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if i disappeared tomorrow, what would i leave behind? what legacy would carry on beyond just me? would people tell stories? would my life be worthy of remembering?
im slowly realizing that each day im alive, i’m gifted with the blessing of a blank canvas, a brush, and a pallet of colors to chose from. and each day, im faced with the challenge and responsibility of painting how the day will go. how i will chose to act, and react. how i will speak, and how i will listen.
what colors do i paint with? what colors do i chose to use?
what memory will be left when im gone? what will people remember about me?
im realizing that my lack of deep relationships here in texas directly impacts the depth and passion with which my colors will come through. there is no deeper a blue, or vibrant a red, no more alive a green than what comes from mixing your colors with those of someone you care for.
friendship breeds color, and the vibrant brightness of life.
when im gone, i want people to look at my paintings and know that i lived a full life. i want them to see the green of the hills in Ireland, the gray skies of a Scottish morning, the deep blue of Australia’s coral reefs. i want them to know that the red of my love burned deep, for my saviour, and for my wife.
paintings like that, colors as rich as the experiences this life can offer, dont come overnight. they’re birthed each day, when you wake up. when i wake up. colors like that come from risk. from allowing yourself to be real. to be a friend, even when you’re afraid. colors like that are born from the real, gritty experiences that can be found only by living life fully.
if i want colors that rich, then the blackness of my nights will be that much darker. the deep blue pain will be that much more sharp. the gray of loneliness will be that much more real.
life in so many ways is an all or nothing ordeal. many times, you will not be able to pick and chose the experiences you walk through. if you chose to live life to its fullest, it will be breathtaking, it will be filled with love. but you will also feel pain and you will know intimately, the sting of betrayal, and the heartbreak of loss.
i cannot help but feel that when Christ called his first disciples, that deep in their soul, they knew that this calling, this question to follow the One they’d only just met, they knew that His offer carried with it the weight of a life fully lived. a life filled with the brightest colors this world could offer, but also the darkest nights they would ever experience.
and here we are, 2000 years later still standing in awe of the lives they lived.
i want that.
i’ll take the dark nights, the deep blue of pain and the aching gray of loneliness. i’ll take those because i’m listening to His call. and i’m choosing to follow.
we’re 14 days into the new year.
the past two weeks have flown by. 2 weeks. 1/26th of this year. gone.
how have i changed? what have i learned? am i better at this point than i was 1 year ago today, 14 days into 2008? i hope so.
i hope ive become more dependent on Him. more aware of his authorship of this story, and of my role in it. i hope i know more so now, than i did last year, that the depravity i see in the world would exist in me if it wasnt for Him, for grace.
i hope i’m a better person.
all i know, is that tomorrow will come. there isnt anything i can do to turn back the clock. and whether i spent 2008 bettering the world, and hopefully myself -or- whether i wasted it, i cannot change it. it’s gone.
history, and now part of my story.
ive thought a lot about developing a list of resolutions, things id like to see changed in my life. but in all reality, i think my goal for 2009 needs to be His grace. to find my meaning in His name. to hang on for all i am to His dreams for my life, to what He says. and to remember grace.
because grace is the reason i woke up on January 1, 2009. it’s the reason i’m here. and if you’re honest, its the reason you’re here.
who knows, maybe this bi-weekly commentary/review of my life will continue throughout 2009 in lieu of a list of resolutions…. but for now, i think the best thing i can do this year….
is to remember grace
i found myself stumbling down memory lane. not so much memories of what was, but of what could have been. had decisions been different. had i been someone in a different place, a different time, many years ago.
and i found myself wondering if she would have been mine. would we, could we have wound up together?
i’m not obsessing. im not. because i havent thought of this person in some time. but she popped up on my facebook. and i remembered how sweet her spirit was, how honest and sensitive her heart was. and i wondered.
my heart broke as the realization came that more than likely, she had in some ways, abandoned her faith. she had found her solace, in a man. and although i am thrilled for her. i hurt too. because of what she may be missing. and because in so many ways, i am just like her.
how often do i settle for less than His best? or concede things i should fight for?
would i have fought for her?
when i meet the her im supposed to meet, will i fight for her? will i fight to keep her safe? to protect her honor and valor? to defend her relationship with the Author of this story? will i be a man who protects and cherishes her heart? or will i be a point of concession? a footnote in the story?
love confuses me in so many ways. but i believe that’s a good thing. there is a supposed to be mystery, suspension. something there that doesnt quite make sense but is beautiful and breathtaking and terrifying all at once. love is supposed to rip you open and completely destroy what you thought was true. love is supposed to change everything. its was created to be the pinnacle of this story that we live.
someday, i hope i find it. but beyond that, whomever you are out there, i pray that i will be man enough to be more than just a footnote in your story. i pray my love for you, and for the Author of our stories, will be strong enough…. to love you for you.
i had a conversation with someone earlier today. one that ive had with myself more time than i can count. and i came to realize that we are all, our own worst critic. and because we berate and beat ourselves so, because we’re so hard on ourselves, we never truly see the beauty that’s being created inside of us.
we never realize that our scars, are the very things that give us our beauty. we never realize that our stories, our stories of hope, of battle, of victory… of loss, of pain, and of abandonment…these stories weave together to create in us the very things that make us beautiful. these stories are a part of who we are, and when we look at them separately, when we dissect them and take then apart piece by piece. we lose. always.
if you look at the parts of who i am, i am a failure. if you were to take apart my relationships, my job, my history, my passions, my sins… and review each one, i would be found faulty, broken and without defense.
my stories would each, individually, persuade you that i am a failure. a broken, overly emotional man with a serious fear of commitment. these stories, in and of themselves, would tell you im damaged, un-whole, and unwholesome. unable to love, and unlovable.
hydrogen, helium and other elements. thats it. that, in its barest form, in its individual parts, is a star. hydrogen, helium and other heavier elements. cosmic leftovers. and in and of themselves, useless.
but if you stand back, just a bit and take in the bigger picture, you’ll realize that a star is more than that. you’ll realized that it was placed there, by a hand much larger than yours. you’ll realize that it’s not just one star, but billions. and you’ll realize that with your naked eye, you hardly see the tiniest percentage of whats out there.
you’ll realize that a star is more than the sum of its parts. its more than hydrogen or helium. you’ll realize that just one star, points the way north and has been used by humans for centuries to navigate by.
stars, together, have told stories, been the stuff of myths and legends, acted as omens, and a sign of things to come. one star, even heralded the coming of the One who knows each one by name.
im not perfect. far from it. in fact, in the lens of grace, you’d see every one of my imperfections. you’d see how truly unlovable, and unable to love i am. you’d see me for how wretched of a person i am.
but its this very lens of grace, that cost the life of the only perfect person who ever walked this earth, its this very lens… that deems me lovable, whole, and able to love.
so yes, if you take my life apart, i am broken. i am damaged and unholy. i am loveless and unlovable.
but if you take a step back, and see my life through the lens of grace, if you see your life through the lens of grace… you’ll see the beauty that i’m learning exists in us all. you’ll see your scars not as ugly, but as testaments to who you are. to how far you’ve come, and to who this One is, who promises to heal the broken hearted.
i may have a long way to go to become the person that grace tells me i can, but i want to. because grace is amazing. grace makes me beautiful, and it makes you beatiful. and more than anything, i want to see that beauty.
a phrase i throw around with altogether too much abandon. but in this case, for tonight, i use it as it should be used.
because only God could have known how December would turn out. that i’d have surgery, react to the anesthesia, be sicker than I’d ever been, ride in an ambulance, and be out of work for almost 2 weeks.
its a weird feeling. and its strange timing.
i was given a promotion the morning before i had a doctors appointment. 5 hours after the doctors appointment, i was being prepped for surgery. and two days later, i was headed back to the hospital, in the back of an ambulance.
i’m ok. i am. and even with all that has transpired, my physical body is ok. it is. the reaction to the anesthesia was easily controlled within minutes of getting back to the hospital. and by that afternoon, i was a new man. so please, whatever you do, my point tonight is not for you to worry about me. its not.
its to set the stage.
to share with you how crazy December has been.
its me, realizing that i’ve found my identity not in my calling, or doing good, not in my Savior, or His promises of who i am, but in my work. and its me, realizing that after not being at work for so long…. i feel lost.
i feel lost because i found myself in my work. in clock-punching. not in serving, or in worship, or in falling at the feet of the One who gave His all so that i could live this life.
but in work.
its not an easy thing to learn and its even harder to act on. its one thing entirely to say that one trusts God when one just received a promotion. its another thing entirely when one hasnt been at work a full day since receiving said promotion. and knowing that ‘restructuring’ occurred while you were out recovering.
its one thing entirely to trust Him when your finances are steady, and you trust that your job will be there in the morning. its something else entirely when you’re physically incapable of going to work. and you’re left to face your fears, your shortcomings, and your realizations that you found your value in what you did. and not who you are… or who He is.
its me, realizing that my priorities are wrong. and that even if i am out for another week, or even two weeks, that my identity isnt in my job. that its not in promotion, or loss… its not in being successful or failing… its knowing that my identity stands in the love of the One who came for me.
it’s Christmas. the season of hope. of new beginnings. of a promise birthed 2000 years ago in a manger. a promise, made to me, that life wasn’t just clock-punching, that there is a calling on my life and on yours. and job or not, promotion or not, happy bank account, or not a dime to my name…. that He is trustworthy.
so, here i stand. my priorities are messed up, and i’m afraid. because i’ve lost who i am, who i really am. but this is Christmas. so i’ll fall at the feet of the One who came for me, and i’ll be ok.
Caedmon’s Call – Ten Thousand Angels
how long you have traveled in darkness weeping
no rest in language, no words to speak
but there in the wreckage beneath bricks and bindings
love has come, love has come for you
against the night sky of your waiting
your face is like starlight when he walks in
everything worth keeping comes through dying
love has come, love has come for you
so lift up your heart now, to this unfolding
all that has been broken will be restored
here runs deep waters for all who are thirsty
love has come, love has come for you
ten thousand angels will light your pathway
until the day breaks fully in the East
they will surround you and make your way straight
love has come, love has come for you
love has come, love has come for you
i think we live our lives based around them, even if we dont even notice.
we’re inherently creatures of habit. we do things the same way, every day. your morning routine? its the same, i can almost guarantee it. for me? i wake up, make the bed, let the dog out, make coffee… its always that routine. if i deviate, i forget to make coffee, or something else vital falls by the wayside.
my point, we live our lives based on themes. habits. things we’ve done before. things we rely on. and for better or worse, we dont like change.
i think the author of this story does His best to throw us curve balls. to get us to lift our eyes above the two dimensional lives we so often live, and realize that above us is this amazing sky filled with stars. to realize that letting the dog out and making coffee every morning isn’t all that there is.
that there are reasons for the responsibilities we’ve been given. even if we dont understand them. and that its ok we’re still searching for whatever it is we know our heart beats for. that, even now… there is someone else out there asking the same questions you are. and that saving who you are, and all you have, for that one… is worth it.
i think the Author, if He could, would tell us that our tears are precious. that the questions we ponder when its just us and our pillows… that He’s already got the answers to them. i think He’d tell us that there is a huge, wide world out there just waiting for us. that this life He created is aching for us to live it, as much as we ache to fully experience all that there is.
i think He’d say that, that its ok to keep questioning. and that its ok to feel. to hurt, and cry and be honest and real with who we are.
because if there is a Author, then we know this story has another chapter coming. that clock punching and coffee making are temporary. and that the pain of fixing what is wrong now, will be less than the pain of never changing.
so wherever it is you find yourself tonight, i hope you find healing in your pain. and a meaning in the name of this Author.
because if there is a sky blanketed by stars, then im going to hope and believe that there are whole chapters waiting to be written. that this road before me isnt all there is. and that things will change. soon.
i’m trusting Him. even though i dont understand. I’m still going to trust.
for tonight:
Stavesacre – Wither/Ascend
someday my ashes will return to earthly slumber
spread far and wide across the desert and the sea
until then i will live each day in awe and wonder
and look forward to each sunrise
i mean, seriously?
from the NYT via the consumerist: Wal-Mart employee trampled to death as mob tears door off hinges
God be with his family.
“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures”
-Thorton Wilder
Happy Thanksgiving
maturity is less the art of doing what is right, and more the imprinted knowing what is right. and doing it, even when no one is looking.
when i look at myself in that light, in the light that no one sees but me, do i like what i see? do i like who’ve ive become? where i’m headed? or what i’ve walked away from?
if there is one thing i need to learn, and have it engrained into me, it’s that my life is an example. every moment, of every hour of every day of every week. i am called to be an example. a witness. and its not even so much a calling as it is simple fact.
i watch people. and the way people act speak volumes about who they are, where they came from, and those that had a hand in forging and molding them. i wont sit under leaders who’s followers don’t exhibit the traits i want. so what does my life say? when people watch me…. what does my life say about those who spoke into me? who had a hand in forging and molding who i’ve become?
i know that ive been called for more. for more than this plane of existence. i hear the whispers, the voices on the wind.
and i need to follow.
i’m learning that 50% of life is if. 50%. why on earth would if be in life if it wasnt to remind us that we’re not in control. that there are bigger things at work here than we sometimes realize. that this life was meant to be lived with a view not just of today, but of the coming horizon. of the coming sunrise. of the hope and dreams of a future.
so what if if comprises the middle of this life. i’m going to live it anyway. i’m going to hope, and dream. i’m going to smile and dance. i’m going to laugh and love and learn.
hard times will come. a lot of times, that is what the if is comprised of. let them come.
i’m going to chose to be thankful. for an amazing Saviour, who’s there even when i doubt Him. and for the little things, like a boss who’s wonderful, or the sunrise today. or that its friday.
i dont typically post about the day to day goings on of life. but i felt that, at least for this one situation, i needed to. you see, i’ve been dealing with a situation at work thats not um…. ‘fun’. to put it mildly.
without going into details, because in the long run, they dont really matter… lets just say frustration was growing. and while i was stressing over it, over the if, at home no less, i realized something. i realized that i’ve got a great boss. a great boss who puts up with a heck of a lot more than i do. i’m thankful for my boss and for the job i have.
and beyond that, i’m breathing. right now. i’m living and alive. so heck yes, i’m going to live life.
bring on the if.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 