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why is it that ive felt this need to disguise things?  if you knew me at all, you’d know that i’ve tried hard to be someone who didnt hide behind a well painted picket fence.

but for months now, i’ve been trying to convince myself that things are ok.

friday i came home on the verge of tears.  i told God i needed whatever was next.  that i’m through with where i am at.  with the battles im constantly fighting.  with the heartache.  with the feeling of being incomplete. with feeling like there is this huge part of life i’m missing out on.

i told Him, or maybe im telling Him…. that im lonely.  i am.  and this isnt something easy for me to say.  i’ve been in texas for 5 years and my closest friends are still more than a thousand miles away.  it shouldnt be that way.  i should have friends here.

i dont feel i fit.  anywhere.

like a square peg in a round hole.

i left work friday, and i was done.  i couldnt take another task, another email.

i just wanted to go somewhere where i fit.  where i could be real and let the picket fences fall.  where i could say that im not perfect, i dont have the answers…. where i could feel.  where i could be real and not be afraid of peoples reactions.  where i could breath deep.

i was on my way home… and He didnt say anything.  there was no rending of the heavens, no angelic choir, no message in the sky.

but just as i flipped radio stations for the 2oth time, this song started.  it’s been my theme song since i first heard it.  and i dont know what it says about me that i’ve not gotten beyond it…. but it’s still my theme song.

because all i can do right now, is barely hold on to You.

Lifehouse – Broken

there is something that brings both relief and rest in letting go.  in coming to the conclusion that you cannot change what you want to see changed.  that as much as we strive for and try to seem in control, as hard as we work to keep up the front of everything being ‘ok’, we are just as much in need of rescue as the next person.

maybe it’s something you’re dealing with internally like a challenge or hurt or personality trait that you cannot overcome on your own.  maybe its something external; a situation or problem you’re facing at work, or with a friend or family member.

whatever it is, i’m slowly learning that we dont truly understand the power of this thing called grace until we finally let go.  and we verbalize what’s going on.  we tell someone we trust, we’re honest about it, and suddenly, it loses some of its power.  because someone else knows.  someone else, with a different perspective, who will be there, and pray for us.  and point us to the One who promised to never leave us.

so maybe thats where i find myself tonight.  no, let me correct that.  that is where i find myself tonight.  i am dealing with internal hurts and personality traits i cannot overcome.  and im dealing with a challenge at work that honestly has me concerned.  i know, we dont like to admit when something makes us nervous.  but this does.  this makes me nervous.

we all need these reminders.  reminders of things bigger than me.  reminders of the calling placed on our lives for a life bigger than me. we all need to be reminded that this isnt the end.  that one situation, one challenge doesnt end our story.  we all need to be reminded that grace exists.  we all need to be reminded that the great chasm we sense at times, has already been bridged.  we all need to be reminded that we werent made to worry, that we were given this life to live to point to the One who gives life.

we all need to be reminded that on the roads we walk, we all need grace.  that no matter how much we have it together, we all need mercy and kindness and love.

so this is me, being honest about where im at.  that im stuck and that im in need of resuce.

this is me,  doing my best, and asking for help in letting go.

You alone can rescue
You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us
lead us out of death
to You alone belongs the highest praise

Matt Redman – You Alone Can Rescue

i would never have guessed that in the closing months of my 29th year on this planet, these would be the circumstances that surround me.  i would never have guessed the changes, the upheaval, the pain and loss, and joy and freedom that the previous 29 years would have brought.

i would never have imagined that this is where i would be.

would i have chosen these roads? this path? would i, being given the vision of my, of this future, have chosen the same road that i was asked to walk? probably not.

but that only means one thing. it means that im not as wise as i want to be. that there are bigger things at play here than i comprehend. and that even after all ive seen, all ive done, and all ive come from, that there is still a rescuer out there. that He rescued me. and that He’ll be there when i need rescuing again.

so as i stand, looking at the final few months of my 20’s, i dont fear. i may not have chosen these roads, but ive walked them.

and as i step into 2010….

i will chose to hold the hand of the one who has brought me this far.

Father let my heart be after you…

Needtobreathe – Garden