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not that it should surprise me, but just in case i didnt realize it earlier, i do not enjoy stress whatsoever.

im sitting here tonite, 11:06pm and im fighting off my 4th or 5th tension headache this week. not… repeat NOT a happy camper.

im also realizing that i seem to do what i hate others doing. im shying away from scenes, situations and conversations that make me uncomfortable. i mean, i came all this way with a number of goals in mind.

-spendin time with the fam.
-unscrewin in my head/heart what has been so screwed up due to the past 3 years
-learning to be able to love again.

real love too. not the cheesy, “oh i love it when i get to work with bob… he’s a hoot!” real love. the kind that takes your breath away. the kind that makes grown men cry… and moreso, it tells them crying is ok. the kind of love that draws us to our knees. the kind that lets us know that no matter what… we’re special… and beyond that, we are cherrished.

my mind is drawn back to a time about a year maybe 16 months ago. when i found myself at the altar of my church (in rochester) during a worship service… there had been an altar call, for what, i do not remember…

but whats burned forever burned into my memory… is standing there, arms outstretched, tears flowing down my face… i was hurting, so much. and i was so scared.

and the next thing i knew, were two very strong arms around me, and a shoulder for me to cry on. it was pastor dick, THE worship leader… he’d come down off the platform and simply wrapped his arms around me.

it was at that moment that my defenses finally dropped, and i began to cry… and i began to heal. it was at that moment, that i knew safety. and for the first time in a very long time, i felt safe.

maybe im simply choosing to be naive to think i can make it down here on my own. because i know i cant. and maybe im simply being stupid to think that God will tell ‘someone’ that he is supposed to be my mentor. and maybe im just being spoiled. and demanding things my way.

maybe im missing new york. and maybe, just maybe.. what im really missing are the people who were the closest thing to father figures that i’ve had in more than 3 years.

if i was to be honest with you, brutally honest.. id tell you that i feel alone here. id tell you that, i feel like i just stepped onto another planet. id tell you that, although the natives were friendly… they werent “friends”. and id tell you that, i miss rochester.

but maybe i wont be honest. maybe tonite ill just put on a smily face and tell you “texas is great!” maybe ill do what i do every day, simply say everything is ok. and im “just tired“.

tonite, i guess, in a way… im simply posing the questions that continually race through my mind. the difference between tonite and most other nites?

im not going to search for the answers… not tonite.

A True Story of Courage and Love
By Dave Kuzminski

Walking down a path through some woods in Georgia in 1977, 1 saw a water puddle ahead on the path. I angled my direction to go around it on the part of the path that wasn’t covered by water and mud. As I reached the puddle, I was suddenly attacked!

Yet I did nothing for the attack was so unpredictable and from a source so totally unexpected.

I was startled as well as unhurt, despite having been struck four or five times already. I backed up a foot and my attacker stopped attacking me. Instead of attacking more, he hovered in the air on graceful butterfly wings in front of me. Had I been hurt I wouldn’t have found it amusing, but I was unhurt, it was funny, and I was laughing. After all, I was being attacked by a butterfly!

Having stopped laughing, I took a step forward. My attacker rushed me again. He rammed me in the chest with his head and body, striking me over and over again with all his might, still to no avail. For a second time, I retreated a step while my attacker relented in his attack.

Yet again, I tried moving forward. My attacker charged me again. I was rammed in the chest over and over again. I wasn’t sure what to do, other than to retreat a third time, after all, it’s just not everyday that one is attacked by a butterfly. This time, though, I stepped back several paces to look the situation over. My attacker moved back as well to land on the ground. That’s when I discovered why my attacker was charging me only moments earlier.

He had a mate and she was dying. She was beside the puddle where he landed. Sitting close beside her, he opened and closed his wings as if to fan her. I could only admire the love and courage of that butterfly in his concern for his mate. He had taken it upon himself to attack me for his mate’s sake, even though she was clearly dying and I was so large. He did so just to give her those extra few precious moments of life, should I have been careless enough to step on her.

Now I knew why and what he was fighting for. There was really only one option left for me. I carefully made my way around the puddle to the other side of the path, though it was only inches wide and extremely muddy. His courage in attacking something thousands of times larger and heavier than himself just for his mate’s safety justified it. I couldn’t do anything other than reward him by walking on the more difficult side of the puddle. He had truly earned those moments to be with her, undisturbed. I left them in peace for those last few moments, cleaning the mud from my boots when I later reached my car.

Since then, I’ve always tried to remember the courage of that butterfly whenever I see huge obstacles facing me. I use that butterfly’s courage as an inspiration and to remind myself that good things are worth fighting for.

Copyright 1997

thank you skip, for being something worth fighting for.
i miss you.
i love you.

spent some time in the car with mom today. we had to run into the city to pick up a few parts for her car. nothin spectacular… but the conversation on the way home made me think.

now that ive got a job and cash flow is increasing, i had to ask mom for some ideas on what to get one of my sisters for her birthday. she just turned 21 a little more than a week ago. and at the time, i wasnt working yet, so a birthday present had to be postponed.

mom said something akin to,

“she (being my sister) was a little disappointed seeing as how it was her 21st birthday… and we didnt do a whole lot. so i think we’re gonna do somethin a little bigger for her in the next few weeks”

which makes a ton of sense. i mean, you only turn 21 once. and it was a crappy week for her. she wasnt even supposed to be in town for her birthday. she was supposed to be on her honeymoon. but things changed. so, the nite of her birthday wasnt anything spectacular.

it was hearing mom say that though, that brought back memories of my 21st birthday. i dont even think i had a party that year. the family took me out for lunch… and all in all it was a good day. but there wasnt any money for anything else. i think i may have gotten a shirt… and maybe a pseudo-coupon from the family for a new desk or something. whatever the coupon was for, i never did cash it in.

i mentioned that fact to mom after her comment. i simply said that i knew what sarah felt like, my 21st birthday wasnt anything amazing either…

moms response?

“lets not even go there”

ouch.

now, i know what she meant was that during that period in history, the family wasnt doin all that great… i mean, it was the beginning of hell. and the cracks in the foundation had just begun to show through the years of pretty and well placed paint we used to try to cover everything up with.

but still. it hurt.

so now i sit here, the new matt redman disc quietly spinning in the background… and im feeling very lost.

its saturday, and up till now, ive given it a very valiant effort. i got up before 10, made coffee, i made a run to walmart, and the car parts store. came home, found out more info about what i needed, and went back to the car parts store.. this time with mom. put the car parts on moms car. came in, and mom and sister went to bed. and i was left with my thoughts.

all in all, i have put forth a very good effort so far today.

im trying. really i am. im trying to keep a stiff upper lip. im trying not to hurt. im trying not to cry. im trying not to miss rochester… my own place… bethel. im trying so hard… and it seems like no one down here is noticing how hard it is to be here.

the more i live, the more i realize that pain is simply a part of life… and honestly, i am beginning to believe that for some of us, pain will always be a part of who we are. wether its a physical pain we carry from some horrendus accident, or from a selfless act while trying to save someone.. or wether its pain that is carried not in the body, but in the soul.

and maybe, just maybe, that for a chosen few… we’re asked to continue to walk a road we dont understand in a world in which we are strangers. and maybe just maybe, our questions wont be answered. and we must find in ourselves, the will to keep going. the will to keep fighting. the will, to never look backward at who we once were… but the vision to realize that we must keep fighting. we must keep putting one foot in front of another. we must keep going.

we must keep living.

“Bottom line is, even if you see ’em coming, you’re not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can’t help that. It’s what you do afterwards that counts. That’s when you find out who you are. You’ll see what I mean.” -Whistler

my sisters birthday was tuesday. after work (woohoo, new job. i will get into that later) we went to eat at Chilis with sisters best friend and some of her coworkers.

throughout the evening i was my usual semi-goofy self. (although i was pushing exhaustion.) just realized that when i get really tired, i am typically pretty funny to be around. so yeah, on the ride home while listening to some love song my sister liked, i was laughing hard from just my own funny thoughts:-)

and then it hit.

i laugh, because if i didnt laugh.. i’d cry.

im not sure why that was the thought ringing so clearly through my mind… but it sobered my laughter almost immediately. maybe its the lack of “me” time over the past two weeks. maybe its the new job (with charter communications, its definitely a blessing). maybe its just that im now in texas. maybe its cuz i miss skip.

maybe its because im not allowing myself the time to actually sit down and contemplate, mull over, and ultimately accept that im no longer in new york. and that new york, probably wont be here anytime soon.

i think im finding myself afraid. afraid to simply face the facts and swallow everything thats gone on. its almost like i am creating a little dream world where im not 1700 miles away from new york. where im not separated from my best friend. a world where nothing has changed.

but it has. changed that is. and in my desire to simply jump headlong into life here, life with the family, new job, etc… ive decided that its much easier to simply live two lives… one in which im a happy person who has just relocated to texas, and one where im a new yorker who simply misses home.

sometimes one can schedule when they choose to deal with their emotions. sometimes it just hits like a mack truck… yesterday at the mall with my sister and mom, i was nearly run over by my emotions.

see, this is the first actual weekend being in texas without the safety line of knowing that the princess from new york was either here, or would be here within a short time…

and just as the icing on the cake, memorial day came and went… and i never allowed myself time to really focus on what didnt happen 2 years ago.

so would i say life is good? yes. it is. but would i also say that readjusting is hard? yes. incredibly. and i dont even know how to express to people that it is as hard as it is. it simply… well, it simply is.

so for now, ill continue to find simple ways of amusing myself. with the hope that laughter will continue to carry me through… and that when i do set foot back into reality, that the arms of a loving Savior will be there to tell me that there really is a reason to this madness… and that im not crazy.

for once upon a time, a 24 year old prince found himself in a strange, far away land. a land where heat was constant, where new experiences, and responsibilities were everyday occurrences. a land where he knew none but his family. and as our hero the prince realizes where he is… he hopes and prays that there will indeed be…

a happily ever after.

1700 miles and im right back where i started 3 years ago. its happening all over again. it was a simple question. really it was. innocent. simple…

“did my sister make it home ok?”

coming from my sisters ex fiance.

and then i realized. its been 3 years. 3 years where ive been 99% of the contact between my dad, and my sisters and mother. and now… its started all over again.

now its two men. dad and ex fiance. and three women. mom and two sisters.

and me.

between.

just like it was… 3 years ago.

and honestly, i dont feel angry. im not hurt or upset or confused. im not pissed off.. and im not hateful.

i simply feel… helpless.

You slipped from my arms, I knew you had to go
Such a heavy heart, who could hope to hold
And I know where you’re going, and that’s the hardest part
No matter where tonight ends, you won’t escape your broken heart

Under wings of Gold and Silver sometimes we have to hide
For shelter from this bitter winter at least tonight

so yeah. its late, 12:39am central time. and i have this mental process thats running right now.

i was confronted earlier tonite, via a tv show i remember watching when i was 14, with the idea of true love. im not sure if the thoughts in my head will congeal enough to allow me a cohesive blog, but im at least… shall we say… exploring my thoughts for tonite.

earlier this week, my sister called off her engagement. with less than two weeks before the wedding was scheduled, its been stressful around here. now, im not going to do two things:

1.) i will not get into any of the circumstances.

2.) i will not get into my thoughts on the circumstances surrounding the past weeks events.

my thoughts for tonite are not that concrete. they deal more with the ideals and eternal dreams of the notion of true love.

i was privledged to have a front row seat to the slow destruction of my parents marriage. and now, i am equally honored to be in the stands for the cancellation of my sisters engagement. how lucky is that?

now dont get me wrong, i feel for my parents… more than most of you could ever know. and i hate how this is impacting my sister…. but for right now, just bear with me as i explore my thoughts.

it occured to me earlier tonite, while watching boy meets world that ive not really allowed myself time to process whats gone on here the past few days… or for that matter, much of whats gone on the past few weeks. but thats beside the point.

see, the plot line of tonites episode was as follows:

corey (main character, the “boy” who “meets the world”, 14yrs) was having to deal with seeing topenga (the main characters girlfriend, and “the one he is destined to be with”, also 14) kissing another guy. see, our two lovebirds had broken up earlier in the storyline, but decided to remain friends. this decision was so that they could date other people, which is what topenga was practicing. our main character corey, felt punched in the gut, even though he agreed with the breakup.

now, ill skip ahead to the shows final episodes where, if you’re not a geek like me, you dont realize they end up together forever as husband and wife. knowing from the age of 3 that they were truly destined for one another.

which finally, brings me to my point… true love. or, to be more precise: the ideal of one person having a soul mate. someone, somewhere in the world who is your perfect, matchless, there can be none other, match. someones whos strengths compliment your weaknesses and vice versa. someone who will be a best friend… someone, simply created to be perfect for you…

i used to believe in that. right now, im not so sure.

now, dont get me wrong.. ive got an absolutely wonderful person in my life. and i love her more than life itself… thats not my issue.

i guess, my question is this:

if i died tomorrow, or beyond that, if i ceased to exist, would someone out there lose the only chace they had at true love? at finding their soul mate? would that person be settling, so to speak, if she was to marry another? are our lives that directed, that planned out by destiny that there can be only one?

new state.
new zip code.

new blog.

its odd that it didnt occur to me earlier that, hey… everything has changed – why doesnt my blog reflect that?

well. tada.

new layout.
new commenting (hope it works)
new design.

new life.

…here we go

so im here. texas that is.

new city.
and i know nothing. no idea where 90% of anything is. that makes it so much more fun when it comes to looking for work. and trying to find the place i was supposed to interview at. spent 90 minutes driving around ft. worth. basically lost. missed an interview because of it… sheesh.

so i just scheduled for tomorrow an interview for a company in dallas. thats an hour long drive. one way.

yeah, im definetly feeling depressed.

anybody got a job for me?

i think todays events were just what i needed to bring focus on something im realizing. maybe ive been realizing this since before i left rochester. actually, i knew this then. im just listening a little more now.

almost every job posting ive called on, ive been asked the same question…

“what are you looking for”.

and of course, there is the pre-programmed response of

“im looking for a position that will allow me to grow as well as be challenged. being an asset to the company… blah blah blah…”

maybe its just me, but the question has such a deeper ring now.

what am i looking for…

its the question that is defining a lot for me right now.

so many of the people i know, people my age… have dreams. they know what they want to do, a lot of them even went to school so they could jump into their dreams… and by 23, or 24, they’re starting LIFE! they’re working the job they want, living where they want.. dating who they want and maybe even are getting married. they’re living the dream.

and see, thats the thing… i dont dream. i havent actually “dreamed” in more than 3 years. i havent had a dream, a “goal”… for such a long time. life, got in the way of my dreams.

im beginning to wonder if i can dream it again… and beyond that… should i?

is there something else out there besides simply fighting for mere existence? is there something beyond living paycheck to paycheck.. or in reality, weekened to weekend? do i want a “job”? no, not really. not another “job”. but, do i need the money? yes. so ill get a job. ill work my freakin tail off. ill be the best gosh darn ______ (insert title) they could get… but what do i want?

what am i looking for?

i lost my dream.

i couldnt tell you what i really truly want out of life if you held a loaded gun to my head and demanded it from me.

so… to answer the question…

what am i looking for?

my dreams.

i dont get it. i seriously dont. im now 24 years old… and even the last conversation with my mom has me upset.

my sisters wedding shower last month was a tremendous success… save the missing ring. yeah, thats right. my grandmothers “mothers ring” worth in the multi- thousand dollar range disappeared. of course, it was sitting on my grandmothers dresser… in her room. right next to the master bathroom. hello?

but now – i am playing my all time favorite roll, “go between”… between my grandmothers lack of things to do, and her insane ability to stew over bad things that happen… and my friends who hosted the party. one of which, my grandmother is “sure took the ring”.

yeah right.

so, after fielding two phone calls from my grandmother today where she all but accused one of my friends of stealing it… ive finally decided that i do not enjoy playing the parent for my parents anymore.

i still play go between for mom and dad. and this week was go between for mom and the people she was being told by grandma could have stolen the ring… (yeah, thats fun)… and now my mom is getting freaked that im storing some of my stuff at my dads parents because im moving 1800 miles in 4 FREAKING DAYS.

BACK THE HELL OFF MOM.

ive hardly seen you in two years, you no longer have the right to run my life. you lost it… long ago. so deal with it. im 24. i am who i am and im not going to change that just to make you better.

deal with it.

so i figured id update you all on the recent developments in pipville.

my computer was on the fritz for about two weeks. hence, no postings.
but, because of a new motherboard, dvd/cd burner, processor and $160 later… im up and running:-)

i am packing for a move to texas.

and honestly, without completely losing it, i cant go into any more details.

id appreciate prayers.