Category Archive

when peter was called out onto the water – there was a definitive calling. a definitive moment of decision. a moment when peter had to put aside the laws of physics and simply trust. but it was there. a calling, an invitation, a split second in time. a life altering moment.

peter would have been foolish to have just leapt overboard whenever he felt like it. he didnt though. he didnt leap until he saw. he saw the maker of promises walking on water. he saw the calling on his life confirmed and in that moment his life was altered. he stepped out of the boat – and his true calling began.

up to that point, he was only a disciple. and yet moments later, God had a son that He knew He could leave to tend his sheep.

but it wasnt until peter saw. it wasnt until he heard the invitation. it wasnt until that moment.

and he wasnt ever the same.

where am i going here? i’m not sure. i just feel so much like im waiting for that calling. that call to step out of the boat. a vision to follow. a moment in time that changes everything else.

so hear i am Lord. on the boat. listening for the call.

i dont ever want to be the same.

i think i’ve spent a good portion of the past few weeks running.  filling my days with work, and household stuff, and other ‘really important’ things.

when you grow up without a father who actually played the role of one worthy to be called ‘dad’, you’re view of the Heavenly Father becomes skewed.  you learn mistrust more than you do trust.  and to fear authority, rather than rest in the truth that its there for a reason.  you learn to be ‘ok’ on your own, instead of resting in the simple knowing that ‘dad’ would never leave.and ive been running from that.  from dealing with that.  from even admitting its happened.  but it has.  its there every time i try to worship.  every time i open my bible.  every time i go to pray…. its there.

moses didnt really have a ‘dad’ during the most important years in his life.  early in his life he found himself an outcast.  he went from next-in-line to the throne of the greatest kingdom on earth, to an enemy of that kingdom.  and for the next 40 years he wandered.  but it was during that wandering that the call was birthed in him.  he learned how to be a shepherd.  he didnt have a father, but even during that time, he was being fathered.

and maybe thats where i find myself tonight.  tending my own little world in the desert.  and honestly, feeling alone.  im learning that life isnt always what we expect it to be.  that joy can be found even in the midst of the mundane.  and that pain is sometimes God’s way of letting you know that He’s not quite done yet.
moses knew he was called.  he knew he had a purpose.  that destiny was birthed in him.  he knew that there was something specific he was created to do…. and even in his years in the wildness, even in the midst of circumstances that never remotely resembled the calling he knew he had… he never gave up.  the dream was in him.

what he may not have realized, was that this wilderness was his training… his proving grounds.  this is where moses was fathered.  so he could be a father to a hurting nation.  this was where moses learned the heart of a saviour, so he could communicate that heart to a people starving for love.

sometimes it takes moments like this, with just the sounds of a piano playing, to remind us that there is a God.  and that He is intimately familiar with our circumstances.  that no matter our drug of choice, no matter whatever we use to dull the ache, that He is still there.  waiting, willing, and more than able to take that ache away.  to awaken us to real, full life.

moses found his calling – while in the wilderness.

i pray i dont miss mine.

i stood outside carey dorm last night. only minutes from leaving my two ‘little’ sisters at school. for the first time. ever.

carey is a girls dorm, and as it was almost 10pm, guys were not allowed inside. so we men stood outside and waited. i ended up chatting with a father who was waiting for both wife and daughter. they were from ohio and this was their first time actually seeing the campus. as we chatted, he mentioned that i didnt look old enough to be a dad, i told him i was the older brother, he smiled and we moved on.

somehow, during the course of the 2 minute conversation, i mentioned how much i felt that this was so very much the next chapter in both of my sisters lives. how the past 6 years had been rough, how dad had left etc… i wasnt looking for pity, or acceptance, or acknowledgment… i was simply sharing, on a very surface level, an extremely brief snippet of what life had been like.

and then he thanked me, for standing in the gap.

the truth is, i would never have chosen to do this. i dont feel worthy, or capable of that call. i would never have chosen to be the only male of my family seeing both of my sisters off as freshman. entering into the next phase of the awesome life God has in store for them.

in a perfect world, my father would have been there. but he wasnt, i was.

and the truth is, i dont honestly feel that i am standing in the gap. maybe because i always thought that someone who stood in the gap was supposed to know they were capable of that calling. they were supposed to be certain of their abilities, and their strengths. and, in a way, were supposed to repair and repay what had – for so long – been stolen.

and maybe, in a way, thats the actual truth. i dont have the ability to repair or repay. but we serve a God who promised to do just that.

maybe, im not the one standing in the gap. He is. and maybe He always has been. Fathering them. Fathering us. Fathering me.

im not perfect. far from it. but as i stood there, i knew that moment was special. i knew that it would never be relived. i knew that the night previous, was probably the last night we spend all living in the same house. and somehow, it was all ok.

im learning that hope and surrender come hand in hand. and if one truly wants to find hope, they will -always- find the call to surrender.

i realized in that moment that hope was being birthed. that in the midst of tears, and the memories of the past… wings were stretching… visions were being raised, and my sisters were beginning to fly.

and the call to surrender was there. as it is here now. calling me, to let them go. to let the Father who has always been there, always be there. because i wont be. i cant be. i will try, but i cannot promise. but He can. and the thing is, He did. He promised.

so its with that promise, that i do surrender.

sarah and beth, may you find yourselves lost in who Christ is, in all of His love for you, and in the hope of a future assured. a future, certain. a future that is bright and amazing and beautiful.

go.

run.

be free.

and live life.

i love you.

Lord you have my heart
and i will search for yours
Jesus take my life and lead me on

Father, i need to see you.  i need to hear you.  and i need your direction.  life is so much more precious than i treat it.  and i need your help to act in a way worthy of how much you’ve given me. i need to know what to do.