to go to and be brutally honest with.
and ya know my reply? i didnt have anything to respond with. not a response that was worthy of the depth of our conversation. this was no “hey, hows the weather” conversation. this wasnt a soup question.
i didnt have a response because the only thing boiling inside of me was cynicism. i was cynical. and i was bitter. and ive got every reason to be cynical.
i mean, i go to bed every nite worrying that ive done something wrong. and that, whatever it was that i did wrong will cause the other freaking shoe to drop. and then bam, ill end up in jail. or ill be kicked outta texas… or worse. not that ive done anything to merit jail time, or being kicked outta texas… but when the first shoe drops… and everything you thought could never happen… happens… you begin to think about other things that could never happen… happening.
and yes, if i was thinking with a logical mind, i wouldnt worry so much. and moreso, if i was able to rest in the love my mom has for me… i wouldnt worry.
but ya know what? mom loved me 3 years ago. hell, GOD loved me 3 years ago
and where the heck was he?
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 