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i dont really know where im headed tonight other than to offer you a taste of whats been on my heart. of what im longing for.
hope. its been my theme recently. finding it. defining it. defining what it means to me; and what it is and should be, to me.
is it weird that i find more hope from modern media than from modern christianity? is it weird that what speaks to me, that what gives me hope isn’t the 10:30am sermons every sunday? its not the orchestral music or the 3 points to (insert your favorite christian topic here) message.
its realness. realness gives me hope. its seeing people who are chosen. who stumble, who fall, who are unsure and weak and scared and, a lot of the time, lost… but they know. they have a purpose. they’ve been given a mission and like it or not, its theres to complete.
its a realness that allows me, even if for a time, to feel normal. to feel like i fit in somewhere. because for so long, ive not felt that.
im learning more the simple fact that hope is not a pretty thing. its not flowers and sunshine, birds and rainbows. hope isn’t pretty. its stubborn, torn, bloodied and at times gruesome…. its the drive that keeps us going when everything else is lost. its the internal reminder of a bigger picture. of the calling on our lives.
they give me hope. that maybe, in the midst of the chaos of life, and more so, the chaos of the heart, there is still a mission to be carried out. there are still battles to fight, and win. there is still a calling. there can still be passion.the world can still be changed. and there can still be love.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: But it ain’t all buttons and charts, little albatross. You know what the first rule of flying is? Well I suppose you do, since you already know what I’m about to say.
River Tam: I do. But I like to hear you say it.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Love. You can know all the math in the ‘verse, but take a boat in the air you don’t love, and she’ll shake you off just as sure as the turning of worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down, tells ya she’s hurting before she keels. Makes her home.
River Tam: Storm’s getting worse.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: We’ll pass through it soon enough.
Serenity
somewhere over the past few weeks, ive stopped feeling. ive gone from living life, to slipping into neutral and just coasting. ive traded my emotions for a painted on smile; and hopes made of dust.
and even with all thats gone on in my life the past few weeks, i cant even post. this is literally my fifth or sixth attempt.
i want to know that this isnt it. i want to know that there is more. i want a big giant reminder that life is going to continue. that there is more to what is in store for me than just this. i want to know that there is a reason to hope… because somehow, ive stopped hoping.
i want to know there is more. i want to be reminded of a destiny.
i want to know that im far from over. that there is a hope to be had. that dreams are still worth dreaming. and life is meant to be lived fully.
and even if it means confronting these areas in my heart where there is nothing but hurt. where im still lost, and crying and…. these areas that still ache, then so be it.
because i cannot live life, as it was meant to be lived… not feeling.
there are times in our life when we must let out a cry. a cry that resonates from within us, but at times, is so drowned out by the noise and numbness of the everyday that we lose it. that we forget it is there.
we forget that this life is meant to be lived fully. that people are worth loving. and there are eyes that see through our tears, our fears and the years we wasted and still love us.
we forget that there is a thing called destiny. that dreams were meant to be chased. and that love is worth the cost.
we forget that life…. is just that. it is life.
we lose sight of this cry. of this passion that is birthed in each of us to reach out, take a hold of whatever strands of cord life throws at us and stubbornly refuses to let go. we lose sight of the determination to make new friends, experience new things…
and maybe, if were lucky… find this thing called love.
dont give up on me yet
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
this day
all i want is You
there is no one else
who can take Your place
ive seen it all
and its never enough
it keeps leaving me needing You
take me away
take me away
ive got nothing left to say
just take me away
its finally happened. the paperwork has been filled out. all that is needed now is a trip to the courthouse. my parents divorce is only days away.
its been 5 years to get to this point. and now that its almost here, i have no idea how to feel. to be honest, im not even sure ‘if’ i feel. i feel numb. and in more situations than just this one.
i mean, come on, this is huge. isnt it? or at this point, is it a non-event? is this parsley on the dinner plate; the ‘final touch’ but basically pointless?
i know, its good to have it on paper, legally. but wow, i dont feel anything.
i wrote the following back in july 2006, while on vacation in florida. i was dealing with a lot of different thoughts and emotions and i felt… i hurt. and i wrote. and this was what came out.
july 2006
more than a thousand miles from the place i call home, and less than a thousand feet from the atlantic ocean. welcome to my vacation. im about halfway through my time here in florida. the weather has been beautiful. hot, but unlike texas, a constant breeze. and the nice thing is that it actually cools off in the evening. I have had a productive few days; ive made friends with the local wildlife (that being, we now have 2 or 3 families of ducks that come right up to the sliding glass door on our deck looking for breakfast / lunch / dinner / snack), ive learned that playing chicken with waves when the tide is coming in all but guarantees that you will lose and ive driven all over I95 and can tell you quite a bit about it.
and on a different level, at dinner today i realized that im not as infatuated with “fun” and “doing things” as i once was.
maybe its because of how long its been since i spent more than a few hours with those i consider close friends. with people from NY. but im realizing something the longer im here. i dont want fun. i honestly dont. id give up all the fun of this week for 2 hours, 2 solid hours of uninterrupted, unhindered, open, honest communication. id love to just be honest and real with someone, anyone. id love to meet someone here other than the cute but non-communicative feathered natives. i mean; they honk, and they’re very adapt at letting you know exactly what they want, but they dont make the best beach walking companions.
maybe its me, maybe im simply sabotaging my own chances of having exactly what i want. maybe im…. afraid of speaking up and saying, “you know what, i really dont want to spend the day walking around outlet malls” and “no, im not ok. im not ok with life. im not ok. i miss my sister. i hurt. my god i hurt. and i just want to stop hurting”.
maybe im simply realizing that im angry. angry at God for the past two, heck… 5 years. angry at the loss. at the take-your-breath-away feelings of loss and abandonment. maybe im realizing that i cannot continue to be angry, to be hurt; but that i must start asking the hard questions. i need to realize that wounds cannot heal until they are felt. i cannot experience the life i want until i experience the life i have. until i let myself feel the hurt, the pain, the abandonment, the questions of why. the screaming that is ablaze inside of me cannot be quenched. no amount of retail therapy or quiet sessions on the beach, no amount of good times or hanging out with those i consider friends will put out the fire that is fueled by hurts that go beyond emotion and scar the very fabric of our beings. soul hurts are the hardest to heal, because for some reason we humans believe firmly that they are things we should never talk about.
im dying to talk. i guess thats what im getting at. im dying for someone to simply say they care. i dont have any idea where to go with these feelings. and im lost as to how to handle them.
maybe thats where having a father figure comes in handy. i mean, im 26 years old and im slowly coming to the conclusion that if you have a father figure in your life for only one period, it would be between 18 and 25. those are, for me anyway, the times when who i was began to fade and the man i am to be, started to form. and im sitting here now and i can honestly tell you i have no idea what it means to be a man. none. period.
im lost. and that thought scares me more than anything. i have NO idea how to act around a woman. now, dont get me wrong, i can treat a lady right and i can be the gentleman…. but im 26, and im single.
i dont know how to handle the overwhelming feelings of utter incapability to be who i am supposed to be. a breadwinner, the head of a household, maybe even a father of my own one day. and yet, on that same token, i cannot imagine bringing kids into the picture. i dont have a clue on how to be a father, so why would i want to bring children into the picture?
im realizing that i dont even know how to judge my own growth.
im reading “to own a dragon” by donald miller right now. its his reflections on growing up without a father figure. i only picked it up yesterday and its already moved me to tears. i see myself in his writings. its scary.
don talks about a special he saw on the national geographic channel a few years ago. a documentary on elephants. 20 orphaned elephants that were rescued and brought to a wildlife preserve. he spoke of watching these adolescent males enter into well, puberty. and how during this one time in puberty (that mind you, is supposed to only last for a few days) an elephant in the wild separates himself from his mother and begins to seek out an older, more mature male elephant. when found, these two become almost inseparable. the elder male teaching the younger the finer points about being an elephant; how to handle the pressures, feelings, strengths and weaknesses that elephants inherently have. and the younger elephant offering protection to the older male.
its during this time in an elephants life that elephant children die, and the elephant adult is born.
unfortunately, the adolescent males that the documentary followed were unable to find elder males to help shape, mold and guide them. this led to a period of ‘sexual frustration’ which was only supposed to last a few days turning into a much longer ordeal. these physically adult males were lost. they had no idea how to handle the stresses, pressures and feelings which burned inside of them…. and it led to outbursts which i did not realize happened in nature.
these young elephants would amble up beside an unsuspecting rhinoceros at a water hole and with no warning would plunge their tusks into the rhino, pinning it beneath the water until it drowned.
they were that frustrated. and that lost.
i am that frustrated. and that lost.
maybe youre one of the lucky ones who grew up in an intact home. who never had to feel the sting of being left behind, of losing all you hold dear. maybe you dont know what it means to have the closest person to you walk away, walk out of your life and never look back. if you are, consider yourself lucky.
there has been this ache, following me. overflowing into everything ive done the past few days. and the thing is, ive no idea where it is coming from or how to handle it.
im on vaction. and i cannot get over this. i dont even know what “this” is. im just, lost. and hurting. so much.
and i want to go home.
can you believe that? im on vacation, and i dont fly out for another 3 days…. but all i can think about is how desperately i want to go home. my god there must be something wrong with me.
maybe i had this idea of how this vacation was going to go. maybe i had too many hopes and dreams of refreshing, of revitalization, of renewing and re-energizing. maybe what i wanted, and what was supposed to happen on this trip dont line up. im not actually sure.
but i do know that i should be able to say that im wishing i handnt spent the money. that i could be working right now and doing something productive with my time.
would someone please tell me what is wrong with me?
———-
i almost feel like i need to post a disclaimer, and say that florida was amazing. because it was. it absolutely was. its 300+ photos of one of the best weeks in my life. it was 8 days with people i love more than life itself. the trip would have been worth 10x what i spent. i dont regret going in the least. heck, im already planning for 2007.
but sometimes even in the midst of paradise we need to deal with the dark areas of the soul. and by writing the above, i was doing just that.
life is not only watching the moon rise over the ocean… its also the fight to simply reach the shore.
what i wrote may not be fully correct, or right. but you know what? it came out of who i am. it came out of the moments, the places inside of my heart that are still beating. it was honesty. and im afraid that im losing that. that im somehow losing the ability to feel things deeply.
i want more of that. i want honesty. i want moments without make believe.
at this point? id rather simply be real and be absolutely wrong; id rather expose the dirt in my heart and simply be real, be the me that i am, than be right and be fake… and die on the inside.
i hunger for the storm. i hunger for the moments when i cant help but rely on someOne else to save. i dont want to be self sufficient.i almost feel like im drowing in this abyss of normalacy. and i dont want that. i dont.
i used believe in
some kind of feeling
that could change everything i thought i knew
but that door has closed
and my heart feels like its frozen
if You hear me
i cant feel You
i know i promised more from my weekend. and i guess this is going to be my attempt at doing just that.
there were so many things i could mention. so many instances of His hand moving, moments where clarity was obvious, where kairos was an understatement. moments where His love was evident and His truth was made clear…
moments i laughed, moments i felt joy, moments i felt pain the sadness of loss. moments of making new memories, and moments of -for the first time- allowing myself to feel the pain of remembering.
moments of fellowship, of grace, and of seeing my friends in a whole new light. moments of true life were scattered throughout the weekend.
but there is one specific moment i want to focus on. and for most of you, it may not matter, but it does for me.
as my head hit the pillow saturday night, happily crashing in the spare bedroom of a friends parents house, a prayer escaped my lips.
“lord, my mom deserves a house like this. a house to call a home. a house she can decorate, put up knick-knacks and have an office. a house she can paint, and renovate, and decorate and make her own. a house she deserves. lord, please help us find the place you want us to call home….”
and something hit me. thats what He wants for us. thats His desire for the hearts of His children.
that we’d allow Him to come in, decorate, renovate and put up knick knacks. that we’d allow Him to make our hearts, His home. and thats what i want. so badly.
i sit here with tears in my eyes. knowing full well that 6 months ago i would have never admitted some of this. but it is what i want.
i want to hear His voice clearly. i want to see His thumbprint in the areas of my heart where i know none exists. i want to be the type of person who can offer his heart to this One who promises to make it only better.
and i want to be able to provide a house for my mom. a house to put up decorations, pictures and knick-knacks. a house my mom can call home.
and i want to have a heart, and a home, that one day maybe someone else will share. with me. for the rest of our lives.
when battle lines become unclear
and the waging war is all i hear
Lord sustain me with Your voice
and the choice to walk in truth
to see the Lord, the promised land
where in those sins pearly gates look bland
and what was once a pearl now sand
that blows away, in light of Him
that i might see this day
this waging war
might go away and be no more
that i might see His face
and hear Him say
Son, welcome home
the war is over
“ones worst enemy is someone who has nothing to lose”
i used to think that this statement was one created to bring dread. meant to almost warn us about meeting someone with nothing to lose. as if they’d become our worst enemy. now im realizing something different.
im realizing that Christ fought for us. He lost everything. and He had to, to be able to fight and walk out the victor. He laid down everything, knowing full well that there was no guarentee of victory in every situation. knowing that not all those He went to battle for, would return His love. and yet He went anyway.
im realizing that one of the highest possible callings on a mans life, is to be called to love a woman. and im realizing that part of this calling, will be the need to fight. to fight for her. to protect her. in every way.
maybe im being premature in even mentioning that this has been stirring in my heart. but i know, that in so many ways, change has begun. and whatever happens, i do not want to stop changing. and should the call come, i want to be ready. ready to fight.
my prayer, should the call ever come, would be that i am found worthy. and until that time, that my heart would not get in the way of laying down at the foot of the Cross, whomever this person is.
someone once said that it was worth it, to know our Maker. and if it takes losing all i am and all i could ever be, to get to the point i need to be; to be capable of being called, then so be it.
its amazing.
how much this hurts.
honestly. and im not sure why. maybe its because ive simply ignored this part of my life for so long. ive been, ‘unhonest’ with myself. ive simply brushed this under the rug for so long.
simply trying to forget. trying to move on. trying to pretend that the lump under the carpet kept growing. rearraging furniture to cover it.
…..
what is wrong with me? why is it so hard here to fit in? what about me, makes living in texas a so ‘non-fit’. its like trying to squeeze into pants you wore in 6th grade. or wearing someone elses broken-in shoes. it just doesnt work.
i can pretend, and for so long… thats what ive been doing. pretending. throwing myself into work. throwing myself into everything i possibly can to simply forget, ignore and distract myself from the growing ache inside of me.
12 hours at work on monday. why? well – it was needed. but its not like i had anything specific to rush home too. i didnt have plans to go out. you know, or a date. coffee. a trip to staples. anything.
ive met people. of course. but you know what i realized? i dont want friends to ‘go hang out with’. i want gut level honesty, i want passion, i want love, i want to laugh and dance and cry and hurt and be real.
i want love. more than anything else…
i. want. love.
for so long, ive felt like a blind man in the land of the seeing. a slave in the land of the free. a freak, in the land of the norm.
and for so long ive fought that off. trust me… when the weekend comes and you’ve really got nothing planned but cleaning, you learn to find things to clean. you’d be amazed how much one can clean, when all ones energies are focused on running towards cleaning and running from the void in your life.
i know that a lot of this has to do with my misaligned focus. i know that ive spent a good part of this most recent past running. from my pain. from hurt. from God.
ive been running from the very one who promises me the very thing i crave. the very substance that i need. the very blood that flows through the veins of real, gut level life. im running from a God who is love.
i must be certifiable. crazy. a complete wacko. and an utter failure in this love thing.
and im absolutely terrified of letting ANYONE get close. that includes you, God. it does. im absolutely terrified of letting you get close. of letting you see the real me. of dropping my barriers, of losing the smile and just being honest with you. im afraid that if i do, if i climb over the walls surrounding my heart, that ill simply be hurt again. that You’ll see how scarred and filthy my heart is… and you’ll leave.
i hate the fact that my ability to trust is directly linked to my personal expierences. i hate that i wont allow myself to trust because of what ive gone through.
im drowing… in a pool…. inches from safety. im simply terrified of getting out of the pool, onto dry land, and letting down my guard.
i can control whats in the pool. i, im “safe” here. and if it means i die treading water, then so be it. because at least im “safe”. right? i mean, im safe. arent i?
what does a real christian look like? seirously now. what does one whos so abandoned themselves to an all loving King truly look like. would i recognize them if i knew them before?
what does finding ones freedom in losing ones self look like? who would i be if i truly let go of my fears? of the things that keep me in my safe little hole? who would i be if i let myself be the real me? what would happen? would i still be loved if people knew who i was? who i could have been?
is true love really the ability to look into the blackness of anothers soul and yet still, amongst the utter ruins, find something lovely… something love-able?
there have been times the past few weeks where ive felt overwhelmed. drowing. drowning in my self. there have been times where ive just felt lost. where these questions are the ones im asking. where the answers to these questions are what im yearning for.
who am i? who could i be? and would i still be love-able?
what would i look like if i truly let go? if i released all hold on my life and let God have His way? would you recognize me? would i?
and how can i stand here with You
and not be moved by You
would You tell me how could it be
any better than this
and not be moved by You
would You tell me how could it be
any better than this
cos You’re all i want
all i need
You’re everything
everything
You’re all i want
You’re all i need
You’re everything
everything
something struck me earlier this evening.
2005 is almost over with.
i know, its october on the calendar. that should be a clue that “hey, the year is drawing to a close”. what hit me harder, was the fact that life still feels like its on hold.
like im circling the airport, the sunset behind me, but there isnt an open runway. my landing gear isnt dropping. “something” is keeping me from the next thing.
part of me is pushing for the next thing. part of me is hungry. unsatisfied. unwilling to accept the “now” in favor of lusting after the “next”. its a void in my life. and i know its there.
but another part of me is quietly wondering if this is the “next”. if i should stop living in the hope of a next and start living in the real of the now.
maybe its because life isnt easy. and we humans dont like to intentionally put ourselves where it hurts. but it does. losing a best friend hurts. watching your sister break down into tears at the mere thought of eating a meal hurts. being totally helpless about both of those situations… it hurts.
and the part of me that is whispering quietly about the benefit of the “now”. is quickly being drowned out by the part of me that is screaming. screaming in frustration. screaming in anger. screaming in hate. screaming in pain. screaming in fear. screaming alone.
there is supposed to be a beauty in surrendering. in learning to let go. in letting loose. there is suposed to be a beauty in giving up and giving it over to our Creator.
im beginning to believe that this beauty has more in common with an ancient shipwreck nestled in the coral at the bottom of the sea, than the beauty youd see in your local mall. its exotic. its unusual. its a beauty brought of violence. a beauty birthed with tears. a beauty that doesnt come from pampering or prestiege, but one born from loss, heartache, pain.
the difference between this beauty and the one our world worships, the one you see plastered in magazines, on tv, billboards and desired by women everywhere, the difference between true beauty and this plastic beauty is that true beauty is earned… and it cannot die.
it doesnt need to be touched up. it cannot be reapplied. it doesnt fade, warp, change or lose its luster.
true beauty is born from a brokeness within. true beauty exudes a light that no darkness, no matter how powerful, can extinguish. true beauty is both terrifying and wonderful. true beauty is a process. its a journey. and its one that requires the willingness, each and every day to step up and answer questions that you dont want to be asked. it demands all you have and when you think you’ve given all you can, it shows you more that must be given.
true beauty is horribly beautiful.
and its what i live for. or rather, what i want to live for.
so if this is “now”. if it means i need to stop panting for the “next”. then so be it. im already to the conlusion that its beyond my own power to accomplish either goal. this, more or less, is just my confession that i cannot do it. i cannot create in myself, by myself the beauty i so hunger to see. the beauty i need.
and therein lies the key.
i need.
and i cannot fulfill the need.
are we left here on our own? can you feel when your last breath is gone? night is weighing heavy now. be quite and and wait for a voice that will say…
come awake. from sleep, arise. you were dead, become alive. wake up wake up. open your eyes. climb from your grave into the light.
bring us back to life
sometimes, in our most selfish, if we take just one moment to stop… we realize the depths of depravity we can sink to. and we realize again how much we have to be thankful for.
there have been many changes over recent weeks. some i knew were coming, others caught me offguard. some are good, some have left me reeling and hurting. some were tremendous blessings, others may be blessings in disguise.
but in that, there is a peace. there is a knowing that no matter what changes. no matter the rugs that are ripped from below our feet… no amout of pain or heartache. in the midst of mist, the mist of questions that are unanswered… there is a peace.
a peace in knowing that im not alone through all this. that there is a reedemer. one whos is constantly looking for me. looking out for my best. even when all i can seem to do is find what i want. this one still holds out hope that ill come around and follow what is truly best for me.
nannykate asked me to update my blog. because its been quite a while. i know it has hun. and im sorry. so much has changed even recently, i honestly dont know where to begin. but its so good to hear from you. and i guess you’re part of the reason im blogging right now.
you’ve had more than you fair share of pain. you’re still young and you’ve been through so much. and yet you continue to chose to live. you wake up next to the man you love. you… you live.
and that inspires me.
seeing 7 astronauts entrust there lives to a small white capsule as they hurl themselves into the unknown of space inspires me.
i was listening on the way to work this morning to the countdown for the shuttle… and as they were broadcasting the radio communications from mission control, one of the controllers said something odd…
negative return
discovery had reached the point of negative return. as i quickly learned, that point during liftoff is when; due to speed and altitude, even if something was to go wrong, there is no turning back for the men and women on board.
that was the point of no turning back.
and from inside of me… that rang true.
ive not spent enough time of late listening to that voice. the voice that whipsers that there is more. that there is still sunlight to be felt on my face. that the dust that clouds will disappear. that life is more than this. and that reaching that point of no return, and moving beyond it… is when we truly will expierence life.
imagine it… less than 600 people have ever been in space. less than 600. thats one in 10 million people. less than 600 people have ever reached the point of negative return…
its a risky and dangerous point. there are no guarentess after that point. no promises of safety, or of a safe return (i.e. challenger, columbia). yet they pressed on. they expierenced something that most everyone never will.
they lived.
if you were to ask me if, even after all ive seen, would i be willing to press through negative return… id answer no.
and im ashamed of that.
im sitting here asking myself what happened to the joy? to the excitement of the Christian walk? what happened? where did i leave it? when did i stop pressing forward and become content with the mundane? when did i trade a life of take up your cross and follow me… for the life of take up your day planner and go to work…
what happened to the boy who wanted to see the dead raised? who had dreams and desires of becoming a pastor? what happened?
…..
life will continually make us face moments of negative return. and most of them will never be anywhere near as large as the ones that 7 crew members faced earlier today. most of them will be small and seemingly insignificant. most of them will be easy for us to overlook. they will seem to be small annoyances that snap us out of our mundane lives. they will be the things that will make us late for work, or look weird at school… they will be the times when we chose to swallow who we truly are for the we that we want others to see. they will very rarely be events. they will almost always be somethign we can forget about. but each time we chose to back down, to live a life below the one we are called to live… we take one step farther from our goal of the ultimate negative return. we chip away a little bit more of that dream that keeps the core of who we are, the real us, alive.
these 7 men and women made hundreds of yes decisions when they were preparing for this mission. they answered the call to follow those dreams long ago. and only today were those dreams fulfilled.
deep inside of us is the holy roar that crys out to each of us to break away from the pack. to step into nothingness…..
and maybe… just maybe… just like the astronauts, we will hear the holy roar, the call for something more and learn to fly.
God bless our crew….
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 