Our lives are full with promise and our dreams exist to remind us of who we can be
ok. so i guess i had a little bit more to blog.
i guess i just wanted to make this a formal announcement.
my parents are getting a divorce.
there. i said it.
the world now knows.
and this life i think im living continues….
goodnite for real this time….
until we meet again
-cheers
thats it. right there. thats my simple quote for the nite. 4 simple words.-adieu
law and order
wow. freaky.
NBCs highly rated crime/lawyer drama. it just ended.
the story line?
the sorid tale about an average american family (whatever the freak that is). and in this normal everyday family, the ‘father figure’ -a successful doctor – leaves his boring marriage for a 24 year old bimbo who only wanted him for his money.
1 man
1 woman
2 kids
average american family thrown into turmoil by the sexual dysfunction of one disgusting excuse of a man.
2 kids. whos lives will never be the same because of circumstances well beyond their control.
2 kids… whos lives are now going through hell.
they’re watching their mother drink and drug herself unconcious every nite.
they’re watching “dear ol daddy” gettin his bimbo pregnant.
hell.
ok, so you’re asking me where exactly the murder takes place. its simple to know who dies. the money grubbing, family destroying, 25 year old female.
the shocker tho?
the 15 year old daughter… who, through no actions of her own – now comes from a broken family. who will have to face the toughest years of her existence being shuffled between “homes”. the daughter whos measure of a future husband is now screwing someone only 10 years old than she is….well…
she kills the girlfriend.
she wanted her family back so bad… she killed her fathers girlfriend.
now. as i think about it… is that the shocker? or, is the shocker the fact that im not surprised. that this whole event almost could seem “normal”, and that… i could relate?
i dont know
random thoughts….
from the life i think im living
goodnite all
3 things before i crash.
1. a shout out to skipper for being a wonderful friend tonite.
2. a shout out to solaire for letting me know how much she liked what i blog.
3. thankful…. my supreme thankfulness to the God in Heaven for not being in the ER tonite….
🙂
ok.
this life i think im living continues and i need sleep
nite
i wouldnt call this chapter 4. its more like just a small scrap piece of paper i shoved into my book.
im sick of this. i seriously am.
what i wouldnt give for closure.
something definitive. something that begins to bring the frayed strands of my life back into some semblance of alignment. something that begins to bring completion. normallacy. something that says that “the end is near”. or…. “keep going because you’re almost there”.
maybe its somewhat greedy of me to wonder why i should continue to keep pressing on.
new subject.
honesty and openess. according to a “comprehensive personality profile” i took for my job, i prefer honest open relationships. i have a very low level of trust. and… oh heck. just read
My social style combines a low degree of trust with a low level of assertiveness. This low trust affects interpersonal relationships because it produces a skepticisim toward the real intentions of others. As a result, I will avoid being completely open and free to interact when being introduced to new acquaintances. Once the acquaintance earns a degree of trust, I become much more relaxed in my relationship and more open with my emotions. In addition, my low level of assertiveness affects interpersonal relationships because I feel I might be too easily manipulated or controlled by others. A defense mechanism will more than likely be employed to protect my vulnerability. The interaction of these two characterists, low trust and low assertiveness, result in my maintaining a more controlled approach to new relationships.
a “more controlled approach to new relationships” and “a defense mechanism”.
hmm… i seriously hate my defense mechanism. i can feel it click into gear and i feel completely and totally powerless to stop it. its like a wall that just pops up. i dont intentionally do it. i despise when it happens. and i’ve no clue what to do when it happens.
the more i live
the more i (hopefully) learn.
and if i learned anything this week, its that life seems to be a very delicate balancing act. one at which i am an utter failure at. it is not possible to live in a way that doesnt piss somebody off. it really isnt. which then denotes the question – why try? why do i even bother.
i guess, in all honesty – you’re hearing the fearful cries of a wounded heart. you’re hearing me fighting against my ‘defense mechanism’. you’re hearing me trying to wade through the repeating tapes of my failures, of my hurts, of who i think i am.
i spent this week waking up screaming from the american dream.
and ive realized, i dont want it. im not living for the american dream. i dont care about a good retirement. i dont care about a nice freakin ‘nest egg’. i dont need a vacation house in cancun or the ability to move to florida when im 65. this life was meant to be lived.
i dont know how, and i dont see the way… but somehow… i hope that my living will bring me to the place where i understand how to truly live. because i know im not now. i know i can not be truly living. if this is truly living – then this life i think im living isnt worth the cost. i was born for something more. i was born for something beyond the sum total of my parts.
i dont know what.
i just know im restless.
welcome to my life
welcome to the struggle to live
welcome to this life i think im living.
chapter 2.
paragraph 3.
sentence 1.
life is confusing.
and scary. and strange. consider it the big unknown.
a giant leap into an unfathomable void.
and sometimes it just sucks.
my sister got a dog today! she bought a lil chiuaua mix thing. his name is biscut. and he weighs (puppy) 4 or 5 lbs. big dog huh?
i ended up calling down to talk to them because today is my moms birthday. moms birthday. and both of the men in her life… well, im 1700 miles away…..
God i miss her.
well. its almost midnite. and no matter how hard i try… i cant stop time.
this life i think im living will continue on. with, or without me. its a comforting thought. to know that life goes on. but it also tells you that life will run you over.
ok. so enough of my depressed, exhausted, mentally and emotionally drained mindless meanderings…
im off to dream land…or somethin
until this life i think im living brings me chapter 4 –
adieu
chapter 2.
paragraph 2.
sentence 1.
guys are stupid.
last nite – 3 characters described who i am.
this nite – 3 words.
guys are stupid.
to say that our mental processes are anywhere NEAR coherent would be a gross misinterpetation of the obvious facts. look around you. men are stupid. we live our entire lives learning that simple lesson. and although we may know it better than we know our own name- we never are able to interpet our stupid actions – or the results of them – into a positive response.
all i know – from the thousands of times that ive messed up in the past few months… is this.
there are moments, places, people… few and very far between… that cause us to change who we are. they cause us to want to better ourselves… they cause us to want to learn to trust again.
and these moments… these places… these people – are the ones worth sticking your neck out farther than you ever have before.
these people are the ones who can make you smile no matter what your goin through. these people are the ones who take your breath away. they are the ones who make you feel alive.
they are the ones that remind us that this life is worth living.
they are gifts
divine deposits into our lives from a Holy and Perfect God.
these people… are the ones we care about the most. the ones we’d do anything for. and our relationships with these people are the relationships we strive for the hardest. the ones we constantly work to better. the ones that matter the most.
because – simply put. you love that person. more than life itself. more than coffee…. more than hugs… you love that person.
and WHEN – not if – you mess up…. these are the relationships – the people… whos forgiveness we ask for first. we dont wait. we dont try to make excuses….
just a simple-
i was wrong
i am sorry
please forgive me?
thats all that we can do. we recognize that we’ve hurt this special person. and although we hate that fact… we can not change it. we simply have to ask for forgiveness.
which is what i need to do.
i was wrong
im sorry
please forgive me?
ive no time for any deep or profound blogging tonite.
as you can tell – the past 10 days or so have been hectic. or… better put – dowright utterly crazy.
i moved last weekened, and am now blogging to you straight from my new (and 1st) apartment. to say things moved quickly? an understatement. i looked at the apt. for the first time last week monday. looked again on tuesday. started the paperwork on wednesday. finnished it up on friday and was moved in completely on saturday.
scary.
i know.
my entire existence is now summed up in 3 characters
2 4 0
240.
my nuber. a number that i have been labled so that pizza men can find my apartment. junk mail people can send me crap.
and so that my small apartment in this big wide world can be unique. 240. its not just a number.
its part of who i am.
and if anything, who i am is constantly changing.
i am a completely new person now. i no longer live under my parents roof. someone else does.
i no longer live in the house i spent my adolesence.
i have a new home
a new life
a new me
this is who i am. i may not be right. i may not be perfect. but its who i am. its changing.
its me
this, is the life i think im living.
and i am officially welcoming you to – the very begining… of chapter 2.
-adieu
so…
this is where i find myself. sitting inside my empty room. in my empty house. wishing i was in my nice warm bed. waiting for the stupid freakin dryer. and i dont even have a place to sit while i wait….grrr
anyway
i just read this a moment ago. its cut from an article from Relevant Magazine. the link directly to the article is posted below…….Maybe I have lived in this fallen world so long that I have forgotten that there ever was an Eden, that there really is One who loves me without condition, even when I eat too much, or when I burn the spaghetti, or have an incredibly arrogant thought, or fail to love my neighbor. When I’m not dreaming, I’ve become a Christian on a mission to be ‘real. I mock Christian lingo. I roll my eyes if I have to hear one more time about what ‘God’s doing’ in someone’s life or how ‘awesome’ someone’s time of prayer was this morning. But I’m not real. I’m just calloused. I’m just calloused because I am afraid. I’m afraid to find out what it means to take God at His word, to believe that if I delight myself in Him, He will be faithful to give me the desires of my heart.….
read the full article here
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 