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answers seem to come when we least expect them. and sometimes, if we’re not paying attention, we miss them. and we miss the growth, the opportunities to learn, and to live life, that much more.
i dont pretend to have all the answers. and i dont think we were meant to live life with all the answers. life was meant to be mysterious. life was meant to make us risk, put our hearts on the line, and maybe… just maybe, find what we were looking for.
once upon a time, there was a boy… and he thought he had found a girl. and in his prayers, he asked his Father for guidance. for answers. for a direction. he even had other friends praying for the same.
weeks later, the answer came. it wasnt the answer he expected. in fact, he didnt even realize it was the answer until days later. but the answer came. his Father was faithful.
the answer came. and thankfully, i saw it.
in this mystery, we will always have questions. moments when life seems to stop us, and we cannot help but question, cry out for understanding, and simply wonder. sometimes, the answer will come when we need them. other times, we will simply be asked to trust, and keep walking, even when it doesnt make sense.
we’re all given dreams, passions, things that make our hearts beat. we’re all given things that make us feel alive, and beyond that, make us want to live life… it is in those things that we know our Father exists. and that He cares. it is because of those giftings that we know that there is a calling, and a hope. and that even in the midst of the mystery, we can keep going.
He never promised that the way would be clear, only that He’d be with us. and that, in Him… we can learn to walk through the mist… trusting that one day soon… we will learn to run
i stood outside carey dorm last night. only minutes from leaving my two ‘little’ sisters at school. for the first time. ever.
carey is a girls dorm, and as it was almost 10pm, guys were not allowed inside. so we men stood outside and waited. i ended up chatting with a father who was waiting for both wife and daughter. they were from ohio and this was their first time actually seeing the campus. as we chatted, he mentioned that i didnt look old enough to be a dad, i told him i was the older brother, he smiled and we moved on.
somehow, during the course of the 2 minute conversation, i mentioned how much i felt that this was so very much the next chapter in both of my sisters lives. how the past 6 years had been rough, how dad had left etc… i wasnt looking for pity, or acceptance, or acknowledgment… i was simply sharing, on a very surface level, an extremely brief snippet of what life had been like.
and then he thanked me, for standing in the gap.
the truth is, i would never have chosen to do this. i dont feel worthy, or capable of that call. i would never have chosen to be the only male of my family seeing both of my sisters off as freshman. entering into the next phase of the awesome life God has in store for them.
in a perfect world, my father would have been there. but he wasnt, i was.
and the truth is, i dont honestly feel that i am standing in the gap. maybe because i always thought that someone who stood in the gap was supposed to know they were capable of that calling. they were supposed to be certain of their abilities, and their strengths. and, in a way, were supposed to repair and repay what had – for so long – been stolen.
and maybe, in a way, thats the actual truth. i dont have the ability to repair or repay. but we serve a God who promised to do just that.
maybe, im not the one standing in the gap. He is. and maybe He always has been. Fathering them. Fathering us. Fathering me.
im not perfect. far from it. but as i stood there, i knew that moment was special. i knew that it would never be relived. i knew that the night previous, was probably the last night we spend all living in the same house. and somehow, it was all ok.
im learning that hope and surrender come hand in hand. and if one truly wants to find hope, they will -always- find the call to surrender.
i realized in that moment that hope was being birthed. that in the midst of tears, and the memories of the past… wings were stretching… visions were being raised, and my sisters were beginning to fly.
and the call to surrender was there. as it is here now. calling me, to let them go. to let the Father who has always been there, always be there. because i wont be. i cant be. i will try, but i cannot promise. but He can. and the thing is, He did. He promised.
so its with that promise, that i do surrender.
sarah and beth, may you find yourselves lost in who Christ is, in all of His love for you, and in the hope of a future assured. a future, certain. a future that is bright and amazing and beautiful.
go.
run.
be free.
and live life.
i love you.
everything by lifehouse has been one of those songs that even 7 years after i first heard it, is still amazing.
well, check out this video. it’s a human-drama set to everything. i dont know who did it, but its worth watching. very worth watching.
there is hope.
life changes. and with those changes come the responsiblity to grow and adapt and become better for them. sometimes those changes are sudden, unexpected and unwanted… all we can do is react, recover and eventually, move on. other times though, those changes are good things. very good things.
my sisters leave in 3 days. for school. for a year. wow. this is a good thing btw.
being the over protective older brother is going to change now. it will have to. but it needs to. you see, they’re ready to go. and beyond that, they need to go.
i have no doubt in my mind that this will be the beginning of their time to fly. this will be their time to find their wings, what truly makes their hearts beat… and fly.
or as someone once said to me… run.
i am so proud of them. proud of who they are becoming. of how beautiful they are.. and i am so immensely excited of what this year will be for them. the first year, literally, of the rest of their lives.
and so the challenge comes…. after this. after friday… whats next? for me?
to be honest. im not sure. im struggling with how to segue into this. i wrote the below a few nights ago. and at the time, i felt the need to sit on it.
i cannot promise it makes sense, but its a part of my heart. a part of what ive been feeling the past few weeks. and who knows, it may even be a part of my future.
——
where do you go? where do you go when you’re looking for a father? where does one learn how to live the life of a Godly man when there is no Godly man to show him? how are we expected to find our way down this road, without a guide? how am i supposed to learn about love? about really truly loving a woman for all that she is, with all that i am and all that i have, for all of eternity… without seeing it done?
this journey into manhood, without a father, is something i would never wish upon anyone. its like being asked to find your way through the wilderness, to the man your supposed to be… without knowing the way, a general direction, or even what the final destination is supposed to look like.
when all you ever learned was inadequacy, was unworthiness, was what ‘not’ to do… how do you take that and translate it into action? into a direction? into a hope for the future?
….
how do i take what i see, what i feel… how do i tell her that im going crazy. that im terrified of feeling this way because i dont know how to love her the way i want to. that all i know, all i was ever shown was how to screw up the best thing that was ever given to you?
what do i do with this? with this gift, this… seeing this beauty? how do i tell her? do i tell her? am i crazy? is this just a pipe dream of a boy who died so long ago?
….
if anything, i am still learning. im still learning that there is healing that still needs to take place. that there are places in my heart where, at most, you will find insecurity and uncertainty.
the longer i live, the more i realize that only a true father can raise sons into true manhood. and if there is a promise i cling to, its that there is One who will put the fatherless into families.
You promised. and now, i’m asking for you to fulfill that promise. i need a Father, and if all i’ll ever have is you… then help me. help me to become the man i so want to be. for me. for her, wherever she may be.
——
all i know is this:
with tremendous blessing and change, comes the challenge. to not become stagnant. to not settle. to continue to look up, look for the next thing God has for you. the challenge to never let anything satisfy that isnt what God has designed just for you.
so as my sisters transition into their change… as they step into their futures. as they move into the amazing futures that God has destined specifically for each of them…. i can only say one thing….
run!
p.s.
go. hear. and hope.
http://blog.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms
and
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
a boy years to know that he is prized…
without this bedrock of affirmation, this core of assurance, a man will move unsteadily through the rest of his life, trying to prove his worth and earn belovedness through performance or achievement, through sex or in a thousand other ways. quite often he doesnt know this is his search. he simply finds himself uncertain in some core place inside, ruled by fears and the opinions of others, yearning for someone to notice him. he longs for comfort, and it makes him uneasy because at thirty-seven or fifty-one shouldnt he be beyond that now? a young place in his heart is yearning for something he never received.
-the way of the wild heart
i dont know where you’re leading me God. and for the first time in a long time, i feel a familiar stirring in my heart. i so want to hope. i so want to know freedom again. i so want to run into all that you have for me.
beyond that, i want to feel safe, in your arms.
i want to know, beyond all doubt, that i can be safe in your arms. that i can run to you. i know intimately what it feels like, to be the prodigal son… and feel so unworthy of the Fathers House… and for so long, ive not allowed you to come to me.
God i never learned how to be a son. i never knew what it meant. i need you to show me…
find me in the river
find me on my knees
ive walked against the water
now im waiting if you please
we’ve longed to see the roses
but never felt the thorns
and bought our pretty crowns
but never paid the price
find me in the river
find me there
find me on my knees with my soul laid bare
even though Youre gone
and im cracked and dry
find me in the river
im waiting here
find me in the river
find me on my knees
ive walked against the water
now im waiting if you please
we didnt count on suffering
we didnt count on pain
but if the blessings in the valley
then in the river i will wait
find me in the river
-delirious
Lord you have my heart
and i will search for yours
Jesus take my life and lead me on
Father, i need to see you. i need to hear you. and i need your direction. life is so much more precious than i treat it. and i need your help to act in a way worthy of how much you’ve given me. i need to know what to do.
(now playing: anberlin/cable car/cities)
my grandparents, in so many ways, are heroes to me. now, my moms parents are far from perfect, dont get me wrong… but they’re still together. and they have been for a long time.
each afternoon, they go down to the local cafe and sit, people watch, and enjoy coffee.
its amazing, but im slowly realizing that that is just what i want. its where i want to end up. still in love, still enjoying coffee, 50+ years after ‘i do’.
while back home a few weeks ago, i walked into a grocery store and stepped aside for an elderly man and woman. obviously married, and probably oblivious to most of the world around them… but something rang true when i saw that. something in that moment, echoed a cry from my heart…. i want that. i want to grow old, in love.
i’m not sure where i’m headed tonight; other than to say that this part of who i am, i had forsaken. if i was honest, id have to tell you that there were times where i contemplated not ever finding that ‘someone’. where i could honestly see myself living the rest of my days single.
i dont have a lot to give. not yet. im still very much walking out from under the destruction of my parents divorce, and my fathers mistakes.
most men feel sentenced by their fathers in three ways. we feel sentenced by the wound, by what we got from them in answer to our deepest question (do i have what it takes?). we feel sentenced by the fact that there is now no one to lead us on in our need for masculine initiation. and we feel sentenced somehow to a bond we feel with our fathers – their sins, their failures, what they were as men. it feels like the hand we have been dealt. as if we might, with effort, make it a little father than he, but we will always be his son.
the way of the wild heart
-john eldridge
there are still parts of who i am entangled in the mess that john describes in this book. its amazing, but i still consider myself my fathers son. and when someone mentions his shortcomings, his failures, his sins, i hurt. and i dont know why……
sometimes, its in our silence that our heart speaks the loudest. sometimes its not the presence of a great orator, or the abundance of words that communicates what our hearts are feeling… sometimes its just the ‘being there’, the presence of something we know is beyond us.
sometimes, its in the moments of quiet when we realize the beauty around us. we realize the grace, the passion, the greatness in the things, the people, we’ve always known. we simply see them in new light.
there will come a time, when my heart will be ready. when i’ll risk it all, put my everything on the line and fall in love. im not there yet. im not. im not the type of man who could say ‘i do’, and say it again 50+ years from now over a cup of coffee.
but i want to be. i so want to be.
life is calling.
me.
and for the first time in a long time, im beginning to listen.
i dont know what the future holds; or 6 months from now, what it will look like… but i know that change is coming. i can sense it.
my office moved over the weekend. my sisters leave in 2 weeks. and my future seems unsure. no, let me rephrase that. i know my future is sure. it is. im just beginning to open my eyes to what is coming.
—-
i sit here before you, and i am still alive. i am still breathing. 6 years after the world fell apart and i am still here.
ive got so much i want to write, so much i want to share, so much that is pressing on my heart… but for probably the 4th time in as many nights, i just dont have the words.
i will say this much; in my previous post, i talked about finding life. i’m realizing – im not done yet. life isnt through with me, and i sure as heck am not through with life.
yes, there are still doors in my heart that need to be opened. paths of forgiveness, of grace, and of utter brokenness that need to be walked. there is still restoration needed, and there is still a cry for hope.
—–
i wonder if the disciples felt it. i wonder if they heard the distant rumbles, the indiscernible calling of something more… of life. just outside of their grasp, just over the horizon. i wonder if they just knew there was something more. something that they day-in day-out wasn’t fulfilling.i believe they did. i believe they were looking for what was next, and when Life asked them to follow… there was no reason to look back. because they had made their decision long ago. they followed…. and the world changed.
i’m sure there will be challenges. and there will be mistakes. and many more ups and downs than i care to imagine, but its precisely those moments that remind me that i am still alive. it is the frustrations at work, the longer commute, the dirty dishes sitting in the sink… it is the day-in day-out circumstances that remind me that life is meant to be more. that there is still more out there, that life is out there. and i will find it.
because now, i am looking.
you have walked so deep a canyon
deep a canyon now
and in the end you know that you’ve been found
been found
heaven sure fell hard upon you
hard upon you now
and in the end you know that you’ve been found
you’re found
oohhh, you belong now
ohhhh, you are free
so open wide the arms you’re given
you’re too alive to just stand still
open wide the heart as you breath in
you’re too alive to just stay here
you wondered how your searching heart
your searching heart would roam
coming to the place that you call home
you’re home
oohhh, you belong now
ohhhh, you are free
so open wide the arms you’re given
you’re too alive to just stand still
open wide the heart as you breath in
you’re too alive to just stay here
you’re shaken up
awaken
you gotta live
you gotta love
so open wide the arms you’re given
you’re too alive to just stand still
open wide the heart as you breath in
you’re too alive to just stay here
Future of Forestry
‘Open Wide’
twilight
you’d think that after having spent a week back home, reconnecting, healing, and finding freedom, i’d have so many words that i wouldnt know where to start. in all honesty, im not there. i dont have words. im simply… thankful.
im learning that moments of hope come at the most unexpected times. and im learning that the winds of change, and the storms of life are often times, one in the same.
and ive begun to realize that the old adage, we dont know what we’ve got until its gone is true. we dont. we so often dont realize the true value of what is in our lives, until it is gone.
we live in such a fast-paced world, that we often miss what we have.
and its only when we no longer have the ability to reach out and hug a friend, or meet them for coffee, that we realize how precious they are. that we realize how important, vital, and beautiful friendship is.
its then that we realize that the people placed in our lives must be there for a purpose. that this isn’t an accident. that these people, for better or for worse, are destined to be in our life. that they were designed to cross the roads we are on.
friends are there through thick and thin. through ups and downs. through victory, and failure. friends are the people whos names appear over and over again in our prayers, thoughts, and hearts.
the more i live, the more i realize that it is in these people that we find gifts beyond measure, that we find hope, that we find inspiration. that we find, in its most rare and pure form, life.
our friends are rainbows in our lives. God ordained reminders of His promises to us.
promises that we’re not fighting through this storm, to simply drown. promises that life will get better, that we have a hope and a future. promises that this is worth it.
our friends remind us that life is worth living, and that even when we dont always see it, that this life is beautiful, simply because they are in it.
……
maybe your one of those who is blessed to live close enough to those you call friends, those called to walk alongside you, those you have been called to walk alongside, to see them on a regular basis. maybe you can meet them for coffee, or a night of throwing a frisbee on the beach.
if you do; the next time you order your americano, or see one of them pull off an amazing frisbee catch, make sure you let them know that they are without a doubt, the most amazing people in the world. and that you’re eternally grateful for having them in your life.
…..
jenna, wendy, jen, april and mattie; thank you – for making this life so beautiful. i am more thankful for each of you than words could ever express. you challenge me, call me to live a more holy life, and offer me hope….thank you all, so much.
thank you, each of you, you bring life.
fathers mystify me. they do.
i spent some time with mine today. its not always easy. we have our good days, and we have our not so good days.
ive learned a lot from him. i have. and as much as we have our issues, and as much as we’ll never have a real father/son relationship, i have learned things from him that i value.
ive learned the value of hard work. i cant really credit anyone else with showing me a hard work ethic. i cant say it was done perfectly, but hey… i work my tail off. and im thankful for that.
i also learned the value of a job well done. and of seeing the skill and passion that goes into things most other people either take for granted, or simply miss. ive helped to build houses, run plumbing, build window frames… and sweep the garage, a lot. and when i see something constructed well, even if its nothing more than a barn, i see the passion and sweat that went into it. and im thankful to see that.
……
i wont lie to you. my father and i never had a normal relationship. i can remember hating him when i was a child. i can remember seething when he’d embarrass me in front of my friends.
and somehow i remember that this was supposed to be ‘normal’. that growing up this way was what every other kid was doing. that we were all supposed to hate our fathers, and that embarrassment was normal.
that having a father who returned his Christmas presents because they were ‘too expensive” was what everyone else did in early January. that stories of abuse would surface many years later. that not wanting to grow up and be ‘just like dad’ was what every 12 year old did.
can you believe that i probably was in my mid-20s before i began to realize that maybe, just maybe, not everyone grew up like i did? that not everyone had a dad they couldnt stand? and to be honest, in my early 20s, i hated him. passionately. the only reason i talked with him during that time of my life was because i was afraid of what he’d do if i didnt. either to himself, or to my family. now? i still think that… though not as much.
so where am i going with all this? good question. i will be looking for an apartment sometime late this summer. my office is moving and my commute will probably not be tons of fun. and besides, its time. i need to. and i mentioned this to my dad. his response?
he wanted me to move in with him. into his 1 bedroom apartment. yes, ONE BEDROOM. you see, he’s getting involved in this insurance business. he’s going to need a computer. and he knows nothing about computers. so, for
“3-6 months, i can have you 2-3 nights a week for about an hour. that way, i wont have to call you with computer questions”.
oh… and of course, i can
“take the pressure of rent off of his shoulders”.
…..
i think im still realizing that not everyones father is this way. that not everyone grew up like i did.
if you havent figured it out yet, im not your typical 27 year old. there are parts of me that i dont understand. parts of who a man is supposed to be that escape me.
id love to say that at 27, im ready for marriage. that i feel the foundation i have is strong enough to be a man who can hold a marriage up… who could, someday, have a family. i cant say that.
im still looking for purpose. for the foundation that i so want.
there were so many things i missed. so many instances, moments in time where manhood was supposed to be passed on to me, that never happened. so many ways that i feel like im faking it.
maybe thats it… im faking. because i dont know how to do this the way it was supposed to be done.
…..
i may live the rest of my life with questions unanswered. i may never find the completion, the fullness, the firm foundation im looking for… i may never find the complete meaning to the questions i have…
i would never pray the childhood i had on anyone. but when i look at the damaged parts of my life, the parts that he was supposed to build up, invest in and grow… somehow, i find meaning.
in the pieces, in the pain, there is meaning. there is hope. and i pray that i can bring that hope to others who havent yet found it.
the broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonite
maybe it cant stop tomorrow, from stealing all my time
i am here still waiting, i still have my doubts
i am damaged at best, like you’ve already figured out
im falling apart, im barely breathing
with a broken heart, thats still bleeding
in the pain, there is healing
in your name, i find meaning
so im holding on, im holding on
im holding on, im barely holding on to you
the broken locks were a warning, you got inside my head
i tried my best to be guarded, im an open book instead
i still see your reflection, inside of my eyes
that are looking for purpose, they’re still looking for life
im falling apart, im barely breathing
with a broken heart, thats still bleeding
in the pain, is there healing
in your name, i find meaning
so im holding on, im holding on
im holding on, im barely holding on to you
im haning on, another day
just to see what you will throw my way
and im hangin on, to the words you say
you said that i
will be ok
the broken lights on the freeway, left me here alone
i may have lost my way now, havent forgotten my way home
broken
lifehouse
there are so may ways that my relationship with God has been impacted by my relationship with my father. i cannot deny that, and in all honesty, thats what this entire post is dedicated to. thats what it all boils down to.
we all enter this life helpless, and in tremendous need. the lucky ones have those needs met; physically, emotionally, and spiritually. there are others though, who fend for themselves. who have to find the solutions to the problems they face. solutions that, so many others were given.
they carry the scars, the burdens of what was lost. and in so many ways, they still need rescue.
someOne once said that He’d restore the years that the ‘locust had eaten’. He promised to restore what was lost. and to be honest, i cant see how He can restore this. how he can look at a generation of people just like me, and stand by that promise.
but if He can… then i’ll let Him.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 