Category Archive

im beginning to realize that our capacity for joy, our ability to expierence the happiness that living contains, our skill at seeing the good, the happy, the things to smile about in the everyday, is linked to the hell we’ve seen.

there are times when i dont think i could laugh at what i laugh at, had i not cried when i did. there are times when i sit back and realize i wouldnt be able to live, love and laugh as often as i do, i wouldnt be as thankful for what i have; if i wasnt forced to realize what could be, and at times was, lost.

we went to the texas state fair today. its a yearly tradition for my family to go at least once to the state fair. good food. fun car show. overall a great time. but something caught me, something made me pause.

we ended up watching one of those dog shows where they take the dogs through different skills. frisbee catching, pole-weaving, flat out speed, etc. we’d been last year to this show and it proved again to be a fun time.

i sat amazed throughout almost the entire show. not at how many frisbees were caught, or how high the dogs could jump, but at how rapt these four legged animals were with their owners, with their masters. the crowd of easily 2-3 thousand, the other dogs, the noise, the music, the announcer, none of it mattered. these dogs attention was unwaveringly focused on their masters. nothing else mattered. they litterally exploded out of the cages and their eyes didnt leave their masters.

and beyond that, they were having fun. they lived for what they were doing.

what hit me the hardests? the frisbees.

each dog did some amazing tricks catching frisbess thrown all over the arena. and each and every dog missed some frisbees…. but get this, they DID NOT CARE.

they didnt stop and apologize, they didnt lose focus, they didnt for one second wonder or fear or second guess the love their masters had for them. they didnt lose it, they didnt break down or stop trying. they kept going. they forgot about the dropped frisbee immediately for the next thing flowing from the hand of their master. they were living in the gaze of their masters and absolutely nothing else mattered.

it didnt matter if they dropped 1 frisbee, or all of them. this wasnt about the frisbee tricks, it wasnt about a job well done, it wasnt about the crowd, or the guy who just dropped his hamburger, this wasnt about the circumstances or surroundings, this wasnt about being better than the next dog. this was about the master. this was about the next chace they’d get to be in His arms, to feel His love and know that they were the only thing that mattered to him. this was about the master and only the master.

these four legged animals that cannot talk, cannot clean up after themselves, these smelly, slobery dogs were teaching me about life. about truly living. about not caring about their surroundings, about living in a time where every conceivable distraction is thrown at you, and yet your focus doesnt waver.

what world i would live in if i could only learn to live for the masters gaze. to live in all that He has for me, to forget the dropped firsbees, the messes left, the times i made a mistake or flat out disobeyed. who would i be if i truly dropped all pretenses and let myself rely on the truth that His love for me isnt based on catching firsbees? what impact would i have if i was freed to be me, to live for being with my master and to love every single moment of life? who would i be? how would i change? what would happen if i stopped crying over dropped frisbess, and simply began to live?

im laughing. and its good. it really is.

im talking with people ive not talked to in way to long. and we’re making new memories. and remembering old memories.

and im realizing that im doing so much more.

im saying goodbye. to old friends. goodbye to past hurts. to past “me’s”. to the past. im saying goodbye to all thats held me back, kept me in the mold of who i was.

im talking with people who are letting me be me. people who are letting me change. become who more of who i want to be. and less of who i am. people who dont mind that i dont have all the answers, that im a failure in so many ways. that i clueless as to how to become who i want to be.

im laughing. im making friends. and rekindling old ones.

thank God for foundations. for new beginnings.

for a hope.

its hardest to truly live when we most need to do just that. times to truly live never present themselves as easy situations. they’re the times that cost us emotionally. they wound us, berate us, belittle us. those are the times that scream for us to grasp, cleave to life and not let go.

so often though, its nearly impossible for us to hear ourselves think above the din of all that consumes us. much less hear the scream, the utter cry from within, for us to truly live.

life is like blogging. or writing anything for that matter. i find it hardest to write when i really want to say something. when something is eating me alive and i need to get it onto paper… those are the times when my fingers stand idle. my thoughts, a jumbled mess of confusion and my dreams of anything cohesive, well.. they’re just that – dreams.

in the midst of the whirlwind of chaos, confusion and dreams of cohesiveness lie the pieces of life. life very rarely is handed to us complete. most of us, if we’re honest with ourselves, are wondering, wandering and stumbling across this land finding pieces that are slowly fitting together. they’re beginning to take shape. something is emerging. in the middle of this chaos, we pickup the pieces of our hearts, realize we’re leaving our fears behind, and we find out who we truly are.

in the midst of the whirlwind, we find life.