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i cant take the voices. i cant take the constant tape recording in my head of all my failures. i cant take living this life anymore. im done. i want out. i want off this planet. ::pant pant pant::
im done. in case you didnt notice.
im seriously pondering my whole belief system. as in – is there truly a “god” who so passionately loves us. im about 2 steps from walking away from all of this completely. where was god when everything fell apart? huh? if ya happen to know – why dontcha tell me.
cuz he sure isnt here.
is this what you call -blogger block- instead of writers block? its been days since my last blog. and i know its not because ive nothing on my heart… im not sure why actually.
what am i feeling?
i have absolutely no clue.
zip. total and complete block between my heart and my fingers. and for that matter… my heart and my head.
Remove the veils that once were torn by Your blood
Lift the scales that I might truly see all of You and You in me
help me feel… help me feel again.
….if i could stay forever in one spot… let it be at your feet…
i want to crawl into his lap and lay there – no need to fear. no agendas. no work. no responsiblities. just God and me. im tired and i want to… i want to stop fighting for just a moment and rest… get a glimpse of what im fighting for… i want to drop my shield. lay down my guard and feel safe. i want to walk into His presence and never leave. i want to be held. i want…. i need… to cry.its a dumb analogy. but it fits. i feel like a warrior thrust into a battle he didnt start… and i feel ready to collapse.
tomorrow? work. war. battle.
this life i think im living keeps going…
so here i go.
thats it. right there. thats my simple quote for the nite. 4 simple words.-adieu
chapter 2.
paragraph 2.
sentence 1.
guys are stupid.
last nite – 3 characters described who i am.
this nite – 3 words.
guys are stupid.
to say that our mental processes are anywhere NEAR coherent would be a gross misinterpetation of the obvious facts. look around you. men are stupid. we live our entire lives learning that simple lesson. and although we may know it better than we know our own name- we never are able to interpet our stupid actions – or the results of them – into a positive response.
all i know – from the thousands of times that ive messed up in the past few months… is this.
there are moments, places, people… few and very far between… that cause us to change who we are. they cause us to want to better ourselves… they cause us to want to learn to trust again.
and these moments… these places… these people – are the ones worth sticking your neck out farther than you ever have before.
these people are the ones who can make you smile no matter what your goin through. these people are the ones who take your breath away. they are the ones who make you feel alive.
they are the ones that remind us that this life is worth living.
they are gifts
divine deposits into our lives from a Holy and Perfect God.
these people… are the ones we care about the most. the ones we’d do anything for. and our relationships with these people are the relationships we strive for the hardest. the ones we constantly work to better. the ones that matter the most.
because – simply put. you love that person. more than life itself. more than coffee…. more than hugs… you love that person.
and WHEN – not if – you mess up…. these are the relationships – the people… whos forgiveness we ask for first. we dont wait. we dont try to make excuses….
just a simple-
i was wrong
i am sorry
please forgive me?
thats all that we can do. we recognize that we’ve hurt this special person. and although we hate that fact… we can not change it. we simply have to ask for forgiveness.
which is what i need to do.
i was wrong
im sorry
please forgive me?
i just read this a moment ago. its cut from an article from Relevant Magazine. the link directly to the article is posted below…….Maybe I have lived in this fallen world so long that I have forgotten that there ever was an Eden, that there really is One who loves me without condition, even when I eat too much, or when I burn the spaghetti, or have an incredibly arrogant thought, or fail to love my neighbor. When I’m not dreaming, I’ve become a Christian on a mission to be ‘real. I mock Christian lingo. I roll my eyes if I have to hear one more time about what ‘God’s doing’ in someone’s life or how ‘awesome’ someone’s time of prayer was this morning. But I’m not real. I’m just calloused. I’m just calloused because I am afraid. I’m afraid to find out what it means to take God at His word, to believe that if I delight myself in Him, He will be faithful to give me the desires of my heart.….
read the full article here
as an addendum to my most recent post:
i dont think it was nearly as sarcastic as i thought it was going to be.
less sarcasam. a lot less.
and more simple honesty. a lot more.
anywho…
warning: this post may contain high levels of sarcasam. only for external use. call a doctor or poison control center immediately if ingested
its official.
the new closing date on the house is somewhere around the 27 of this month.
2 weeks 2 days.
im supposed to “aim for this date and if it doesnt work, then we can tell them to move it back“.
this will “save mom and dad tons of money”
but “no pressure”
no freakin pressure my butt.
another conversation with my dad that left me completely and totally frustrated and furious. he tried calling the house twice afterwards… ive ignored the phone ringing both times and turned my cell off.
greedy as it may sound – he has absolutely no clue what its like going through all this.
and the question of the moment:
where the heck is God in all of this?
ive done everything i know to do. looked for a job everywhere i know to look. cut back on expenses in every way possible. now where the heck is He? how much more will be demanded before He decides to get off His butt and do something? huh?
well – quite frankly – im sick of it. and im Calling Him on it. Show Yourself. Be who You say you are. You say my needs are met – so… whats taken so long? You say ill never lack any good thing – well, i need a new home. Be who you’re supposed to be… or get outta my life
sometimes, the life i think im living sucks
justification. the word that seems to encompass my thoughts for the past few days
justification: the word for today
websters says:
1 a : to prove or show to be just, right, or reasonable b (1) : to show to have had a sufficient legal reason (2) : to qualify oneself…
the more you go through the fire this life throws at you; if you’re willing, the more you learn about yourself. the more your own eyes open up to the fraility and ‘patheticism’ of the life you think your living. fire – as it flows through your life – has a tendency to strip away all the preconcieved notions you have about yourself. fire destroys all that isnt 100% real in your life. and what you’re left with is a pile of ashes, and hopefully… inside the charred remains of who you are… tested, tried and strengthened by fire lies the life that you will be living. the ‘new you’. fire will come. we have no choice about that. our choice lies in our response…
so i say all that to simply state that ive realized that ive lived a lot of my life trying to justify my existence on this planet. trying to justify the fact that im wearing skin. i could justify my life through my work. i was good @ what i did. and i did it with everything i had. now? im laid off.
i could justify my life through my ‘on air’ times at the station. now? i haven’t 3 hours time on the air in months.
i could justify my life through the ministries i was a major part of. now? ive definetly learned im replaceable.
what makes me worth the skin im wearing? the air im breathing? the space i take up on this world?
its not my job
its not the radio
its not the ministry
everything i ever valued about myself is slowly being torn away. im finding out that maybe im not supposed to take my worth or value from those things. what am i supposed to take stock in? im not sure. i may not be learning everything i could be, but im trying.
until the next installment of this life i think im leaving
-nite
breaking news for tonite:
blog has finally decided to plant a working cookie on my computer.
do you have any idea how annoying it is to have to log in every time you blog?
anyway… enough ranting
today consisted of
1 part starbucks
1 part moving stuff
1 part moving more stuff
3 parts chucky cheeses
3000 parts lil kids
2 parts headache
3 parts advil
2 parts John Q
1 part mac-n-cheese
2 parts big wind storm
1 part fun nite at my house
intersperse throught the mix generous amounts of a special friend
and over all…it was a good day
however, the weatherman said that it dropped 25 degrees in 10 minutes earlier this evening. sniff sniff.
moving on
thought for the nite-
good things aren’t always God things.
more later
but my hearts cry, especially to special friends… is to have a God thing. not a good thing
until the next installment of this life i think im living
today absolutely rocked
-nite all
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 