Category Archive

i wouldnt call this chapter 4. its more like just a small scrap piece of paper i shoved into my book.

im sick of this. i seriously am.
what i wouldnt give for closure.

something definitive. something that begins to bring the frayed strands of my life back into some semblance of alignment. something that begins to bring completion. normallacy. something that says that “the end is near”. or…. “keep going because you’re almost there”.

maybe its somewhat greedy of me to wonder why i should continue to keep pressing on.

new subject.

honesty and openess. according to a “comprehensive personality profile” i took for my job, i prefer honest open relationships. i have a very low level of trust. and… oh heck. just read

My social style combines a low degree of trust with a low level of assertiveness. This low trust affects interpersonal relationships because it produces a skepticisim toward the real intentions of others. As a result, I will avoid being completely open and free to interact when being introduced to new acquaintances. Once the acquaintance earns a degree of trust, I become much more relaxed in my relationship and more open with my emotions. In addition, my low level of assertiveness affects interpersonal relationships because I feel I might be too easily manipulated or controlled by others. A defense mechanism will more than likely be employed to protect my vulnerability. The interaction of these two characterists, low trust and low assertiveness, result in my maintaining a more controlled approach to new relationships.

a “more controlled approach to new relationships” and “a defense mechanism”.
hmm… i seriously hate my defense mechanism. i can feel it click into gear and i feel completely and totally powerless to stop it. its like a wall that just pops up. i dont intentionally do it. i despise when it happens. and i’ve no clue what to do when it happens.

the more i live
the more i (hopefully) learn.

and if i learned anything this week, its that life seems to be a very delicate balancing act. one at which i am an utter failure at. it is not possible to live in a way that doesnt piss somebody off. it really isnt. which then denotes the question – why try? why do i even bother.

i guess, in all honesty – you’re hearing the fearful cries of a wounded heart. you’re hearing me fighting against my ‘defense mechanism’. you’re hearing me trying to wade through the repeating tapes of my failures, of my hurts, of who i think i am.

i spent this week waking up screaming from the american dream.

and ive realized, i dont want it. im not living for the american dream. i dont care about a good retirement. i dont care about a nice freakin ‘nest egg’. i dont need a vacation house in cancun or the ability to move to florida when im 65. this life was meant to be lived.

i dont know how, and i dont see the way… but somehow… i hope that my living will bring me to the place where i understand how to truly live. because i know im not now. i know i can not be truly living. if this is truly living – then this life i think im living isnt worth the cost. i was born for something more. i was born for something beyond the sum total of my parts.

i dont know what.

i just know im restless.

welcome to my life
welcome to the struggle to live
welcome to this life i think im living.

chapter 2.
paragraph 3.
sentence 1.

life is confusing.

and scary. and strange. consider it the big unknown.

a giant leap into an unfathomable void.

and sometimes it just sucks.

my sister got a dog today! she bought a lil chiuaua mix thing. his name is biscut. and he weighs (puppy) 4 or 5 lbs. big dog huh?

i ended up calling down to talk to them because today is my moms birthday. moms birthday. and both of the men in her life… well, im 1700 miles away…..

God i miss her.

well. its almost midnite. and no matter how hard i try… i cant stop time.
this life i think im living will continue on. with, or without me. its a comforting thought. to know that life goes on. but it also tells you that life will run you over.

ok. so enough of my depressed, exhausted, mentally and emotionally drained mindless meanderings…

im off to dream land…or somethin

until this life i think im living brings me chapter 4 –
adieu

ive no time for any deep or profound blogging tonite.
as you can tell – the past 10 days or so have been hectic. or… better put – dowright utterly crazy.

i moved last weekened, and am now blogging to you straight from my new (and 1st) apartment. to say things moved quickly? an understatement. i looked at the apt. for the first time last week monday. looked again on tuesday. started the paperwork on wednesday. finnished it up on friday and was moved in completely on saturday.

scary.
i know.

my entire existence is now summed up in 3 characters
2 4 0

240.

my nuber. a number that i have been labled so that pizza men can find my apartment. junk mail people can send me crap.
and so that my small apartment in this big wide world can be unique. 240. its not just a number.
its part of who i am.

and if anything, who i am is constantly changing.

i am a completely new person now. i no longer live under my parents roof. someone else does.
i no longer live in the house i spent my adolesence.
i have a new home
a new life
a new me

this is who i am. i may not be right. i may not be perfect. but its who i am. its changing.
its me

this, is the life i think im living.

and i am officially welcoming you to – the very begining… of chapter 2.

-adieu

so…
this is where i find myself. sitting inside my empty room. in my empty house. wishing i was in my nice warm bed. waiting for the stupid freakin dryer. and i dont even have a place to sit while i wait….grrr
anyway

today was it. the day i recieved my first paycheck for my new job.
odd feeling. very odd.

@ that moment i was holding in my hand a piece of paper that now symbolized a good portion of my life. i still dont know what to think of it. i havent even opened it yet.

odd feeling. very odd.

well. its 1am and i am exhausted.

tomorrow? apartment hunting.
wanna come? know of anyone renting?
gimme a buzz….

anywho — i realize that ive been sparse lately… itll pick up. i promise

until the next installment of the life i think im living my name is pj

cheers

minor addition to my last post.
i know that by posting anything on my blog opens my life up for the world to read.
however – if you do read the blog… id kindly ask that you refrain from gossiping.
my blog is my way of venting. sometimes i need to vent things that arent the nicest.
and sometimes i need to vent things that arent the easiest to talk about to other people who dont hear about it directly from me. so my life is open to questions, but please – dont spread my news to other people.

thanks

cheers.

divorce.the word i never thought id hear. the word i consider to be akin to death. or, rather – to a horrible painful tormented slow dying. not so much the release of death – just the rendering in two of what “God” brought together.

it was brought up in a conversation with my mother about a week and a half ago.

on march 11 – America remembered a moment… a day… a single act that changed and impacted who we were. they remembered september 11.
on march 13 – i remembered a moment… a day… the culmination of many years that will forever change and impact who i am to become. i remembered september 13.

on september 11 – the world changed
on september 13 – MY world changed.

my family left for texas to try to save my sisters life. 9/13/02 will forever be remembered as the day my life changed.

and now. 6 months and 9 days after they arrived in texas. my family are considered legal texas residents. so as of 3/15/02 – my mom can file for divorce.
and thats the plan. to rip asunder that which “God” put together. i remember all the times ive sat through weddings – “let no man rend that which God has put together”… or however that goes.

interesting. very interesting

so here i am. 22 years old and i feel like im 5.
i feel like my world has been ripped apart.
i feel like im going to have to chose sides.
and i cant.
if i cant have both – i dont want either

my dad never beat my mom
he wasnt ever unfaithful

yet – mom has the oppurtunity (and the backing of everyone in tx) to destroy all that remains of this marriage.
and my dad – who hasnt done squat to make things better – is continuing in his delusions…

and here i am. the poor little 5 year old. whos parents dont love each other anymore.
i always thought that – if your parents were ever to split, it would be easier if your older. i dont think that way anymore.

i got to talk to the mother of a friend of mine earlier this week. her parents split when she was in her 20s. she labled what id been feeling. she said – “i felt totally helpless, i felt like i was a 5 year old”.

so i sat at the station (wdcz – im a board operator) last week wednesday. and listened as my mom questioned every single thing i considered to be solid in my life. from my decision to stay up here – to the “holy” act of matrimony. all in one conversation… while at work. and i called all happy because i had gotten a new job. she wasnt even excited. i got more of a “so hes seirously not gonna come down here” response. made for a fun day. really.

i wish i could cry. for once, i want to be able to drop my guard completely. fall on my knees and just cry. i havent cried…i mean really cried… in almost 7 months. i want to drop all the masks… have the world go away and just begin the healing process. maybe even learn to trust again. i hate being jaded. so cynical and so easily angered. my fuse is so short at times.

–desiring the way thing were will never lead anywhere. i have to press on. and just…

i dont know what to do

just what?

learn to adjust?
adjust to what?

6 months from now, all i see is my dad being homeless and totally shut out of my moms life.

homeless.

this is what i think about. this is the vision i have for the future. this is the dream i have when im asleep. this is my reality.

homeless.

its so simple – it hurts. he is wrong. but, he believes in what hes doing with all he has. all he has. i had hoped that maybe in this world, giving your all would be all that was asked.

maybe i was wrong.

i guess i took for granted some things in this life that i shouldnt have.

a five year old expected to navigate this life totally alone – that may not be who i am. but its who i feel like.

–cheers.