FindingTheCourageToDream.com

…i know

March 29, 2004 in Uncategorized | by Peej | Leave a comment

….I know when the instructions have come from God because of their quiet persistence. But when I begin to weigh the pros and cons, and doubt and debate enter into my mind, I am bringing in an element that is not of God. This will only result in my concluding that His instructions to me were not right. Many of us are faithful to our ideas about Jesus Christ, but how many of us are faithful to Jesus Himself? Faithfulness to Jesus means that I must step out even when and where I can�t see anything. But faithfulness to my own ideas means that I first clear the way mentally. Faith, however, is not intellectual understanding; faith is a deliberate commitment to the Person of Jesus Christ, even when I can�t see the way ahead…..

excerpt from:
My Utmost for His Highest
Oswald Chambers

what the hell am i doing?

March 27, 2004 in Uncategorized | by Peej | Leave a comment

the one question that hasnt let me rest. thats kept me awake. thats jarred me from other thoughts.
what on earth am i doing?

a 1700 mile move! thats one thing. leaving friends. job. apartment. church. “home”. to move into another apartment… thats one thing.

but a freaking trailer? dear god… could i GET any closer to white trash?

why the heck did this have to happen 3 years ago. why? screw that im not past it yet. i dont care.

there are no answers.

and im so so terrified.

you give

March 22, 2004 in Uncategorized | by Peej | Leave a comment

you give and take away
you give and take away
my heart will chose to say
blessed be Your name

so i dont know how to begin this.

March 22, 2004 in Uncategorized | by Peej | Leave a comment

and im not sure where i stand.

all i know is that im terrified. and im moving to a new land.

i love you.
i know that much.

and i trust God.

through the tears. and the pain. and not knowing how long ‘goodbye’ will last. i still trust Him. i choose to do this.

and i dont know why. maybe i do. maybe because its all i know.

maybe its because you’re all i know. you’re all ive known for the past 2 years. you’ve been the part of me i always knew would be there. the part that i knew would make it through. the part i knew would be victorious. you loved me. you love me. and i dont have the words for how much this hurts.

i cant believe im actually doing this. 1700 miles. i must be crazy. because none of this makes any sense. and the tears fall like rain on all the things i once called certain.

when the broken start to dream again
and the sound of praise fills the streets
you’ll know its here.

thats why im going. its time for me to start to dream again. i need to. i need to heal. to learn to live. to learn to love and trust again.

i cant be the type of friend… brother… man… you need… until these things happen.

i love you.

my glorious

March 18, 2004 in God, Hope, The Soundtrack | by Peej | Leave a comment

where did this come from?
in so many ways, im just stagnant.

its as if i chose to fracture my spiritual growth in segements. ill focus on one area… or specific areas, and completely ignore others.

im realizing that tonite.

im also realizing that time flies by. and that the most mundane moments in life, are sometimes the most precious.

so as i sit here, contemplating decisions that will undoubtedly impact the rest of my life, and the lives of those i care about the most… my initial reaction is to try and reason all this out. figure out how i can make this happen so that all parties involved have the best chances for happiness. but i realize it is an excercise in futility.

i guess what i want to say tonite, is this…

man cannot live… no matter how hard he tries… without sunshine. i love the sunshine. my sunshine.

and my prayer tonite,

Lord, help me to run to you. Help me fall back in love with You. and help me to surrender everything to Your hands.

God is bigger than the air i breath
the world we live in
God will save the day
and all will say
My Glorious
My Glorious

and its hard at the end of the day….

March 10, 2004 in The Soundtrack, Uncategorized | by Peej | Leave a comment

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there’s always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there’s vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don’t make no difference
escaping one last time
it’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

they would come back

March 8, 2004 in God, Hope, Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

so this week will ultimately force me to face my fears…. or, do what ive realized ive been doing for the past 2 years. which is, to run from them.

i must let my apartment people know wether or not i wish to renew my lease for another year by march 15. next week monday. the choice on the other side of things… is moving down to be with my family. both options have definite high points. and there isnt any option that i dont want.

i talked with my mom tonite. and i – faced my fear – and asked if she would hate me if i chose, or thought that i should remain in new york for another year…. she said of course she wouldnt hate me. and abruptly ended the conversation.

my heart wants to think that its because the thought of me staying here another year is painful. even if it is the best thing for me. but what my heart tells me… is that im running the risk of the fate my father faced. banishment.

i know, its innane to think that way. ive not done the heinous things my father has. but when it all comes down to it, what i hear… what i see… is that my dad didnt do what mom wanted. so dad left. and never is allowed back.

so yeah. that, would be one of the most overwhelming fears ive carried the past two years. and i know that i carry pieces of it into other aspects of my life. friendships. relationships. work relationships. my work ethic. the fact that i keep my apartment immaculately clean.

its as if im somehow trying to reverse the course of the past 2 years by simply being the best me i can be. like i can somehow turn back time. and if i was just a better person, if i just listened more, if i just loved my sisters more, if i just… if i hadnt failed… then they would come back.

they would come back. we would be a family. and the world would be good.

but thats it isnt it? the fear i face? did i fail? could i have done something, anything… to have stopped what happened before it started?

ive spent the last 2 years here in new york litterally running from situations, people and memories that would force me to consider these fears. and where has it gotten me? no where. absolutely no where.

so now with less than a week to go, im forcing myself to look these fears square in the face. i need to do this. or im simply doomed to repeat the last two years.

i look back, and i see all the chances i never took, all the risks i never accepted… and all that i have to show for my paranoia? unhealed scars.

but that doenst answer the question does it? where is home? will i ever measure up for what i feel my mom needs? am i supposed to be in new york? am i supposed to be in texas? what is my role?

i dont really know how to close this post. because i wasnt honestly sure how it was going to turn out. so ill just let it go here. and wish you all a good nite.

perspectives

March 1, 2004 in God, Hope, Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

i wanted to post an adendum to last nites blog.

new mornings bring new peace. and new oppurtunities.

and new persepectives.

now, yes. i still want to go home. but im also realizing how much i should be thankful for. ive got a job. an apartment and a car that runs. and on top of that, a family that loves me and would do anything in their power to bring me home.

so all in all – although it sucks to be so far away…. and although i still want to go home….

God is good.

waking up is hard to do…

February 29, 2004 in Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

so im back.

just spent 8 days with the family. 8 great days. i havent seen my mom or one sister in more than a year… and i had 8 days.

im trying hard to keep my chin up. because, in all honesty, i had a blast. i miss them more than words could express. but i did have a blast. it was so much fun. and it was…. i felt complete. i was home

and then, i woke up here. this morning. and it was different. i woke up in my apartment. but this time there wasnt anyone perking coffee. no little dog running around my feet.

it was quiet.

i called skip. i used the excuse that i wanted to talk with her about a ride to church this morning… but in all honesty, i desperately needed a friendly voice to hear. then i called home. talked to my sister.

later this afternoon it finally hit. and i lost it. it hurts so much to be here. whats amazing is that i know ill be seeing them in less than 3 months for a wedding. so i know it’ll be soon. there is no question.

but all i can think about… is how badly i want to go home.

it wasnt supposed to be this hard to leave. i almost didnt board the plane in texas. after saying goodbye and passing through security, i had to run to the bathroom…. i cried in the stalls. i sat there in the terminal, a full 90 minutes before the flight, with nothing but my thoughts.

God i just want to go home. please? can i?

now i realze… im insanely emotional right now.

i just want it to stop hurting. its been 2 years. ive had enough. i want to hang up my armour for a time and rest with those i know love me. i want to be a part of a family again.

i just… i want to go home.