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im not sure if this comes across as me being greedy… but here goes
after the hell of the past 7 months, things are finally begining to calm down here in NY.
all the external crap that ive been facing is slowly ebbing away (for now anyway). and now that this pile of crap is shrinking – im left to confront all the crap that isnt so external. its internal.
have i changed for the better because of the past 7 months? is my relationship with an all powerful all loving God any stronger? wait… wait wait. the question – do i CARE if ive changed for the better and do i CARE if my relationship with an all powerful and all loving God is any stronger? do i?
whats scary? that i have to ask myself that question.
in all honesty, i want to shout and scream and draw my line in the sand and tell God He’s taken enough. that this is my life and that im sick of the sh*t and hell ive faced. i dont want any more of it. i want an end. and it seems like as soon as the external things calm down, the internal things begin to unsettle themselves. its like it isnt enough for my life to fall apart externally, ive got to deal with the hellish person ive become also.
and quite frankly – i dont want too.
yeah – greedy. i know.
i didnt ask to live this life. and i wasnt asked if i wanted to. its the life i think im living. and the only logical conclusion is that this life isnt “mine” to live. i didnt create myself and its obvious i have no control over the things that matter. i have responsibility, yes. but thats about it.
im just gonna be real. i dont have any sort of inspirational quote to end tonite. just a simple. ‘here we go again’.
im harder than this – this world aint got what it takes. ill make it through.
ok, so maybe a little inspiration.
“the question at hand – help me understand – is this Your plan?
i think i can – can i think?- then i think i can.
because i wont break (nah) and i wont shake (nah) with lifted hands to this man (Jah) we stand in faith.
ill make it through with my trust in You.
close my eyes – make a wish – kiss the sky cuz now i see You.“
if you dont read Relevant Magazine you should be dragged outside and force fed baby food:-)
read this –
Last week’s Gospel Music Association Dove Awards weren’t attended, once again, by P.O.D., even though the group was nominated in multiple categories. The reason? They just don’t see themselves as a Christian band, no matter how much the industry wants them to be one. “It’s like the same people that banned us,” lead singer Sonny Sandoval told The Tennessean, “now they’re in their little office and they’re like, ‘Our goal is to help them break into the mainstream.’ No, it’s not. Let’s be honest with ourselves, that’s not your heart’s intention. You’re just selling records. Whatever link you have to this, it looks good on your plate.” Sonny continued: ”For us, it’s like, there are a lot bands out there that have the same background as us, but they’re not pigeonholed the same as us. Look at someone like Lauryn Hill. She’ll get up there and she’ll tell you what she believes in or what her faith is about. Look at what she accomplished, and you don’t see her doing the GMAs … We’re not trying to be a part of this little, it’s almost like a secret society-type thing. It’s, like, thank you for anything you might have done in the past. Thank you for your support. No disrespect, but we’re going to go on and do what we want to do” …
amen and amen
more later
thats it. right there. thats my simple quote for the nite. 4 simple words.-adieu
is there some mythical connection between certain bloggers?
take -for instance- valmarie and i.
we both havent posted in a few days and we both felt guilty about it.
weird.
weird. i have nominated it for the word of the day.
definetly fits.
so much has happend in the past 3 days.
so much.
take this blindfold off of me
im walking but i can not see…
mysteries fly at my feet
the answers come with no relief
and i, keep walking down that road.
delirious. blindfold.
life has changed. im trying to adapt with it.
so yes – as this post draws to a close i do realize it wasnt one of my longer ones. in fact, probably very short.
as my final note.
watching a friend of mine earlier this week… i was reminded of something im constantly learning and re-learning.
cherrish every moment you get with your family. because time with them can be short. very short.
until next time
i am pj (pip)
and this…
is the life i think im living
-adieu
went to the dentist today. fun little time getting going this morning. i forgot my wallet almost 1/4 of the way there so i had to turn around, find the wallet and then haul to get to the appt. 10 minutes late. ah well. could be worse. i dont like the dentist. but hey, at least i dont have to turn my head and cough. lets keep things in perspective:-)
perspective. its a hard thing to keep sometimes. especially with my dad.
if there was one specific thing – in this life i think im living – that could be described as an enigma, it would be my relationship with my dad.
on the one hand, im in awe of any man who would work for 30 years and be an expert in his field (electrical and mechanical maintnance) and after two layoffs, take a job waiting tables just to try to make ends meet in cruel and unforgiving world. he’s waiting tables. 30 years of work – expierence – wisdom. all for nought? tell me, exactly why would i want to plan out 5 years of my life, if… 30 years from now – i can look forward to minimum wage plus tips.
what really amazes me, he isnt complaining. he hasnt been allowed to see his family in months. christmas? christmas he spent alone. completely alone. He got to see his only son (me) for about 3 total minutes on my 22nd birthday. he isnt allowed to talk to his daughters. and his wife isnt even wearing her wedding band anymore. he rents a small room. and has absolutely no one to talk to. he lives in the same town as the rest of my family and yet he is competely alone.
and he is surviving.
that brings perspective
on the other hand, he could be – and probably is – the cause to most of the problems that our family is going through.
during the course of the day, i think we talked 7 times. i know, that this isnt the actions of a healthy man. but again… what would you do in his situation? i dont know.
im not sure what to think. what to feel. what to do. or even how to react. questions. all questions and no answers. questions about the future, about myself. would i take a job waiting tables? WAITING TABLES!!!! MY DAD IS WAITING FREAKING TABLES.
i guess maybe im looking for a guarentee of some sort. a promise – that my life wont end up like his. that my marriage, will be better. and maybe, that life is worth living.
or maybe, im just looking for a promise that things wont always be like this. that life wont always hurt. and that somehow.. sometime… my family will be ok again.
all i have to do is look to you
and i will never be the same
my lifes been changed
and like a child
i will play despite the rain
there isn’t much else to do is there?
ill see you in the storm
until the next installment of the life i think im living
have a cookie
not a word was heard at the tomb that day. just shuffling soldiers feet as they guarded the grave. 1 day 2 days 3 days had past. could it be that Jesus breathed his last? could it be that His father had forsaken Him? turned His back on His son, despising our sin? all hell seemd to whipser “just forget it, He’s dead”
then the Father looked down at His son and said
Arise My Love
Arise My Love
the grave no longer has a hold on you
No more deaths sting
No more suffering
Arise, Arise My Love!
the earth trembled and the tomb began to shake. and like lightening from heaven, the stone was rolled away. and as dead men – the guards – they all stood there in fright.
as the Power of Love displayed its might. then suddenly a melody filled the air. riding wings of wind -it was everywhere. the words all creation had been longing to hear,
the sweet sounds of VICTORY so loud and clear.
Arise My Love
Arise My Love
the grave no longer has a hold on you
No more deaths sting
No more suffering
Arise, Arise My Love
sin – where are your shackels?
death – where is your sting?
hell – has been defeated.
the grave could not hold the King.
Arise My Love
Arise My Love
the grave no longer has a hold on you
No more deaths sting
No more suffering
Arise, Arise My Love
my song of the Moment
“newsong” and -Arise My Love.
this song encompasses all i stand for. all i believe in. all that i feel has any “worth” in all of who i am.
and – it holds all that matters.
and in other news – i watched a lil bit of the “tonite show” this evening. Josh Hartnett was on. star of the MUST SEE moive “black hawk down”. although, to my disdain – he wasnt there to promote the wonderful piece of cinematography that was Black Hawk Down. he was promoting his new slime fest – 40 days and 40 nites. a movie in which he plays a young man who takes a vow during Lent to abstain from all forms of sexual pleasuring. be it sex – or self pleasuring. interesting idea for a movie. and just as pathetic.
ladies, for a man to prove himself – abstaining from sex shouldnt be a challenge. it should be something that he doesnt break a sweat over. not that im an expert in either field. but ill save you my rantings on this.
i will leave you with one more thought.
friendship – sometimes means not being there.
think about it
until the next installment from the life i think im living….
nite
sometimes, all it takes to be inspired is a moment in time spent realizing that you’re not the only one going through hell.
sometimes, that moment of inspiration isnt anything deep or spectacular. just a realization that you’re not totally alone. their are other people on this road your walking. even when, as a wise woman once said, there arent any roadmaps when you forge your own trail… we still have people… or even one person – who cares about us enough to be real with us.
sometimes, that one person… is God.
im not 100% sure where im headin with this.
i may not be headed anywhere.
Lord take me, from this place
into a world that has no time
no hurries
no worries
gladly i leave it them all behind
i am letting go
im drawing near
i wanna sing
i wanna fly
i wanna see from Your side of the sky
i wanna love
i wanna stay
wanna be close to You
long after the music fades
Lord, i come to give You
much more than just a melody
please take me
and break me
right now -God- i dont want to leave
unchanged
i never want to be the same
i wanna sing
i wanna fly
i wanna see from Your side of the sky
i wanna love
i wanna stay
wanna be close to you
long after the music fades
You are mighty,
awesome
righteous
gracious
knowing
in me – overflowing
father
teacher
master
leader
jealous
loving
you are
thats become my new creed. i wanna sing / i wanna fly / i wanna see from Your side of the sky / i wanna love / i wanna stay / wanna be close to you / long after the music fades He is life, He is Love, He is everything Im needing.
my mind is running 100 different directions right now. im wishing i knew a method of releasing built up frustrations and anger… and at the same time – im thinkin about the quote in my earlier blog. maybe i do have some thoughts on it.
the quote can be taken @ least 2 ways. in the end, we will remember the silence of our friends. silence can be a bad thing – when our friends should have stood up and said something. or it can be a good thing. when – in an ultimate display of wisdom- your friends hold their tounges and offer friendship and love in the simplest form known to man. just “being there”.
ok. im going to stop allowing myself to stress over all the crap in my head – wishing i could get it on paper… and im just gonna crash.
nite
leave it to a bad influence to awaken me to todays song of the day:
Angel – Sarah McLachlan
so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there’s vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don’t make no difference
escaping one last time
it’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
as i sit and watch the remains of what im sure was a beautiful day outside…
im reminded of the little things. i still have 5 toothbrushes in a toothbrush holder that will never see use by more than just me.
sometimes its the little things that we take for granted… and sometimes, its the big things.
i dont know, todays blog is very much rambling. my heart is lying scattered around the remains of my life and absolutely nothing is making sense anymore.
this weekend begins a big prophetic meeting @ bethel… i want to be there.
im reminded of a saying i used to use… “being run over by Gods mack-truck of love“. thats when He rips you from this existence and allows you – for possibly only a moment – to catch a glimpse of His immesureable glory. and for that moment in time – all else fades away. there are no more worries… no more fears. no more unemployment. for a moment – your free. for those of you who have seen The Fast and the Furious… that would be my quarter mile. and i havent raced… in so long.
racing… requires being 100% real with God. no masks, facades, or ulterior motives… being “run over” can only happen when you come just as you are. and i can truthfully say that i dont know when the last time was i went to church as just “me”. no pretending everything was ok… or even pretending that i was ok. im sick of pretending. i want to walk …. run… into His presence… into His arms just as i am.. be real. and let Him be dad. let Him be who He is supposed to be. all i can be is me. and i hope and pray that i have the strength to simply…. be me
till tomorrow…
Don’t we all love losing a half hours worth of blogging when the website automatically logs you out. So when you hit the “post” button. You’re screwed! Ah well. I guess that’s life.
I seem to be developing a serious case of “tripping on creed”. If you haven’t checked out their new video for “bullets”. Do so @ creed.com. its very.. cool… interesting… progressive and very CG. Think “final fantasy” (the movie) only… music video. Just watch it.
Also, in todays news – my car now accelerates and brakes much smoother. Of course, having your tranny looked @ and your brakes worked on will do that. And for $150 – it had better. I enjoyed dinner @ my aunts house. Nothing like ravioli. And I’m even developing a taste for broccoli! I must be maturing. Hehehe. Finished the nite off with a fun trip to wegmans. It seems to be THE spot for single 22 year old guys to hang out. Milk, cookies.. and 4 two-liter bottles of mt. Dew. On sale for only $5. I needed no more proof to know God loves me.
if “commitment” was the word of the day yesterday or was it Sunday. Whatever. Either way – todays word is “change”. Its one of the 2 constant aspects of this thing we call life. The other being – that it continues. Life continues. It goes on. Even when all we know and stand upon has been so altered and impacted, we feel it should come to a earth shattering halt, it doesn’t. Life doesn’t come with a pause button.
I’m learning that victory, the Finnish line – so to speak, isn’t necessarily obtained by those with the best training. Or the top of the line equipment. or even the ones who run the fastest. Victory comes to those who are simply humble enough to roll with the punches. it comes to those who know they don’t control the cards life hands them… they are just willing to put one foot in front of the other. They may not even be given a chance to see the cards before a punch is thrown… they’re just committed… (yesterdays word) to do their best. Their not going to stop walking.
A wise man once said – if all you ever see is the road, the trip will never be worth it. To be truthful, all I’ve been able to see lately is the next few inches of gravel on this road. I’d love a glimpse into the finished product… or even a roadmap. Who knows, maybe I was so enthralled by some stupid meaningless roadside attraction that I missed the guy who was handing out the maps. I’m so desperate – that I’d – (a male, mind you) would GLADLY ask for directions at the very next gas station or rest stop. There just hasn’t been any places where I can stop and relax.
delirious put it best in two songs
Blindfold
Take this blindfold off of me
I’m walking but I cannot see
Mysteries fly at my feet
The answers come with no relief
Broken shoes won’t get you far
Climb on my back I’ll carry you afar
Words just feel anatheistized
But hope is found within the lies
And I keep walking down that road
And I keep running down that road
Take this blindfold off of me
I’m crawling, grabbing, breathing for the way I can see
Hold me, take me, run with me, I know you’ll ignite
A battered flame that once was bright
And I keep walking down that road
And I keep running down that road
Glory, glory
Glory, in the highest
and a snippet from
Kiss Your Feet
Take this life, take it all
I’m breathing the dirt, but I have clean hands
So I’ll run with my boots on.
..For I was born to kiss Your feet
so where does this leave us tonight – @t the end of another day – with tomorrow fast approaching? I’m not 100% sure. But I’m learning that I don’t need to be. ill never have all the answers – so I should probably stop trying too. Only He does. And right now – and maybe from now on – that’s all I’ve got left.
I’ve committed to staying in Rochester. Its now His job to come through. My job, is to be the best me I can. And to simply.. keep walking. So tomorrow.. that’s what I’m going to do.
Until the next installment from the life I’m living.
Have a blessed nite
as i crash tonite
i leave you with creed
nite
Hello my friend we meet again
It’s been a while where should
we begin feels like forever
Within my heart are memories
Of perfect love that you gave to me
I remember
When you are with me
I’m free. I’m careless I believe
Above all the others we’ll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice
We’ve seen our share of ups and downs
Oh how quickly life can turn around in
an instant
It feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and within your mind
Let’s find peace there
When you are with me
I’m free I’m careless�I believe
Above all the others we�ll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice
I just want to say hello again
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 