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im laughing. and its good. it really is.
im talking with people ive not talked to in way to long. and we’re making new memories. and remembering old memories.
and im realizing that im doing so much more.
im saying goodbye. to old friends. goodbye to past hurts. to past “me’s”. to the past. im saying goodbye to all thats held me back, kept me in the mold of who i was.
im talking with people who are letting me be me. people who are letting me change. become who more of who i want to be. and less of who i am. people who dont mind that i dont have all the answers, that im a failure in so many ways. that i clueless as to how to become who i want to be.
im laughing. im making friends. and rekindling old ones.
thank God for foundations. for new beginnings.
for a hope.
its hardest to truly live when we most need to do just that. times to truly live never present themselves as easy situations. they’re the times that cost us emotionally. they wound us, berate us, belittle us. those are the times that scream for us to grasp, cleave to life and not let go.
so often though, its nearly impossible for us to hear ourselves think above the din of all that consumes us. much less hear the scream, the utter cry from within, for us to truly live.
life is like blogging. or writing anything for that matter. i find it hardest to write when i really want to say something. when something is eating me alive and i need to get it onto paper… those are the times when my fingers stand idle. my thoughts, a jumbled mess of confusion and my dreams of anything cohesive, well.. they’re just that – dreams.
in the midst of the whirlwind of chaos, confusion and dreams of cohesiveness lie the pieces of life. life very rarely is handed to us complete. most of us, if we’re honest with ourselves, are wondering, wandering and stumbling across this land finding pieces that are slowly fitting together. they’re beginning to take shape. something is emerging. in the middle of this chaos, we pickup the pieces of our hearts, realize we’re leaving our fears behind, and we find out who we truly are.
in the midst of the whirlwind, we find life.
silence is both beautiful and breathtaking; and terrible and controlling.
its in the moments of silence that we are forced to listen to the things we try to hard to cover. its those monets we are made to sit down and look ourselves. its in those moments of silence we realize who we are. we realize our dreams… or realize where we lost them.
we realize who our friends are, and we realize those who may not fit into that mold anymore. we see the roads we need to walk, and we see who may walk with us, and who wont.
and if we’re brave… we welcome the silence. if we are willing to tear our eyes from the gloss and glitter we frantically attempt to distract ourselves with, and seriously look at what stares us in the face, we see the things we didnt want to see. we see whats real. whats true. whats here, now and whats not.
we hurt. we cry. we question. for some of us, we know this road. we’ve walked it before. we know the pain that it will bring. we know that this path brings fire and we know that fire burns. we bear the scars of having walked similar roads before. they are our battle wounds. and for most of us, we are fiercly proud of having lived through the hell that was that road. we may not look towards the next step on that road with happieness, but there is a joy in the pain.
as enraptured in the pain as we may be, we know that these moments, these times of silence, are always orchestrated by the master conductor. and no matter the pain we feel now, our tears will blend together into the beautiful symphony that is going to be our lives.
we welcome the silence. because in silence we change. we become less of who we are and more of who we want to be.
one day my ashes will return to earthly slumber
spread far and wide across the desert and the sea
until then i will live each day in awe and wonder
and look forward to each sunrise
spread far and wide across the desert and the sea
until then i will live each day in awe and wonder
and look forward to each sunrise
does it say anything about my growth, or lack of growth when i look back on the past 2 years of my blog and realize that i am still learning the same lessons i was in 2003? it probably says volumes. do you consider it failure? or, do you just realize that learning these lessons is what life is all about?
i think its both.
im slowly realizing that ive been waiting… waiting on life to start. ive been waiting to jump into all that ive wanted to do. ive been waiting for circumstances to get better, for life to stop falling apart, to stop hurting, for more clarity.
and ive realized that im literally missing out on life. these challenges, these times of pain, these things that get only worse, these times of stepping out of the comfort zone, this is life. this is what living is all about. dont get me wrong, this isnt ALL there is, i know that. but for now, this is it. THIS is what im talking about.
its about declaring what your heart already knows. that right now, today is a beautiful day. and you’re the only one keeping you from realizing it.
its the guttural scream that it doesnt matter. that no matter what is thrown my way i am going to live life. I am going to laugh, i am going to cry, i am going to experience all that life has to offer. this is life. and i am choosing to live it.
its about knowing you are where your supposed to be. its about learning that you’re absolutely a genius at derailing your life… but its also knowing the one who can put it all back together.
its realizing that this isnt what i signed up for, this isnt what i dreamed id be doing at 25. this isnt the life i would have chosen to live. but for right now, this is all ive got. and nothing, absolutely nothing is going to stop me from living.
i may not be the person i want to be. heck, to be honest im no where close. im not ready for the things i wanted to be ready for. im not through dealing with the issues i wanted to be beyond. im not who i want to be. but im renewing my commitment to get there. im declaring to my saviour, im signing the contract. this is my declaration, my line in the sand, my….
my negative return.
even now your eyes are courting sleep
i’ll stay by your side as i have always been
sleep tonight, may your dreams reveal my love for you
beyond what i must do, do you know my plans for you?
to separate myself from where my treasure lies
then naked in this cold and lonely unforgiving life.
be stripped away of all delusions of the man i’d like to be
at the moment i am broken parts
sure of only weaknesses with nothing left to show
no illusions left to hide behind.
burning clean has been both agony and absolute release
can i hope to pass this test, is my destiny the wilderness?
the hardest part of letting go, is trusting you with everything
in laying bare my soul is truly seeing who I really am
Father what is man that You are mindful of him
can i pass this test? is my destiny this wilderness?
to stand alone
against a life of wretchedness
impossible to hope and so i plead Your graciousness
show me your glory
may my life reflect your presence
and never again find myself in anything less
when it’s all falling down on you
you’re crying out but you’re breaking in two
when it’s all crashing down on you
when there’s nothing you can do
when it’s all crashing down on you
when there’s nothing you can do
there is someOne who can carry you
there are times in life when all we know and relied on is seemingly ripped from beneath us. things you thought were forever suddenly dissapear and we’re left reeling. it may be a parents divorce, or the death of a close friend or relative…. whatever caused it, its not a nice feeling.
even when circumstances reveal themselves to be differnet than what they appeared… the emotional damage may already be done. and the recovery from that can take time.
i hope that tonite, if you find yourself stunned from something you thought would always be there, you can find hope in the fact that you’re not the only one. you’re not alone. and that sometimes these times serve to remind us that maybe, just maybe we turned our attention from our first love.
its in those times when we either run to someone… or to someOne. its in those times we can see whats truly in our heart. our ability, or stark inablity to love unconditionally. our ability or inabilty to continue to trust, to have faith, to hope when our hope has been attacked, and our hearts wounded.
to remain thankful even in the difficult times.
oh Lord, please light the fire
that once burned bright and clear
replace that lamp of my first love
that burns with holy fear
that once burned bright and clear
replace that lamp of my first love
that burns with holy fear
oh Lord, You’re beautiful
Your face is all i seek
and when Your eyes
are on this child
Your grace abounds in me
sometimes, in our most selfish, if we take just one moment to stop… we realize the depths of depravity we can sink to. and we realize again how much we have to be thankful for.
there have been many changes over recent weeks. some i knew were coming, others caught me offguard. some are good, some have left me reeling and hurting. some were tremendous blessings, others may be blessings in disguise.
but in that, there is a peace. there is a knowing that no matter what changes. no matter the rugs that are ripped from below our feet… no amout of pain or heartache. in the midst of mist, the mist of questions that are unanswered… there is a peace.
a peace in knowing that im not alone through all this. that there is a reedemer. one whos is constantly looking for me. looking out for my best. even when all i can seem to do is find what i want. this one still holds out hope that ill come around and follow what is truly best for me.
nannykate asked me to update my blog. because its been quite a while. i know it has hun. and im sorry. so much has changed even recently, i honestly dont know where to begin. but its so good to hear from you. and i guess you’re part of the reason im blogging right now.
you’ve had more than you fair share of pain. you’re still young and you’ve been through so much. and yet you continue to chose to live. you wake up next to the man you love. you… you live.
and that inspires me.
seeing 7 astronauts entrust there lives to a small white capsule as they hurl themselves into the unknown of space inspires me.
i was listening on the way to work this morning to the countdown for the shuttle… and as they were broadcasting the radio communications from mission control, one of the controllers said something odd…
negative return
discovery had reached the point of negative return. as i quickly learned, that point during liftoff is when; due to speed and altitude, even if something was to go wrong, there is no turning back for the men and women on board.
that was the point of no turning back.
and from inside of me… that rang true.
ive not spent enough time of late listening to that voice. the voice that whipsers that there is more. that there is still sunlight to be felt on my face. that the dust that clouds will disappear. that life is more than this. and that reaching that point of no return, and moving beyond it… is when we truly will expierence life.
imagine it… less than 600 people have ever been in space. less than 600. thats one in 10 million people. less than 600 people have ever reached the point of negative return…
its a risky and dangerous point. there are no guarentess after that point. no promises of safety, or of a safe return (i.e. challenger, columbia). yet they pressed on. they expierenced something that most everyone never will.
they lived.
if you were to ask me if, even after all ive seen, would i be willing to press through negative return… id answer no.
and im ashamed of that.
im sitting here asking myself what happened to the joy? to the excitement of the Christian walk? what happened? where did i leave it? when did i stop pressing forward and become content with the mundane? when did i trade a life of take up your cross and follow me… for the life of take up your day planner and go to work…
what happened to the boy who wanted to see the dead raised? who had dreams and desires of becoming a pastor? what happened?
…..
life will continually make us face moments of negative return. and most of them will never be anywhere near as large as the ones that 7 crew members faced earlier today. most of them will be small and seemingly insignificant. most of them will be easy for us to overlook. they will seem to be small annoyances that snap us out of our mundane lives. they will be the things that will make us late for work, or look weird at school… they will be the times when we chose to swallow who we truly are for the we that we want others to see. they will very rarely be events. they will almost always be somethign we can forget about. but each time we chose to back down, to live a life below the one we are called to live… we take one step farther from our goal of the ultimate negative return. we chip away a little bit more of that dream that keeps the core of who we are, the real us, alive.
these 7 men and women made hundreds of yes decisions when they were preparing for this mission. they answered the call to follow those dreams long ago. and only today were those dreams fulfilled.
deep inside of us is the holy roar that crys out to each of us to break away from the pack. to step into nothingness…..
and maybe… just maybe… just like the astronauts, we will hear the holy roar, the call for something more and learn to fly.
God bless our crew….
ive been slacking in my quest for 30 days of thankfulness. sorry. tonite will most likely be brief as its late.
tonite, i am thankful for the little things. for walking into my room and finding one of my sisters firmly planted in the middle of the bed. my bed, in my room, watching my tv. during another time and another place, that would have freaked me out entirely. now, its just a good thing.
i am thankful for seeing another sister come home from a long days work looking like the incredibly beautiful young woman she is. seeing the grace and elegance she has. and just knowing that the job she’s currently at isnt all that there is for her. knowing deep inside of you that her future is bright and beautiful and amazing and mind blowing and so much more than she could ever dream. knowing that, and wishing you could show her what you see.
i am thankful for being here. being in texas. for Gods plan. for hot sauce and for milkshakes. im thankful for my little sisters dog. and im thankful for IM convos with the greatest of people at 1am. i am thankful for the little things. i am thankful for the big things.
i am also thankful to be alive.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 