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went to the dentist today. fun little time getting going this morning. i forgot my wallet almost 1/4 of the way there so i had to turn around, find the wallet and then haul to get to the appt. 10 minutes late. ah well. could be worse. i dont like the dentist. but hey, at least i dont have to turn my head and cough. lets keep things in perspective:-)
perspective. its a hard thing to keep sometimes. especially with my dad.
if there was one specific thing – in this life i think im living – that could be described as an enigma, it would be my relationship with my dad.
on the one hand, im in awe of any man who would work for 30 years and be an expert in his field (electrical and mechanical maintnance) and after two layoffs, take a job waiting tables just to try to make ends meet in cruel and unforgiving world. he’s waiting tables. 30 years of work – expierence – wisdom. all for nought? tell me, exactly why would i want to plan out 5 years of my life, if… 30 years from now – i can look forward to minimum wage plus tips.
what really amazes me, he isnt complaining. he hasnt been allowed to see his family in months. christmas? christmas he spent alone. completely alone. He got to see his only son (me) for about 3 total minutes on my 22nd birthday. he isnt allowed to talk to his daughters. and his wife isnt even wearing her wedding band anymore. he rents a small room. and has absolutely no one to talk to. he lives in the same town as the rest of my family and yet he is competely alone.
and he is surviving.
that brings perspective
on the other hand, he could be – and probably is – the cause to most of the problems that our family is going through.
during the course of the day, i think we talked 7 times. i know, that this isnt the actions of a healthy man. but again… what would you do in his situation? i dont know.
im not sure what to think. what to feel. what to do. or even how to react. questions. all questions and no answers. questions about the future, about myself. would i take a job waiting tables? WAITING TABLES!!!! MY DAD IS WAITING FREAKING TABLES.
i guess maybe im looking for a guarentee of some sort. a promise – that my life wont end up like his. that my marriage, will be better. and maybe, that life is worth living.
or maybe, im just looking for a promise that things wont always be like this. that life wont always hurt. and that somehow.. sometime… my family will be ok again.
all i have to do is look to you
and i will never be the same
my lifes been changed
and like a child
i will play despite the rain
there isn’t much else to do is there?
ill see you in the storm
until the next installment of the life i think im living
have a cookie
and in tonites recap of the days events…
yesterday ended with a 4am nite. or morning. either way, i wasnt in bed till past 4. up and movin 6.5 hours later. had a lunch meeting with a pastor at my church. all in all, it went well. he encouraged me to “plan out” the next FIVE YEARS of my life. not a “this is your life, you must do everything you put on paper” type deal. more like just a roadmap of where i’d like to be.
thats what the whole thing revolved around. “pj, where do you see yourself in 5 years”.
5 years? oh my lord. i can hardly go 2 months from now. i dont have ANY idea where i want to be in 5 years. not a clue. their are so many things id like to do, so many things id like to be…. but i cant see the tangibleness of thinkin that far in advance when my family is falling apart. i dunno… does it seem a lil greedy to you? this is what I want? i dunno.
if i have learned anything these past five months – ive learned that “what i want” doesnt matter. period. it just simply doesnt matter. life never asks permission. my heart? my heart is to simply be where HE wants me to be 5 years from now. i seriously dont care what im doing. i really dont.
now. the question remains… is it my own personal distrust and cynicism regarding pastors in general playing into my distaste for the whole thing? or is the whole thing seriosly a waste of time? that question – and the many more probably to follow – will be unanswerable in and of myself. thats His job. my job? to remain submissive. to be where he wants me to be when he wants me to be there.
i dont remember any of the disciples having a 5 year plan for their lives. i dont remember moses, or abraham getting one either. all i remember…are two very simple and very profoud words – Follow Me. thats what im gonna do.
now, if -in this following. i should have a 5 year plan… then yeah. i will. and who knows. maybe ill even start it tomorow. i just wish i knew what i wanted. or better yet, what He wants.
either way, the sandwich i had for lunch was highly unimpressive. and the $21 fee for the mediocre food we ate was appaling. but hey. free food
and yeah, i just realized ive got a dentist appt. tomorrow. so i should be crashing soon.
so ill leave you with this – my song of the day
Bring it On
steven curtis chapman
I didn�t come lookin� for trouble
And I don�t want to fight needlessly
But I�m not gonna hide in a bubble
If trouble comes for me
I can feel my heart beating faster
I can tell something�s coming down
But if it�s gonna make me grow stronger then�
Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let the trouble come, let the hard rain fall, let it make me strong
Bring it on
Now, maybe you�re thinkin� I�m crazy
And maybe I need to explain some things
�Cause I know I�ve got an enemy waiting
Who wants to bring me pain
But what he never seems to remember
What he means for evil God works for good
So I will not retreat or surrender
Now, I don�t want to sound like some hero
�Cause it�s God alone that my hope is in
But I�m not gonna run from the very things
That would drive me closer to Him
So bring it on
Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let the trouble come, let it make me fall on the One who�s strong
Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let me be made weak so I�ll know the strength of the One who�s strong
Bring it on
Bring it on
until the next update from the life i think im living
have yourself a pleasant nite
-adieu
hobbes said something today that seemed rather profound. in response to a question from calvin. calvin was wondering why we were given the ability to laugh at the absurd things in life. we find absurdity amusing… and he was pondering this outloud when hobbes answered
“I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that dont make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life.”
what would we have if we couldn’t laugh at the things that we dont understand. not that i’m implying that we always have to laugh. or that we will always be able to laugh. but when there is no other recourse… sometimes all we can do is let go and laugh.
not that ive obtained that level yet. im still working on the ability to let go. and im pretty sure that the laughter will come.
ok. ive tried to put feelings into words for about an hour and a half now. its not gonna happen.
so…
nite
couple of things before i crash.
i stopped by my old place of employment today. first time i’ve done it and actually not literally ran through the place w/out saying hi to anyone. weird – to say the least. definetly weird.
i got this wonderful reception from two of the girls there and the manager on duty acted really cold…..oh well…
moving quickly along… lets revive something i havent done in quite a few nites….
todays “word of the day” – is brought to you by paper shredders – protecting enrons future for 2 years:-)
our word of the day is “loneliness”
my personal friend Mr Webster describes “loneliness” as:
1 a : being without company : LONE b : cut off from others : SOLITARY
2 : not frequented by human beings : DESOLATE
3 : sad from being alone : LONESOME
4 : producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation
ive come to the conclusion.. or actually, the realization – that ive lived the past 5 months desperate for someone to ‘miss’ me when i wasnt around. i was lonely. simply – lonely.
ive realized that a certain formerly close friendship that is now much less intimate, was a major player in my emotional life. i lived – so to speak – for the simple fact that this specific person “missed” me when i wasnt around. and i honestly, didnt even realize it. i craved the attention i would get… and i would ignore the obvious truth that this relationship was extremely unhealthy. i loved – outright loved – that i was missed. that someone – noticed when i left… and when i came “home”. i loved being needed. friendships, even this one, had many redeeming qualities. but, our responsiblity as friends – is to enjoy the redeeming qualities, while doing all we can to change the negative ones. i did to much enjoying, and not enough changing….
so, ive made a concious choice to not live the rest of -this life i think im living- making ANY choices based on any feelings of loneliness i may have. i didnt even realize what i was doing and i ended up risking so much.
i never thought that i was succeptible to such a basic urge.. to simply “be” with someone. i thought i was stronger than that… honestly.. i never even worried about it.
loneliness causes self pity. and we will do lots of stupid things when we feel sorry for ourselves… we’ll do basically anything to feel loved, cherrished, special, irreplaceable… adequate.
for 21 years of my life – every time i walked through the doors to my house – i had all those things. now i dont. and now i realize i cant search for those things.
armed with this relization – its time to war. its time to, in essence… walk out.. what ive learned. something else i need to let go of. something else, thats imbedded in my heart that i know needs to be burned out.
if, for nothing more.. than because “He who does not learn from the past is destined to repeat it”.
i am so so sorry. for all that ive done.
“Difficult as it is really to listen to someone in affliction, it is just as difficult for him to know that compassion is listening to him.”
-Simone Weil
no thoughts. just a good quote.
more later tonite
WOO-STINKIN-HOO.
i have comments!
lets do a contest. the first person to leave me a comment will win the honor…
of being the first person to leave me a comment!
woohoo!
ok.
to answer vals question – the company that was askin for a ton of time for zero pay was some advertising and marketing company. i dont even know there name. they never told it to me. and the feeling you got when you walked into their “offices” was somthing akin to walking into a drug dealers wharehouse. akin to knowing that you could show up for work one day – and everything is GONE. the whole place is empty…
and just for the record
i have seen Startwars Ep. 1. i know what a padawan is. and i was just being a dork eariler. a good dork:-)
ok. off to get the rest of my day going
until next time
have a wonderful day!
after talkin with a friend from cali, i was reminded of something i came up with.
its my own way of explaining how men and women differ
men – are like coffee makers. you put in coffee – you put in water… you flick a switch… poof, coffee
we do one thing, and we do it well.
women.. are like espresso makers. insanely confusing and thousands of possible ways to mess things up
if you act stupidly….
hehehe:-)
thanks randy🙂
welcome to the 2am news.
our top story tonite – pj deftly doged a completely wasted day by calling and cancelling an interview today. the company he was to interview with (whom authorities have asked to remain anonymous) was asking for 50-60 hours of work a week for only $20,000 a year. and the interview was to last 8 hours. our sources tell us that around 9:45 this morning, PJ called and politely cancelled.
in other work related news, PJ has a interview with another unnamed company tomorrow. and he also must return the call of yet another corporation…
now on to entertainment news: i hate to say it – but NBC now stands for “nothing but crap”…. the once “must see” king of thursday nites has fallen prey to a group of 20something actors demanding a million-freakin-dollars PER EPISDOE for some really horrid acting and screenwriting. and the former top show, NBCs “er” dropped outta the “best show” category like a fat kid in dodgeball. somehow – the wonderful writers decided that people didnt want an incredible TV show, they wanted another soap opera. well, not to ruin what happened, but Doc Greens tumor is back, hes havin trouble with his second wife and some guy decided to light up while working in his fume infested garage and obviously turned himself into a human grill… oh well. on to better shows like CSI:-)
and now – our
Top 5 Things that happened today
5. Val mentioned me in her blog today!
4. She called me a padawan. WooHoo… now, what exactly that means… ill never know.
3. Two words – Cof Fee
2. Two words – Cof Fee
1. Two Words – Mt. Dew
1. watched friends with friends:-)
hey, its my blog… so if i want two “1”s – i can do it.
and yeah, to wrap the evening up. im listening to lifehouse right now. seems to be the band of the moment. nothin really deep to say tonite.
well, one thing.
i would never have asked to be alive in this time had i known the hell i would go through – but now, looking back and yeah… maybe even forward… i wouldnt trade this moment… these days… or this life – for all the money in the world.
i may not have all the ansewrs… but no one does. im just gonna keep walking…
thanks for listening… and yeah… ill talk to you again…
until the next installment of the life i think im living
nite
ended up reading Vals blog before i started to type. i was tempted for a moment – to steal her song for my song of the day, but then i realized… pissing off a PMSing woman is about as inteligent as walking into a lion cage wearing “meat” scented cologne… not the greatest analogy, but what do you expect @ 2:30am?
this being the second time ive tried posting this.. im probably going to be brief. just a few thoughts on circumstances and such that ive been mulling over.
ive spent the last few days realizing how much my heart is wrapped around… and beats for… bethel. it may sound childish… and honestly – thats the best description i can come up with as to how i feel. in awe, amazed… child like. that hey – i spent some of today doing whatever it was i could to help out… in the house He chooses to live in.
i dont have ‘career goals’. i dont have ‘plans for retirement’. i just want to be with Him.
and i honestly dont know if thats an ok thing anymore. simply because, i dont want a job where i cant give everything i am too it. i dont want to sell insureance… or advertising. those are both great things… but they will never fulfill me. never.
i just want to do something i can pour all of who i am into. knowing that i did everything in my power to better this life i think im living…
i dunno – maybe im totally wrong.
until next time
sometimes, all it takes to be inspired is a moment in time spent realizing that you’re not the only one going through hell.
sometimes, that moment of inspiration isnt anything deep or spectacular. just a realization that you’re not totally alone. their are other people on this road your walking. even when, as a wise woman once said, there arent any roadmaps when you forge your own trail… we still have people… or even one person – who cares about us enough to be real with us.
sometimes, that one person… is God.
im not 100% sure where im headin with this.
i may not be headed anywhere.
Lord take me, from this place
into a world that has no time
no hurries
no worries
gladly i leave it them all behind
i am letting go
im drawing near
i wanna sing
i wanna fly
i wanna see from Your side of the sky
i wanna love
i wanna stay
wanna be close to You
long after the music fades
Lord, i come to give You
much more than just a melody
please take me
and break me
right now -God- i dont want to leave
unchanged
i never want to be the same
i wanna sing
i wanna fly
i wanna see from Your side of the sky
i wanna love
i wanna stay
wanna be close to you
long after the music fades
You are mighty,
awesome
righteous
gracious
knowing
in me – overflowing
father
teacher
master
leader
jealous
loving
you are
thats become my new creed. i wanna sing / i wanna fly / i wanna see from Your side of the sky / i wanna love / i wanna stay / wanna be close to you / long after the music fades He is life, He is Love, He is everything Im needing.
my mind is running 100 different directions right now. im wishing i knew a method of releasing built up frustrations and anger… and at the same time – im thinkin about the quote in my earlier blog. maybe i do have some thoughts on it.
the quote can be taken @ least 2 ways. in the end, we will remember the silence of our friends. silence can be a bad thing – when our friends should have stood up and said something. or it can be a good thing. when – in an ultimate display of wisdom- your friends hold their tounges and offer friendship and love in the simplest form known to man. just “being there”.
ok. im going to stop allowing myself to stress over all the crap in my head – wishing i could get it on paper… and im just gonna crash.
nite
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 