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how long did i tread water? how long did i hold on to the floating remains of my life? the few pieces of the boat that had been my entire existence? how hard did i kick? how many days were spent searching for any sign of land? how many nights did i cry myself to sleep?
before i found her. before i found someone else.. someone who had fought as i had. who had, at one time, clung to her past as an act of simply trying to stay afloat. someone who watched her life explode and sink…and in an instant, found herself miles from shore, and from help.
she made it. she made it to shore… and she didnt run from the water. she knew there were others like her, others, like me… who didnt know which way to swim… or where the shore was.
so she did the only thing she could. she shoved off the shore, and with a ship now hewn by scars and healed wounds, she lived her life on the water. looking for other survivors. others who wouldnt have made it without her guidance. without her encouragement. without her love. without her telling them that she’d been there. that she knew the way to the shore… and that they’d make it.
kate, thank you.
for not giving up. for making it to the shore. and thank you, for coming back for me.
you may never understand how much it meant, to know someone else had survived what i was going through. who made it. who found strength in pain, who found that shore, found life, and brought hope to those who may not have made it.thank you.
for telling me, in so many ways, that everything would be all right.
how long have i been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the oceans shapeless form
waters getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head
if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if id see you
this darkness would turn to light
and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
and know everything will be alright
and know everything is alright
I know you didnt bring me out here to drown
so why am i ten feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cos im so used to living underneath the surface
if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if id see you
this darkness would turn to light
and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall
and i will get lost into your eyes
i know everything will be alright
i know everything is alright
lifehouse
-storm
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
Battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain,
And wash my feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
My sin-soaked heart – make it yours
Take my world all apart,
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can’t deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and blow away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
Steal my heart and take the pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart
Take my world apart
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
Take my world apart
Worlds apart
i stepped out of the car the other night… it was a normal evening. nothing had ‘happened’. no major life events.. and i realized something.
i realized that i have so much to be thankful for.
so often i just rush through my day. the morning is a blur while i wait for coffee to kick in. the day simply rushes by in a haze of spreadsheets, reports and meetings. and by the time i get home, all i want to do is relax.i’m not complaining. i’m not. i have so much to be thankful for.
i have a family that has been through hell, and although we’re kinda odd, we’re still together. and we still love each other.
ive got friends all over the country. friends i know would drop everything to be with me if i needed it. friends to whom i dont say ‘thank you’ enough. friends like kate, april, jenna, ash and wendy. and thats just the short list.
i dont tell my family how much it means to be able to see them on a daily basis. i almost force myself to forget that, for a very long time, i couldnt do that.
i dont tell God how thankful i am for how much He has done for me. how thankful i am for how much rescuing i truly needed.
i dont. and i should.
i think, part of my issue with honestly giving thanks is that it, in a way, makes me realize how much more there is that i still want to see. still want to achieve. how much living this life, right now, here in texas is not all that i want. i am not living my dreams. im not. and in so many ways, im not even chasing them.
i know the next few months are going to bring about change. and if im totally honest with you, id prefer to simply go to work, and live out this life like nothing was going to be any different. i find security in routine. i do. routines give me a feeling of control.
but dreams…. dreams are not about control. dreams force you to throw aside your fears. to look impossibility in the face and declare at the top of your lungs that impossible is nothing. dreams force you to see what you dont want to see. maybe youre not following your dreams.. that you, in a sense, gave up on them, when you should have stubbornly held on.
dreams bring life into focus.
When Christ called his first disciples… he chose fishermen. he didnt chose the well educated, the well-off or the well-to-do. when Christ looked for his core group, his generals, his… special forces unit… he chose fishermen.
the statistics have not changed. not in more than 2000 years. being a fisherman, espically an alaskan crab fisherman, is still the most dangerous profession you can have.
policemen, firemen, bomb squad technicians and body guards… all are less dangerous professions.
why did Christ chose fishermen? what did he see in them?
honestly… i dont know. was it their dreams? was it the determination in them do get the job done no matter what? what did they posses that so attracted Christ that they were his first?
i want to dream again. i want to hope again. i want that feeling of flying to be alive and burning inside of my soul. i want to prepare for whats next, to be so excited with hope that i cannot sit still. i want to live this life… like it is truly worth living.
i want, i want to be the type of man that Christ sees as a ‘first wave’. i want to be in His core group. i want to hear his voice calling out to me saying “follow me”. and i want the guts, the balls to drop everything, dream, and follow him.
im exhausted. i am. but i guess, in a way, its a good thing.
there are things you realize only when you’re drained. things that come to you only when you’ve exhausted your internal reserves. things you learn only when you drop your guard, simply because you haven’t the strength to hold it any longer.
sometimes those things we learn shake us to our core. sometimes those things destroy us. we may realize that, what we’ve run so hard from, is inside of us. or, we may see that we really have lost our way…
other times, the things we learn shake us, but they do not destroy us.
maybe we realize that our heart is healing. that spring is coming… that this winter of the soul that has lasted for far to long… is not forever. we begin to see the ice melt… and the promise of spring rains brew on the horizon.
our heart begins to beat again. and even if the first thing we feel, is how truly broken it is… we’re thankful. because for so long we thought we’d never see it reach out for someone else. we’re thankful to know we can still feel. still love. and still desire love in return. and even if that love isnt returned, there is still promise. because we realize we’re not totally broken. we realize that there is still destiny for us.
we realize that love is possible. and even if we dont know where our heart will find its match, we sit in thankful silence…. because we know that our heart is still beating.
revelation comes at a cost. always. it doesnt matter if we chose to react to the revelation or not. either way, it costs. we either chose to react to the revelation, and are hopefully bettered by it, or we chose to ignore the information that we now know… and we chose to not change. and life continues as it always was.
we either live with the results and changes of doing something with what we have learned; or, we live, wondering for the rest of our lives what could have been… had we simply chosen to do something with that revelation.
what the hell am i doing? am i really going to go ‘there’?
now im sitting here asking myself if i really want to do this? to go into my own heart and look at the wounds, the pain, the infection. do i really want to lift the charade and look underneath? am i willing to look beyond the paper mache mask ive created?
i honestly dont see how i have a choice. not if i ever want to love again. not if i ever want to be perfectly honest with someone, and be perfectly ok with it. because right now, i cant love the way i want to.
i grew up basing my self worth on what other people thought of me. of how much they loved me. this was the driving force behind almost all of my close relationships. i wanted to be the best friend, brother, son, boyfriend possible. because maybe if i was the best, they wouldnt leave me. maybe my friend, sibling, parent, girlfriend would love me.
this wasnt real love. it never was. it was my own feelings of worthlessness driving me to do ‘something’. it was self preservation, masked as love. i was so preoccupied with doing all i could; so that, maybe they’d pretend to not see the mask i wore, and love me anyway.
and now? now im confronted with something new. with some one… new. with the possibility of a great, life long friendship… and all this comes up.
and i am forced to know that if i dont deal with my own short comings, if i dont own up to my own issues, then i will simply follow the path ive gone down every other time. and my efforts, this, i, will fail.
i cant do that. i cant do that to myself, and it is in no way fair to this other person.
someone once said, ‘sometimes you have to leave, to find out who you really are’. i think im finding myself there.
im finding myself standing on the edge of who i am, deeply desiring to jump. to free-fall. to feel the rush of adrenaline, hear the roar of the wind, and the freedom of not holding the cliff wall with white knuckles.
i think that this one post is an echo of what the rest of my life is going to be like. either im going to pursue my dreams, or slowly resign myself to a life of white picket fences. a life of safety. a life devoid of laughter, friendship, hardship and joy. a life devoid of love.
i wrote all of the above earlier this afternoon. and ive just been sitting on it. it feels somehow incomplete. or maybe, its because i feel somehow incomplete. i guess thats because i am huh?
incomplete. broken. imperfect. blemished.
so what does that mean? where does this leave me? honestly, i dont know. i know i cant live this way. i dont deserve it; and neither does this person.
how this is all supposed to happen? i have no clue. what its going to look like? or how im supposed to get from this realization, to action, and hopefully, in the future… wholeness? i dont know. i honestly dont.
but this is me. telling the world my revelation. and i hope, that you will see me react to this. you will see me learn, be changed, and be made whole.
there are times when i seriously hesitate about posting something online. be it simple uncertainty, fear, or knowing its just not the right time… sometimes i wonder if clicking “publish” is the right thing to do.
last night was one of those times.
i wont lie and say i was feeling chipper. because i wasnt. i was rather down last night. and to be honest, i am not sure why.
Christmas did rock. flat out. 110% rocked. the whole day was amazing. heck, the whole three day event was amazing. christmas eve was a ton of fun, christmas morning was great. i gave some stinkin awesome gifts:)
sometimes finding the courage to dream simply means being real with what we’re feeling. dealing with it. bringing it out into the light… because sometimes we need to see things, in the light, to see them for what they really are. and that holds true for the battles we face. sometimes we simply need to expose them to the light, to see how small they really are.
and how truly blessed we are.
Merry Christmas
thats the only thought in my head this evening. and its a fitting thought to end today. because it describes the past few weeks.
i could go into details. i could tell you about how i watched 60 people i considered close friends lose their jobs. how i started my new job. how i saw my sister for the first time in 11 months. and how i said goodbye to her. how i found out two very close friends of mine had been raped.
but i wont. the above? just the titles. no descriptions. no details. just a glimpse into the past few weeks.
some of this has me wondering, crying out… why?
why? that question may never go away. a lot of what has happend will never find its way into the will of any God who calls Himself love. it cannot. for those were acts not commited in any form of love.
part of me wants answers. part of me wants to scream and shout and demand someone pays.
but another part of me, the majority of me. wants to see hope birthed. hope birthed in my friends lives. in their dreams. in their passions and in their love.
i want to see new life, new hope breathed into their very beings.
i want to see healing and freedom and victory over what has happened.
this, this is my hearts cry. freedom. healing. hope. its why i started http://findhope.wordpress.com. and its why i want you to check it out. send your stories. send your words of encouragement, your cries for help, or your stories of hope.
just reach out. because… because there are people out there. who want to help you. who want to offer you hope. and who want to walk though this with you.
blessed be Your name
on the road marked with suffering
though there is pain in the offering
blessed be Your name
every blessing you pour out
Ill turn back to praise
when the darkness closes in Lord
still I will say
blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your glorious name
you give and take away
You give and take away
my heart will chose to say
Lord, blessed be your name
i wrote the following back on 11/20. i include it here because it is a snippet of who i am. and of who i am becoming. because it is about parts of my heart ive neglected for far too long… that are slowly awakening…
–
i read your blog today; and i realized then why you’d seemed so busy. you’ve found someone. and to be honest, i was jealous. not just that you’ve got a someone in your life… but because it was you. am i saying that i wish it were me? in a way… yeah. i am.
why? and more importantly, why didnt i say anything earlier? because you’re special. you’re an amazing woman and you deserve a man who knows exactly who he is, and what he wants… and most importantly, knows that youre exactly the one for him.
and im none of those things. one day, for one girl, i will be. buti knew, that for this period of time, my own feelings aside, i needed to step back and simply pray you’d find that man.
and now i pray you have.
i do pray you’ve found him. and, please, forgive my bit of jealousy. you’re an amazing girl. and there isnt anything more i want than for you to be happy. for you to find that guy, that one. and i hope you have:) i do.
–
there are times we need outside influences, outside circumstances to shake us awake. to bring us to the place where we realize something about ourselves, about our hearts. sometimes those moments bring utter wonder, as we realize how much we’ve changed, and grown. sometimes they bring a hush, and cause us to to listen to parts of who we are. parts that went silent a long time before. and sometimes they bring shock and revulsion, as we learn how quickly we can fall.
even with the lack of people in my life in texas, im learning my need for friendship. for leadership. for a dream. for a vision to follow. and for leaders who will push us towards that dream.
i pulled our college/career pastor (randy) aside sunday. id been to the 20something group at our church a few times already. and honestly, i wasnt captured.
i asked randy if we could get together sometime soon. i want to know what his passion is. what puts breath in his lungs. what gets him up in the morning. i want to know his passion for this group, for this generation. because im looking for something, a vision; and someone, a leader to get behind and push.
why? because part of me knows that the next few weeks/months may lead to many changes. someone once said, the hardest thing to do is sometimes the right thing to do. so when the changes come, i hope i welcome them with open arms.
this lifes not like you wanted it
his eyes, i can see again
i need you here
in your mind, nobodys listening
its your right, not to feel again
just breath again
feels like, your world is caving in
and i cry, failing to understand
i wish i can
its all right, if your missing him
in his eyes, you can live again
free within
time after time
i walk the fine line
something keeps brining me back
time after time
im going in blind
i dont know which way i need to go
time after time
i cant see the signs
do all these roads bring me back to you?
-POD
Going in Blind
you give me hope. you do. and i dont even think you realize it.
the above sentence could be written to any number of people in my life. and to that, a goal is forming in my heart; to publicly thank these precious people for the times, the ways in which they imparted hope into my soul. because most of the time, they didn’t even know they were doing it.
tonight however, this post is for you beth b.
you bring me hope. you do.
you’ve walked through the fire of relationships that didnt end in happily ever after and yet you chose to continue to trust, and to look for love.
you work your tail off at a job most people wouldn’t be able to handle, and now, you’re taking on even more. and yet still, you find time for those most important to you. you find time for love.
i know i cannot understand all of the ways in which someones heart has been broken, but i can say i know enough to understand that the past few years havent been easy on you. yet you still, you still let love in.
you give me hope. and you give me strength.
you chose to follow the One. when He asked for your heart, you gave it. and you’re all the better for it.
i know ive been on the sidelines for so much of the life your living… but if im constrained to the sidelines, it only means im supposed to cheer you on.
because the life your leading beth, is worth cheering for.
you’re not perfect, no one is. but you have an amazing person in your life. a person who loves you more than anything. and you love him just the same. you stand at the beginning of the most amazing voyage of your life and im so happy for you… because you’re doing it right.
you’re sticking to what you believe. and youre finding your happily ever after.
thank you.
because i question if happily ever after is really worth fighting for.
you answer that question, simply by the way you live. you give me hope.
i dont exactly know where this is headed. other than to say ive come across to many coincidences for this to be well, coincidence.
its september 10th. its been 5 years since the world shook. since my world began to crumble. and the road to texas started to form. 5 years of so many changes. of so much pain, and so much learning.
and to tell you the truth, in some ways, i miss the pain. the searing heat of knowing you were changing. of knowing that you had to survive. of knowing that this was it, this was your defining moment. this was the time in your life when you became the next phase of whoever you were going to be.
god knows i want that again. i want to move into whatever it is i am supposed to be. i want to feel the heat of the fire, see the dead in me burn in the flames, and see new growth rise from the ashes.
i want to lose sleep, be uncomfortable, look weird, act strange and be thought of as a freak from “normal” christians.
i want more of God. and i want to want Him even more. i dont want the highlight of my week to be something ‘fun’. i want encounters. i want revival, regeneration. i want passion and fire and hope and dreams and words of prophecy. i want life changing fire in my soul. and i want to want this more.
::deep sigh::
i spent a portion of today cleaning up the blog. beginning with the archives (oldest first) and working my way towards the present i hope to categorize, and in some cases repair the titles of my old postings. im not making any content changes. just cleaning up. sometime long ago i unfortunately lost the titles to a number of my postings from 2003-2004. its a bummer, but its actually blessing me as i know have to reread posts ive not read in years to try and title them again.
which brings me to my next point. lipstick. well, lipgloss to be more precise.
i found your lipstick earlier this week. covergirl 014b. “hint of pink”. it was in the pocket of a sportcoat ive not worn in a long time. one of the last times i wore it, i was at the country club, for a company dinner. with you.
maybe im seeing something here were there isnt anything other than random coincidences. but i felt the need to say something to you. heck, i dont even know if you read my blog anymore. but either way…
i miss you. i know, im shocked too. i honestly am. and im not saying “lets start talking” or anything like that, im simply admitting that you were a tremendous blessing in my life. a wonderful friend and yes, i do miss you.
i hope you’ve found happiness. i hope you’re learning daily how amazing the love of the Father is towards you. and i hope above all else, that you’re eyes remain steadfast on the One who will never leave you or forsake you. you deserve the best that this life has. and i pray you receive it.
september 11 is 4 minutes away. and for a lot of the nation, it will be a day of remembrance. a day full of moments of silence, of remembering and mourning for those lost. i can still remember what i ordered for lunch that day. and beyond that, i remember those whom i had lunch with.
may this week remind us that there is a time to remember and a time to mourn. and that death can come for anyone at anytime. but most importantly, may we be reminded of the things, the people both past and present, that made us alive. may we be reminded that there is still hope, that the One is still one the throne and may we always remember that life will rise from the ashes.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 