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sometimes it takes all we have to simply love someone the way we’re called too.one of the hardest things to do in this world is to love someone….. from afar. knowing full well that your love may never… ever be reciprocated. knowing that your calling in their life may be for nothing more than to love from a distance. never able to fully express how much you love them… or how much…. how desperate you are, to simply share all you are with them…
its a pain that can’t be described… its an ache deep in your soul. that will never be quenched. its the deepest longings of the heart…
that are left unfulfilled.
so maybe i havent given up yet… but im beginning to ask myself if its time to move on.
im begining to question wether or not im stuck in my own little dream-bubble. hoping -against all hope- that my dream would come true…
and restoration will come.
i dont know.
im searching. i know of no other term to use….
i dont know what to do… and im desperate for guidance…
ive been wondering over the course of the past 3 weeks… if im getting a small glimpse of what the Father feels towards his children… when He cant fully express His love…
im not sure…
all i know to do…
Lord help… help me please.
not ashamed to be helpless hiding at the feet of the Lamb who died
and made a way where there was no way
don’t care if they call me crazy
i need You like the air im breathing
and wherever You are i never will be far away
its a funny thing, isnt it. romance that is. at the very moment when you’ve given up on ever finding it…
it simply walks into your life like it was always there.i’d be careful if i was you, or you may miss it. for you see, romance can form in unexpected places… and in unexpected persons.
i say all that to simply say this…
i havent given up. not yet.
i choose to believe that there is someone out there…
someone who, when she speaks… my world stops turning. when she looks at me, i realize my world is a much smaller place… because i see my future in her eyes… someone who makes me want to be a better man…
i havent given up…. not yet.
dont leave….
ok, ill admit it. its not easy. in fact, it sometimes takes every ounce of who i am to reach out and extend my trust… my willingness to be open… my desire to love… and be loved. its exhausting actually..
dont leave….
im trying so hard to decipher the part of “me” that is greedy and screams “its all about me” and the part of “me” that just honestly says…. “ive lost enough. honestly, ive lost everyone… and i dont want to lose anymore”
dont leave….
im not strong. i know that. ive tried for so long to simply walk this path alone. and ive realized i cant.
dont leave….
i dont know what i did to cause this. im trying to understand. im trying to learn from whatever mistakes i made to bring this all to pass.
dont leave….
but you know what? what ive worked so hard for these past 2 and a half years… ive tried to forget you…. ive tried to stop missing you. ive tried to logically do something to stop feeling the ache when you left. and the tears falling now, testify to the fact that im a complete failure.
dont lea… wait – its ok. you can leave. God be with you.
this is it. i didnt know i needed to come to this place… and of all days – today… but you’re not mine to protect. you are your own person. and beyond that, you’ve got your own life to live. so go, live it fully. may the memories of times we spent together bring you joy… and the knowing that wherever you go, you deserve to be treated like a princess… like a daughter of the King.
i pray He brings into your life people who will support you… be with you through thick and thin. people who will let you be you and love you completely and unconditionally. i pray He brings people into your life who make you happy… and ultimately, complete you.
its no longer the fact that “i miss you” or i want you back in my life…. those things dont matter… and in all honesty, they never did… i should have surrendered those feelings – and you – long ago.
am i afraid of you leaving my life? yes… but fear and freedom will never coexist.
so go. take flight in this world and never look back. and im sorry, for ever being someone who boxed you in.
you’re worthy of all the love anyone could ever pour into you… and i pray you find that.
be free.
The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can’t have them.
for days now, ive just had this sense that change was coming.
i dont know how. or where its coming from. but its the very rythmn of my heart right now.
my relationships with those closest to me are changing. have changed.
whats important to me is changing.
its all been over the past 2 weeks or so.
i dont know what to think about it. or much less what to feel.
change and frustration seeminly walk hand in hand.
arg! i cant blog ANYTHING.
so stinkin much going on inside and i cant put it down on paper… or, blog rather.
oh well.
goodnite for now.
sometimes its the subtle things that catch us off guard. sometimes we dont even realize we’ve been “caught”. it takes a heart that has slowed somewhat, from the business of the day, to notice that indeed – it is no longer free but has been caught by surprise. thats me for tonite… somewhat caught off guard. by the scent of fabric softener.you see, i was surprised this weekend by my friend skip. she threw me in a car on friday and off we drove.
now you have to understand that my thoughts on the weekend were going to be nothing more than maybe an hour or two drive time. we left @ 6:15pm. 12:45am saturday we arrived in virginia. and we visited skips best friend k8 (who is my friend to, but we met through skip) so anyway…
i was under the impression that the trip, and seeing kate were the surprise for the weekend. boy was i wrong. saturday afternoon found me off to baltimore for an Ikea store. woohoo!! and after… downtown baltimore for an intimate evening with lifehouse. all surprises. all wonderful.
i guess i brought all this up for two reasons. the first being to simply state how awesome it is to be loved. not for anything you’ve done… or anything you try to be…but just for who you are.
and secondly, to just express some of the ways i changed.
because of the awesome-ness of the weekend, i called in to work and took monday off as well. so we did laundry… and i just pulled a t-shirt from my suitcase. it smelled like fabric softener. i havent used fabric softener in 18 months or more. my mom used to. i miss that smell…
ok, so im not sure how that shows any changes in my life… but believe me. i have changed. permanently. and im constantly continuing to change.
and until things settle down…
im hanging on every word You say
and even if You dont wanna speak tonite
thats all right, all right with me
cos i want nothing more than to sit outside heavens door
and listen to Your breathing.
this weekend would be, at the least, incomplete without a blog to end tonite. and i can hear you saying “but its monday, the weekend is already over”. ill hold back on going into detail about this weekend… suffice to say that it was a wonderful time. i was reminded how this life is simply our chance to be the best friends we can to those who love us. and this was shown in vivid reality to me throughout this weekend.so, to pookie – all my love. all my thanks. you made this weekend. and you made this weekend happen. thank you so much for showing me what it means to truly love and accept someone. ::hug::
and to k8. thank you so much for being a friend, and beyond that, being someone who has walked where i am now trodding… and has survived. you’re a lighthouse in the storm of my life. never underestimate how much impact you will have. thank you.
tonites blog is short. and so is the time between now, and when i head to bed.
nite all.
you don’t remember me but i remember you
i lie awake and try so hard not to think of you
but who can decide what they dream?
and dream i do…
i believe in you
i’ll give up everything just to find you
i have to be with you to live to breathe
you’re taking over me
thats it. in a nutshell. for this portion of today anyway… thats what im feeling. conflicted. confused. hurt. lost. searching.its nto even 2pm. and im so…. broken…
it hurts so much to see her. i miss her so much. and yet…
did you hear that? did you? i miss you. i feel sooo many conflicting things about this situation. so much hurt, and yet im still consumed with the desire to love you and always provide for you the very best i can…
most times, im capabale of understanding what im feeling even when it makes verly little sense…. all i typically need is some time to think things through…
this… this is different. this strips me of my defenses and lays me bare for the whole world to see. this rips away the bandages, the comfort zones, the ‘protective barriers’ i enact and errect to shield me from more pain… this rips open old scares and this leaves me defenseless… utterly naked and unprotected…
if it matters, i dont like feeling this way. i dont like being ripped apart. i dont enjoy it… not one bit.
but yet, i wonder… look at what Christ had to endure so that Gods love could be poured out upon us…
He endured all that – for Loves sake.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
if doubt and fatiuth walk hand in hand, then i am definetly leaning towards the doubt side today….
we’re told… that our standing with God has nothing to do with our abilities… and everything to do with His unending love for us.
we’re told… that our lives are nothing without Him… and everything with Him.
we’re told… that if we give it our best and let Him handle the rest… that He will bring good out of it.
we’re told… that a worker is worth his wages….
we’re told so much – and all i can do is ask
where is it? where is the fulfilment of what we’ve been told?
i had a meeting with my boss today – as you probably can tell, it didnt go all that well.
i sit here wondering, questioning… what else can i do? what else can i give? how much harder can i try?
if this road we walk is indeed something unknown. and if each nite is a canvas. a -gift- so to speak. then tonite, i paint with my tears…
someone once said that feelings were important. and i must agree. simply due to the fact that we’re born with them.
take suffering for example…or pain – if you prefer that word. there isn’t a human who’s ever lived who hasn’t expierenced suffering. be it emotional, physical or any other form… everyone has -at one time or another- been well aquantied with pain.
Jesus Christ Himself… while walking on this earth.. submitted Himself so strongly to the will of His father that He learned pain… through watching the heartbreak over the death of lazarus.
and Christs Father – God. expierenced suffering more than we will ever…. how? simple really…
we talk so much about giving our all to Christ.. to walking out our faith… and we nearly idolize those who’ve gone before us and given all they had. look at the martyrs… the romans got their kicks off of feeding the early christians to lions… boiling them in oil… and dipping their heads in tar, tying them to a post and lighting their heads on fire…. for light.
but God Himself gave more than that….
dying for what we believe is easy. giving our lives? giving ourselves? nothing…absoluty nothin…
God didnt give Himself… He gave the most important thing to Him… He watched His own son die.
how about you? would you let your own brother die for what you believed? would you sit there and watch your parents get hacked apart by rebels… all because you didnt renounce the God you follow? would you watch your little sister be defiled all because of your belief in something greater than the both of you?
thats harder… thats surrender… that- in a nutshell- is what God did to His son to draw us to Him….
i can give everything i am… that isnt even an issue anymore. id gladly take a bullet and face death itself for the things i believe in. but what about my family? or my friends?…
im not exactly sure why this is all on my mind right now… but i guess its a good thing. i havent blogged this much in quite some time.
anyway… i guess the question of the nite – what was God feeling? its written that, even though God is Love, He could not stand to look at His son. He had to turn His head and look away from the one being that was as much Him, as He was.
so maybe surrender isnt submitting my own preferences or choices… maybe surrender is giving everything. not just yourself, but all that you have. all that you’ve been given… all that brings you joy… to the will of a God who let His own Son die…. for me.
they say that that – is love. they say that love isnt a feeling. they say love is stronger than death. and they say love is something we all need…..
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 