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im learning that bravery doesnt always mean victory. and that courage doesnt always equate success. i’m learning that the bravest things we can do rarely reflect the courage you’ll see in a movie. it is rarely glamorous or beautiful. more often than not, you wont find real courage shouting from the top of the mountain turning the tide of war.
im learning that the stories we read, frodo of the shire, william wallace, the spartans, maximus in gladiator, that although each of these characters display the various shades of courage, they paint glamorous images of bravery that dont always translate into real life.
im learning that you’ll find courage in the day-to-day. if you’re looking for it, you’ll find it in the single mom holding down a job while raising a toddler. in the divorcee who still aches from the missing piece. in the teacher who loves her children beyond their hardships and in doing so, changes a generation in their community.
im learning that bravery doesnt always shout. sometimes, in rare moments, bravery whispers. if you’re quiet, you’ll hear it. in the hushed determination of the heartbroken to keep her heart beating, in the whispered prayer of the faithful, in the quiet decision of the wounded, to keep loving.
sometimes the bravest thing we can do is to step out on that branch, give away a chainsaw, and face our greatest fears. even if it means we fall flat on our face.
if you’re reading this blog, then chances are you’ve been to a doctor dozens of times since you were born. from your childhood yearly check-ups to broken arms, from booster shots and minor surgery to emergency rooms and major issues, we’ve all seen doctors.
the average investment in time a person makes to sign their name “MD” is 11 years. 1 1 years of schooling. 11 years of dedication, hard work, tests, progress, mistakes, and learning from mistakes culminates in the bestowing of the title of Doctor.
when a highschool student decides he wants to look into the field of medicine, the road ahead of him, no matter his choice, is mapped out. should he want the distinction of signing his name with those two impressive letters, there is a plan for that. should he want to go into nursing, or radiology, or plastic surgery, or dermatology or any of the dozens of choices he has, there is a defined plan for that path. a plan of challenges, tests, steps that need to be taken and tasks that must be competed.
a student doesnt decide to become a doctor and then wonder how to get from where he is in life, to where he wants to be. yes, there will be challenges. he’ll have to sacrifice sleep, time, money and countless other little things. he’ll face tremendous hardships, but the plan, the map is there. if he sticks to the plan, at the end of those 11 years, he’s a doctor.
this doctor successfully pushed himself through 11 years of training. valuable training, for this doctor may hold peoples hearts in his hands. but if we’re lucky enough to be healthy people, our actual time spent with a doctor during a visit will probably be less than 10 minutes. 11 years of training for for 10 minutes of time.
so where am i going with this?
we know the training a doctor will go through before he is tasked with momentarily holding someones life in his hands. it’s detailed and thorough, as well it should be. doctors are initiated into their profession through a long process of tests, success, victories and i’m sure, failures. and, not to belittle the profession by any means, but that’s just a doctor. it’s what someone does, it’s not who they are.
with so much effort already put into the plan, the map for this person to become the doctor he or she wants to be, it’s surprising that the same amount of effort isn’t already in place for other things a man or woman may want to become. what about the woman who wants to be a mother? or the guy who wants to be the best husband he can be?
what training exists for a man who may hold a womans heart in his hands for the rest of his life…..
and as i sit here tonight, i think about the doctor. and the years of schooling, of sitting under those who’ve gone before, learning from their mistakes. of the countless hours studying any of hundreds of textbooks that cover thousands of situations he may find himself in. and i wonder.
why is this fatherlessness thing so big to me? i’m not going to be a doctor, that’s not my calling in life. but someday, i hope to be a husband. and thats huge. someday i’ll hold the heart of a woman in the palm of my hands. and i want to know what to do. i want to have gone through 11 years of learning, studying, absorbing the wisdom and learning from the mistakes of the countless men who’ve gone before me.
i’m learning a lot about this thing called fatherlesness. and as much as i know people dont view that as a big deal, it is.
it is for me.
why? because there is a guy. and because there is a girl. and this girl deserves a man. a man who knows how to love her. and fight for her. a man who knows where he came from, who’s been through the training and has learned from the elders, a man who is skilled and capable and strong of heart. a man who doesnt question his lineage but knows the ancient paths that have been walked by men for millenia. a man, initiated into this thing called manhood, by the men who’ve gone before.
why is all this so important? because beyond doctorates and medical degrees, beyond 11 years of schooling and 10 minutes per patient, beyond whatever profession i chose, who i am and who i become are infinitely more important.
and because loving her will be the most important thing i ever do.
i’m beginning to believe that this year will be defined by my search for significance. for meaning. for purpose.
i dont pretend to believe that i wont face battles this year. as many internal, as external. i know i’ll make mistakes, there is no doubt of that. this? scares me. becoming the man i want to be, becoming an (adam) scares me. i like answers, i like having them. i dont like stepping into situations without a plan, without having thought through the various outcomes and how i would respond to each. it’s the control-freak part of me. and i hate being that way.
i hope putting that out here, actually saying that i struggle with it, is a step in the right direction.
when this year draws to a close, i want to be able to say that i found my significance, my meaning, my purpose and source of strength in the One who is authoring this story. in the One i can trust.
i’m one week into my 30th year. and my prayer is that at the end, i will be able to say i lived a year worth living, to its fullest. that i learned to dance, fall in love, let someone in, and let things out. i want to stand at the end of my 30th year knowing i loved fiercely, with all i was. that i loved unconditionally. that i, well, simply this
i will offer up my life
in spirit and truth
pouring out the oil of love
as my worship to You
in surrender i must give
my every part
Lord, receive the sacrifice
of a broken heart
part of this journey, of these letters, will be facing my demons, my fears, my wounds. and bringing them to light. and last nights post, was just that. was what i hope is the beginning of this journey.
because if i truly want that change, if i truly believe that my future (eve) is worth the task given to me, if this dream is worth sacrifice, then it requires an honest appraisal of who one is. i cannot get where i want to be if i dont accept the simple truth about where i am. last nights post, was me, planting a flag on the map of life that said you are here.
it’s not my final destination, it’s not even tomorrows destination. but for this moment in my life, it defines a portion of who i am. at times, that portion seems huge. and at times, the definition seems huge. but they’re not final. they dont reflect my hopes, my dreams, my goals. or the type of man i want to be.
when this year began, i promised myself that this year would be a year of trying new things. of stepping out of old patterns of thinking, old ways of doing things. and my flag, next year, that says “you are here” wont be where this years is. it wont. because this is the year things change, i change. this will be the year definitions change.
that’s it. that one phrase defines who i am. defines my fears, my sleepless nights. my confusion filled days and moments of take-your-breath-away terror.
i dont know how to do this. i dont know how to be a man. i feel like a teenage kid stuck in a grown-up suit two sizes too big. i feel terrified. i can change the oil, pay my bills each month and look the part of being a man. but the important things are the things i worry about. falling in love, actually loving a woman the way she should be loved, becoming a boyfriend, husband and father… those things, i dont know how to do those things. i dont know how to be those things.
how do i present myself as a viable mate when all i know, the “how to be a man” handbook i was given was written my by father? where, how do i find the role model i need when so many years ago i gave up and came to the understanding that i’m alone and that ive got to make it on my own?
how do i find a role model, how do i find love, when i’m simply too afraid to let anyone in?
i want to love her with all i am. i want to care for her, be a light and an encouragement. but i want to love her from a heart that is free. the heart of a man. and maybe this is what fighting for someone really looks like. maybe im finally realizing that this is where things change, where pretenses and beliefs long ingrained begin to crumble. maybe this is where i face those three defining words and begin to see them changed.
Jesus – i dont want to miss her. whomever she is. i dont want to miss the chance to love her for all she is, with all i am. please, do this work in me, because i cannot do it on my own…
i’m not usually one for writing an end of year wrap up or typing out a list of resolutions for the year about to dawn. but this is different. this year has been different. and as the chapter of life labeled 2010 readies itself to be written, tonight is just… different.
i dont know if i could put my finger on one reason, on one specific moment this year that is causing this. maybe its the fact that this new year means more than just another year. the world simultaneously enters a new year and a new decade, and on saturday i turn 30.
maybe its those things, but i dont think so.
i think this is based on the fact that im not who i was in 2008, and tomorrow, i wont be who i was in 2009.
2009. a year of change, shock, challenge, pain. new hello’s, and what will probably be last goodbyes. victories and failures. grace and mercy. beauty and life. and so much of all of those came in one week this december.
part of me hurts to see this chapter of my life close. part of me is looking back at my 20’s wondering what happened. wondering how on earth i ended up where i am right now.
but part of me is reminded of something else. part of me is remembering two very dear friends of mine who after each living their own stories of heartbreak and single parenthood, found each other. and how earlier this year, a beautiful blended family was created.
love. overcame. all.
and that gives me hope.
why? because it shows, proves to me that love is out there. that life exists on the other side of 29. that even in the darkest moments and loneliest nights, God isnt done. that He can be trusted, even when we dont understand. and it reminds me that there are people out there worth fighting for. that endless beauty exists. and that when you find someone worth fighting for, you fight for them with all you have.
2010, the year of trying new things. of taking risks. of giving out chainsaws and never looking back. the year, the year that….
love. overcomes. all.
i sat this evening in front of the fire, Mickey’s Christmas Carol on the television, and as much as i wanted to be there, i wasnt. my mind wouldnt quiet. I love Mickey’s Christmas Carol, I love Christmas with the whole family under one roof even more, but even through all of that i kept noticing things.
the fire in the fireplace, two very large pecan logs. and id fought with it on and off all evening. it would flare up and fade out. i would go over and blow on it, it would flare up and fade out. lather, rinse, repeat.
we finally got it going. the logs were positioned incorrectly. they needed to be moved, repositioned. they needed to fit together differently. and that got me thinking. about how this is the last Christmas i’ll celebrate in my 20’s. about how many more Christmases we’ll actually celebrate under one roof. about how i hope next Christmas has all four of us under the same roof, plus some new members of the family:-).
it got me thinking about my positioning, and where i might need to change.
the two logs were in the proper place, they were the proper method to use to build a fire, but no matter how hard i tried, no matter how much kindling, or oxygen i could give the fire, it wouldnt catch. because the logs weren’t positioned properly. they were too close together.
too close, and they smother each other. too far apart and the fire, the heat dies. but positioned properly, and the fire burns for hours.
i’m reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. In it he makes the observation that we live so many of our days not pursuing what we actually want. we get up, go to work, come home, cook dinner and spend the evening in front of the television.
we live, spend, invest enormous amounts of time not pursuing what we truly want, what our dreams call for.
so as 2009 draws to a close and 2010 begins fresh, clean and new, as this decade moves from present to past, and as i look at ’30’ closer and closer each day, my hearts prayer is that i would be in the proper place, at the right time, and positioned in the right way to be a light and encouragement. to fulfill the destiny that i was called for. to live each day with purpose, with the knowing that i only get that chance, to make that day count.
i may stumble, i may even fall flat on my face at times…
but i will fall forward.
i came home tonight and i kept telling myself that i am where i’m supposed to be. that im there for a reason. that this responsibility i feel really is that, responsibility. and not just some over developed sense of something like guilt. that i’ll be back in new york when the time is right. or i’ll pour my heart out to that amazing woman when everything is finally where it should be.
maybe tonight i need to realize that this wasnt promised to me. that i wasnt ever promised a path that would give me the white picket fence and 2.4 kids. maybe i wasnt promised an easy road. maybe im realizing that what my heart beats so longingly for, is something worth giving up what i’ve gained.
donald miller, in his book called Searching for God Knows What talks about adam and eve. he speaks of the world God created, a world devoid of death, decay, crime, pollution, hatred and fear; a world where sin was absent. he speaks of God creating the animals, the plants, the sky, the firmament, the sun, moon and stars, all culminating in what we commonly see as the pinnacle of creation – man. and amongst this perfection, surrounded by every need being met in abundance, God said to adam that it wasnt good for him to be alone.
adam was perfect. surrounded by perfection. created by a perfect God. and yet God makes it perfectly clear that it was not good for Adam to be alone.
if you were to ask me, i’d probably embellish the story a bit. id want to say that adam was created with a yearning inside of him. a yearning for something that he had not yet seen. an emptiness inside that longed to be filled.
the facet of this that donald miller brings to light is something ive read dozens of times, and always missed. in one verse, God states very clearly to adam that it isnt good for him to be alone. i believe God confirmed to adam that he was created with this longing. and yet in the very next verse, God has every created thing present itself to adam. God gives adam the task of naming each creature that filled the earth.
what we dont realize, is the timing. if you believe in the idea of creation, then you need to realize that the task given to adam was no small matter. this wasnt something adam completed in a few minutes or even a few days. Adam was given the responsibility of naming somewhere between 10 and 50 million creatures. if you split the difference and say 30 million creatures, at an average of 1000 creatures a day, 6 days a week, adam may have easily spent the next 10 decades naming these creatures.
it’s almost as if God told adam “you shouldnt be alone” and then proceeded to show adam every single creature on earth, and why it wouldnt be his match. why it wouldnt fill the need inside of adam to love in a way that he’d never known.
i wonder if adam felt the same way i sometimes do, if – after God confirms for him something he’s felt since he was created and after he spends countless days naming each animal – he began to question. question if there was that someone out there for him.
i wonder what is written between the lines of those two verses. what adams nights were like.
i know i serve a perfect God with a perfect plan. i’m not arguing that. i’m just wondering what adam went through.
after 100 years, adam finally completes his task. and God creates eve. flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone. i wonder if it took adam any time at all to realize that eve was wholly different. different in every way from everything he’d seen in his century of work. if perfection could have become more perfect, it did in eve.
so where am i going with this?
it’s you. and thats what i’m finally realizing. this is for you.
im not saying im your adam, but i do know beyond any doubt that you are an eve. you’re worth what adam went through. you’re worth the endless days of work, the refinement inside of adam that must have gone on. you’re worth the century of waiting adam went through. you’re the prize that adam finally realized was waiting for him. you are worth fighting for. you are worth the innumerable days and nights of waiting on this perfect God and His perfect timing.
it’s not me. and that’s the other half of what i’m finally realizing. that this is really for you.
i cannot sit here and tell you that i want to be your adam while knowing i fly 1700 miles away in less than two days. so this isnt about me.
this is about you. and my prayers that you’re encouraged. that you realize that what you’ve always known existed inside of you is something of endless beauty. that i know it must not be easy to be single and almost thirty. i know that. but please, hang on. wait for that man who will be your adam. who’s willing to follow the perfect voice of a perfect God and His perfect timing. that man who needs an eve to be on the other side of the task he’s been given.
you are an eve. always and forever. it’s not something you can change, you were born that way.
so please, dont give up. dont settle.
your adam is out there. and he’s fighting for you. and he needs you to be there, when his task is done.
i think im finally beginning to see what it is that im being hurled towards. i think im finally grasping what im fighting through the crowds to see. to obtain. i think im finally beginning to see what this towering inferno is. what it represents.
my fears.
my fears of being found out. of letting someone in. of that someone i let in, finding out. that im fallible. and in so many ways, a failure.
ive lived my life only allowing certain pieces of who i am to show. terrified of not being accepted for who i truly am, for what i truly like. for the mistakes ive made, for the passions ive buried deep and for the things that break my heart.
as far back as i can remember, my heart has longed for a guidebook for this journey. a handbook on how to be me, 10 steps to becoming a man of God and other neat things….. or something to that effect. a map, or even a street sign simply pointing me down the road i’m supposed to walk.
maybe i’m beginning to learn that it’s less of a road, and more of a direction, or a goal. maybe this towering inferno i’m running to isnt so much something found on a map, but the construct of decades of living in fear. and maybe thats why i know i need to get to the top. to stand there, amidst the flames.
and watch my fears burn.
dont ask me where this image came from, because im not this creative. i dont think like this. it just flashed in my head. a picture if you will, of where i am currently. where im running to. where life is taking me.
i saw myself running against the crowds. fighting, pushing, shoving my way against throngs of people all running away. away from a towering inferno. a 20 story building on fire. thousands of people are running from it, in terror. and im fighting my way through the crowd, running towards it.
why? honestly, i’m not sure. i dont know why it just popped into my head, or why it resonated to loudly to me. i dont fancy myself a firefighter, i’ve never wanted to be one. and even though i was running towards the building, i wasnt going to put it out. because that fire to me, signifies life. signifies calling. it signifies where i am headed. and even if im the only one stupid enough to run towards the heat, the flames, so be it.
in this image, i knew where i was headed. my eyes were wide open. and there was no doubt in me about where i needed to be. i needed to be in that building. on fire.
i wasnt dependent on the crowds, i didnt need their approval or ok to go in the direction i was headed. my eyes were open, my hope was strong.
and i knew where i needed to be.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 