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im exhausted. i am. but i guess, in a way, its a good thing.
there are things you realize only when you’re drained. things that come to you only when you’ve exhausted your internal reserves. things you learn only when you drop your guard, simply because you haven’t the strength to hold it any longer.
sometimes those things we learn shake us to our core. sometimes those things destroy us. we may realize that, what we’ve run so hard from, is inside of us. or, we may see that we really have lost our way…
other times, the things we learn shake us, but they do not destroy us.
maybe we realize that our heart is healing. that spring is coming… that this winter of the soul that has lasted for far to long… is not forever. we begin to see the ice melt… and the promise of spring rains brew on the horizon.
our heart begins to beat again. and even if the first thing we feel, is how truly broken it is… we’re thankful. because for so long we thought we’d never see it reach out for someone else. we’re thankful to know we can still feel. still love. and still desire love in return. and even if that love isnt returned, there is still promise. because we realize we’re not totally broken. we realize that there is still destiny for us.
we realize that love is possible. and even if we dont know where our heart will find its match, we sit in thankful silence…. because we know that our heart is still beating.
we grow up having to be taught every thing we know. every single thing we come to believe as truth, we must be taught.
faith and doubt; fear, joy and pain… expectation, and never expecting again… we must be taught all of them.
faith may be nothing more, than allowing yourself to step into the child that you once were. when you had yet to learn to doubt. when expectations were the best thing in the world… and you knew, you just knew that there was nothing that your Father could not do.
there was no wrong so wrong, nothing so damaged, no hurt so painful that Dad could not fix. He was Superman, Batman and Hulk Hogan all in one. and He was your hero. and you believed with all your heart that your father would never ever, cause you harm.
i dont know where im going with this, other than to say that somewhere between knowing that as the foundation for who i was, and turning 27, i lost that.
and i want it back.
what am i doing?
that is the question ive been pondering tonight. what am i doing? with my life? with my talents?
what im doing with who i am? with the gifts given? with this breath, right here, right now. with the 100,000 beats of my heart that happened today? what am i doing?
its been said that if you throw a frog into a pot of hot water, he will jump for all he is worth to save himself. he will react. it is programmed into his core, his soul, from the time that he is a tadpole. he cannot help but jump.
but its also said that if you put a frog into a pot of lukewarm water, and slowly apply heat… the frog will never notice it. why? its built into his brain. he doesnt notice the slow temperature changes. he doesnt see his life fading… he doesnt see the fact that the water he is surrounded by, which was at one time inviting, is now killing him.
he doesnt see it. he doesnt see death coming.
there was once a time where i could tell you i was healing. where i could say that i was wounded, and needed the time, in the background of life, to rest, find help and healing… there was a time when that was truth. and, in many ways, its still truth.
but its not the whole truth. not anymore. now, saying that im wounded, is hiding behind my pain. saying that i need to rest is running from life. now, not ‘doing’, or to put it in better perspective, not living simply because i need something…. is a lie.
what am i doing?
there is a part of me that knows, and has known for some time, that im not where i need to be. ive lost passion. ive lost dreams.
do i feel the water around me? can i still, easily sense the temperature of what surrounds me? or have i dulled, have i become, senseless. have i lost my ability to see what is right in front of me?
what happened to the passion that was in my soul? the passion that would cause me to jump, for all i was worth, to save my self. to see dreams fulfilled? to see healing brought to those my heart beats for?
there is a story told of a time long ago. where, in a distant land, it had not rained for hundreds of days. famine and death were rampant. and answers were nowhere to be found.
mankind had lost its sensitivity to life. it had lost its ability to sense the water around it, and it was dying.
and its said that there was one man. one man, who knew what needed to be done. who heard the whisperings in his soul. who could still see, who still had a vision…who could still dream. one man who could still sense in his soul, the temperature of the water around him.
and when he prayed… he saw a cloud.
i want that. i want that passion. that drive. that dream that sees the dust of the desert, as a fertile valley. that sees passion in the passionless. hope in the hopeless. and healing for those who hurt.
i may not be done fighting my own demons. i may have more that i need to deal with inside of my own life…. but there is another calling now. there is something deeper. something that echos even louder, inside my soul. louder, just since i started writing.
there is a hope to be found. there is a peace that passes all understanding. this generation, MY generation, is a broken generation… but we will learn to dance.
lifted up
ive climbed with the strength i have
right to this mountain top
looking out
the clouds getting bigger now
its time to get ready now
cuz all i want
is all you have
come to me
rescue me
fall on me
with your love
and all you want
is all i have
come to me
rescue me
fall on me
with your love
i sit here tonight, not fully knowing exactly what im feeling. or for that matter, exactly what ill end up saying. i sit here tonight, seeking. seeking hope. vision. a dream.
words are echoing inside of my soul. words to a song ive not thought of for some time. words that question. words that bring light. words that drag the questions that were hiding in the corners of my soul into the harsh light of reality.
i sit here tonight, questioning. is the vision lost? or has it been past on? is there any use continuing?
i sit here tonight, and i know ive not yet allowed myself the time to deal. the time to think. ive not slowed enough to realize that life is changing, drastically, soon. and that sooner than i want, decisions will have to be made
in the midst of this, that quiet voice whispered to me. it reminded me of a time when i was passionate.
i want that fire, that vision, that knowing of your dreams to be alive in my life. i want it back. and its not. not yet.
i sit here tonight and im almost trembling because i know that i am feeling disjointed, incomplete, missing a part of me. i like positing when i know i can draw things to a close, when i can leave you (and myself) with a feeling of hope. with a direction, with a reminder that there is a reason to keep going.
there is. there is a reason to keep going. but i cannot end there. not tonight. because tonight, i am incomplete. this, is incomplete. my life, right now, is incomplete.
so im going to leave you, with this song.
his faithfulness, my hope
it brings comfort to my soul
with a still small voice whispering,
“call upon my name and i
will set you up on high
be still and know that i am God
seasons change. they have to. they were designed to only last for a time. they were designed to cause certain, specific things to take place. each season has its own destiny, its own purpose. and in that, each season causes all the others to be that much more effective. each season, in its own way, brings life. abundant, beautiful life.
reasons change. they have to. they were desinged to only last for a time. they were designed to cause certain, specific things to take place. each reason has its own destiny, its own purpose. and in that, each reason causes all the others to be that much more effective. each reason, in its own way, brings life. abundant beautiful life.
reasons change. they need to. im learning that our reasons for doing what we do, have to change. they cannont forever stay the same. summer cannot last forever, and thankfully, neither can winter. they are appointed start and end times. it is the same with our reasons.
texas; at least in its current reason, cannot last forever. because my reasons for coming here, are changing. i came here to be closer to the family. to find closure and healing for my wounds. to say goodbye. to find a new path. to rediscover hidden dreams. to heal. to cry. to chip away at the walls that surround my heart.
is this season done? am i through with it all? no. there is still healing to come. there is still discoveries that must be made. but my reasons are changing.
the season is changing. i dont know how, or where that may lead…. but ive known it for some time.
spring is coming.
our reasons for doing what we do, for being who we are, cannot stay the same. we are designed to learn, to experience, to taste, touch, see, and hear new things. we were destined for change. we were destined for life.
and for those of us who may find ourselves attacking mountains in our lives with nothing but a coffee cup, our reasons are the most important things that we have.
our reasons were destined to change. destined to challenge us. destined to help us find our way.our reasons give us hope.
our reasons keep our dreams alive. our reasons are what allow us to get up every morning, and keep on keeping on.
our reasons give us courage. and isnt that what this life is all about? courage to try new things? to face our demons? to forgive ourselves for our pasts? and to accept the reality of our dreams?
courage. to find our dreams.
and hopefully …to live them.
we all have regrets, things we wish we’d never ever done. things that haunt us in our dreams. things that interrupt our dreams… things that scream that we’re destined to fail. destined to let others down. destined to destruction.
we all have things in our past that we wish we could forget. things, choices we made, actions, words we wish would disappear. would fall off the planet and never again be remembered.
we all have a past. some of us have been able to shut it in a closet. and forget its there. others of us are still haunted by decision made long ago.
we’ve all built castles in the sand. and we, in our own way, have watched them crumble as the surf rolled in. we’ve all faced personal disasters. and ive come to the conclusion that the person hardest on us, is us.
you see, i believe in a God. i believe in a God who promised to remove our sins from us as far as the east is from the west. a God who promised to throw our sins into the vastness of the sea of forgetfulness. i believe in a God whos dream it is to restore us (humanity) to the position we lost thousands of years ago. i believe in a God who offers forgiveness, who sent His Son to pay for our sins. and to allow us a chance at abundant life.
i believe all those things… and yet i still replay my own failures. my own mistakes. i still focus on the diseased part of who i am, instead of the immense God who is waiting for me to step back, so He can step in.
i believe all those things… and yet i still fear. i still fear people finding out who the real me is, or was. i fear not being good enough. i fear not being forgiven.
i believe all those things, and yet… i fear.
i fear missing Gods will. not being good enough for His plans for me. i fear being unworthy of the dreams i carry deep within myself.
there is something to be said about being content with where you are at. with being thankful for what you have, and what youve been given. and there is tremendous truth in that. there is. and im a firm believer in working towards contentedness.
but there is something more.
i fear, but i know. i know there is more to life. i hear it echo off the walls in my heart. i hear it when im alone. i hear the cry in the wind. i hear it in the aching of this generation. there is something deeper. there is a prize worth fighting for. there is life out there, beyond what ive known. there is life.
there is hope. and there is forgiveness.
there is swimming in the sea… and finding your memories being lost in its depths. there is walking in the valley, and finding your life renewed by the presence of the One who will never leave.
there is forgiveness. and forgiving of ones self.
there is life.
there are symphonies still to be heard. symphonies contained within the whole of our beings, within our souls. there symphonies we are destined to play in. to write. to hear.
there is destiny. and there is life.
i give You my apathy
im giving You all of me
i want Your symphony
singing in all that i am
at the top of my lungs
im giving it back
and i lay my head back down
and i lift my hands and pray
to be only Yours
and pray to be only Yours
i know now
You’re my only hope
there are times when i seriously hesitate about posting something online. be it simple uncertainty, fear, or knowing its just not the right time… sometimes i wonder if clicking “publish” is the right thing to do.
last night was one of those times.
i wont lie and say i was feeling chipper. because i wasnt. i was rather down last night. and to be honest, i am not sure why.
Christmas did rock. flat out. 110% rocked. the whole day was amazing. heck, the whole three day event was amazing. christmas eve was a ton of fun, christmas morning was great. i gave some stinkin awesome gifts:)
sometimes finding the courage to dream simply means being real with what we’re feeling. dealing with it. bringing it out into the light… because sometimes we need to see things, in the light, to see them for what they really are. and that holds true for the battles we face. sometimes we simply need to expose them to the light, to see how small they really are.
and how truly blessed we are.
Merry Christmas
take my silence to mean whatever you wish. wether or not what you take it to mean; is truth, is a totally different issue.
we will always have battles to fight. demons that are ours and ours alone to spar with. some of us will always have areas in our lives that hurt.
areas where, in the heat of battle, we were wounded and we never found the healing we needed. areas that were cut, damaged, broken. and because of the hastes of life, and the possible need to find safety… these areas became scars.
medals of battles long since forgotten.
for some of us, dealing with those areas will always hurt. pain will aways be a reminder of what was lost. some of us may forever walk with a limp. but we will keep walking. some of us may never leave the confines of scar tissue behind fully. but we will still dream.
so, if your asking me if i am ok, if there are no after effects, no damaged areas, no shrapnel? if you’re asking that, then no. im not there yet. there is still pain. but i am still walking. i am still dreaming.
and i will not stop.
i wrote the above a few nights ago. and to be honest, i am not sure where it came from. or for that matter, on all evenings, why i should be feeling this way on Christmas.
i wanted to tell someone that i dont feel happy. that as hard as i tried, as much as i loved seeing the expressions on my moms face, my sisters faces as they opened the gifts… something was missing.
and i dont know what it is. or maybe i do. and maybe im simply chosing to ignore it.
or maybe, i simply dont know how to deal with it.
when you’ve lived so long with pain. with a wound. you begin to identify with it. you begin to believe that it is a part of you. and for some of us, the chaos and intensity of the situaiton(s) that inflicted that wound on us are so vivid in our memories, these wounds become more real to us than the vision of healing.
we identify with our wounds more than we identify with our friends, family, or beliefs. our wounds begin to define us. and we lose the definition of ourselves that we were writing.
part of me wants to simply believe the first part of what i wrote. part of me sees valor in it. sees a simple determination to keep walking. to not care what life throws at you. to look at life like a battle. something to be fought through, and not lived in. part of me sees that, connects with that, almost yearns for that.
because even in the midst of pain, it is safe. if only because it is familiar.
i could continue to walk down that road. and live life alone. i could. but to be honest, i dont want to.
sometimes finding the courage to dream means simply finding the faith, within ourselves, to pray for stronger arms to hold you.
so ill admit. when i asked for your prayers last week, i played down the situation just a bit. to be totally honest, the past two weeks were probably the worst two weeks, physically, ive ever had.
i was taking hydrocodone 4x a day. and towards the end of things, it barley touched the pain.
i couldnt sit, i couldnt stand, i couldnt walk. there wasnt a position i could be in that didnt hurt. and movement, simple movent literally took my breath away.
but i did my best not to complain. and to be honest, i subcomed to fear. i did. i wasnt honest with my family, or the doctors about how much pain i was in. i dont like doctors. and i paid for it.
sunday morning, i couldnt even sit on the toilet to use the bathroom. the pain was that severe. i lost in soon after in the shower. i just wept.
my mom came to tell me she was headed out to church, and to check on me one more time. it was at that point that two weeks of horrible pain, sleepless nights and fear came to the surface. and i did something i hadnt done in a long time.
i broke down. in someones arms.
i couldnt take the pain anymore. there wasnt anything i could do that was “right”. no matter how i moved, sat, didnt move, laid down, knelt… nothing helped the pain. and i simply lost it. and it wasnt just your run of the mill crying. i was sobbing. i couldnt help it.
fast forward 4 days…. and im feeling SOOO much better. im still recovering, so, i still would appreciate prayers. but i am so incredibly thankful to be feeling better. i am.
yesterday, i was on the way home from work. and something struck me. i was mulling over the past few weeks; how i could have handled it better, how i could have gone to the doctors earlier, if i had been a bit more patient, would i still have originally misdiagnosed…. and it hit me.
it took all that, to simply get me to crumble. to lay aside my defenses and simply ask for help. even if all that help entailed was a shoulder to cry on. its funny too, because thats just what i did. i cried on a shoulder.
it didnt help the pain. it didnt help the discomfort. it didnt help me physically, but it helped. it lifted the weight i had been bearing. it made me feel lighter.
then i got to thinking. what does it take in my life? pain, misery, discomfort, sleepless nights? simply to get me to be that real with my Saviour.
for me to fall at His feet. to be brave enough to crumble at the altar on a sunday morning… and find that shoulder. that shoulder to cry on. that shoulder that will carry my burden. and allow me to take His.
oh no
you never let go
through the calm
and through the storm
oh no
you never let go
every high
and every low
Lord, you never let go of me
there is no weakness in asking for help. if we were honest with ourselves, we’d probably say that our greatest moments of strength came when we let down our guard; and honestly, simply asked for help.
which is what im doing right now.
im asking for prayer.
for about 10 days now ive been battling an abscess. without going into details lets just say its located in an area that makes sitting very painful. i was misdiagnosed for about 4 days, so i only started on the antibiotics and uber-powerful painkillers on thursday.
to be honest, without the painkillers, i would hardly be able to move.
but you know what? this is Christmas time. a time of hope. a time of miracles. a time for reminding us what is truly important, and in finding that, we find life.
so i would ask for you to pray for healing. but beyond that, i ask that you share your hopes, dreams, and prayers for this holiday season.
we’re all in this together aren’t we? so, here is to the ride. to honesty. to being real, and in doing so, finding out what this whole thing is truly all about.
May you find hope, and have a very Merry Christmas.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 