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as much as i can, i believe ive begun the steps neccessary to keep my life from completely falling apart.
thanks to the help and support of one specific friend, ive begun seeking out a counselor.
i ended up having my weekly preformance meeting with my boss on tuesday. and… its not really a good thing – when ones first week on the job was the best.
my 3 month review is right around the corner, and i havent exactly ‘bested’ my first week yet. and the 3 month mark is where they basically decide if they feel its beneficial to keep you employeed.
i hadnt realized until i started talkin with him (my boss) how much the circumstances of my life had impacted my ability to simply focus. so yeah, my job is probably in jeapordy right now….
hence the decision (with some major support from a friend) to seek out the help i need.
so many battles lost… but hopefully, not the war.
and tomorrow is another day
and im thirsty anyway….
so bring on the rain.
well, i should be getting to bed.
so if you’re out their reading this somewhere in this wide wide world. and you happen to understand the meaning of ‘lil sparrow’….. beyond all the crap that this life brings… i wanted you to know i still love you.
goodnite from this life i think im living.
tonite, as i continued down this road i think im living…
i rediscovered a part of my being that had long ago been broken off.
exactly what it is – or where it goes…or how to put it back on?
im not sure
but… as a very tentative step in the (hopefully) right direction…
its in His hands.
Lord take from me my life when i dont have the strength to give it away to you. please take from me my life… when i dont have the strength to give it away to you
how much louder do i have to cry
until someone hears the child inside
how much longer do i have to wait
until my Daddy shows up at the gate
how much longer will i feel pain
i just want to taste freedom again
as i approach my computer today…im much more timid and um… aware…
aware of my actions
and what i say…
so i guess i should apologize for just being so – “loud” yesterday.
ill be honest – i dont have any idea whats going on inside me right now. i dont have words to describe it. i just know i cant go on with like this much longer.
i need something to change… what? or how? ive no clue. but something has to change.
soon.
i cant take the voices. i cant take the constant tape recording in my head of all my failures. i cant take living this life anymore. im done. i want out. i want off this planet. ::pant pant pant::
im done. in case you didnt notice.
im seriously pondering my whole belief system. as in – is there truly a “god” who so passionately loves us. im about 2 steps from walking away from all of this completely. where was god when everything fell apart? huh? if ya happen to know – why dontcha tell me.
cuz he sure isnt here.
11:45. thursday nite. the weekend fast aproaches. thank God.
nothing like a small glass of wine before bed.
anyway. im relaxed. albeit – due to a chemical influx in my system.
but hey – whatever….ok. i cant blog tonite and i know it. more bloggers block
….adios for now from this life i think im living
if i didnt mention it before – im tired.
very very tired.
ready to quit
…..
i spent all day today remembering things in the past.
the past 8 months
the past year
past friendships… etc
i dunno. ive seriously gotta figure out how to brighten up my blogs a bit.
but i dont have time to not be real. this is how i feel
im wrong. i almost always am.
so? deal with it.
im trying to change. to be better. to be something worthwile.
to be something other than… me.
this is me.
take it or leave it.
on a side note.. a friend of mine was moving out of her apartment last week and found something she’d lost a while ago.
about a year ago she had 3 pet newts… two of them escaped. never to be seen again.
until last week, when the mumified body of one of the newts was discovered imbeded in a blanket in her closet.
yeah…fun thought to sleep with.
oh yeah. this life i think im living still sucks sometimes. im begining to wonder why i continue on this road of truth.
am i cynical tonite? yeah. am im sarcastic? yup. bitter? that too.
do i care? yeah….
im lost and confused.
im twenty two years old…
and all i see – it could never make me happy
and all my sandcastles spend their time collapsing
let me know youre near me. let me know your touch.
let me know that you love me and let that be enough.
gnite
ive come to the conclusion that your life -some parts anyway- are only as good as you make them. our actions had consequences. ive learned from some of those actions. and the consequences they produced. im no longer willing live this life i think im living in any way that brings about negative consequences.
whatever it takes.
if it means me walking away from whatever im hindering. so be it. i could hide behind words, but i wont. i know im not at a place right now to benefit certain things in my life.
id rather protect something from myself… than damage it by my stubborn refusal to simply ask for help.
ok… now that ive got that off my chest its time to accomplish my goal for tonite
which is ::drumroll:: sleep more than 2 hours.
yup. i slept 2 hours last nite.
so im crashin
nite all.
it comes to those who ask for it. if they do what it takes to step into it…..no deep thoughts. no earth-shattering revelations.
newsflash tho
i have a reason to live. a few of them actually. 24 hours ago i was reminded of them. 48 hours ago… i was about to give up.
but i have a reason. 2 of them actually. they live in ft. worth and they’re slightly younger and more beautiful than i am. well… slightly younger and much more beautiful. they are the reason i keep going. they are the ‘pot at the end of the rainbow’. they are the reason i continue on in this life i think im living…..
they are my sisters and i love them incredibly.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 