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i hope you find what you’re looking for. and i hope that someday, it’s me.
i’m not really sure why that’s the thought that’s running through my head tonight. aside from the fact that in a way, it encompasses my heart. it’s where i hope i’m at.
preparation. training. the beginning.
of what? i’m not sure. but i just know that this isn’t all. that this isn’t what it is, ‘just because’. that there is more to the chaos, a theme to the stories that are being written. a current of hope beneath the crashing of the waves.
because someday, i want to be that answer. i want to be that person that you’re chasing. i want to be that person that you’re looking for. and someday, i want you to be the person i chase. the person i’m looking for. that person that will….
life will never be predictable. it will never fit into nice little molds, or conform itself to the way we want it to be. but sometimes, we’re lucky enough to capture a glimpse of why we’re here. of why this is happening. and we realize that what we are going through is working in us something so much greater. something that will make this all worth while.
we realize that this cacophony of noise has a Conductor, and as we tune our ear and turn our hearts, the nosie fades and we begin to hear the sweet notes of a symphony. we see catch glimpses of the Conductor, directing, changing and calling out different sections; woodwinds, brass and strings. we slowly realize that our part in this symphony is much smaller than we first thought, and at the same time, so much more amazing than we ever dreamed. we realize that even when we feel the most alone, we’re not. and even when our heart breaks, that ours isn’t the only one. and that even when life is its most cruel, and the tears flow freely, that there is still melody in the pain. that there is healing, right where we’re at. and that it’s at the darkest parts of our lives that we come to realize that this Conductor knows exactly what He’s doing… and if we only hope…
we will see the dawn.
the road we’re called to walk is very rarely paved. almost without fail, we’re caught offguard by how rough it can be. we’re thrown a curveball. we find out that the husband of a coworker just died… a coworker who was your age. who has two little ones. or a conversation with a family member doesnt go well, and your eyes are opened to how bad things really are.
its in those moments we look even harder for a purpose. for a reason for this madness. for some semblance of hope amidst the chaos. some pattern that speaks of a plan, of a purpose. that speaks to the truth that this isnt all random. and that we’re not alone.
that im not alone.
and thats really where i find myself tonight. both knowing, and hoping, that i wont be alone.
i’m waiting. waiting for whats next. hoping, that ive done what i needed to do. that ive taken the steps to become the man im supposed to be. hoping that ive found this healing, and that it is real. that it sticks, that i continue to heal. hoping that i wont give up. and that the changes im seeing, are forever changes.
because in all honesty, that’s the life i want to live. a forever life. a life that knows its not any more important than it actually is. a life that knows its here to serve, to love, and to find meaning in all of this.
a life that proclaims, and points, to purpose. to hope. a life that finds its purpose in the Author of my story…. and i honestly truly hope that this story finds itself intertwined with another.
but throughout this week ive been reminded that this hope, this desire for another, cannot ever be my goal. because whomever she is, she will not complete me. and i will never be completeness to her.
unless i find my entirety, my being, my self worth and unconditional love at the foot of the cross of the Author of my story, i will never be complete. and i will never be the man i need to be. my story will never be filled with the passion, the compassion, the joy and fire and vivacity i so yearn to see, unless i continually allow the author to have his way. i will never experience the love i so long to give, unless i find it first in Him. the canvas of my life will never be filled with the colors in my heart, i do not have the ability to bring them out. not in and of myself. but He does. the Author does. and it is there i will find life. i will find love. and i will find hope.
i still hold the belief
that we are free
that we don’t need the rules to see
that despite what we’ve done
we’re not alone
we’re closer than we think to home
my eyes still search for a purpose. they still hunger for more. they still do not rest without first looking up expectantly. i cannot go to sleep each night without first finding the moon and straining against the artificial, to see the stars…. to find true light.
i believe that yearning is only a mirrored reflection of what is truly going on inside of me. inside of you. inside of us all.
the search for beauty.
its all around us. promised in movies, magazines and tv. its spewed like gospel from the perfect mouths of millionaire spokes models. its preached from every marketplace- beauty, completeness, the hole-filling substance that will make you feel complete, whole.
products, marketing, consumerism, all predicated on the ingrained belief that you are not good enough. that i am not good enough. that we, no one, is good enough. and we never will be. not without this new thing, or that new product, or those ten new techniques. not without this amazing new ______ or that newly reformulated creme. we’re never good enough. but if you spent enough, bought enough, try hard enough, we will be. or so we’re told.
our lives become full of stuff. cluttered, artificial. we spend our days working hard for a paycheck. and we spend our nights and weekends hunting for that next fix, that next thing to complete us. to fill that aching void. we dance the dance of window shoppers. always looking, hoping, never truly finding satisfaction. never truly finding that one thing that completes us. that fills that hole.
we try, we burn ourselves out attempting to be good enough, to fit in. to have or act or say or wear whatever the right things are. all because deep down, we know we are faulty, broken, failed attempts at humanity searching for something with depth, for some form of truth. something that justifies our existence. that tells us our dreams for more, and our constant disappointment each time we find new ‘stuff’, isnt wrong. something that tells us that there is more. that life is out there, calling. that it aches for us to live it as much as we ache to taste true life, true freedom… to taste – truth.
we’re so afraid to show our true selves that we bury it; underneath our jobs or friends, beneath the veneer of wealth, skill or beauty. we hide behind our desks or our hobbies, our religion and our beliefs.
we do all that, fully knowing but never truly grasping that we are all broken, faulty, damaged beings. that we all remember the taste of hopelessness and the emptiness of knowing that we will never be capable of creating the beauty we so long to see.
we know, we just know we will never find what we’re looking for in the mall. but we keep looking anyway.
and you see this. if you dont yet, you will. go to the mall next friday night, find someplace busy and just watch. watch people. you’ll see the anorexic, the drunkard… you’ll see the girl so wanting to be loved she allows herself to be used. you’ll see the kids who’s parents dont care and the adults who’s parents never cared.
they… we… always fearing, always hoping that one day someone will see us. the real us. see through the gloss and find true beauty. the beauty we all hope exists inside of us. we all hope, but we’ve never been brave enough to risk showing it.
we always hope that someone would recognize the value in us, see that beauty, see beyond our brokenness and offer unmerited, unearned and wholly unconditional love.
(Delirious – Find Me In The River)
so what comes next? what happens after this? will i continually be content with the safety of the now? or will i strike out on my own? strike out into unknown, uncharted territories? will i move into something i’ve always wanted, but always talked myself out of?
somehow, i’ve convinced myself that everything i was ever shown, all i ever knew, everything my dad ever said – either with his words and actions, or by what was never spoken, and never shown – that it’s all true. that im somehow damaged, and incomplete. that i was never expected to amount to a whole lot. that im destined to walk the same path he did.
i walk around like there is a huge shadow that follows me, weighing me down. the shadow of failures not my own. of questions that never cease to swirl through my mind. i feel like i never had a chance to become me. that, by the time i had an idea of who that was supposed to be, the world changed, and to survive, i needed to change with it. and now im left with the questions, the wondering, trying to figure out what i’m supposed to do. what this calling is supposed to look like. i know – so many questions, and i seem to only run in circles.
im slowly learning that the answers will come. that even in the moments when im stuck on the hillside, or the bottom of a dry river bed… seemingly not moving at all, that those moments were destined too. im learning that my destiny is formed as much in the small insignificant moments, as it is in the huge momentous, mountain-top experiences. im learning that life is found in the little things. in the words of a friend. or the in the smile of a beautiful girl. in the red sunrises, or moonlight nights. in the text from someone who cares, or an old friendship that has reconnected.
life is made of the decisions i make each day.
and if what i want, is to be the type of man that an amazing woman can fall in love with, then i’ve got a long way to go. i need to find a way to walk from underneath my fathers shadow. to know deep down that his choices do not control my destiny. that i’m not him, and never will be.
as much as i wish that life was filled with mountain-top moments, moments of victory and passion… more often then not, life is filled with pain. with more moments in a dry riverbed, then on the lush mountain top.
and if i was honest with you, you’d know that ive been running. from my fears, from this God who wants to be my Father. from the shadow of a destiny that isnt even mine.
i cant run any longer. not if i want to see these dreams, these passions and this hope, come to fruition.
we didnt count on suffering
we didnt count on pain
but if the blessings in the valley
then in the river i will wait
find me in the river
find me there
find me on my knees
with my soul laid bare
even though you’re gone
and i’m cracked and dry
find me in the river
i’m waiting here
for you
so much i could say. so much swirls at my feet. so many questions.
but this is all that matters.
Celtic Bridge – Be Thou My Vision
be thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart
be all else but naught to me, save that thou art
be thou my best thought in the day and the night
both waking and sleeping, thy presence my light
be thou my wisdom, be thou my true word
be thou ever with me, and I with thee Lord
be thou my great Father, and I thy true son
be thou in me dwelling, and I with thee one
be thou my breastplate, my sword for the fight
be thou my whole armor, be thou my true might
be thou my soul’s shelter, be thou my strong tower
O raise thou me heavenward, great Power of my power
riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise
be thou mine inheritance now and always
be thou and thou only the first in my heart
O Sovereign of heaven, my treasure thou art
High King of heaven, thou heaven’s bright sun
O grant me its joys after victory is won
great Heart of my own heart, whatever befall
still be thou my vision, O Ruler of all
i was going to write about romance, about what my heart yearns for. about finding that one special girl who’s hand will fit perfectly in mine. that girl who will completely rock my world, cause me to question everything, and holds the dreams of my future in her eyes.
but ive been derailed.
i was going to write about being 28, and single. about not knowing if i would ever find her. about questioning if ‘waiting’ was worth it.
but i was reminded of the bigger picture. and that there is a wonderous cross… blood stained, splintered, blessed because of Who gave their life on it. and that He gave His life because He loved me.
i’m reminded that i needed it, and that i need it. every day, every moment. that without this wonderous cross, i am nothing. and it’s because of His sacrifice, that i am able to offer love to someone else. it’s his love in my heart, that allows me to love beyond myself. that beckons me to seek out those who hurt, and offer hope.
and that quitely whispers ‘…there is more…’
i dont have the answers, and my heart still yearns to love that…. one. but i know the One who’s wings hold up the sky. and until i find her, i will do all i can to be the man i am supposed to be. to keep the Cross at the center of my life. to love with all i am, and to follow Him. wherever He leads.
Showbread – The Beginning (hover over for a pop-up player)
lyrics
I used to dream that I could fly,
just above the whispered clouds, beneath the somber sky.
I had a dream I was alive,
I dreamt that love would never die. (goodbye)
Dreams were cheap and hope was easy…(so light),
the forgeries of life deceiving…(so bright),
and as I glided to the ground…(so long),
calcified, the concrete weighed me down… (cruel world).
Your wings are holding up the sky,
dear God, I had a dream that I could fly.
Alkaline the burning frost, has blistered deep beneath my bones,
And winter spat its hatred, cold and coiled, black and deep,
as it called me ever further, where evil burns and never sleeps.
I once had prayers that found no words, fragile things I’ve never spoken,
through my lips passed eulogies for all the oaths that I have broken.
And still the ghost of hope was haunting, through the dark to save the living,
and still beneath it all I dreamed that God could be forgiving.
Your wings are holding up the sky,
dear God, I had a dream that I could fly.
When I survey the wondrous cross On which the Prince of glory died, My richest gain I count but loss, And pour contempt on all my pride.
I am the worst of all things here,
my crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear.
And each and every sparrow,
You see them flutter to the ground before they die,
So please God don’t forget me.
See from His head, His hands, His feet, Sorrow and love flow mingled down! Did e’er such love and sorrow meet, Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
To Christ, who won for sinners grace By bitter grief and anguish sore, Be praise from all the ransomed race Forever and forevermore!
when you come to the end of your rope, when you realize that all you have left is all that has been since the beginning; you realize that all you have left, is all that you need.
my grace is sufficient….
we will never truly understand those words until they are put to test in our lives. until our hearts ache, until our actions betray our beliefs, until our wounds bleed and until our world changes.
my grace is sufficient….
when that moment comes, and everything else we rely on is gone, we must reach out to Him. to lean on His grace. and to learn that
my grace is sufficient….
part of me wants to run and hide and not say whats on my heart…. but my heart wont let me. and for tonight, i think i’ll let my heart win.
im realizing that so much this thing called love is far removed from romantic dinners, evenings at the movies, or coffee and conversation…. and so much closer to a broken, imperfect, blemished, failure of a human…. asking for someone to love him or her.
i’m not trying to be down on myself here… but if i’m honest, thats what i am. and actually, thats what you are. broken. pieces of our experiences woven together, held in place… by grace.
–
what do i want out of a relationship? do i want kids? what kind of house? do i want off white or pure white napkins at the reception? none of it matters…
my memories wont be filled with the bouquet she threw, or the china we picked out. my memories will be filled with her scent and the way the morning sun makes her hair sparkle.
my memories will have nothing to do with the minivan, or the house we live in, the jobs we have or how successful i am.
but with her eyes and her smile. and how her eyes glow when she smiles. that she loves tomatoes in her salad and will happily eat mine, because i don’t. that she hates the toilet paper coming from the underside of the roll…
and that she is beautiful, even when she is certain she isn’t.
and the fact that she loves me. and that i love her.
these are the things i will remember
–
i dont know who you are… but i’m here. broken, imperfect, blemished…. and in so many ways, a failure of a man. im pieces, held together by grace.
but i will let you eat my tomatoes.
–
love is walking on water, while the storm rages all around. and its knowing that if you begin to fall, someone will be there to catch you.
there are moments in life when we know that something bigger than us, has reached out and in some way, changed our lives. moments when we know that our little lives have been brushed by a beauty we do not understand. with something beyond what we currently know. and although we dont understand it, we instinctively respect and honor it.
maybe it was the first time you saw a couple really in love… and even though it escaped your 10 year old minds ability to comprehend, you knew it was special. and somehow, you knew that someday, you would want that too.
or maybe it was a glimpse into someones future. someone who’s life you’d only have a small part of, but you just knew that this life would be great.
maybe it was at a concert, and hearing a then-unknown artist bare their soul on the stage, you just knew that this time next year, success would rain down upon this person.
whatever it was, you knew you had been touched by greatness. and even if you couldnt comprehend all of it, you knew it was wonderful. you knew it was bigger than you ever could hope to be, and you knew that just being there…. was something to be cherished.
nearly 9 years ago, i was touched by such a greatness. and even though i didnt know how long this person would be in my life, or where it would lead, i knew it was special. and i knew that i’d been given a gift, something… someone to cherish. even if only for a time.
and its this person, this time in history, this reason that i write tonight.
because in a little more than 2 months…. this person gets married.
—
late one night almost 9 years ago, when you rounded the corner in the mall as we were both Christmas shopping, i knew i had stumbled into greatness. into something beyond my comprehension. and even though i didnt fully comprehend it at the time, and probably dont now, i knew it was to be cherished. i knew you were to be cherished.
we all have our roles to play in the lives of those we know and love. and as life goes on, our roles change…. people come, and people go.
it wasnt long after that moment in the mall, that i found myself giving, surrendering you back to your Heavenly Father. i knew you weren’t mine to have. and i knew, i just absolutely knew, that i was only there as a steward. that my calling, my role, was to love and support.
i cannot say i was near perfect, but i knew that you were being saved for the man of your dreams. and i am so incredibly blessed, honored and thankful to know that you’ve found him.
i’m sorry i may not make your wedding, my sisters graduation is the same weekend. but please know i’ll be there in spirit. and the tears that fall will be tears of joy.
why? because i was brushed by greatness… and i am better for it.
someday, i hope to find what you have, and write a story of my own… but for now, jenna marie – go! find out what this thing called love is all about. make babies, throw pots, paint, travel, see the world and live your life to the absolute fullest. because you are destined to do just that. you are destined to greatness.
i just came from seeing the Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.
and i cannot give up. if anything, thats what i walked away from. i dont care if it kills me to find it, there is something worth fighting for.
i was chosen to walk this path. to live, here, now. and i dont know why. because it all honesty, it hurts. but ive come to far. ive followed this path for too long. going back isnt whats next. its not.
there is someone. out there. who i was supposed to meet. to fall for. and to spend the rest of my life with. and i cannot promise a ton, but i promise to love you with every fiber of who i am. i promise to apologize when im wrong. i promise to puruse, and to fight for you. and i pray to be humble enough to be the man i need to be.
and although i feel so out of place, so much like im searching for that place to call home….
im going to cry out. and hope and pray that my heavenly father hears me. because i cannot do this anymore. not alone. not like this. i dont want to be alone.
i’m crying out… and im not going to give up. please, show me the way. show me the path. show me where i fit, where i can find home.
not every post leaves me in tears, but this one did. because i dont know how else to say it. i need You.
This Is Home
-Switchfoot
I’ve got my memories
They’re always
Inside of me
But I can’t go back
Back to how it was
I believe now
I’ve come too far
No I can’t go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I’ve never known
Chorus:
This is home
Now I’m finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I’ve been searching
For a place of my own
Now I’ve found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home
Belief over misery
I’ve seen the enemy
And I won’t go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
I got my eyes wide
It’s not over yet
We are miracles
And we’re not alone
(Chorus)
And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I’m gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I’m gonna call it home
(Chorus)
Now I know
Yeah, this is home
I’ve come too far
Now I won’t go back
This is home
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 