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i dont exactly know where this is headed. other than to say ive come across to many coincidences for this to be well, coincidence.
its september 10th. its been 5 years since the world shook. since my world began to crumble. and the road to texas started to form. 5 years of so many changes. of so much pain, and so much learning.
and to tell you the truth, in some ways, i miss the pain. the searing heat of knowing you were changing. of knowing that you had to survive. of knowing that this was it, this was your defining moment. this was the time in your life when you became the next phase of whoever you were going to be.
god knows i want that again. i want to move into whatever it is i am supposed to be. i want to feel the heat of the fire, see the dead in me burn in the flames, and see new growth rise from the ashes.
i want to lose sleep, be uncomfortable, look weird, act strange and be thought of as a freak from “normal” christians.
i want more of God. and i want to want Him even more. i dont want the highlight of my week to be something ‘fun’. i want encounters. i want revival, regeneration. i want passion and fire and hope and dreams and words of prophecy. i want life changing fire in my soul. and i want to want this more.
::deep sigh::
i spent a portion of today cleaning up the blog. beginning with the archives (oldest first) and working my way towards the present i hope to categorize, and in some cases repair the titles of my old postings. im not making any content changes. just cleaning up. sometime long ago i unfortunately lost the titles to a number of my postings from 2003-2004. its a bummer, but its actually blessing me as i know have to reread posts ive not read in years to try and title them again.
which brings me to my next point. lipstick. well, lipgloss to be more precise.
i found your lipstick earlier this week. covergirl 014b. “hint of pink”. it was in the pocket of a sportcoat ive not worn in a long time. one of the last times i wore it, i was at the country club, for a company dinner. with you.
maybe im seeing something here were there isnt anything other than random coincidences. but i felt the need to say something to you. heck, i dont even know if you read my blog anymore. but either way…
i miss you. i know, im shocked too. i honestly am. and im not saying “lets start talking” or anything like that, im simply admitting that you were a tremendous blessing in my life. a wonderful friend and yes, i do miss you.
i hope you’ve found happiness. i hope you’re learning daily how amazing the love of the Father is towards you. and i hope above all else, that you’re eyes remain steadfast on the One who will never leave you or forsake you. you deserve the best that this life has. and i pray you receive it.
september 11 is 4 minutes away. and for a lot of the nation, it will be a day of remembrance. a day full of moments of silence, of remembering and mourning for those lost. i can still remember what i ordered for lunch that day. and beyond that, i remember those whom i had lunch with.
may this week remind us that there is a time to remember and a time to mourn. and that death can come for anyone at anytime. but most importantly, may we be reminded of the things, the people both past and present, that made us alive. may we be reminded that there is still hope, that the One is still one the throne and may we always remember that life will rise from the ashes.
ever have one of those moments where you know you have something brewing inside of you and you just cant get it out? just not yet?
this is one of those moments.
—-
there are times in our lives when we are sure of only weaknesses. when all we know is the utter failure we brought upon ourselves. and during those times we cry out and pray, we hope and dream of a time when the “rest of our lives” finally arrives and we can move beyond the bleak gray-ness of knowing nothing but our own failures, faults and shortcomings.
but then we get to the otherside. and if we dont hold close to that feeling of inadequacy, we lose our way. we lose the dreams that were burned so deeply into our core during the times when all we could do was dream. we get caught up, distracted in the day to day. the job. the menial work that fills the time between moments of real life. our dreams are brushed aside by meetings, deadlines, excel spreadsheets and venti white mochas.
we lose the clarity we had in the storm. we lose ourselves in our own security.
i hear this voice inside of me. crying out. i know that this voice is screaming for all its worth, but i only hear a whisper. and that scares me. its crying out for me to continue to push into real life. to lay aside the spreadsheets and deadlines, and even if just for a moment… dream. daring me to open my eyes and imagine that there is more to this life than matching sox and nice dress pants. more than getting to work on time and annual reviews.
this voice is calling me to remember the dark times. to remember the times when all we had were dreams. when life was hard, it hurt to breathe and all you wanted was to get through this hell, all you wanted was to see the light at the end of a tunnel.
its calling me to remember something i dont want to remember. that it was during those times, those times when your heart simply hurts… that you’re most alive. because its at those times that you havent the strength to put up any fight. you cannot hold up a facade, you cannot pretend everything is ok, you cannot get lost in formulas, spreadsheets or the joys of the 8 to 5. its during those times, when all you can do is survive, that you realize God is all He says He is.
and you walk away from that realization terrified. you promise to never forget that He is infinitely huge and you are infinitesimally small. He is everything and you are nothing. you promise to always remember that.
this voice is asking me to remember what ive forgotten. that there is more to this life. that there is more to my life. that there is a calling on me that cannot be revoked. and if it takes all i am, i need to see that fulfilled. if it means losing all i have, to find who i am supposed to be. then so be it
and i will live…
and know some destiny
still waits for me
i know i promised more from my weekend. and i guess this is going to be my attempt at doing just that.
there were so many things i could mention. so many instances of His hand moving, moments where clarity was obvious, where kairos was an understatement. moments where His love was evident and His truth was made clear…
moments i laughed, moments i felt joy, moments i felt pain the sadness of loss. moments of making new memories, and moments of -for the first time- allowing myself to feel the pain of remembering.
moments of fellowship, of grace, and of seeing my friends in a whole new light. moments of true life were scattered throughout the weekend.
but there is one specific moment i want to focus on. and for most of you, it may not matter, but it does for me.
as my head hit the pillow saturday night, happily crashing in the spare bedroom of a friends parents house, a prayer escaped my lips.
“lord, my mom deserves a house like this. a house to call a home. a house she can decorate, put up knick-knacks and have an office. a house she can paint, and renovate, and decorate and make her own. a house she deserves. lord, please help us find the place you want us to call home….”
and something hit me. thats what He wants for us. thats His desire for the hearts of His children.
that we’d allow Him to come in, decorate, renovate and put up knick knacks. that we’d allow Him to make our hearts, His home. and thats what i want. so badly.
i sit here with tears in my eyes. knowing full well that 6 months ago i would have never admitted some of this. but it is what i want.
i want to hear His voice clearly. i want to see His thumbprint in the areas of my heart where i know none exists. i want to be the type of person who can offer his heart to this One who promises to make it only better.
and i want to be able to provide a house for my mom. a house to put up decorations, pictures and knick-knacks. a house my mom can call home.
and i want to have a heart, and a home, that one day maybe someone else will share. with me. for the rest of our lives.
when battle lines become unclear
and the waging war is all i hear
Lord sustain me with Your voice
and the choice to walk in truth
to see the Lord, the promised land
where in those sins pearly gates look bland
and what was once a pearl now sand
that blows away, in light of Him
that i might see this day
this waging war
might go away and be no more
that i might see His face
and hear Him say
Son, welcome home
the war is over
i cant force it. as much as i want to, what i want to see accomplished in my life will take time.
no poetry God, just me. asking for brokeness. i want a heart that beats hard after You, so break it. if that is what it is going to take, to make it one that follows You.
‘Be quiet. Put your hand on your chest. Feel your beating heart. You are alive. ……….live.’ – David Crowder
i came back from florida (AWESOME time) less than a week ago. and i will be travelling internationally for work on tuesday. i’ll be in london ontario for anywhere from 2-6 weeks:)
yeah. im exhausted. and scared.
i want so much for the changes that began in me to continue. to grow. to come to the place of completion in every area of my life. i want a new heart. i want a soft heart. i want a heart that cries when He cries, sees what He sees and loves the way He loves.
ill admit it, i have no clue how to be the man i’ve been called to be. there is no handbook for a 20something male without a father. there isnt. it doesnt exist. and for so long i used that as an excuse. something to hide behind instead of something to overcome. well, this is me. i do not know what the next step is. and i have absolutely no idea what the final product is going to look like. and honestly, i am not even sure of the ultimate goal.
but i am going to fight with all i am to find out.
Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”
-mary anne radmacher
“ones worst enemy is someone who has nothing to lose”
i used to think that this statement was one created to bring dread. meant to almost warn us about meeting someone with nothing to lose. as if they’d become our worst enemy. now im realizing something different.
im realizing that Christ fought for us. He lost everything. and He had to, to be able to fight and walk out the victor. He laid down everything, knowing full well that there was no guarentee of victory in every situation. knowing that not all those He went to battle for, would return His love. and yet He went anyway.
im realizing that one of the highest possible callings on a mans life, is to be called to love a woman. and im realizing that part of this calling, will be the need to fight. to fight for her. to protect her. in every way.
maybe im being premature in even mentioning that this has been stirring in my heart. but i know, that in so many ways, change has begun. and whatever happens, i do not want to stop changing. and should the call come, i want to be ready. ready to fight.
my prayer, should the call ever come, would be that i am found worthy. and until that time, that my heart would not get in the way of laying down at the foot of the Cross, whomever this person is.
someone once said that it was worth it, to know our Maker. and if it takes losing all i am and all i could ever be, to get to the point i need to be; to be capable of being called, then so be it.
i dont want to live in fear anymore.
not if it means i cannot love, and be loved in return.
and if that means feeling the hurts ive refused to feel, and walking the roads ive not wanted to walk… if that means that i need to confront the chasms in my own heart/soul, then so be it.
i need love. and i need to love.
there are times in our lives when we must face inner demons. when we must look the pain we hide, underneath the well placed veneers of self assurance and happieness, directly in its face. its during those times when our facades are ripped away and who we really are, the unlovely, ugly us is laid bare. we wake up one morning to realizie the depth of what we’re dealing with, and the blackness we see inside us, shocks us.
its at those times when all pretense of what life is supposed to be is left behind. and we learn that we either fight or fail. its all or nothing. not to be cliche-ish, but its do or die time. literally. we either face the blackness inside, or we slowly die freefalling into it.
sometimes this dealing means airing our dirty laundry, and letting others see that life in our little world is nowhere near perfect. that no, life isnt great and you’re scarred, and scared. and all you want to know is that it really is, one day, going to be ok.
and other times, this dealing will find you alone. encircled by the wonder of creation. the warmth of the ocean breeze, the cool of the sand and the crashing waves. and we slowly realize that this creation we so often overlook is the very message by which this One is telling us things are going to be ok. the sand, the surf, the breeze. they are constant. they are change.
their very consistency is based on the fact that they cannot stop changing. they exist in a state of constant change, of constant flux. they will never rest, they will never be still, they exist because and by the very forces that command them to change.
and in the midst of this change, we realize that the lives of the followers of the One will almost always reflect this constant. change. we will never be exactly who we are destined to be. all our hopes, fears and dreams; if from the One we follow, will always be bigger than us. and if we step up and follow the call, we will forever live our lives in this constant. change.
and if thats the case, then so be it.
for the surf, the sand, the breeze may constantly be changing, but remove just one of the three – and the ability of constant change – stops. the breeze creates the surf which in turn changes the sand. the sand gives the surf its voice, without the sand, there would be no noticable waves, and the sounds inside the ocean would be silenced.
im waxing poetic, but you get the idea.
they must coexist in constant change.
the past few days have been rough for me. and to those in my life whom that may have impacted, i do apologize. contstant change is not an easy place to be. but most importantly, i need to thank you.
thank you for being my surf, my sand and my breeze.
its amazing.
how much this hurts.
honestly. and im not sure why. maybe its because ive simply ignored this part of my life for so long. ive been, ‘unhonest’ with myself. ive simply brushed this under the rug for so long.
simply trying to forget. trying to move on. trying to pretend that the lump under the carpet kept growing. rearraging furniture to cover it.
…..
what is wrong with me? why is it so hard here to fit in? what about me, makes living in texas a so ‘non-fit’. its like trying to squeeze into pants you wore in 6th grade. or wearing someone elses broken-in shoes. it just doesnt work.
i can pretend, and for so long… thats what ive been doing. pretending. throwing myself into work. throwing myself into everything i possibly can to simply forget, ignore and distract myself from the growing ache inside of me.
12 hours at work on monday. why? well – it was needed. but its not like i had anything specific to rush home too. i didnt have plans to go out. you know, or a date. coffee. a trip to staples. anything.
ive met people. of course. but you know what i realized? i dont want friends to ‘go hang out with’. i want gut level honesty, i want passion, i want love, i want to laugh and dance and cry and hurt and be real.
i want love. more than anything else…
i. want. love.
for so long, ive felt like a blind man in the land of the seeing. a slave in the land of the free. a freak, in the land of the norm.
and for so long ive fought that off. trust me… when the weekend comes and you’ve really got nothing planned but cleaning, you learn to find things to clean. you’d be amazed how much one can clean, when all ones energies are focused on running towards cleaning and running from the void in your life.
i know that a lot of this has to do with my misaligned focus. i know that ive spent a good part of this most recent past running. from my pain. from hurt. from God.
ive been running from the very one who promises me the very thing i crave. the very substance that i need. the very blood that flows through the veins of real, gut level life. im running from a God who is love.
i must be certifiable. crazy. a complete wacko. and an utter failure in this love thing.
and im absolutely terrified of letting ANYONE get close. that includes you, God. it does. im absolutely terrified of letting you get close. of letting you see the real me. of dropping my barriers, of losing the smile and just being honest with you. im afraid that if i do, if i climb over the walls surrounding my heart, that ill simply be hurt again. that You’ll see how scarred and filthy my heart is… and you’ll leave.
i hate the fact that my ability to trust is directly linked to my personal expierences. i hate that i wont allow myself to trust because of what ive gone through.
im drowing… in a pool…. inches from safety. im simply terrified of getting out of the pool, onto dry land, and letting down my guard.
i can control whats in the pool. i, im “safe” here. and if it means i die treading water, then so be it. because at least im “safe”. right? i mean, im safe. arent i?
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 