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i am in need.
i dont know of what.
but i do know that when Jesus met the blind man in John 9, the blind man didnt even realize he needed to be healed till Jesus met him…
i pray that that is me.
sometimes it takes all we have to simply love someone the way we’re called too.one of the hardest things to do in this world is to love someone….. from afar. knowing full well that your love may never… ever be reciprocated. knowing that your calling in their life may be for nothing more than to love from a distance. never able to fully express how much you love them… or how much…. how desperate you are, to simply share all you are with them…
its a pain that can’t be described… its an ache deep in your soul. that will never be quenched. its the deepest longings of the heart…
that are left unfulfilled.
so maybe i havent given up yet… but im beginning to ask myself if its time to move on.
im begining to question wether or not im stuck in my own little dream-bubble. hoping -against all hope- that my dream would come true…
and restoration will come.
i dont know.
im searching. i know of no other term to use….
i dont know what to do… and im desperate for guidance…
ive been wondering over the course of the past 3 weeks… if im getting a small glimpse of what the Father feels towards his children… when He cant fully express His love…
im not sure…
all i know to do…
Lord help… help me please.
not ashamed to be helpless hiding at the feet of the Lamb who died
and made a way where there was no way
don’t care if they call me crazy
i need You like the air im breathing
and wherever You are i never will be far away
every now and then, one must recognize someone who has spoken words into there life…. and simply say thank you.
thank you for the words below. thank you for the friendship.
raw emotions are a rare and coveted thing. thank you for the brutal honesty of your heart… showing the rest of us, that our hearts haven’t really been beating at all….. so many of us have not really been living, understanding, accepting, fighting, acknowledging the fight that life is worth… thank you for the simplistic truth of living a life that is truly felt and experienced to the fullest…… isn’t that why Christ said that he came? that we might have life abundantly. congratulations to you, for not letting go and taking the wild chance at living life abundantly. see, so many have misunderstood abundantly for “easy” or “perfect w/ no hardships”…. thank you for having the grace to find out what “life abundantly” truly is, thank you for your courage… thank you for showing me.
Only once I heard my pastor’s words did I realize that this place of awareness was exactly where God wanted me. God wanted me to feel helpless in what I could do. He wanted me to feel completely out of control of all the events I thought I was controlling. When God got me to that place, that is when I felt complete peace in what was happening.
my thoughts for the mid-way point of this morning. copied from www.releavantmagazine.com
our mistakes, though many in number.. will be washed whiter than snow. and peace comes when we choose to trust, and let go.
Grace…
grace and peace. my hearts cry for this day.
and get this – in case you couldnt tell… my heart is much more at rest than it was earlier this morning… and last nite.
i may not be in control… and i may not like it. But i know the One who is. and im trying to be more like Him.
this life i live will never be perfect. but i hope and pray that through it all, His light will shine. for you see, without Him i am nothing. but with Him…. i have all things.
im learning more about it each day.
im going to leave tonites post title-less. for now anyway.
but in honor of an anniversary id rather not remember, im going to re-blog this message i originally posted back on may 29 2002. the day im reference below would have been memorial day 2002.
—–
rest. it comes to those who ask for it. if they do what it takes to step into it. no deep thoughts. no earth-shattering revelations. newsflash tho i have a reason to live. a few of them actually. 24 hours ago i was reminded of them. 48 hours ago… i was about to give up. but i have a reason. 2 of them actually. they live in ft. worth and they’re slightly younger and more beautiful than i am. well… slightly younger and much more beautiful. they are the reason i keep going. they are the ‘pot at the end of the rainbow’. they are the reason i continue on in this life i think im living….. they are my sisters and i love them incredibly.
—-
you see… memorial day 2002 was basically at the very peak of my emotional turmoil.
i had come home from a christian gathering feeling completely alone. completely isolated. and completely un-worthy.
depression has many faces. and there is no doubt in my mind that -at one time- my face was counted among those.
you need to understand that ive sat here. and the space between the last line i just typed, and this one here… although short… has taken me nearly 15 minutes.
simply because of what im pondering. because of the raw emotion. because of how scared i am now – of how close it was then.
one year ago memorial day, i had plans laid out to commit suicide.
there, i said it.
it would have been simple really. i had two options, either slit my wrists in the tub, or a simple 6 story free-fall from my parking garage.
shocked? i am. and ive had a year to comprehend the honest fact that i was that low. its scary. ‘scary’ doesn’t even seem to be a big enough word. it doesn’t convey the depth of emotion i feel. its almost as if its feelings to deep for words.
for once upon a fateful nite 1 year ago, my little sister called me from 1700 miles away. and she never could have known that the simple communication we shared, saved my life. she never knew that the words we shared brought me back to life. she could never know that within that conversation were the things i was dying to hear.
she showed me i was needed. that i had a purpose in life. and that i had a reason, 2 of them actually, to live.
now maybe, in the course of my post tonite, ive shaken your world a little bit. well then, good. maybe it will make you stop and take stock of your friendships and realize that life isnt forever. and that, in a moment… it can change. and in a moment… it can be taken away.
im not where i used to be. praise God. im not that person anymore.
i used to think it could never happen to me, now i know it could happen to anyone.
be thankful for each day and live it to its fullest.
because, in all honesty, there are no promises that this life i think im living will continue on tomorrow.
here is to today.
and to lives being changed by grace.
amen and amen.
sometimes its the subtle things that catch us off guard. sometimes we dont even realize we’ve been “caught”. it takes a heart that has slowed somewhat, from the business of the day, to notice that indeed – it is no longer free but has been caught by surprise. thats me for tonite… somewhat caught off guard. by the scent of fabric softener.you see, i was surprised this weekend by my friend skip. she threw me in a car on friday and off we drove.
now you have to understand that my thoughts on the weekend were going to be nothing more than maybe an hour or two drive time. we left @ 6:15pm. 12:45am saturday we arrived in virginia. and we visited skips best friend k8 (who is my friend to, but we met through skip) so anyway…
i was under the impression that the trip, and seeing kate were the surprise for the weekend. boy was i wrong. saturday afternoon found me off to baltimore for an Ikea store. woohoo!! and after… downtown baltimore for an intimate evening with lifehouse. all surprises. all wonderful.
i guess i brought all this up for two reasons. the first being to simply state how awesome it is to be loved. not for anything you’ve done… or anything you try to be…but just for who you are.
and secondly, to just express some of the ways i changed.
because of the awesome-ness of the weekend, i called in to work and took monday off as well. so we did laundry… and i just pulled a t-shirt from my suitcase. it smelled like fabric softener. i havent used fabric softener in 18 months or more. my mom used to. i miss that smell…
ok, so im not sure how that shows any changes in my life… but believe me. i have changed. permanently. and im constantly continuing to change.
and until things settle down…
im hanging on every word You say
and even if You dont wanna speak tonite
thats all right, all right with me
cos i want nothing more than to sit outside heavens door
and listen to Your breathing.
there are memories i will always keep with me.
and there are memories so burned into who i am, that id gladly give anything to be able to forget them…its interesting isnt it, how the ones we hate the most are the ones with the most clarity.
why cant the good times come shining through our memories anymore….
carry my pain
carry the hurt
my head is spinnin
and im drowning in this rain.
shoulder my burden
and lighten my load
most of all please…
walk with me on this road
or so it may seem.im learning that reality may be somewhat different than the above statement.
im learning that people will very rarely ever change… anything. ever. human beings are inheirently creatures of habbit. and unless they are forced to change, like cattle herded from one field to the next… they wont.
humans are stubborn… it would seem, that they would rather stay in there safe little pasture – and choose to die of starvation – than to ::gasp:: face the threatening unknown of change and actually move to a pasture that holds the hope of food most promisingly.
very rarely will you find someone who will actually accept change gladly. and more rare still, are those individuals who will actually seek out change. wether to better themselves, or for the sake of a relationship….
and im learning, that those are the people that you consider friends. those are the people you invite into your deepest secrets. they are the ones who know most about you, even if you see them only on rare occasions. they are the ones who, when you look 10 years into the future, you know that even if you’re thousands of miles apart – you will still be in contact, if only because you know that the person on the other end of that line, will change with you… no matter what life throws your way.
people have learned that there is safety in numbers. and they will constantly cling to one another for support, for safety and for a feeling of ‘belonging’ to something. which is well, good and fine… unless life, or the Good Shepherd, is calling you to change.
for you see, the road of one who choses to change, is a lonely road. there is no denying that. because im walking on it.
i no longer fit into the “mold” of cattle anymore. i used to, i did. i used to have a normal family. live in a normal house. have a normal job in a normal suburb of a normal city. i – was one in a heard. not anymore. my family? fractured. forever. my lineage? destroyed. my house? sold. my job? gone.
and the looks on the faces of those who choose to not change… will forever be painfully burned into my memory as the faces of those who didnt know how to love.
for you see,
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails
love always protects. and to protect someone, you must be where they are. if you are not? than your love is only a good feeling… with no power.
ultimately, love means allowing someone to change. be it by there choice, or because the world they lived in was turned on end… love means allowing them to be real, and allowing them to change.
walking this path, im learning that ive only scratched the surface on love. i know ive got some wrongs that im keeping record of, and im struggling to let go.
but for now. and, for ever – i will always choose to change.
it seems that no matter how many times i tell myself that ive fully realized what has taken place in my family… i havent.i spent the majority of today trying to ‘work’ simply forget the crap surrounding me. it was as if i was hit, suddenly, in the gut, with another “level” of realization.
and all of a sudden, my world stopped… again.
fast forward a few short hours and the night found myself standing 6 floors up on the roof of the parking garage. watching the city lights.
in my year of city living, i dont normally expierence fog very often, but tonite was unique. the fog was very very low. from where i was – 6 floors up – just looking across the street was somewhat obscured by the low hanging clouds. and the highrise buildings that are my neighbors? all but had dissappeard. but something else spoke to me up there…
a still, small voice…
that im trying to hold on to.
you see, just as those giant, imovable buildings were where they always were… even though i could not see them… in the same way, through the fog of grief, pain and hurt im walking through right now… there is a giant, imovable God who – though i may not see Him…
He is still there.
along this journey aptly called life… we’re bound to discover something about ourselves…
most people simply pretend they didnt see the nugget of wisdom and truth, quickly scampering away…
happily choosing to be ignorant.
others, others don’t find themselves so lucky. they’re the ones destined to reach down, and pick up the pebbles of their existence and begin to piece together who they are… they are destined to think beyond this world… for, when it all comes down, they are not from this world.
see, the difference between those choosing ignorance, and those willingly walking this road… is that one group will drift through this life and barely leave a mark… as a breeze flitters through a grove of trees, they are around one moment, and gone the next…
and the other group, they may not have all the answers… they may not even know all the questions… but they’re asking. they’re seeking. each time they find a pebble of truth, they keep it…
they may not know all of who they are…. yet…. but they asking the One who knows.
and they….
they will be the ones who change the very earth we live on.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 