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this weekend is full of memories. there is something about Memorial day weekend that seems to cause moments of more depth, of more story than other weekends. maybe it’s that this weekend heralds the soon arriving summer, or that it is on this weekend we pause and honestly remember. we remember those who fought and those who died, protecting the liberties and freedoms we take so often for granted.
this weekend brings memories of happy times. of camp fires, smores, trips to the lake. and it also brings with it memories that are wholly different. memories not of what did happen, but of what didnt.
memories, seem to be the theme, the subject, the story that is being told right now. i’ve caught myself more this weekend then i have in a long time, remembering. thinking back. and in some ways, looking forward.
thinking back to a time many years ago when life seemed simpler. when friends were closer and when joy was easier. when following this path, when writing this story was easier than it is now.
do i regret the decisions i’ve made between then and now? some of them, yes, absolutely. i think if we’re honest, we would all say we have things we wish we’d done and didnt, or that we did, and would give our right arm to have never done. we’ve all hungered after grace, after forgiveness, even if we didnt know it was what we needed. our stories, if they share any common thread, is that we all made mistakes, we all failed at something. that our memories, our stories of times past aren’t all full of golden moments. that there are dark times in our past, times we wished we could forget.
if anything though, it’s remembering those times, those times that remind us of old scars, memories that still need effort to push beyond, its in those memories that we find the tenacity, the desire, the will, drive and passion to make new memories. its in remembering those who’ve died for our freedoms that we remember we are free. it’s in stopping and letting the memory wash over us that we realize how far we’ve come, how the scars have healed, and in some cases, how far we have to go.
it’s in remembering, that we see our story that has been written. and it’s in remembering, that we see how many blank pages are yet to be written in.
this moment, right now, is a blank page. and how i chose to use it, the words i chose to write on it, are done so with indelible ink. once written, they will never be erased.
and my heart aches, in a good way. for the challenge, for the calling that i hear. to make these next pages count. to show those i love, that they’re loved. to love unconditionally, without fear. to learn what being a son means, and in the process, to discover what it means to be a man.
all we have, all we’re ever truly given, is a blank page and a pen. and the whispered call of the One we call Father, to follow His leading.
so as you sit, as i sit, on this day of Memorial, we should do just that. remember. remember where we’ve come from, and remember those who sacrificed their all in defense of freedom. of the freedom for us to write our own stories. and may we also look forward, to the blank pages.
may we pick up our pens, and write our stories. and may our stories, be worth telling.
Future of Forestry – Close Your Eyes
there are moments when i question. when i honestly wonder if i have what it takes. to become the man i yearn to be. to see the dreams in my heart come to pass in my life. there are moments when i question my own abilities. when i question if i’m good enough. there are moments when i honestly wonder how any woman could fall in love with a man as flawed as i am.
and i am reminded.
that it is in my weakness that He is strong. that this morning was birthed in grace. that He never let go. that i can rest.
that there is hope. for us both.
that the One who is holding me tonight….
that i am His child. no one elses.
i may not be the man i want to be, yet. but i’m closer than i was in January. and i’ll be closer still tomorrow.
Fee – Arms That Hold The Universe
there are moments when i sit and inspiration just comes. the sounds of birds awakening the dawn, the dark, bitter taste of hot coffee, the warmth of the first rays of sun breaking across the land.
and there are moments that i sit and await inspiration. and it’s not there. and i wonder. wonder why i cannot seem to put my heart onto paper. wonder why the yearnings inside of my soul are strangled on their way to my lips. i wonder what life would be like if i threw caution to the wind.
it’s in these moments that i remind myself of the inspiration ive already been given. of the truths i’ve already learned, the truths i lean on. that i serve an amazing God. that just one cup of His mercy covers more sin than i could ever commit. that His love for me is amazing, beyond comprehension. that He is the God who created life. and if He created life, then He also created the art of living it. and its in these moments that i recommit myself to following Him.
and i ask to see through His eyes. to see things as He sees them. to have my heart break when His breaks. to hear His heartbeat, to become a son. to know His love as deeply as i possibly can. and to love as He does.
i can look outside of myself for the inspiration i need each day, or i can look to the one who gave grace, who’s Son paid the ultimate price so i could be adopted. i can look for inspiration from those around me, and find myself unsatisfied, or i can look to the one who Created the dreams in my heart.
i could look anywhere i wanted to for inspiration. and because of my own fears, my father issues and my insecurities, i do. i do, but i shouldnt. because the one who Created life, is calling for me to live life. to throw caution to the wind and follow Him as He leads. to become a character in the amazing story that He wants to tell through my life.
when i look to Him, i realize i dont need to be inspired, i need to follow. to drop the burdens i carry and simply follow.
when i look to Him, life may not make sense, but i know i have hope.
what is it about performance that scares so many of us? that keep us from pursuing our dreams or following what we love? have we bought into the lie that if we cannot be the best at whatever it is we want to try, that we shouldnt try it? why is it that we, that i believe that if i cant nail it on the first try, it’s not worth trying?
what is it about failure that we fear? that i fear?
why can i not simply accept the fact that i am loved by a perfect God? that i’m playing a role in my own story, and that i want it to be one worth reading? why dont i realize that the books i read are exciting and full of life because the protagonist faces a challenge of overwhelming odds and yet doesnt turn away?
why dont i realize that it’s in these stories that the protagonist becomes the man he was meant to be, that it’s the journey as much as it is the destination that makes the story a story? that it’s the battles, the victories, and yes, the losses, that make the story one worth telling and retelling.
without risk, without reward, without there being an overwhelming obstacle and without a reason to face that obstacle, there is no story.
tonight im faced with the challenge that in a lot of ways, i may be my own biggest obstacle. and if we’re honest with ourselves, that may be the same for a lot of us.
yes, we can blame our parents, our upbringing, the ways we were or werent treated. we can point to our history and share our stories and say that it’s not our fault. but when you strip all that away, no one holds you back from your dreams with any more power than you give them.
i think the rest of this year will be me facing myself. my own fears, fears of failure. fears of trying new things and allowing myself to bask in the grace that is so freely given.
isnt that what life was meant to be? loving enough to allow others to stumble? loving them so much that the freedom of trying something new, of stepping on toes and painting outside the lines becomes the reality that you live in?
i struggle with that. i do.
i like order and neatness and patterns.
but thats not all there is to life.
we forget that we were created. and if we were actually created, than there was a creator. and if there was a creator, then creativity is what literally gave us life. we’ve forgotten that it was love, passionate overwhelming love that created us.
we’ve forgotten that creativity was the very art form that breathed life into everything we see around us. we, you and i, are pieces of art.
and it’s that art that i want to fall in love with. i want to fall in love with the art, the beauty that exists inside of each of us. inside of you. i want to fall in love with music and passion and pottery and dancing. i want to fall in love with a creative spirit. and i want to rediscover the creative that lives in me.
Future of Forestry – Slow Your Breath Down
this chest is full of memories
of gold and silver tears
i’ll give you more to own than all of this
and i’ll give you more than years
for you were once a child of innocence
and i see you just the same
your burdens couldnt win or lose a thing
oh i’d tell you once again
but you’re always on the run
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your heart now, oh
you can trust in love again
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your smile now, oh
you can trust in love again
if you leave, i’ll still be close to you
when all your fears rain down
i’ll take you back a thousand times again
and i’ll take you as my own
i will sing you songs of innocence
till the light of morning comes
till the rays of golden honey cover you
in the sweetness of the dawn
but you’re always on the run
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your heart now oh
you can trust in love again
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your smile now oh
you can trust in love again
you’re not alone
you’re now a part of me
you feel the cure
i feel the toil it brought you
i got a raise this week. a big raise.
part of me was thrilled. part of me was thankful that the company noticed my efforts and rewarded as such. and for the rest of that day, i was filled with a temporal sense of happiness. but then something changed. and i think i’m only now beginning to understand.
my prayers of late have been those of struggle, of wanting to let go but fighting to hold on. they have been those asking to be saved from the kingdom of self.
i wondered earlier this week, why the raise didnt make me happier. why things didnt seem lighter or easier to deal with. and i think im finally realizing that things will never fill the void. i’ve always known that. but i think that changes when you hit thirty. and your attention shifts from work, the career, getting ahead, to the things that have a more eternal value.
our focuses shift to family, friends, and that place called home. to the bigger story that each chapter of our lives has thus far alluded to. and as our focus, as my focus shifts, i realize again that i dont want to be king. i dont want to live my life pursuing my own comforts.
i want a battle to fight, a girl to fight for, and a story to live.
in a million miles in a thousand years donald miller writes about his experience of having a movie made about his first book. a movie, literally made about his life. and its during the making of the movie that he realizes that a movie about his life would be boring. because his life, was boring. his life wasnt a story worth telling.
i want a story, stories, worth telling. stories of the battles, the girl, and amazing grace. stories full of hope.
because it’s in those things, its in the heat of the battle that we learn the value of life. it’s in the love and beauty of a woman that man finally begins to understand the mystery of grace. and it’s in living through the story being told, that we see ineffable proof of an Author who cares more for us than we’ve yet begun to comprehend.
and if it takes walking through the storm, the storms, to get to the place where i can be that man. the man who will fight, who will love, and who will follow the King of all stories…. then so be it.
Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness.
that is what i want to be.
there is no faith if there is no mystery. faith, in it’s most basic form, requires mystery, requires questions to be unanswered. it requires us to believe when that belief doesnt make sense. faith requires us to push beyond the safety of the harbor, even if we cannot see through the fog that surrounds us.
there is no faith, if you can see the end of your journey when you begin.
i’m thirty. and even though i can look back and see some crazy leaps of faith, some moments where i sailed farther from the shore than i had ever done, i’d always had a backup plan. i’d always kept a chart that showed how to get back to safety. just in case this leap of faith didnt pan out.
i dont want to say the same thing when i turn 31. i want to look back on my thirtieth year knowing that i took the biggest leaps of faith ive ever taken. that i gave up backup plans and put it all on the line. that i sailed farther from shore than i had ever sailed before.
and im not the only one im praying this for. i’ve got a friend in florida who’s been on my heart a lot lately. and i want the same for her. i want her to push out from shore farther than she’s ever gone, find that her heavenly Father really is all she needs, and realize all over again how much He loves her for all of who she is. that He created her. specifically. for this time in history. that she’s important and has a very specific job to do while she’s here.
because she’s gifted. and because she’s a gift.
and because it’s in pushing beyond the safe waters and into the unexplored that we find those moments of life. that we find islands previously unknown. that we experience moments of holy design. moments that wreck our preconceived notions. moments that take apart our boxes and show us that there is more to life than the safety of the cove. it’s when we take those risks that we find beauty in its rarest of forms.
when we chose to follow the Author of this story, we arent promised calm waters or even what most would consider safe passage. but we were promised that He wouldnt leave us. that we wouldn’t be alone, even during the loneliest of nights. we were promised life. full, abundant and above our wildest dreams life. life, if we would trust Him enough to push-off from shore, and away from the safety of the harbor.
Matt Redman – When All Is Said and Done
life’s too short to be lukewarm
this i know, this i know
Jesus you can have it all
my every breath, my every breath
i need Your power to live this life
this i know, this i know
i cant do this by myself
You’re Christ in me
my only hope, my only hope
as i walk this broken world
tune my life to heavens song
for i am Yours
and when all is said in and done
tune my life’s to heavens song
forevermore, forevermore
i need your power to live this life
this i know, this i know
no i cant do this by myself
You’re Christ in me
my only hope, my only hope
as i walk this broken world
tune my life to heavens song
for i am Yours
and when all is said and done
tune my life to heavens song….
sometimes things are better left alone and other times, we need to crack open the boxes that we so neatly put our past away in, sort through the remains of a life we knew, and clear that space for a box of new memories.
it’s hard work. it’s dusty, and dirty, and even getting to those boxes sometimes requires a lot of unpacking. a lot of sorting through junk. it takes effort to clear space for the good.
and yes, it is much easier to sit on the couch and bury our dreams beneath another pointless tv show, where we can watch someone else do what we’ve always wanted to to. its easier to keep the closet door shut and live a life void of relationship, void of happiness and any real joy. it’s easier to play our video games, sit behind our laptops, sip our double mocahs and watch life pass us by.
its easier, but its not freeing.
i dont want to pretend that any one persons experience is a carbon copy of another, but i know beyond doubt that we all have boxes hidden away somewhere. boxes that, when the time is right, we need to pull out. take apart, deal with, and move on.
as i went through this weekend, reopening boxes closed many years ago, i realized that i was running out of space. that as humans we have only a finite amount of room to store our memories. and if we want to create new ones, if we want to replace the pain, the hurt, and the sadness that our past may contain, we need to pull those boxes out of the closet, expose them to the light, sort through their contents, and free up that space for memories anew.
i want to clean out these boxes, deal with the history, once for all, and move on.
i’ve realized this weekend something i am sure i’ll need to be reminded of. that being – that i live in texas. and beyond any other goal this year, i want to follow the Call i hear inside my heart. the Call that has always been there. the Call of the One who has always been there, even when i doubted.
this Call that draws me towards deeper relationships, to opening my heart and letting people in, to a future that i want to see.
a future of relationship, of joy and happiness. a future where yes, there will be pain. but there will be so much more than that. a future where there is someone who i love passionately. a future where we experience life, a future of travel and seeing things and living life to the fullest.
and as i sit this weekend and unpack boxes, i know there are many more than i can deal with in one weekend. but i will deal with them. i will get through them.
i no longer want to be held back by my past, defined by my mistakes or the mistakes of others. i want to write my own story, find passion in life and dance. my god i want to dance.
there is a girl. and someday, i want to tell her how i feel.
but until that time, i’ll work, i’ll prepare. i’ll live my life to the fullest i can, and clear the memories of the past for memories of the future.
i will listen to the Call, live my life, i’ll follow my King, and i will become the man i want to be.
Passion – Awakening
like the rising sun that shines
from the darkness a light
i hear Your voice and this is my
awakening
as much as i’m beginning to understand that living life means fighting for what is worth living for, i’m also beginning to understand that my fight, my battle wont always be an epic. it wont always remind you of the Lord of the Rings, Gladiator or 300. sometimes the battle will take place in the quiet.
in the determination to simply not quit.
sometimes the battle isnt something we’re actually doing. sometimes it’s just the quiet determination to not give up. to not give in. and sometimes, our battle is simply realizing we cant. that whatever change needs to happen, whatever miracle is needed in ones life, that we are incapable.
there is beauty in that. in realizing that whatever it is we’re facing is beyond our ability to defeat. to know and understand, and accept, that we’ve done all we can. that all we can do is wait. wait on the Great Warrior to meet us where we are, to give us direction, strength, hope.
there is beauty when you realize you’re at the end of you, that you cannot do more.
there is beauty in finding the end of yourself.
Delirious – Find Me In The River
we didnt count on suffering
we didnt count on pain
but if the blessing’s in the valley
then in the river i will wait
find me in the river
find me there
find me on my knees with my soul laid bare
even though you’re gone and i’m cracked and dry
find me in the river
i’m waiting here
i hate fear.
i hate it with a passion. a hatred that is deep. down inside the most basic parts of who i am. i hate what fear does, and what it keeps me from doing. i hate how much i dislike confrontation. how much my own fear keeps me from pursuing the things i want to. i hate that i gave in to the fear that i wasnt worthy of this, of pursuing the girl, of joy and happiness and actual life in life.
i hate that there are moments when the fear i feel is so overwhelming i’m almost rendered motionless. i hate that im terrified of abandonment, of not being good enough, of failing, of not being love-able.
what i hate the most, is that part of me knows that the fear, as real as it seems, isnt the truth.
i could show you my scars. the scars that lead to each and every fear i have. i could tell you the depth of the pain, let you see the damage done. i could share with you the stories of heart-break that ive lived through. i could easily prove to you why i fear. and why fear is something i hate.
but what i really want, is to break free.
there. i said it.
i. want. to. break. free.
why? because there is a girl, and she is worth it, because life is worth it. because i am worth it.
i’m not sitting on the sidelines any longer.
i may never have all the answers, and i cannot promise to be perfect or love the girl the way she deserves. but i’m going to try. i’m going to follow the King who’s name i proclaim. it means, this means war.
i will trust Him….
i will break free.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 