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do you realize, that when noah saw that rainbow, it was the first rainbow ever? maybe you knew that. maybe its something you realized long ago. if thats so, then great. me? that hit me earlier this week.
no one on earth had ever seen a rainbow before. because it had never rained.
this promise wasnt just something that God used that already occurred in nature… no, it was something new. something real. something tangible that would appear to noah at ‘random’ times throughout his remaining years. and his children’s years, and their children’s years….. on through the ages.
it wasnt something re-used, recycled, restated or reinterpreted. it was fresh. real. awe inspiring.
can you imagine? i mean, ive seen rainbows before. and they still make me stop. they still bring awe. they still remind me of Gods promise, of Gods promises.
they remind me of a man who faced opposition from every side, who did something that seemed insane in the midst of mockery and insults. a man who was given a dream… and above all else, he followed the dream, the calling placed on his heart.
noah had never seen anything like this before. this wasnt weird, this was insane. this changed the way that a WORLD looked at the sky.
rainbows still impact me. they make me realize how much more deeply life was meant to be lived. how serious God was then, about making sure i lived now. they still force me to ask if i am living as i should be.
am i worth what it cost for that first rainbow to be painted across the clearing skies? was i worth it? God basically started from scratch and just a few thousand years later – here i am.
God, i cannot tell you that ive lived up to the dreams you obviously had for your people. You started from scratch, and for some reason, You chose me, for this time. i need your help, please. forgive, cleanse, heal. and Father, remind me, like you did for Noah, of your promises.
change the way i look at the sky.
if i was honest with you this evening, id have confessions to make. if i was honest with you, id tell you how ive allowed anger, and hate, and distrust and pain to cloud my vision, drown out Gods voice, and disrupt my good judgement.
if i was honest with you this evening, id tell you that i was desperate. and in desperate need. id tell you that the words to the song breathe were echoed in my heart as much as they pour from my speakers.
if i was honest with you, id tell you that somehow, in the midst of the pain, the anger, the hate, the guilt… i lost who i wanted to become. i lost… me.
if i was honest with you tonight, id tell you that i needed change. that i needed fresh vision, that i needed to feel free. that i needed to be free. that i needed to find the me that i lost.
if i was honest with you tonight, id tell you that, i am lost. and that i dont really know where im going.
the more i live, the more i realize that the prayers we pray arent always the deepest things inside of us. im realizing that the cries from our hearts sometimes cannot be uttered in vocalized prayer… sometimes we simply hope that these become the things that God feels. we hope that this amazingly huge God we worship has the ability to look into our souls, see the needs that are there, and work accordingly.
i think at one point or another, we all find ourselves at this point. at the point of knowing that this decision, the decision to change, must be made. we either do what it takes to leave this anger behind, or we let past circumstances mold us, and eventually, control the rest of our lives.
maybe you’re one of the lucky ones, one of those who escaped from scarring during your early years. maybe you had a great family that supported you, friends who never left, and people in your life when you needed them… maybe you can look back, and not question.
thats not me.
i dont look back and not have questions. i dont look back and not wonder why i had to go through all this. i dont look back and, even while seeing the hand of God, not want to ask why. not want to demand an explanation…. not want to know what master plan i’m a part of.
and honestly, i dont think its the questions that haunt me. its not that im afraid of the answers, as much as i am, of asking the questions.
i was at walmart last week. typical evening, typical walmart trip…
i saw her as she was looking at broccoli. she was probably my age. mid-late 20s, easily 7 months pregnant… you could almost see the weariness in her eyes… but that wasnt what caught me.
her wrists, both were wrapped in gauze. you could see the red of dried blood under the bandages.
she had tried to commit suicide and she was out buying broccoli.
her arms… from the just above her elbow to beyond her tshirt sleeves, were covered in scars. thin, sequential, self inflicted….
i wanted to hug her. to tell her she was beautiful. i wanted to show her the beauty i saw… and how i ached to know she was hurting… i wanted to offer her hope. i wanted to offer her a better tomorrow.
instead i just stood there, lost… tears in my eyes… praying… not knowing what i could do to help. not knowing where i could point her… who would know how to handle something like this.
i wanted to tell her she wasnt alone. i wanted to tell her that this life was worth living, that she was beautiful and worthy of love…
now, maybe you can look back, and you dont have questions. maybe youre lucky enough to have your world view fit into your Christian box.
i cant. im not going to be that person. im never going to be that person.
because next time… next time i want to be able to tell her that ive felt as she has. that ive been through hell, and that life is worth it on the other side. i want to tell her that there is freedom, there is hope, there is amazing life on the other side of where she is… i want to tell her she isnt alone. i want to listen to her questions, and i want to offer answers.
whatever it takes, to get to that place, to be able to offer that help to those that are hurting, Lord…let it be done in me.
because life is still worth living
http://www.pulitzer.org/year/2007/feature-photography/works/
i stepped out of the car the other night… it was a normal evening. nothing had ‘happened’. no major life events.. and i realized something.
i realized that i have so much to be thankful for.
so often i just rush through my day. the morning is a blur while i wait for coffee to kick in. the day simply rushes by in a haze of spreadsheets, reports and meetings. and by the time i get home, all i want to do is relax.i’m not complaining. i’m not. i have so much to be thankful for.
i have a family that has been through hell, and although we’re kinda odd, we’re still together. and we still love each other.
ive got friends all over the country. friends i know would drop everything to be with me if i needed it. friends to whom i dont say ‘thank you’ enough. friends like kate, april, jenna, ash and wendy. and thats just the short list.
i dont tell my family how much it means to be able to see them on a daily basis. i almost force myself to forget that, for a very long time, i couldnt do that.
i dont tell God how thankful i am for how much He has done for me. how thankful i am for how much rescuing i truly needed.
i dont. and i should.
i think, part of my issue with honestly giving thanks is that it, in a way, makes me realize how much more there is that i still want to see. still want to achieve. how much living this life, right now, here in texas is not all that i want. i am not living my dreams. im not. and in so many ways, im not even chasing them.
i know the next few months are going to bring about change. and if im totally honest with you, id prefer to simply go to work, and live out this life like nothing was going to be any different. i find security in routine. i do. routines give me a feeling of control.
but dreams…. dreams are not about control. dreams force you to throw aside your fears. to look impossibility in the face and declare at the top of your lungs that impossible is nothing. dreams force you to see what you dont want to see. maybe youre not following your dreams.. that you, in a sense, gave up on them, when you should have stubbornly held on.
dreams bring life into focus.
When Christ called his first disciples… he chose fishermen. he didnt chose the well educated, the well-off or the well-to-do. when Christ looked for his core group, his generals, his… special forces unit… he chose fishermen.
the statistics have not changed. not in more than 2000 years. being a fisherman, espically an alaskan crab fisherman, is still the most dangerous profession you can have.
policemen, firemen, bomb squad technicians and body guards… all are less dangerous professions.
why did Christ chose fishermen? what did he see in them?
honestly… i dont know. was it their dreams? was it the determination in them do get the job done no matter what? what did they posses that so attracted Christ that they were his first?
i want to dream again. i want to hope again. i want that feeling of flying to be alive and burning inside of my soul. i want to prepare for whats next, to be so excited with hope that i cannot sit still. i want to live this life… like it is truly worth living.
i want, i want to be the type of man that Christ sees as a ‘first wave’. i want to be in His core group. i want to hear his voice calling out to me saying “follow me”. and i want the guts, the balls to drop everything, dream, and follow him.
im exhausted. i am. but i guess, in a way, its a good thing.
there are things you realize only when you’re drained. things that come to you only when you’ve exhausted your internal reserves. things you learn only when you drop your guard, simply because you haven’t the strength to hold it any longer.
sometimes those things we learn shake us to our core. sometimes those things destroy us. we may realize that, what we’ve run so hard from, is inside of us. or, we may see that we really have lost our way…
other times, the things we learn shake us, but they do not destroy us.
maybe we realize that our heart is healing. that spring is coming… that this winter of the soul that has lasted for far to long… is not forever. we begin to see the ice melt… and the promise of spring rains brew on the horizon.
our heart begins to beat again. and even if the first thing we feel, is how truly broken it is… we’re thankful. because for so long we thought we’d never see it reach out for someone else. we’re thankful to know we can still feel. still love. and still desire love in return. and even if that love isnt returned, there is still promise. because we realize we’re not totally broken. we realize that there is still destiny for us.
we realize that love is possible. and even if we dont know where our heart will find its match, we sit in thankful silence…. because we know that our heart is still beating.
revelation comes at a cost. always. it doesnt matter if we chose to react to the revelation or not. either way, it costs. we either chose to react to the revelation, and are hopefully bettered by it, or we chose to ignore the information that we now know… and we chose to not change. and life continues as it always was.
we either live with the results and changes of doing something with what we have learned; or, we live, wondering for the rest of our lives what could have been… had we simply chosen to do something with that revelation.
what the hell am i doing? am i really going to go ‘there’?
now im sitting here asking myself if i really want to do this? to go into my own heart and look at the wounds, the pain, the infection. do i really want to lift the charade and look underneath? am i willing to look beyond the paper mache mask ive created?
i honestly dont see how i have a choice. not if i ever want to love again. not if i ever want to be perfectly honest with someone, and be perfectly ok with it. because right now, i cant love the way i want to.
i grew up basing my self worth on what other people thought of me. of how much they loved me. this was the driving force behind almost all of my close relationships. i wanted to be the best friend, brother, son, boyfriend possible. because maybe if i was the best, they wouldnt leave me. maybe my friend, sibling, parent, girlfriend would love me.
this wasnt real love. it never was. it was my own feelings of worthlessness driving me to do ‘something’. it was self preservation, masked as love. i was so preoccupied with doing all i could; so that, maybe they’d pretend to not see the mask i wore, and love me anyway.
and now? now im confronted with something new. with some one… new. with the possibility of a great, life long friendship… and all this comes up.
and i am forced to know that if i dont deal with my own short comings, if i dont own up to my own issues, then i will simply follow the path ive gone down every other time. and my efforts, this, i, will fail.
i cant do that. i cant do that to myself, and it is in no way fair to this other person.
someone once said, ‘sometimes you have to leave, to find out who you really are’. i think im finding myself there.
im finding myself standing on the edge of who i am, deeply desiring to jump. to free-fall. to feel the rush of adrenaline, hear the roar of the wind, and the freedom of not holding the cliff wall with white knuckles.
i think that this one post is an echo of what the rest of my life is going to be like. either im going to pursue my dreams, or slowly resign myself to a life of white picket fences. a life of safety. a life devoid of laughter, friendship, hardship and joy. a life devoid of love.
i wrote all of the above earlier this afternoon. and ive just been sitting on it. it feels somehow incomplete. or maybe, its because i feel somehow incomplete. i guess thats because i am huh?
incomplete. broken. imperfect. blemished.
so what does that mean? where does this leave me? honestly, i dont know. i know i cant live this way. i dont deserve it; and neither does this person.
how this is all supposed to happen? i have no clue. what its going to look like? or how im supposed to get from this realization, to action, and hopefully, in the future… wholeness? i dont know. i honestly dont.
but this is me. telling the world my revelation. and i hope, that you will see me react to this. you will see me learn, be changed, and be made whole.
what am i doing?
that is the question ive been pondering tonight. what am i doing? with my life? with my talents?
what im doing with who i am? with the gifts given? with this breath, right here, right now. with the 100,000 beats of my heart that happened today? what am i doing?
its been said that if you throw a frog into a pot of hot water, he will jump for all he is worth to save himself. he will react. it is programmed into his core, his soul, from the time that he is a tadpole. he cannot help but jump.
but its also said that if you put a frog into a pot of lukewarm water, and slowly apply heat… the frog will never notice it. why? its built into his brain. he doesnt notice the slow temperature changes. he doesnt see his life fading… he doesnt see the fact that the water he is surrounded by, which was at one time inviting, is now killing him.
he doesnt see it. he doesnt see death coming.
there was once a time where i could tell you i was healing. where i could say that i was wounded, and needed the time, in the background of life, to rest, find help and healing… there was a time when that was truth. and, in many ways, its still truth.
but its not the whole truth. not anymore. now, saying that im wounded, is hiding behind my pain. saying that i need to rest is running from life. now, not ‘doing’, or to put it in better perspective, not living simply because i need something…. is a lie.
what am i doing?
there is a part of me that knows, and has known for some time, that im not where i need to be. ive lost passion. ive lost dreams.
do i feel the water around me? can i still, easily sense the temperature of what surrounds me? or have i dulled, have i become, senseless. have i lost my ability to see what is right in front of me?
what happened to the passion that was in my soul? the passion that would cause me to jump, for all i was worth, to save my self. to see dreams fulfilled? to see healing brought to those my heart beats for?
there is a story told of a time long ago. where, in a distant land, it had not rained for hundreds of days. famine and death were rampant. and answers were nowhere to be found.
mankind had lost its sensitivity to life. it had lost its ability to sense the water around it, and it was dying.
and its said that there was one man. one man, who knew what needed to be done. who heard the whisperings in his soul. who could still see, who still had a vision…who could still dream. one man who could still sense in his soul, the temperature of the water around him.
and when he prayed… he saw a cloud.
i want that. i want that passion. that drive. that dream that sees the dust of the desert, as a fertile valley. that sees passion in the passionless. hope in the hopeless. and healing for those who hurt.
i may not be done fighting my own demons. i may have more that i need to deal with inside of my own life…. but there is another calling now. there is something deeper. something that echos even louder, inside my soul. louder, just since i started writing.
there is a hope to be found. there is a peace that passes all understanding. this generation, MY generation, is a broken generation… but we will learn to dance.
lifted up
ive climbed with the strength i have
right to this mountain top
looking out
the clouds getting bigger now
its time to get ready now
cuz all i want
is all you have
come to me
rescue me
fall on me
with your love
and all you want
is all i have
come to me
rescue me
fall on me
with your love
i sit here tonight, not fully knowing exactly what im feeling. or for that matter, exactly what ill end up saying. i sit here tonight, seeking. seeking hope. vision. a dream.
words are echoing inside of my soul. words to a song ive not thought of for some time. words that question. words that bring light. words that drag the questions that were hiding in the corners of my soul into the harsh light of reality.
i sit here tonight, questioning. is the vision lost? or has it been past on? is there any use continuing?
i sit here tonight, and i know ive not yet allowed myself the time to deal. the time to think. ive not slowed enough to realize that life is changing, drastically, soon. and that sooner than i want, decisions will have to be made
in the midst of this, that quiet voice whispered to me. it reminded me of a time when i was passionate.
i want that fire, that vision, that knowing of your dreams to be alive in my life. i want it back. and its not. not yet.
i sit here tonight and im almost trembling because i know that i am feeling disjointed, incomplete, missing a part of me. i like positing when i know i can draw things to a close, when i can leave you (and myself) with a feeling of hope. with a direction, with a reminder that there is a reason to keep going.
there is. there is a reason to keep going. but i cannot end there. not tonight. because tonight, i am incomplete. this, is incomplete. my life, right now, is incomplete.
so im going to leave you, with this song.
his faithfulness, my hope
it brings comfort to my soul
with a still small voice whispering,
“call upon my name and i
will set you up on high
be still and know that i am God
seasons change. they have to. they were designed to only last for a time. they were designed to cause certain, specific things to take place. each season has its own destiny, its own purpose. and in that, each season causes all the others to be that much more effective. each season, in its own way, brings life. abundant, beautiful life.
reasons change. they have to. they were desinged to only last for a time. they were designed to cause certain, specific things to take place. each reason has its own destiny, its own purpose. and in that, each reason causes all the others to be that much more effective. each reason, in its own way, brings life. abundant beautiful life.
reasons change. they need to. im learning that our reasons for doing what we do, have to change. they cannont forever stay the same. summer cannot last forever, and thankfully, neither can winter. they are appointed start and end times. it is the same with our reasons.
texas; at least in its current reason, cannot last forever. because my reasons for coming here, are changing. i came here to be closer to the family. to find closure and healing for my wounds. to say goodbye. to find a new path. to rediscover hidden dreams. to heal. to cry. to chip away at the walls that surround my heart.
is this season done? am i through with it all? no. there is still healing to come. there is still discoveries that must be made. but my reasons are changing.
the season is changing. i dont know how, or where that may lead…. but ive known it for some time.
spring is coming.
our reasons for doing what we do, for being who we are, cannot stay the same. we are designed to learn, to experience, to taste, touch, see, and hear new things. we were destined for change. we were destined for life.
and for those of us who may find ourselves attacking mountains in our lives with nothing but a coffee cup, our reasons are the most important things that we have.
our reasons were destined to change. destined to challenge us. destined to help us find our way.our reasons give us hope.
our reasons keep our dreams alive. our reasons are what allow us to get up every morning, and keep on keeping on.
our reasons give us courage. and isnt that what this life is all about? courage to try new things? to face our demons? to forgive ourselves for our pasts? and to accept the reality of our dreams?
courage. to find our dreams.
and hopefully …to live them.
we all have regrets, things we wish we’d never ever done. things that haunt us in our dreams. things that interrupt our dreams… things that scream that we’re destined to fail. destined to let others down. destined to destruction.
we all have things in our past that we wish we could forget. things, choices we made, actions, words we wish would disappear. would fall off the planet and never again be remembered.
we all have a past. some of us have been able to shut it in a closet. and forget its there. others of us are still haunted by decision made long ago.
we’ve all built castles in the sand. and we, in our own way, have watched them crumble as the surf rolled in. we’ve all faced personal disasters. and ive come to the conclusion that the person hardest on us, is us.
you see, i believe in a God. i believe in a God who promised to remove our sins from us as far as the east is from the west. a God who promised to throw our sins into the vastness of the sea of forgetfulness. i believe in a God whos dream it is to restore us (humanity) to the position we lost thousands of years ago. i believe in a God who offers forgiveness, who sent His Son to pay for our sins. and to allow us a chance at abundant life.
i believe all those things… and yet i still replay my own failures. my own mistakes. i still focus on the diseased part of who i am, instead of the immense God who is waiting for me to step back, so He can step in.
i believe all those things… and yet i still fear. i still fear people finding out who the real me is, or was. i fear not being good enough. i fear not being forgiven.
i believe all those things, and yet… i fear.
i fear missing Gods will. not being good enough for His plans for me. i fear being unworthy of the dreams i carry deep within myself.
there is something to be said about being content with where you are at. with being thankful for what you have, and what youve been given. and there is tremendous truth in that. there is. and im a firm believer in working towards contentedness.
but there is something more.
i fear, but i know. i know there is more to life. i hear it echo off the walls in my heart. i hear it when im alone. i hear the cry in the wind. i hear it in the aching of this generation. there is something deeper. there is a prize worth fighting for. there is life out there, beyond what ive known. there is life.
there is hope. and there is forgiveness.
there is swimming in the sea… and finding your memories being lost in its depths. there is walking in the valley, and finding your life renewed by the presence of the One who will never leave.
there is forgiveness. and forgiving of ones self.
there is life.
there are symphonies still to be heard. symphonies contained within the whole of our beings, within our souls. there symphonies we are destined to play in. to write. to hear.
there is destiny. and there is life.
i give You my apathy
im giving You all of me
i want Your symphony
singing in all that i am
at the top of my lungs
im giving it back
and i lay my head back down
and i lift my hands and pray
to be only Yours
and pray to be only Yours
i know now
You’re my only hope
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