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im slowly realizing that life will always be throwing crap at me. when ive conquered one thing, another will step right in and take its place. i need to stop freaking out whenever another bomb drops. and the past 24 hours have brought two.
but you know what? the sun will still rise tomorrow. people will get up. they will go to work. beyond that, i’m not in london right now. im not in the Florida panhandle. im here… and in my life tomorrow, the Son will rise.
this is our time. oh my freakin i am alive. and i need to start acting like it. no matter what may come my way, my life is in His hands. and Lord, i recomit myself to that, to your purposes and to you even right now. forgive my wanderings and…. do whatever you need to do in me as quickly as it can be done.
todays thankfulness item? a future. i am thankful for my future. for the future of my family. for my sisters, for my mom. assured. guarenteed. Christ signed His name in blood to promise that to me. and i need to start living like i believe it.
the question at hand,
help me understand is this your plan?
i think i can,can i think? then i think i can
because i wont break (nah)
and i wont shake (nah)
with lifted hands to this man (Jah) i stand in faith
ill make it through with my trust in you
close my eyes, make a wish, kiss the sky
cos now i see you
tonite was rough. i thought i had my “thankfulness item” all lined up. but something changed. i could go into more details, but actually i dont want to. all i really want is a cup of coffee. a cup of coffee, a close friend and a good, deep, soul satisfying conversation. we cant always get what we want.
which leads me to what i am thankful for…
the crappy times. or more directly, the things we can learn through them. some things can only be learned through the shi…. um, crap that life throws at us. humility, mercy, true love, compassion… those things we all want and desire to recieve and to give, but the longer im alive the more i realize that those cannot be birthed in us except through fire.
so thank you Lord for the fire. for the changing in me. help me to stay where you want me, just please… dont ever leave.
todays post is probably going to be short. but in that, eternal in what i am thankful for.
grace. i am thankful for grace.
abundant, overwhelming, indescribable, uncontainable, unstoppable, all encompassing, all covering, all wonderful, all as a gift… grace, for me.
Father, thank You for Your grace. for loving me even though sometimes i neither show Your love, or love for You. forgive my weaknesses. and please, help me to fill my atmosphere with praise.
sometimes the things we need to be thankful for are the things we may not have right now. but the things we’ve had. the things we’ve experienced. the things that we may not have access to at this very moment, but none the less, the things that impacted us.
so, for me today… on day 2 of this 30 day journey, i am thankful for fellowhsip.
whoopdeedoo right? you need to realize though. i dont have it right now. not at any discernible level. i dont have a church to call home. or a group of friends here to talk with regarding the issues facing us 20somethings… or heck, even to just hang out.
but ive had those things in the past. ive been a part of, and a lot of times lead, those times of fellowship. ive had a large group of friends, ive had fellowship.
and even though i dont have those things right now…. i know how important they’ve been and are.
so Lord, thank you for fellowship. for friends and times with those who love you. and when im ready Lord, bring that back into my life… please.
sometimes in the midst of the mundane, of the day to day we forget how much we truly have. and sometimes, its during those times that heaven speaks. and we realize things.
things like: your attitude sucks.
and mine has over the past few weeks. ive spent a good portion of my free time stewing over things i wasnt able to do. i was using the term “missing” things, but in all reality, it wasnt truly that. it was more just being slightly miserable.
and as i was washing my car today, that thought came to me. and with it, the desire for change. now, i can tell you right now that this in no way is a sudden 180, oh heck no, im way to cynical for that. but it is a step in the right direction.
today is day 1. day 1 of 30 days. 30 days, 30 posts, 30 things to be thankful for.
thats my goal. who knows, maybe ill start some wacky blog tradition and be a hero. or something. anyway.
#1: i am thankful for my car. yes i know, somewhat shallow. but in all honesty i am very thankful for it. she is still beautiful, drives great and is almost paid off! woohoo! and besides, i was washing my car when this all came to me.
ok, day 1 is done.
now its your turn.
Lord, help me to retrain my eyes to see how much Youve done for me. awaken me again to the beauty of grace, the simplicity of trust and the wonder of You. thank You for You.
hahahahahahaha
God is in control.
and be it in the big or small ways we realize and see that… i think that for this time, this is what i should be learning.
i could post more, but for now, this is enough.
so ive spent the last few months constantly worrying. fretting non-stop that ive made or will make some massive mistake. some end-of-the-world, game over thanks for playing, bang bang your dead mistake.
fear sucks.
i know, deep thoughts for this evening huh? welcome to me drowing in the depth of a parking lot puddle. but thats fear in a nutshel isnt it? a parking lot puddle. dirty. murky. so filthy its almost opaque…. but if you took that step and just put your freakin foot down you’d realize it was only centimeters deep…
and suddenly the parking lot seems a lot less intimidating. suddely, the things you’ve been fearing dont seem as overwhelmingly powerful. suddely you realize how much bigger the God who lives in you is compared to this measly, filthy collection of scum.
you take that step and suddenly your world changes. suddenly your point of view, your perspective changes. and your breath is taken away. and you realize that life may be littered with puddles. some bigger than others… some deeper than others. but thats just it… they’re freakin puddles.
ever see a dedicated runner out when its raining? they’re not dodging puddles. they’re not trying to sidestep the very byproducts of the world existing around them… they have a goal in place. their gate is steady. their eyes are fixed on the prize. now dont misunderstand, they are very aware of their surroundings… but they are focused not on their surroundings, but on where the surroundings point to.
puddles come from rain. and rain, from the rainmaker.
and if there is a rain maker, and if its true He loves me as much as He says He does, and if my steps are as ordered as He promises them to be, and if His plans for me are for good and not evil, for hope, and for an expected end… then who am i to let some dirty puddles stand between me and this rainmaking God?
Lord, you’ve given me these words. these words have not come from me. because right now, i dont feel this way. right now im still afraid. im still afraid of puddles. of messing up. of not measuring up. please help me to realize that your Son did all the measuring up that ill ever need. help me to rest in that…
and run to You.
i know, it has been a long time since ive really poured myself into this blog. ive had so many things to talk about. so many things in me that im realizing, that im afraid of, that i dont want to see, that i want to pretend dont exist.
to put it simply… i am afraid to hope.
that phrase, afraid to hope, came to me earlier today right before dinner. Mom bought each of us kids two books. two of her favorites. and honestly, my first reaction was one of fear.
it was a blessing to me. and i knew that. i concsiously knew it was meant to be a blessing. i knew that. it was something nice my mom wanted to do for me. it was, as she put it, a mushy moment. and i was scared.
im afraid to take anything that ill get emotionally involved in. im afraid to open up, to hope. to offer any part of my self as vulnerable to anyone. simply because i, simply because i dont want to lose anything else.
its a really sad and pathetic thought process. it was however, born out of the need to cope. now, its a chain thats drowning me in a sea of hopelessness.
i lost so much, that having anything that could be lost, simply terrifies me. i dont want to lose my family again. i dont want my past personal failures to determine my future. i dont want to lose my family again. i dont. i honestly, truly do not.
i lived 3 years apart from them. i did it. and i proved to myself that it could be done. and now that im back, i dont want to be apart again. at least, not under negative circumstances.
i want to hope. i honestly do. living in a hopeless existence is living in death. but im a very analytical thinker. and i want guarantees. i want promises. i want to know ill be ok. i want to know my family will be ok.
why do i still feel the same
though everything has changed
the pain it cost
now i feel lost
inside of my own name
though everything has changed
the pain it cost
now i feel lost
inside of my own name
but i keep running
i am running
i keep living for the day that im with You
that im with You
the past has left its stain
and i have felt ashamed
ill seize the day
if you take away
the chains of yesterday
and i keep running
i am running
i keep living for the day that im with You
and i am waiting
i am waiting
i keep waiting for the day that im with You
new day the sun is shining
seems im closer to finding
that life is more than what we hide
no way that i am turning
as along as the sun is burning
now it seems that all i want is you
to fear hope, is truly, to fear all that life can be. to fear hope is to remove all chances of being wounded, to remove all opportunity for hurt, to keep at arms length all that may damage or crush ones soul.
to fear hope, is truly, to fear all that life can offer. to fear hope is to remove all chances of being in love, to remove all opportunity for joy, to keep at arms length all that may bring completion, blessings and honest compassion that may help heal ones soul.
to fear hope, is truly to fear all that life is.
i dont want to live life like this.
dont give up on me yet
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
this day all i want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
ive seen enough
and its never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
take me away
take me away
ive got nothing left to say
just take me away
someone once said that there is love in the red letters. and i believe that the best thing i can do right now, is close with those selfsame letters.
bless the Lord, o my soul: and all that is within me, bless His holy name. bless the Lord o my soul and forget not all His benefits. who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases. who redeemeth your life from destruction, who crowns you wit lovingkindness and mercies, who satisfies your mouth with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles.
the Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and plenteous in mercy. He has not dealt with us after our sins, nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. for as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward them that fear Him. as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
but the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear Him, and his righteousness unot childrens children….
bless the Lord all His works in all places of is dominion, bless the Lord o my soul.
so i finished reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.
and it talks so much about christian men who live passionless lives. lives devoid of fire. lives devoid of righteous anger. lives devoid of a reason for waking up in the morning.
they’re good guys. very good guys. they’re the guys who treat women with respect. they open doors. they dont look at porn. they make a good living to provide for their wife and 2.3 kids. they tithe. and they are utterly dead inside.
the do not live. they simply exist.
and for the past few months thats how ive felt. im trapped. my passions for so many things, sound. youth. worship… everything that used to make me me isnt accessible down here.
and that needs to change. because life sucks when you just exist. im not sure how, im not sure what it will take but it needs to change. because i REFUSE to live a mediocre life…. screw the status quo. id rather die than live a passionless life.
life is meant to be lived.
I am a part of the “Fellowship of the Unashamed”. I have Holy Spirit power. The die is cast. I’ve stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I’m a disciple of His. I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, chintzy giving and dwarfed goals.
I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits or popularity. I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by presence, lean by faith, love by patience, live by prayer and labor by power.
My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven, my road is narrow, my way is tough, my companions few, my guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, diluted or delayed. I will not flinch in the face or sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of my enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
I won’t give up, shut up, let up or slow up ’til I’ve preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up and stayed up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go ’til He comes, give ’til I drop, preach ’til all know and work ’til He stops.
And when He comes to get His own, He’ll have no problem recognizing me. My colors will be clear.
(thanks mateo)
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 