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i know, it has been a long time since ive really poured myself into this blog. ive had so many things to talk about. so many things in me that im realizing, that im afraid of, that i dont want to see, that i want to pretend dont exist.
to put it simply… i am afraid to hope.
that phrase, afraid to hope, came to me earlier today right before dinner. Mom bought each of us kids two books. two of her favorites. and honestly, my first reaction was one of fear.
it was a blessing to me. and i knew that. i concsiously knew it was meant to be a blessing. i knew that. it was something nice my mom wanted to do for me. it was, as she put it, a mushy moment. and i was scared.
im afraid to take anything that ill get emotionally involved in. im afraid to open up, to hope. to offer any part of my self as vulnerable to anyone. simply because i, simply because i dont want to lose anything else.
its a really sad and pathetic thought process. it was however, born out of the need to cope. now, its a chain thats drowning me in a sea of hopelessness.
i lost so much, that having anything that could be lost, simply terrifies me. i dont want to lose my family again. i dont want my past personal failures to determine my future. i dont want to lose my family again. i dont. i honestly, truly do not.
i lived 3 years apart from them. i did it. and i proved to myself that it could be done. and now that im back, i dont want to be apart again. at least, not under negative circumstances.
i want to hope. i honestly do. living in a hopeless existence is living in death. but im a very analytical thinker. and i want guarantees. i want promises. i want to know ill be ok. i want to know my family will be ok.
why do i still feel the same
though everything has changed
the pain it cost
now i feel lost
inside of my own name
though everything has changed
the pain it cost
now i feel lost
inside of my own name
but i keep running
i am running
i keep living for the day that im with You
that im with You
the past has left its stain
and i have felt ashamed
ill seize the day
if you take away
the chains of yesterday
and i keep running
i am running
i keep living for the day that im with You
and i am waiting
i am waiting
i keep waiting for the day that im with You
new day the sun is shining
seems im closer to finding
that life is more than what we hide
no way that i am turning
as along as the sun is burning
now it seems that all i want is you
to fear hope, is truly, to fear all that life can be. to fear hope is to remove all chances of being wounded, to remove all opportunity for hurt, to keep at arms length all that may damage or crush ones soul.
to fear hope, is truly, to fear all that life can offer. to fear hope is to remove all chances of being in love, to remove all opportunity for joy, to keep at arms length all that may bring completion, blessings and honest compassion that may help heal ones soul.
to fear hope, is truly to fear all that life is.
i dont want to live life like this.
dont give up on me yet
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
this day all i want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
ive seen enough
and its never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
take me away
take me away
ive got nothing left to say
just take me away
someone once said that there is love in the red letters. and i believe that the best thing i can do right now, is close with those selfsame letters.
bless the Lord, o my soul: and all that is within me, bless His holy name. bless the Lord o my soul and forget not all His benefits. who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases. who redeemeth your life from destruction, who crowns you wit lovingkindness and mercies, who satisfies your mouth with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles.
the Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and plenteous in mercy. He has not dealt with us after our sins, nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. for as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward them that fear Him. as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
but the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear Him, and his righteousness unot childrens children….
bless the Lord all His works in all places of is dominion, bless the Lord o my soul.
this is something i ended up writing a week ago or so. and the pain with which i right it…. with which pen leaves impression on paper… is overwhelming.
so ill leave you with it.
introspective… in retrospect.
you grow up thinking that you’ll be the big brother who will always be there. swim meets. first dates. prom nites. and stupid boyfriends.
i wasnt that kind of brother.
i wasnt there.
and now she’s engaged.
she’s engaged and ive not even met my soon to be brother in law.
i want to go home.
i want to spend whatever time my sisters have thats actual “growing up” time… with them.
sometimes it takes your life being jarred in a manner you didnt think would happen… for you to begin to look internally… and see how much things have changed.
ive spent 2 years up here on my own. and i suddenly realized late saturday nite that ive proved to myself that i can make it on my own. i did it. i am my own man.
and i miss my mom. so much.
its been more than a year since ive seen her.
what happened? where did the time go? and why wasnt i there?
how can i call myself a big brother… when i wasnt there. was it really just my own greed… wanting my own way that kept me up here?
its amazing isnt it? she’s grown up.
and im not there.
why?
so im sitting here to post… not because ive anything pressing on my mind or heart, but simply because im beginning to think that my blog – and the world of faithful readers out there – were feeling akin to the ignored friend. well, please… know you’re not.
dawn, im sorry ive not been online and able to talk more. i miss ya:-)
courtney, thank you so much for my Christmas card. it made my holiday lots brighter!
skip, thank you for your support, friendship, and the dvds. you’re yovey!
so the holidays are over. is it wrong of me to say im actually thankful? im not sure.
Christmas was ok, spent the morning of on the phone with my family while they opened gifts. then it was off to my moms side for a late afternoon thing. spent that evening with skip. all in all a good day.
spent the 26th at my dads side for a few hours. ended up losing it and just balling in the parking lot of Sams club later that day.
you see, my dog angel… who is now… wow, 11 years old… resides at my grandparents farm now (dads side). she (angel) is the only immediate family i have within a 1000 miles. and it had been months since id been out there to visit. of course she still knows me… happily said hi. she loves it there. its like a 500 acre retirement home for dogs.
seeing angel…. all the memories… wow.
after my dads side, and hangin with the dog… i ended up in the parking lot of sams club. balling my eyes out on skips shoulder. i miss my family. i miss my dog.
my sister said that this Christmas was the first time in 2 years that mom actually had a smile on her face when she woke up that morning.
they actually had a christmas dinner. no dennys this year.
and honestly, those two things right there… are simply put… the best two gifts i received this year.
they say you can see God in the little things in life. they say He works in mysterious ways sometimes. i think, that for this anyway… they are right.
i prayed a simple prayer last nite.
one of surrender… and one… for love.
i am litterally nothing without His love in my life. keeping me alive and keeping me sane.
im realizing that it is His love that allows me to be civil, to in fact love, those that i held things against for a long time. and im realizing that if i dont allow His love to continually reside in my life – in the core of who i am – that those old hurts, wounds… grudegs… come back.
faith, hope and love.
but the greatest of these
is love
even though i didnt do the research, i have a feeling i had a post from last year with a title very close to that. hmm, ill have to do some digging.
anyway…. it is official by the way. i wont be heading down to texas for Christmas this year. the money for the plane ticket is readily available. the time off was all lined up… but when your mom and sis work in retail… guess what bucko, there is no way they’re getting the week after Christmas off…. so ill be headin down in mid-late jan.
i was all set and ready to launch into how crappy that was gonna be… not having seen my mom for more than a year. and how much it sucks to have spent yesterday and today cooped up indoors with a massive chest cold. or to be what was probably one of the few caring voices… and probably the only voice from immediate family, that my dad heard today….
i was going to launch into how i havent really allowed myself to enter into the whole “holiday/christmas/thanksgiving” spirit. maybe its because ive not yet allowed myself to digest the fact that i wont be home for christmas this year. maybe its because my mom seems to be takin it just a little harder that i had hoped. maybe its just cuz life can sometimes suck.
i wanted to… i wanted to go ballistic and wear my heart on my sleeve and maybe even cry while i pounded out the pages of my heart onto the web for all to see….
i wanted to, but i couldnt…. for you see… once upon a coughing, hacking, stuffy nose, achy, sneeze trip to wegmans on a rainy thanksgiving day in 2003… i saw something that changed my outlook.
i was waiting with the groceries while someone went and got the car… and as with any major supermarket on thanksgiving day, i was doing my best to dodge harried shoppers with long lists, or overladen shopping carts. but something stopped me.
slowly moving through the parking lot with a glaringly few items in the shopping cart… graying hair… almost white… slight in stature… and with eyes that belayed much more sorrow than my eyes have seen… was an elderly woman. her stature, her pacing, every little thing about her screamed that she was spending thanksgiving day alone.
and i realized at that moment something thats been unfolding to me all day. i have a tremendous amout to be thankful for this year.
heidi – simply, you’re my life saver. my bestest friend ever. id be lost, and much sicker, without you. i am thankful… for you.
k8 – in a world of very few noble people – you’re my hero. i am thankful… for you.
val – you’re what i would apsire to become if i was a 20something black woman. i am thankful… for you.
courtney – you’re what pen pals are supposed to be made of, and what women of God should aspire to be like. i am thankful… for you.
and the list goes on. unlike that lady, i have a family. albeit messed up, ive still got em all. ive got an apartment. and clothes on my back. and ive got friends who would give up there entire thanksgiving day to stay with a sick pip.
come to think of it guys… bill gates, and all his billions… has nothing on what ive been given.
so to each of you, wether you read my blog often, or just random acrossed me…
i am thankful for you.
and finally…
i will be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.
i was driving home the other nite, and a question ive been asking myself lately popped into my head.
ive been asking myself this for what seems like weeks now, but ive only recently been able to verbalize it.
the question?
do forgiveness and reconciliation always walk hand in hand? are the truly inseparable? can you have one without the other? and if so, to what degree can you forgive, and not be reconciled… and vice versa?
i know the “christian” answer is always yes. i know that… you dont need to preach it to me.
at least, reconciliation is a given when speaking of the forgiveness that flows from Christ…
but what about between 2 people?
i guess this question has been on my heart because in all honesty, im dealing with it.
to what degree does forgiveness need reconciliation? is it possible to forgive someone, and yet never truly trust them again?
maybe the question im really asking is,
why hasnt my heart healed yet? why cant i trust that person yet? what is it that causes this reaction in me?
i hate that i feel like i want to run away from you every time i see you. i hate that i feel that i cant trust you. i hate that it still hurts so much when i think of you.
most of all, i hate that my heart has yet to move from this point.
is this my fault? am i somehow sabotaging my chances and opportunities for healing? am i intentionally keeping myself in this spot?
all i have is questions… but only questions find the answers that we seek.
there was a time in a young kings life… well before he was even aware of his destiny to become king, when a wise man, a ‘seer’, told him to wait just a little while longer…
and then this seer, would tell him all that was in his heart.
it seems the more i learn about life, love and relationships, the less i truly know.
heck, i dont even understand the depths of my own heart.
so my prayer for tonite… is that sometime soon… someone wise would show me all that is in my heart.
my cry tonite
be my hiding place…..
When you live by grace with God, its not a matter of making yourself obey His commands to the letter; its simply living with the promise that you cant and its all right.
read the article here.
i dont think tonite will have me pouring my heart out…
tonite, i choose simplicity.
the simplicity of sin.
the simplicity of grace.
and the knowing, that the latter far outweighs the former. now, then, and for always.
thank You, for Grace.
and its looking more and more like ill end up coming very close to the year mark.
the last time i saw my mom was january 13, 2003. and chances are, i may not be going down there until the second or third week in january 2004.
1 whole year.
have you ever looked back on something, and – realizing that you actually completed it – are caught off guard because you honestly wish you didnt know what you now are aware of? you wish that you didnt know that you could handle what was thrown your way?
ive been in ny now, on my own more or less (thank you God for being with me) for more than 2 years. and im suddenly being hit with something i wasnt expecting…
its not regret. dont get me wrong, id give anything to see my mom for christmas. absolutely anything…. but its not regret. im beginning to feel the burden of being the ‘man’ in the family.
i guess i shouldnt be surprised by this feeling. but honestly, i am. i mean, its been more than 2 years since dad left. ya think i would have run into this much earlier.
why now?
because….
its official. sarah (sister #1) has a boyfriend. not just a “boyfriend”. this would constitute her very first ‘adult’ relationship. and i cant give the obligatory “touch her and ill rip your eyes out of the back of your head, cook them, and feed them to you” speach to the lucky guy.
and bethany is having car issues. its weird. i realize i know next to nothing about fixing cars… i mean, i can change the oil, check fluid levels, change a tire… etc… but im not there.
and thats the thing.
these are the moments where DAD is supposed to be nothing more than a phone call away. that way, no matter what happens… flat tire, bad date… whatever… they would be ok. because dad would be there.
but he’s not.
and neither am i.
should i be? does anyone happen to know what role i should be playing right now?
seems to be a question im asking myself a lot right now. and for more reasons, more situations, than just the family.
anyway, to bring to a close my opening thoughts…
maybe life is more than the sum of our expierences. im hoping that thats the case.
so my plan for this post was to let fly with a gut-wrenching, heart on my sleeve, no holds bar message to whomever my future wife may be.
but i realized that, although my thoughts and feelings for you, whomever you are, may be very intense…
it wouldnt be me tonite.
so, simply, quitely, my prayer tonite
is that i wait for you.
and that i will love you with all i am.
may you rest knowing that the One who placed each star in heaven – knows you by name.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 