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i love you… but i dont know if i trust you.
my quote to end the nite.
vauge i know.
you can ask for more… but i probably wont give it.
joshua was given hundreds of square miles as his inheiritance..
as Gods chosen people…
and one mistake…. one moment of doing a “good” thing – instead of the “God” thing…
led to a loss. a loss of what was rightfully his. as loss that his people have felt for generations.
may my actions now and forever be “God” actions… and not just “good” actions.
If you are convincingly told that you are precious and valued, enough to open yourself to believe such a possibility, and are not treated that way, then slowly the ache of betrayal grows. These very same words that thrilled your heart before become hollow and bitter, falling flat because there is no substance behind them. True commitment, true devotion would not allow such a thing to happen. Sadly, the brokenness left by betrayal is more common than one would hope for.
my relevant thoughts for the nite…
and for some reason – they’re always piping a radio station quietly into the lobby….
and this song was playing – most of the words… seemd poignant…
(note: lyrics slightly edited)
while i just heard
the news today
it seems my life
is gonna change
i close my eyes
begin to pray….
then all these tears
stream down my face….
all the times ive heard this song, and i never once read anything deeper into these lyrics….
im connecting with this song on a brand new level.
the songwriter was, amongst other things – terrified.
now, yes – these are the joyus cries of a soon-to-be new father.
but they’re also, the cries of a man who knows he is
utterly incompetent and unequipped
unprepared and underqualified
completely inadequate… for the task set before him.
and so he cries… cries out to his Maker… for help.
i know i probably should be mature enough to not be surprised by this….
i know ive probably learned enough about this thing we call “life” to be aware enough to not be caught off guard…
i know i shouldnt be sitting in stunned silence…
i know… but i still am.
i sit here. blown away, bewildered, convuluted, stunned into silence….
my life has changed… again. all over again. in a moment.
in a moment my day went from ‘ok’… to ‘oh my god’.
…an excerpt from Hinds Feet on High Places….
“…she had been down into egypt and had looked upon the grinding-stones, the wheel, and the furnace, and knew that they symbolized an expierence which she herself must pass through. Somehow, incredible as it was, she, Much-Afraid, had been enabled to accept the knowledge and to acquiesce in it, and she knew within herself that with that acceptance a gulf had opened between herself and her past life, even between her past self; a gulf which could never again be closed….”
for weeks now ive had this sense, that “it” wasn’t done yet, that the burning wreckage of my ‘family unit’ hadn’t crashed landed yet. and, i was right. it seems that before it slams permanently into the earth, it may have some flammable cargo still waiting to explode. today, something huge blew up. and whats worse, the repercussions haven’t even been felt. yet.
welcome – to the begining of the end….
i had an entire blog all typed out, and one mistake on the keypad and bam… its all gone.
so here i am… left with a blank page…
a new page.. a page untouched by todays blemishes…
something clean..something pure…
like the day that has just begun…
anyway, my thoughts for nite…
if its true that this life we live is a road… then sooner or later, if you fight hard enough… and forge your own path… you will come to… you’ll come to your edge.
the place in your life where you just know you’ve gotta make a decision… and the decision will forever impact who you will be… as a person, in your life… and those who know you and call you friend.
thats me. thats now. thats my life. this – is my edge
a new day
the sun is shining
seems I’m closer to finding
that life is more than where we are
no way that I am TURNING
as long as the sun is burning
now it seems that all I want is you
so – for this moment in time… for this place in the road im called to walk… ive made a decision, and now – its time to “go public” so to speak. to make my ‘statement’.
my prayer.
my hearts cry…
its simple really….
Lord… i am utterly lost without You. ive never been more aware that i can not do this on my own. that i can not walk this road… under my own strenght. Father, its simple. i need You. i need You in all i am. come, take control. take my unbelief. take my fear. burn me with Your eyes and see into who i am really am. take everything away that isnt You. lord, i need You. come, Father – lead me and i will follow.
I try to make my way to you
but still I feel so lost
I don’t know what else I can do
cause I’ve seen it all
it was never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
dont give up on me yet…. dont forget who i am… i know im not there yet, but dont let me stay here alone.
Lord, i am yours. ive done all i could, forgive my faults and lead me on. ill go where you lead and ill do what you want, just take me with you. i cant stand being away from who you are.
im gonna fight. im gonna continue on in this road im on and Lord, if im wrong, please show me. and even beyond that, help me to trust you for all things. all things……
every moment of our life we are confronted with choices. with choices come consequences and with consequences, chances to learn…
As Christians we know, in theory at least, that in the life of a child of God there are no second causes, that even the most unjust and cruel things, as well as all seemingly pointless and undeserved sufferings have been permitted by God as a glorious oppurunity for us to react to them in such a way that our Lord and Saviour is able to produce in us, little by little, His own lovely character.
im learning that doubt – isn’t a bad thing. and that doubt and beliefe run almost hand in hand. im learning that i can no longer accept anything verbatim simply because my parents did/do. im learning to take every single thing with a grain of salt…. and im learning the importance of listening to what people are actually saying… and not just their words…
im learning that the precious things in life arent always forever… and that… as important as holding on is…. just as important – and sometimes more important… is letting go.
letting go of the past… of peoples expectations of you… and, as stupid as it may seem – of your expectations of other people… im learning to cherrish the moments as they come… and to not worry about tomorrow. tomorrow will take care of itself….
im learning to let go of roads ive spent years walking on… and ive learned the joy of walking away. ive learned the hardship that comes from walking where you think He’s leading, and im learning the humbleness needed when what i thought was wrong…
ive learned to stick to my decisions and fight for them as hard as i can – and ive committed myself to a 180degree turn just as fierce if i am wrong…
ive learned that not everyone you call a friend will understand -or be able to live with- the decisions you make. ive learned that sometimes, walking away from the good things in your life, will lead you to the God things you were missing. im learning im not perfect, and that i cant expect others to be perfect either. im learning that im in need of His grace daily… and that His grace is for today…. not tomorrow….
im realizing God is a now God… and no matter what i think or feel – im caustiously…. carefully… begining to allow myself to trust Him again….
on a side note, today marks the 53rd week ive been livin on my own. my family left for a “3 week trip”… 1 year ago this past friday.
welcome to my life….its a life im learning about….its a life im living through… its the life i think im living.
there is something to be said when -in the process of reading an entry- you need to remind yourself to breath..
i post this from nannykates blog http://nannyk8reallife.blogspot.com/.
life makes us into who we are. the things that happen to us, the people that touch us. i am perpetually grateful to so many for their impact on my life. those people will never know how deeply i am thankful, nor how much i love them…
read it. wow. and a personal public “thank you” to kate for her comment on my blog…
thank you. for more than you could ever know.
more later…
welcome to my exodus
welcome to my departure…
from the person i once was – to the person im now becoming.
welcome to the changes and failures of a child/boy/man fighting his way through the turbulent waters of the ocean of life.
i promise – nothing.
my goal – unsure…
my final destination – known.
my chart… unknown….
355 days and counting….
gnite.
(ps. nannyKate – have pookie give you my email addy so i can thank you personally for your comment)
so i dont think i have much to blog tonite.
i ended up renting a new flick… check out “hometown legend”.
good movie. very good.
hey – even relevant said it was good.
anyway.
i must say life offers us many very interesting challenges. and things change in a moment. we’ve all seen that. im not exactly sure why im still surprised by it. i guess it can just come from surprising sources.
someone who i havent talked to in months just said hi to me a few moments ago. @ the very moment i was thinking about her. weird.
God? maybe.
anyway…
i heard some good preachin sunday morning.
simply put – there may never be a good time to apologize. maybe i am waiting for the perfect moment. will that perfect moment ever happen?
all questions… no answers.
i know i said this earlier on. it just keeps popping up. more and more im realizing what faith isnt. and for that matter… what love isnt. love means having to say im sorry. love means having to swallow your pride. love means getting hurt. love… means betrayal.
here is a question for you – how much did the disciples learn from watching judas? from seeing one of their own betray the one they followed? what were the disciples supposed to learn? what did Christ feel? i mean – He was 100% God, but He was 100% man also. did he feel betrayed….?
i dunno.
forgiveness seems to be whats foremost on my mind. and – from the look of my past ramblings, i guess they’re may be a lot on my mind tonite….
forgiveness. asking for it. giving it.
forgiveness isnt a beautiful thing. its not all flowers and fluff. its gory. its sacrafice…. look @ what it cost Christ to simply pave the way for our forgiveness… just so we could share in the communion that He has with His father.
rambling… very rambling. and my song selection has been close to schzisophrenic. and dont mock my spelling. its late.
the hardest part of this life i think im living…. is simply that.
living.
ok… im gone for now.
im not sure exactly what it is inside of myself im so afraid of.
falling in love? pain? letting down those who i do love?…..
Christ gave all He had for those He loved. there was not one thing He held back.
He lost it all. for the sake of the ones whom He loved with all His heart. and they didnt even understand it….
they couldnt figure out why He had to go.
there are some things in this life i will never understand.
the hardest part about this life…. is living.
i didnt realize how much i miss human contact… i miss my dad. i miss my mom. i miss her hugs.
the winter here’s cold, and bitter
it’s chilled us to the bone
we haven’t seen the sun for weeks
to long too far from home
I feel just like I’m sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
as i listen to these lyrics… the tears are falling freely…
i guess what i miss most of all… is seeing my mom and dad… together.
i never knew there was stuff inside of me that could hurt this much….
pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 