FindingTheCourageToDream.com

well, its over. the day i was both anticipating and dreading.now, i understand that above all else, Christmas day is the day we’re supposed to remember and focus on the birth of our Saviour – Jesus Christ. and i made sure i did that.

its just, i mean – come on. no one wants to spend Christmas day away from home. and i know ive much to be thankful for…

no matter how you look at it, when all was said and done – it was just another day. the sun rose, the sun set. people went about their business. it was one day in the 365 of this soon-to-end year. just another day. and thats how i ended up looking at it. im begining to realize that this life is somewhat easier to handle when taken a day at a time. im not giving up on my dreams for the future… but sometimes its just easier to look at today as the challenge…. the moutain to climb or obstacle to overcome. its the battle that you will face. its today. and today… today, i think i can handle. tomorrow… the future? i know im completely inadequate to handle… but today. today we can get through.

so, without going into details, that – was my Christmas. just another day…. its come and gone and life innevitably will go on.

my family (mom + sisters) had Christmas nite dinner at…. dennys.

dennys. yeah, that just fills me with the warmth and joy of the holiday season. tons and tons. im just oozing with cynicism… i mean, holiday spirit. really.

anyway, i think this concludes my first post Christmas day blog. im going to leave you with a song

gold and silver
stavesacre

You slipped from my arms, I knew you had to go. Such a heavy heart, who could hope to hold. And I know where you’re going, and that’s the hardest part. No matter where tonight ends, you won’t escape your broken heart.

Stay a while

Helpless for the words, and it tightens up the air. It’s not what you deserve, it’s not for lack of care. Inside of me is screaming out, I’m praying for my prayers. Distracting and unworthy of each and every burning tear

Seems insincere

Do I see God in all of this? maybe all along… It’s just that we’re so small, and simply not as strong. Strong like wings of silver, and feathers made of gold. To carry heavy hearts, to cover all our helpless souls.

To cover all of us

Under wings of Gold and Silver sometimes we have to hide. For shelter from this bitter winter at least tonight.

(If it were mine to give I’d give you your own time. Turn it back or forward whatever you decide)

Stay a while

so i talked to my dad today… not at all an unusual event. it happens pretty often. few times a week typically.this time was different. a subtle difference. or, i should say, initially, i hardly noticed it. it came across masked in subtlety.

he asked me this seemingly harmless question,

“i saw a cd holder for your car while i was at the mall today. i had to stop for some errands and i happened to see it. how are you doin on keeping cds in your car?”

and my immediate response, formed due to the number of times my car has been broken into, went something like this.

“i dont keep anything in my car. not where i park. its not safe.”

and the the subtle feeling that i totally overlooked something.

i overlooked the fact that this is my dad. and that Christmas is right around the corner. and that i cant imagine how hard it is for him to try and Christmas shop for His family. knowing that – quite posisbly – his presents will either be returned un opened, or simply thrown out.

i hurt for him. i hurt because he’s my dad. my father. and ive hardly seen him in more than a year. you could probably count the hours ive seen him total using only your hands…. i hurt, because i cant imagine what he’s going through.

i hurt…. because i see so much of myself…. in him

ive tried so hard to forget all about Christmas being one week away…. ive desperately tried to focus on work… fun… anything.

i didnt ask to know how it felt to know our family would be ‘celebrating’ Christmas in three seperate places…

my dad is trying so hard. soooo hard. and its like nothing is paying off…. i respect him so much for putting forth all this effort. for trying with all he has to make things better. he’s giving his all… and he wont even see his family for christmas.

at least ive got both extended families within driving distance, so i wont be utterly alone on Christmas… he doesnt even have that.

what ever happend to forgiveness? what ever happened to grace? where is the mercy in this?

ill be home for Christmas. you can plan on me. please have snow and mistletoe and presents under the tree. Christmas Eve will find me will the love-light gleams. ill be home for Christmas. if only in my dreams.