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you are the only one who can make your life worth living.
Christmas has come and gone. through it all, i pray that i listened for the silent holiness that this season celebrates. and that the remembrance of the birth of the Christ was not lost on me.
we all have our dreams. our hopes and passion for the future. we all have our ideal that we pursue, even if at times we dont admit it; even to ourselves.
i race through this life too quickly. and i dont take the time to stand in awe and wonder.
even if its just for this moment, tonight… i pray that once again i’m awed by the presence of One who counted me worthy to die for. One who knows my name. One who has seen every tear, heard every silent cry, and seen each dream fade.
One who still has a plan for my life. a hope. a future.
One who still dreams, for me.
(yay snow!)
now playing: stanley climbfall – lifehouse
life seems almost unreal at times. there are moments that make us realize how insignificant our lives are, and how tiny we are in comparison to the whole scheme of things.
my grandfather passed away a week ago tonight. the call came while i was out to dinner last friday. and from there, the world both stood still, and raced forward.
less than 3 days later i was home. snow. cold. christmas lights. and the honor of being asked to be a pallbearer.
if i ever needed a reminder of how tiny life is…. and how quickly it ends, this week offered just that. and the chance to see the impact one life can have.
im still in shock. and i know ive not yet dealt with all this week threw at me. but for now? for now im just thankful. i spent a week in NY back in July and during that time i was able to spend a few hours with my grandparents…. and im so thankful i did.
they celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary less than 2 months ago.
…..
life changes. and sometimes it ends.
its what we do, its what i do, now. that will write the stories my children will tell about me.
cause i know that
im not sure about anything
but you wouldnt have it any other way
and the world keeps spinning round
and my worlds upside down
i wouldnt change a thing
ive got nothing else to lose
i lost it all when i found you
and i wouldnt change a thing
now playing: pages – shane and shane
if there is one thing i want to carry with me throughout the final days of 2007, one theme that above all guides my heart, and what keeps my heart soft…. i hope and pray that it is the simple truth that we all have so much to be thankful for.
that i have so much, to be thankful for.
someday, be it Gods will, id like to spend this season being thankful with someone. but thats in Gods hands. right now, for this time, i’m choosing to simply be thankful. im choosing to be caught up in the wonder of all that Christmas is. the glorious song of old and the joy that it represents.
there are so many things i could blog about. so many issues, concerns that are pressing on my heart. but not now. not at this moment.
i dont stop often enough and simply give thanks. for life. for being alive. for family and friends that i love so dearly. for a job and a car and for not being rear-ended earlier this week. ‘thank you’ seems paltry in comparison to what ive been given. compared to grace. mercy. hope. love.
i truly have so much to be thankful for.
now playing: mutemath – stall out, demon hunter – lead me home, lifehouse – broken
roles confuse me. they do.
maybe not roles in general. but more so, my role; my role confuses me. i dont know who im supposed to be. and at times, that can be the most disheartening thing to face.
the word ‘responsiblity’ has been on my mind a lot recently. i’ve been trying to figure out my responsibilities about a lot of different situations. trying to figure out where responsibility and life intermingle, and where responsibility ends, and real life begins.
because right now, responsibility does not = life. at least, not right now.
not when your dad has lost his job, again. and doesnt have the money to buy gas to come see you at starbucks. not when he wants you, needs you to teach him to use a computer because he cant (or wont) find work in the areas that he is skilled in. not when you realize he’s little more than 5 years from retirement age (65). and you honestly start asking yourself if you could live your life knowing your father wound up homeless.
where does responsiblity start? and where does it end? at what point did i become the father. and he the son?
someone once said that the desire for companionship, for finding that one you were designed to be with, for finding one of the largest parts of a life worth living… was only a human desire.
sir, i respectfully disagree.
why? because. i exist. because even in the midst of my parents marriage disintegrating, in the midst of my life falling apart in so many ways. i exist.
and im still here.
good can, and does come from the worst of circumstances. and im living proof of it.
i dont have all the answers. and sometimes, the questions seen overwhelming. and you know what? sometimes i catch my own reflection, and i can see the questions. the questioning. staring at me. staring me down. running and ruining so much of my life.
here i stand. and to be honest, even with all this… i have so much to be thankful for. i have friends all over the nation. i have a family i love. a job that loves me. and a savior who is patient.
so despite my doubts, and fears, and obvious inability to figure this life out. i’m going to continue my search. my search for hope. my search for purpose. my search for a life worth living. it may not come the way i expect it. there may be pain, but there will be home. there will be joy. there will be love.
and i will live this life.
now playing: iona – woven cord
maybe it’s because the holidays are right around the corner. maybe its not. all i know is that for some time now, there has been a part of me that hasn’t been fully satisfied.
i know there are times when life… takes turns outside of where we thought we’d be. where we wake up one day, and its just… not. not the way it was supposed to be. and in some respects, its times like those that ask us to stay single. we’ve got too much other stuff to focus on to worry about finding that special someone.
ive been wondering if there is a time when that fades away. and life turns again… and each time we journey into the sea we know so well, our hearts hear a whisper. a call. and our desire to venture into waters we do not know, grows.
it sounds really really cheap to say ‘pj’s on the market’. and honestly, thats not what im saying. but i’d be lying if i said i hadnt been thinking about it.
now, before you starting thinking of people, dont – because i dont even have anyone in mind. just more of a desire.
an awakening desire to surprise someone with flowers. someone to make coffee for. someone to stand next to as 2007 draws to a close.
there is more. i keep hearing that. there is more than the small part of the world i call home. more of the sea than has yet to be seen. there is more to this life. more to be lived. just beyond these shores.
(now playing: beautiful people – jason upton)
there are times in our lives when words simply fail to express where we are at.
6 years ago this evening, i received a phone call. i was in the middle of soundcheck for a CD release party. that call informed me that my dad had left my mom.
and in all honesty, life became unhinged.
i dont bring that up for pity. because i dont want it. i bring it up to remind myself of where i’ve come from. of what life was like. and how precious the people in my life are.
i bring it up to remind us
if you’re parents are still happily together, thank them. if you’ve found the one you’ve been looking for, then make sure they know it. tonight.
if you’ve got friends like wendy, kate, april, ash and jenna; who will ask the sometimes hard questions, then make sure they know how thankful you are for them.
and if you believe in a Holy God whos heart broke when your world fell apart… then make sure you tell Him you love Him.
the pain will come
with the morning sun
will the night betray the day?
blister skin
wither from within
scratch to shed this shell away
will You know my name
or will i hang my head in shame?
will someone take this tired skin
that ive been dying in?
will someone hold me to the light?
and if i die tonight
then take this broken man and
wrap me tight within this brand new skin
watch me fly
freedom like wings
and i will use them
freedom like wings
and i will spread them wide
watch me fly
freedom my wings and i will use them
freedom my wings and i will spread them wide
and rise up
one day my ashes will return to earthly slumber
spread far and wide across the desert and the sea
until then i will live each day in awe and wonder
and look forward to each sunrise
–stavesacre
wither/ascend
when peter was called out onto the water – there was a definitive calling. a definitive moment of decision. a moment when peter had to put aside the laws of physics and simply trust. but it was there. a calling, an invitation, a split second in time. a life altering moment.
peter would have been foolish to have just leapt overboard whenever he felt like it. he didnt though. he didnt leap until he saw. he saw the maker of promises walking on water. he saw the calling on his life confirmed and in that moment his life was altered. he stepped out of the boat – and his true calling began.
up to that point, he was only a disciple. and yet moments later, God had a son that He knew He could leave to tend his sheep.
but it wasnt until peter saw. it wasnt until he heard the invitation. it wasnt until that moment.
and he wasnt ever the same.
where am i going here? i’m not sure. i just feel so much like im waiting for that calling. that call to step out of the boat. a vision to follow. a moment in time that changes everything else.
so hear i am Lord. on the boat. listening for the call.
i dont ever want to be the same.
i think i’ve spent a good portion of the past few weeks running. filling my days with work, and household stuff, and other ‘really important’ things.
when you grow up without a father who actually played the role of one worthy to be called ‘dad’, you’re view of the Heavenly Father becomes skewed. you learn mistrust more than you do trust. and to fear authority, rather than rest in the truth that its there for a reason. you learn to be ‘ok’ on your own, instead of resting in the simple knowing that ‘dad’ would never leave.and ive been running from that. from dealing with that. from even admitting its happened. but it has. its there every time i try to worship. every time i open my bible. every time i go to pray…. its there.
moses didnt really have a ‘dad’ during the most important years in his life. early in his life he found himself an outcast. he went from next-in-line to the throne of the greatest kingdom on earth, to an enemy of that kingdom. and for the next 40 years he wandered. but it was during that wandering that the call was birthed in him. he learned how to be a shepherd. he didnt have a father, but even during that time, he was being fathered.
and maybe thats where i find myself tonight. tending my own little world in the desert. and honestly, feeling alone. im learning that life isnt always what we expect it to be. that joy can be found even in the midst of the mundane. and that pain is sometimes God’s way of letting you know that He’s not quite done yet.
moses knew he was called. he knew he had a purpose. that destiny was birthed in him. he knew that there was something specific he was created to do…. and even in his years in the wildness, even in the midst of circumstances that never remotely resembled the calling he knew he had… he never gave up. the dream was in him.
what he may not have realized, was that this wilderness was his training… his proving grounds. this is where moses was fathered. so he could be a father to a hurting nation. this was where moses learned the heart of a saviour, so he could communicate that heart to a people starving for love.
sometimes it takes moments like this, with just the sounds of a piano playing, to remind us that there is a God. and that He is intimately familiar with our circumstances. that no matter our drug of choice, no matter whatever we use to dull the ache, that He is still there. waiting, willing, and more than able to take that ache away. to awaken us to real, full life.
moses found his calling – while in the wilderness.
i pray i dont miss mine.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 