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chapter 2.
paragraph 3.
sentence 1.
life is confusing.
and scary. and strange. consider it the big unknown.
a giant leap into an unfathomable void.
and sometimes it just sucks.
my sister got a dog today! she bought a lil chiuaua mix thing. his name is biscut. and he weighs (puppy) 4 or 5 lbs. big dog huh?
i ended up calling down to talk to them because today is my moms birthday. moms birthday. and both of the men in her life… well, im 1700 miles away…..
God i miss her.
well. its almost midnite. and no matter how hard i try… i cant stop time.
this life i think im living will continue on. with, or without me. its a comforting thought. to know that life goes on. but it also tells you that life will run you over.
ok. so enough of my depressed, exhausted, mentally and emotionally drained mindless meanderings…
im off to dream land…or somethin
until this life i think im living brings me chapter 4 –
adieu
chapter 2.
paragraph 2.
sentence 1.
guys are stupid.
last nite – 3 characters described who i am.
this nite – 3 words.
guys are stupid.
to say that our mental processes are anywhere NEAR coherent would be a gross misinterpetation of the obvious facts. look around you. men are stupid. we live our entire lives learning that simple lesson. and although we may know it better than we know our own name- we never are able to interpet our stupid actions – or the results of them – into a positive response.
all i know – from the thousands of times that ive messed up in the past few months… is this.
there are moments, places, people… few and very far between… that cause us to change who we are. they cause us to want to better ourselves… they cause us to want to learn to trust again.
and these moments… these places… these people – are the ones worth sticking your neck out farther than you ever have before.
these people are the ones who can make you smile no matter what your goin through. these people are the ones who take your breath away. they are the ones who make you feel alive.
they are the ones that remind us that this life is worth living.
they are gifts
divine deposits into our lives from a Holy and Perfect God.
these people… are the ones we care about the most. the ones we’d do anything for. and our relationships with these people are the relationships we strive for the hardest. the ones we constantly work to better. the ones that matter the most.
because – simply put. you love that person. more than life itself. more than coffee…. more than hugs… you love that person.
and WHEN – not if – you mess up…. these are the relationships – the people… whos forgiveness we ask for first. we dont wait. we dont try to make excuses….
just a simple-
i was wrong
i am sorry
please forgive me?
thats all that we can do. we recognize that we’ve hurt this special person. and although we hate that fact… we can not change it. we simply have to ask for forgiveness.
which is what i need to do.
i was wrong
im sorry
please forgive me?
ive no time for any deep or profound blogging tonite.
as you can tell – the past 10 days or so have been hectic. or… better put – dowright utterly crazy.
i moved last weekened, and am now blogging to you straight from my new (and 1st) apartment. to say things moved quickly? an understatement. i looked at the apt. for the first time last week monday. looked again on tuesday. started the paperwork on wednesday. finnished it up on friday and was moved in completely on saturday.
scary.
i know.
my entire existence is now summed up in 3 characters
2 4 0
240.
my nuber. a number that i have been labled so that pizza men can find my apartment. junk mail people can send me crap.
and so that my small apartment in this big wide world can be unique. 240. its not just a number.
its part of who i am.
and if anything, who i am is constantly changing.
i am a completely new person now. i no longer live under my parents roof. someone else does.
i no longer live in the house i spent my adolesence.
i have a new home
a new life
a new me
this is who i am. i may not be right. i may not be perfect. but its who i am. its changing.
its me
this, is the life i think im living.
and i am officially welcoming you to – the very begining… of chapter 2.
-adieu
so…
this is where i find myself. sitting inside my empty room. in my empty house. wishing i was in my nice warm bed. waiting for the stupid freakin dryer. and i dont even have a place to sit while i wait….grrr
anyway
i just read this a moment ago. its cut from an article from Relevant Magazine. the link directly to the article is posted below…….Maybe I have lived in this fallen world so long that I have forgotten that there ever was an Eden, that there really is One who loves me without condition, even when I eat too much, or when I burn the spaghetti, or have an incredibly arrogant thought, or fail to love my neighbor. When I’m not dreaming, I’ve become a Christian on a mission to be ‘real. I mock Christian lingo. I roll my eyes if I have to hear one more time about what ‘God’s doing’ in someone’s life or how ‘awesome’ someone’s time of prayer was this morning. But I’m not real. I’m just calloused. I’m just calloused because I am afraid. I’m afraid to find out what it means to take God at His word, to believe that if I delight myself in Him, He will be faithful to give me the desires of my heart.….
read the full article here
today was it. the day i recieved my first paycheck for my new job.
odd feeling. very odd.
@ that moment i was holding in my hand a piece of paper that now symbolized a good portion of my life. i still dont know what to think of it. i havent even opened it yet.
odd feeling. very odd.
well. its 1am and i am exhausted.
tomorrow? apartment hunting.
wanna come? know of anyone renting?
gimme a buzz….
anywho — i realize that ive been sparse lately… itll pick up. i promise
until the next installment of the life i think im living my name is pj
cheers
minor addition to my last post.
i know that by posting anything on my blog opens my life up for the world to read.
however – if you do read the blog… id kindly ask that you refrain from gossiping.
my blog is my way of venting. sometimes i need to vent things that arent the nicest.
and sometimes i need to vent things that arent the easiest to talk about to other people who dont hear about it directly from me. so my life is open to questions, but please – dont spread my news to other people.
thanks
cheers.
divorce.the word i never thought id hear. the word i consider to be akin to death. or, rather – to a horrible painful tormented slow dying. not so much the release of death – just the rendering in two of what “God” brought together.
it was brought up in a conversation with my mother about a week and a half ago.
on march 11 – America remembered a moment… a day… a single act that changed and impacted who we were. they remembered september 11.
on march 13 – i remembered a moment… a day… the culmination of many years that will forever change and impact who i am to become. i remembered september 13.
on september 11 – the world changed
on september 13 – MY world changed.
my family left for texas to try to save my sisters life. 9/13/02 will forever be remembered as the day my life changed.
and now. 6 months and 9 days after they arrived in texas. my family are considered legal texas residents. so as of 3/15/02 – my mom can file for divorce.
and thats the plan. to rip asunder that which “God” put together. i remember all the times ive sat through weddings – “let no man rend that which God has put together”… or however that goes.
interesting. very interesting
so here i am. 22 years old and i feel like im 5.
i feel like my world has been ripped apart.
i feel like im going to have to chose sides.
and i cant.
if i cant have both – i dont want either
my dad never beat my mom
he wasnt ever unfaithful
yet – mom has the oppurtunity (and the backing of everyone in tx) to destroy all that remains of this marriage.
and my dad – who hasnt done squat to make things better – is continuing in his delusions…
and here i am. the poor little 5 year old. whos parents dont love each other anymore.
i always thought that – if your parents were ever to split, it would be easier if your older. i dont think that way anymore.
i got to talk to the mother of a friend of mine earlier this week. her parents split when she was in her 20s. she labled what id been feeling. she said – “i felt totally helpless, i felt like i was a 5 year old”.
so i sat at the station (wdcz – im a board operator) last week wednesday. and listened as my mom questioned every single thing i considered to be solid in my life. from my decision to stay up here – to the “holy” act of matrimony. all in one conversation… while at work. and i called all happy because i had gotten a new job. she wasnt even excited. i got more of a “so hes seirously not gonna come down here” response. made for a fun day. really.
i wish i could cry. for once, i want to be able to drop my guard completely. fall on my knees and just cry. i havent cried…i mean really cried… in almost 7 months. i want to drop all the masks… have the world go away and just begin the healing process. maybe even learn to trust again. i hate being jaded. so cynical and so easily angered. my fuse is so short at times.
–desiring the way thing were will never lead anywhere. i have to press on. and just…
i dont know what to do
just what?
learn to adjust?
adjust to what?
6 months from now, all i see is my dad being homeless and totally shut out of my moms life.
homeless.
this is what i think about. this is the vision i have for the future. this is the dream i have when im asleep. this is my reality.
homeless.
its so simple – it hurts. he is wrong. but, he believes in what hes doing with all he has. all he has. i had hoped that maybe in this world, giving your all would be all that was asked.
maybe i was wrong.
i guess i took for granted some things in this life that i shouldnt have.
a five year old expected to navigate this life totally alone – that may not be who i am. but its who i feel like.
–cheers.
one entire facet of my being can be described in something as small as that.
18%.
see – i got this new job. (whoopdeedoo:-)) and its an inside sales consultant job. and they asked me to take a personality test to see exactly what type of person i am. i despise those type of tests. however – the whole of my expierence with them can be summed up in two phrases “internet – stupid”. so i’d never actually had a real one. i walked in very cynical. walked out amazed.
on a scale of 50% being the average persons level of trust (0% being not at all trusting and 100% being very trusting…) i scored 18
that means that 78% of the population on earth is more trusting than i am.
anyway
quote for the day (paraphrased)
Every dark cloud has a sliver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it
many thanks to my friends @ despair.com for their inspiration
they are the wind beneath my bullet riddled wings:-)
anyway… until the next installment of this life i think im living
i dont trust you….. hehehe
adieu
hey everyone.
im writing to simply ask for your prayers.
i -most likely- need to have a new place to live in exactly one week from today
and i still dont know where that is.
their are a lot of decisions that need to be made
and i know i cant make them on my own
so im askin for help
thanks guys.
i promise a more in depth explaination when i can think pseudo-cohesivly
this life i think im living… sometimes, i wonder if its even being lived.
-adieu
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 