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have you ever just stood outside and watched a thunderstorm roll in? smelled the change in the atmosphere? you almost sense that the earth knows that something violent, powerful and ultimately cleansing is coming. something of supreme beauty, and ultimately, danger.
have you ever stood outside and felt the first drops, promising the torrents that will come?
have you ever stood there and felt the temperature plunge? watched the trees as their peaceful slumber is interrupted and they’re transformed from sleeping beauties into a writhing mass of leaves, branches and wind?
thunderstorms in texas are unlike any storms you’ll find on earth. jade green clouds, a brisk vibrancy on the wind; the atmosphere itself is almost electric. its like all the earth stands still in anticipation.
and a thunderstorm at night? it can leave you breathless.
i’ve had the benefit of driving through some of the craziest storms we’ve had down here. and although i find them awesome, make no mistake that the damage they can cause, and the tornado’s they can spawn are nothing to be romanced. they are dangerous, period.
thunderstorms are a part of life, and in as much as they are dangerous, they are beautiful. they provide light where there was none.
and if you can imagine standing at the top of a precipice, the sun long set… watching a storm roll in. when it finally arrives, for the briefest of moments, the darkness of night that swallows you whole is pushed away. lightning flashes. and for that moment in time, you can see. you can see where you are, what’s next, and if you’re high enough, what’s to come.
sometimes, we’re blessed with those moments of vivid clarity for our own lives. moments when, in the midst of the storm, lightning flashes. and for that nanosecond, everything is bright. and in some small way, you’re given peace. you realize that the world, the mountain youre on, or the valley you’re in, are much larger than you are. you realize that this storm roiling over your head is beyond your capability to control. you realize how small you are, and how awesome it is to be alive during this time.
even more rare, is when the storm flashes… and we’re not given a glimpse of our lives, but the life of someone else. in that moment, the darkness is pushed back and we see how amazing their life is. we see what’s already passed, and what is to come. we see their future. the rolling green hills and the mountains that will need climbing.
in that kairos moment, we’re given a glimpse into the life of someone else. a glimpse into how the King views this person. not just as she is, but as she can be, as she will be. and if we allow ourselves, we accept the burden of knowing. and of praying. and of supporting this person. even if it means from afar.
because we realize that we weren’t given this gift of vision, to consume on ourselves. we realize, i realize… that with this glimpse comes the challenge of praying for her. and trusting that the King who granted such a wonderful glimpse…. will keep her safe. because in that split second, something was communicated to us that no amount of words could communicate. value. you realize that she’s the alluvial diamond. that this flash of daylight was a glimpse into her future. into something that is beyond me. beyond my capability to understand…. both dangerous, and beautiful. breathtakingly beautiful.
i realize how much these glimpses mean. because they are roadsigns, gifts from the King, and a sign that i’m not lost. yes, the storm may be intense, this valley may be deep, or the mountain may seem unclimbable….
but above the storm exists One who looks down… and controls all.
we we’re born with a knowing that there was more to life than a 9-5 job. it’s in lifes storms that we discover what that calling really is.
it’s a calling of hope, of passion, of sacrifice and pain and heartache. it’s a calling to live a dangerous life. and a life filled with a beauty beyond our wildest dreams.
so it is in His hands that i place her future. just because i was given the gift of lightning doesnt mean i’m to intrude. it only means that she’s climbing a mountain, or facing a valley… and she needs someone to pray for her. so i will.
i spent the majority of this week in Denver on business. and as much as the trip was a professional blessing, i found myself thinking of things completely un-work related.
i was at a company sponsored dinner last night. and as the wine flowed, and conversation came easy to those around me, something caught my attention…
i sat there, and i stared. it was simple really, it wasnt anything miraculous or breathtaking to anyone but me. it didnt cause the earth to stand still. there was no voice from heaven or angelic choir. it was the hand of my coworker. holding a wineglass. it was her left hand. and there was a beautiful ring on her finger.
and in a moment, everything around me faded away. i was transported. i wasnt at dinner surrounded by coworkers. i was lost a world beyond my physical location. wondering… wondering whose hand would sit across the table from me, every night for the rest of my life. whose ring would glitter in the dim light of the italian restaurant… whose hand would mindlessly caress her wineglass.
i wondered if i’d ever find her. and if she wonders the same thing.
later that evening… a certain someone popped into my head. and, well. i realized this:
you? you are beautiful. and its not just a physical beauty. it isnt. it emanates from who you are. from your spirit. you glow. and it makes all of who you are, beautiful.
you? you are worthy to be chased. you are worth fighting for. you are worth losing everything in life to obtain. you are the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. you are worth waiting for. and worth dreaming about.
you may not see it yet, not as clearly as you will. you may not even believe it’s there, but it is. its inside you. a gift from your Creator. specific to you, and for you. and it makes you beautiful.
and even if i’m never the one to chase you, even if im not the one who sits across from you, filled with joy because you wear my ring. even if i never get the chance to tell you in person, you are worthy of pursuing. and if there was a line to stand in, i’d camp outside to be first.
you’re worthy of love. of fighting for.
you are beautiful.
if i disappeared tomorrow, what would i leave behind? what legacy would carry on beyond just me? would people tell stories? would my life be worthy of remembering?
im slowly realizing that each day im alive, i’m gifted with the blessing of a blank canvas, a brush, and a pallet of colors to chose from. and each day, im faced with the challenge and responsibility of painting how the day will go. how i will chose to act, and react. how i will speak, and how i will listen.
what colors do i paint with? what colors do i chose to use?
what memory will be left when im gone? what will people remember about me?
im realizing that my lack of deep relationships here in texas directly impacts the depth and passion with which my colors will come through. there is no deeper a blue, or vibrant a red, no more alive a green than what comes from mixing your colors with those of someone you care for.
friendship breeds color, and the vibrant brightness of life.
when im gone, i want people to look at my paintings and know that i lived a full life. i want them to see the green of the hills in Ireland, the gray skies of a Scottish morning, the deep blue of Australia’s coral reefs. i want them to know that the red of my love burned deep, for my saviour, and for my wife.
paintings like that, colors as rich as the experiences this life can offer, dont come overnight. they’re birthed each day, when you wake up. when i wake up. colors like that come from risk. from allowing yourself to be real. to be a friend, even when you’re afraid. colors like that are born from the real, gritty experiences that can be found only by living life fully.
if i want colors that rich, then the blackness of my nights will be that much darker. the deep blue pain will be that much more sharp. the gray of loneliness will be that much more real.
life in so many ways is an all or nothing ordeal. many times, you will not be able to pick and chose the experiences you walk through. if you chose to live life to its fullest, it will be breathtaking, it will be filled with love. but you will also feel pain and you will know intimately, the sting of betrayal, and the heartbreak of loss.
i cannot help but feel that when Christ called his first disciples, that deep in their soul, they knew that this calling, this question to follow the One they’d only just met, they knew that His offer carried with it the weight of a life fully lived. a life filled with the brightest colors this world could offer, but also the darkest nights they would ever experience.
and here we are, 2000 years later still standing in awe of the lives they lived.
i want that.
i’ll take the dark nights, the deep blue of pain and the aching gray of loneliness. i’ll take those because i’m listening to His call. and i’m choosing to follow.
i found myself stumbling down memory lane. not so much memories of what was, but of what could have been. had decisions been different. had i been someone in a different place, a different time, many years ago.
and i found myself wondering if she would have been mine. would we, could we have wound up together?
i’m not obsessing. im not. because i havent thought of this person in some time. but she popped up on my facebook. and i remembered how sweet her spirit was, how honest and sensitive her heart was. and i wondered.
my heart broke as the realization came that more than likely, she had in some ways, abandoned her faith. she had found her solace, in a man. and although i am thrilled for her. i hurt too. because of what she may be missing. and because in so many ways, i am just like her.
how often do i settle for less than His best? or concede things i should fight for?
would i have fought for her?
when i meet the her im supposed to meet, will i fight for her? will i fight to keep her safe? to protect her honor and valor? to defend her relationship with the Author of this story? will i be a man who protects and cherishes her heart? or will i be a point of concession? a footnote in the story?
love confuses me in so many ways. but i believe that’s a good thing. there is a supposed to be mystery, suspension. something there that doesnt quite make sense but is beautiful and breathtaking and terrifying all at once. love is supposed to rip you open and completely destroy what you thought was true. love is supposed to change everything. its was created to be the pinnacle of this story that we live.
someday, i hope i find it. but beyond that, whomever you are out there, i pray that i will be man enough to be more than just a footnote in your story. i pray my love for you, and for the Author of our stories, will be strong enough…. to love you for you.
i had a conversation with someone earlier today. one that ive had with myself more time than i can count. and i came to realize that we are all, our own worst critic. and because we berate and beat ourselves so, because we’re so hard on ourselves, we never truly see the beauty that’s being created inside of us.
we never realize that our scars, are the very things that give us our beauty. we never realize that our stories, our stories of hope, of battle, of victory… of loss, of pain, and of abandonment…these stories weave together to create in us the very things that make us beautiful. these stories are a part of who we are, and when we look at them separately, when we dissect them and take then apart piece by piece. we lose. always.
if you look at the parts of who i am, i am a failure. if you were to take apart my relationships, my job, my history, my passions, my sins… and review each one, i would be found faulty, broken and without defense.
my stories would each, individually, persuade you that i am a failure. a broken, overly emotional man with a serious fear of commitment. these stories, in and of themselves, would tell you im damaged, un-whole, and unwholesome. unable to love, and unlovable.
hydrogen, helium and other elements. thats it. that, in its barest form, in its individual parts, is a star. hydrogen, helium and other heavier elements. cosmic leftovers. and in and of themselves, useless.
but if you stand back, just a bit and take in the bigger picture, you’ll realize that a star is more than that. you’ll realized that it was placed there, by a hand much larger than yours. you’ll realize that it’s not just one star, but billions. and you’ll realize that with your naked eye, you hardly see the tiniest percentage of whats out there.
you’ll realize that a star is more than the sum of its parts. its more than hydrogen or helium. you’ll realize that just one star, points the way north and has been used by humans for centuries to navigate by.
stars, together, have told stories, been the stuff of myths and legends, acted as omens, and a sign of things to come. one star, even heralded the coming of the One who knows each one by name.
im not perfect. far from it. in fact, in the lens of grace, you’d see every one of my imperfections. you’d see how truly unlovable, and unable to love i am. you’d see me for how wretched of a person i am.
but its this very lens of grace, that cost the life of the only perfect person who ever walked this earth, its this very lens… that deems me lovable, whole, and able to love.
so yes, if you take my life apart, i am broken. i am damaged and unholy. i am loveless and unlovable.
but if you take a step back, and see my life through the lens of grace, if you see your life through the lens of grace… you’ll see the beauty that i’m learning exists in us all. you’ll see your scars not as ugly, but as testaments to who you are. to how far you’ve come, and to who this One is, who promises to heal the broken hearted.
i may have a long way to go to become the person that grace tells me i can, but i want to. because grace is amazing. grace makes me beautiful, and it makes you beatiful. and more than anything, i want to see that beauty.
“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures”
-Thorton Wilder
Happy Thanksgiving
there are moments in life when we know that something bigger than us, has reached out and in some way, changed our lives. moments when we know that our little lives have been brushed by a beauty we do not understand. with something beyond what we currently know. and although we dont understand it, we instinctively respect and honor it.
maybe it was the first time you saw a couple really in love… and even though it escaped your 10 year old minds ability to comprehend, you knew it was special. and somehow, you knew that someday, you would want that too.
or maybe it was a glimpse into someones future. someone who’s life you’d only have a small part of, but you just knew that this life would be great.
maybe it was at a concert, and hearing a then-unknown artist bare their soul on the stage, you just knew that this time next year, success would rain down upon this person.
whatever it was, you knew you had been touched by greatness. and even if you couldnt comprehend all of it, you knew it was wonderful. you knew it was bigger than you ever could hope to be, and you knew that just being there…. was something to be cherished.
nearly 9 years ago, i was touched by such a greatness. and even though i didnt know how long this person would be in my life, or where it would lead, i knew it was special. and i knew that i’d been given a gift, something… someone to cherish. even if only for a time.
and its this person, this time in history, this reason that i write tonight.
because in a little more than 2 months…. this person gets married.
—
late one night almost 9 years ago, when you rounded the corner in the mall as we were both Christmas shopping, i knew i had stumbled into greatness. into something beyond my comprehension. and even though i didnt fully comprehend it at the time, and probably dont now, i knew it was to be cherished. i knew you were to be cherished.
we all have our roles to play in the lives of those we know and love. and as life goes on, our roles change…. people come, and people go.
it wasnt long after that moment in the mall, that i found myself giving, surrendering you back to your Heavenly Father. i knew you weren’t mine to have. and i knew, i just absolutely knew, that i was only there as a steward. that my calling, my role, was to love and support.
i cannot say i was near perfect, but i knew that you were being saved for the man of your dreams. and i am so incredibly blessed, honored and thankful to know that you’ve found him.
i’m sorry i may not make your wedding, my sisters graduation is the same weekend. but please know i’ll be there in spirit. and the tears that fall will be tears of joy.
why? because i was brushed by greatness… and i am better for it.
someday, i hope to find what you have, and write a story of my own… but for now, jenna marie – go! find out what this thing called love is all about. make babies, throw pots, paint, travel, see the world and live your life to the absolute fullest. because you are destined to do just that. you are destined to greatness.
now playing: pages – shane and shane
if there is one thing i want to carry with me throughout the final days of 2007, one theme that above all guides my heart, and what keeps my heart soft…. i hope and pray that it is the simple truth that we all have so much to be thankful for.
that i have so much, to be thankful for.
someday, be it Gods will, id like to spend this season being thankful with someone. but thats in Gods hands. right now, for this time, i’m choosing to simply be thankful. im choosing to be caught up in the wonder of all that Christmas is. the glorious song of old and the joy that it represents.
there are so many things i could blog about. so many issues, concerns that are pressing on my heart. but not now. not at this moment.
i dont stop often enough and simply give thanks. for life. for being alive. for family and friends that i love so dearly. for a job and a car and for not being rear-ended earlier this week. ‘thank you’ seems paltry in comparison to what ive been given. compared to grace. mercy. hope. love.
i truly have so much to be thankful for.
(now playing: beautiful people – jason upton)
there are times in our lives when words simply fail to express where we are at.
6 years ago this evening, i received a phone call. i was in the middle of soundcheck for a CD release party. that call informed me that my dad had left my mom.
and in all honesty, life became unhinged.
i dont bring that up for pity. because i dont want it. i bring it up to remind myself of where i’ve come from. of what life was like. and how precious the people in my life are.
i bring it up to remind us
if you’re parents are still happily together, thank them. if you’ve found the one you’ve been looking for, then make sure they know it. tonight.
if you’ve got friends like wendy, kate, april, ash and jenna; who will ask the sometimes hard questions, then make sure they know how thankful you are for them.
and if you believe in a Holy God whos heart broke when your world fell apart… then make sure you tell Him you love Him.
you’d think that after having spent a week back home, reconnecting, healing, and finding freedom, i’d have so many words that i wouldnt know where to start. in all honesty, im not there. i dont have words. im simply… thankful.
im learning that moments of hope come at the most unexpected times. and im learning that the winds of change, and the storms of life are often times, one in the same.
and ive begun to realize that the old adage, we dont know what we’ve got until its gone is true. we dont. we so often dont realize the true value of what is in our lives, until it is gone.
we live in such a fast-paced world, that we often miss what we have.
and its only when we no longer have the ability to reach out and hug a friend, or meet them for coffee, that we realize how precious they are. that we realize how important, vital, and beautiful friendship is.
its then that we realize that the people placed in our lives must be there for a purpose. that this isn’t an accident. that these people, for better or for worse, are destined to be in our life. that they were designed to cross the roads we are on.
friends are there through thick and thin. through ups and downs. through victory, and failure. friends are the people whos names appear over and over again in our prayers, thoughts, and hearts.
the more i live, the more i realize that it is in these people that we find gifts beyond measure, that we find hope, that we find inspiration. that we find, in its most rare and pure form, life.
our friends are rainbows in our lives. God ordained reminders of His promises to us.
promises that we’re not fighting through this storm, to simply drown. promises that life will get better, that we have a hope and a future. promises that this is worth it.
our friends remind us that life is worth living, and that even when we dont always see it, that this life is beautiful, simply because they are in it.
……
maybe your one of those who is blessed to live close enough to those you call friends, those called to walk alongside you, those you have been called to walk alongside, to see them on a regular basis. maybe you can meet them for coffee, or a night of throwing a frisbee on the beach.
if you do; the next time you order your americano, or see one of them pull off an amazing frisbee catch, make sure you let them know that they are without a doubt, the most amazing people in the world. and that you’re eternally grateful for having them in your life.
…..
jenna, wendy, jen, april and mattie; thank you – for making this life so beautiful. i am more thankful for each of you than words could ever express. you challenge me, call me to live a more holy life, and offer me hope….thank you all, so much.
thank you, each of you, you bring life.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 