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never stop learning. seems to be my theme for today.
what have i learned today? i learned that the world isnt always as big as it seems. ive learned that, sometimes… during the worst times of tragedy, the best in people shines through.
and ive learned that the world is sometimes a lot bigger than we think it is.
perspective. im begining to think that a lot of what we learn, and a good portion of what we dont has more to do with our perspective on life than almost any other variable.
some of you may have heard that ABC has offered David Letterman (the late show on CBS) a $31 million dollar a year contract to switch broadcasting stations. ABC wants to buy out the “late show”. whats wrong with that? nothing really. its business. but then i switched over to Nightline – the show David would be replacing on ABC.
nightline was the first of the evening news shows. dateline, 20/20, etc all followed Nightlines example. im not one to normally watch Nightline, but as i switch from NBC and Leno chit chatting about the proposed switch… i catch a glimpse of what Nightline is focusing on. a story that impacted every aspect of who we as Americans thought we were. what was the story about?
9/11
one of the reporters caught up with a professional photographer who has been at Ground Zero since day one. it was His story. he was granted a ‘mayoral photographer’ pass. which was technicaly, a Police pass to anywhere on Ground zero. some of His photos were breathtaking… and the stories he had? humbling, to say the least.
have we as a nation moved beyond the images of 9/11? i hope and pray that the images we saw that day, will forever be engrained into the very fiber of this nation. not only for the lives lost, but because of the results of that fate filled day. America – came together.
a generation without a cause, now had passion.
have i, as a human being – gotten so caught up in the troubles and trials in my life that ive forgotten how big this world really is? that the planets dont revolve around me? my life, in all its grandeur, is simply insignificant when view with the light of this nation.
perspective?
ill give you perspective.
perspective is knownig that your problems arent so bad.
perspective is knowing that you werent in 9.11
perspective, is realizing that you were lucky. –the photographer talked about a moment at Ground Zero when a hush fell over the entire complex. workers digging in the South Tower uncovered some human remains inside a crushed elevator shaft that had been burried under tons of rubble and debris. but the elevator shaft wasnt from the South Tower. it was from the North Tower. the elevator shaft – and the men inside – flew more than 100 Yards through the air before they landed… and was burried.
how anyone can live without God in times like these? i will never understand.
perspective is knowing that you’re not the one in control.
wisdom, is being ok with that.
i feel i have a pretty good perspective for this time in my life. the wisdom thing, im still working on.
i may make mistakes. i may fall. i may fall often. but i know where im going to land when i fall….
….in those same Arms that carried the wounded home on 9/11.
in those Arms that bled and died on a cross…. so that i wouldnt have too
in those Arms that know how much i can handle, and will never give me more than that.
im learning, that this world is so much bigger than i am. and im learning… that the impact i leave, will be so much bigger than i will ever be.
until the next installment of this life i think im living…
nite
went to the dentist today. fun little time getting going this morning. i forgot my wallet almost 1/4 of the way there so i had to turn around, find the wallet and then haul to get to the appt. 10 minutes late. ah well. could be worse. i dont like the dentist. but hey, at least i dont have to turn my head and cough. lets keep things in perspective:-)
perspective. its a hard thing to keep sometimes. especially with my dad.
if there was one specific thing – in this life i think im living – that could be described as an enigma, it would be my relationship with my dad.
on the one hand, im in awe of any man who would work for 30 years and be an expert in his field (electrical and mechanical maintnance) and after two layoffs, take a job waiting tables just to try to make ends meet in cruel and unforgiving world. he’s waiting tables. 30 years of work – expierence – wisdom. all for nought? tell me, exactly why would i want to plan out 5 years of my life, if… 30 years from now – i can look forward to minimum wage plus tips.
what really amazes me, he isnt complaining. he hasnt been allowed to see his family in months. christmas? christmas he spent alone. completely alone. He got to see his only son (me) for about 3 total minutes on my 22nd birthday. he isnt allowed to talk to his daughters. and his wife isnt even wearing her wedding band anymore. he rents a small room. and has absolutely no one to talk to. he lives in the same town as the rest of my family and yet he is competely alone.
and he is surviving.
that brings perspective
on the other hand, he could be – and probably is – the cause to most of the problems that our family is going through.
during the course of the day, i think we talked 7 times. i know, that this isnt the actions of a healthy man. but again… what would you do in his situation? i dont know.
im not sure what to think. what to feel. what to do. or even how to react. questions. all questions and no answers. questions about the future, about myself. would i take a job waiting tables? WAITING TABLES!!!! MY DAD IS WAITING FREAKING TABLES.
i guess maybe im looking for a guarentee of some sort. a promise – that my life wont end up like his. that my marriage, will be better. and maybe, that life is worth living.
or maybe, im just looking for a promise that things wont always be like this. that life wont always hurt. and that somehow.. sometime… my family will be ok again.
all i have to do is look to you
and i will never be the same
my lifes been changed
and like a child
i will play despite the rain
there isn’t much else to do is there?
ill see you in the storm
until the next installment of the life i think im living
have a cookie
and in tonites recap of the days events…
yesterday ended with a 4am nite. or morning. either way, i wasnt in bed till past 4. up and movin 6.5 hours later. had a lunch meeting with a pastor at my church. all in all, it went well. he encouraged me to “plan out” the next FIVE YEARS of my life. not a “this is your life, you must do everything you put on paper” type deal. more like just a roadmap of where i’d like to be.
thats what the whole thing revolved around. “pj, where do you see yourself in 5 years”.
5 years? oh my lord. i can hardly go 2 months from now. i dont have ANY idea where i want to be in 5 years. not a clue. their are so many things id like to do, so many things id like to be…. but i cant see the tangibleness of thinkin that far in advance when my family is falling apart. i dunno… does it seem a lil greedy to you? this is what I want? i dunno.
if i have learned anything these past five months – ive learned that “what i want” doesnt matter. period. it just simply doesnt matter. life never asks permission. my heart? my heart is to simply be where HE wants me to be 5 years from now. i seriously dont care what im doing. i really dont.
now. the question remains… is it my own personal distrust and cynicism regarding pastors in general playing into my distaste for the whole thing? or is the whole thing seriosly a waste of time? that question – and the many more probably to follow – will be unanswerable in and of myself. thats His job. my job? to remain submissive. to be where he wants me to be when he wants me to be there.
i dont remember any of the disciples having a 5 year plan for their lives. i dont remember moses, or abraham getting one either. all i remember…are two very simple and very profoud words – Follow Me. thats what im gonna do.
now, if -in this following. i should have a 5 year plan… then yeah. i will. and who knows. maybe ill even start it tomorow. i just wish i knew what i wanted. or better yet, what He wants.
either way, the sandwich i had for lunch was highly unimpressive. and the $21 fee for the mediocre food we ate was appaling. but hey. free food
and yeah, i just realized ive got a dentist appt. tomorrow. so i should be crashing soon.
so ill leave you with this – my song of the day
Bring it On
steven curtis chapman
I didn�t come lookin� for trouble
And I don�t want to fight needlessly
But I�m not gonna hide in a bubble
If trouble comes for me
I can feel my heart beating faster
I can tell something�s coming down
But if it�s gonna make me grow stronger then�
Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let the trouble come, let the hard rain fall, let it make me strong
Bring it on
Now, maybe you�re thinkin� I�m crazy
And maybe I need to explain some things
�Cause I know I�ve got an enemy waiting
Who wants to bring me pain
But what he never seems to remember
What he means for evil God works for good
So I will not retreat or surrender
Now, I don�t want to sound like some hero
�Cause it�s God alone that my hope is in
But I�m not gonna run from the very things
That would drive me closer to Him
So bring it on
Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let the trouble come, let it make me fall on the One who�s strong
Bring it on
Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow
Bring it on
Let me be made weak so I�ll know the strength of the One who�s strong
Bring it on
Bring it on
until the next update from the life i think im living
have yourself a pleasant nite
-adieu
ended up reading Vals blog before i started to type. i was tempted for a moment – to steal her song for my song of the day, but then i realized… pissing off a PMSing woman is about as inteligent as walking into a lion cage wearing “meat” scented cologne… not the greatest analogy, but what do you expect @ 2:30am?
this being the second time ive tried posting this.. im probably going to be brief. just a few thoughts on circumstances and such that ive been mulling over.
ive spent the last few days realizing how much my heart is wrapped around… and beats for… bethel. it may sound childish… and honestly – thats the best description i can come up with as to how i feel. in awe, amazed… child like. that hey – i spent some of today doing whatever it was i could to help out… in the house He chooses to live in.
i dont have ‘career goals’. i dont have ‘plans for retirement’. i just want to be with Him.
and i honestly dont know if thats an ok thing anymore. simply because, i dont want a job where i cant give everything i am too it. i dont want to sell insureance… or advertising. those are both great things… but they will never fulfill me. never.
i just want to do something i can pour all of who i am into. knowing that i did everything in my power to better this life i think im living…
i dunno – maybe im totally wrong.
until next time
sometimes, all it takes to be inspired is a moment in time spent realizing that you’re not the only one going through hell.
sometimes, that moment of inspiration isnt anything deep or spectacular. just a realization that you’re not totally alone. their are other people on this road your walking. even when, as a wise woman once said, there arent any roadmaps when you forge your own trail… we still have people… or even one person – who cares about us enough to be real with us.
sometimes, that one person… is God.
im not 100% sure where im headin with this.
i may not be headed anywhere.
Lord take me, from this place
into a world that has no time
no hurries
no worries
gladly i leave it them all behind
i am letting go
im drawing near
i wanna sing
i wanna fly
i wanna see from Your side of the sky
i wanna love
i wanna stay
wanna be close to You
long after the music fades
Lord, i come to give You
much more than just a melody
please take me
and break me
right now -God- i dont want to leave
unchanged
i never want to be the same
i wanna sing
i wanna fly
i wanna see from Your side of the sky
i wanna love
i wanna stay
wanna be close to you
long after the music fades
You are mighty,
awesome
righteous
gracious
knowing
in me – overflowing
father
teacher
master
leader
jealous
loving
you are
thats become my new creed. i wanna sing / i wanna fly / i wanna see from Your side of the sky / i wanna love / i wanna stay / wanna be close to you / long after the music fades He is life, He is Love, He is everything Im needing.
my mind is running 100 different directions right now. im wishing i knew a method of releasing built up frustrations and anger… and at the same time – im thinkin about the quote in my earlier blog. maybe i do have some thoughts on it.
the quote can be taken @ least 2 ways. in the end, we will remember the silence of our friends. silence can be a bad thing – when our friends should have stood up and said something. or it can be a good thing. when – in an ultimate display of wisdom- your friends hold their tounges and offer friendship and love in the simplest form known to man. just “being there”.
ok. im going to stop allowing myself to stress over all the crap in my head – wishing i could get it on paper… and im just gonna crash.
nite
leave it to a bad influence to awaken me to todays song of the day:
Angel – Sarah McLachlan
so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there’s vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don’t make no difference
escaping one last time
it’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
as i sit and watch the remains of what im sure was a beautiful day outside…
im reminded of the little things. i still have 5 toothbrushes in a toothbrush holder that will never see use by more than just me.
sometimes its the little things that we take for granted… and sometimes, its the big things.
i dont know, todays blog is very much rambling. my heart is lying scattered around the remains of my life and absolutely nothing is making sense anymore.
this weekend begins a big prophetic meeting @ bethel… i want to be there.
im reminded of a saying i used to use… “being run over by Gods mack-truck of love“. thats when He rips you from this existence and allows you – for possibly only a moment – to catch a glimpse of His immesureable glory. and for that moment in time – all else fades away. there are no more worries… no more fears. no more unemployment. for a moment – your free. for those of you who have seen The Fast and the Furious… that would be my quarter mile. and i havent raced… in so long.
racing… requires being 100% real with God. no masks, facades, or ulterior motives… being “run over” can only happen when you come just as you are. and i can truthfully say that i dont know when the last time was i went to church as just “me”. no pretending everything was ok… or even pretending that i was ok. im sick of pretending. i want to walk …. run… into His presence… into His arms just as i am.. be real. and let Him be dad. let Him be who He is supposed to be. all i can be is me. and i hope and pray that i have the strength to simply…. be me
till tomorrow…
Don’t we all love losing a half hours worth of blogging when the website automatically logs you out. So when you hit the “post” button. You’re screwed! Ah well. I guess that’s life.
I seem to be developing a serious case of “tripping on creed”. If you haven’t checked out their new video for “bullets”. Do so @ creed.com. its very.. cool… interesting… progressive and very CG. Think “final fantasy” (the movie) only… music video. Just watch it.
Also, in todays news – my car now accelerates and brakes much smoother. Of course, having your tranny looked @ and your brakes worked on will do that. And for $150 – it had better. I enjoyed dinner @ my aunts house. Nothing like ravioli. And I’m even developing a taste for broccoli! I must be maturing. Hehehe. Finished the nite off with a fun trip to wegmans. It seems to be THE spot for single 22 year old guys to hang out. Milk, cookies.. and 4 two-liter bottles of mt. Dew. On sale for only $5. I needed no more proof to know God loves me.
if “commitment” was the word of the day yesterday or was it Sunday. Whatever. Either way – todays word is “change”. Its one of the 2 constant aspects of this thing we call life. The other being – that it continues. Life continues. It goes on. Even when all we know and stand upon has been so altered and impacted, we feel it should come to a earth shattering halt, it doesn’t. Life doesn’t come with a pause button.
I’m learning that victory, the Finnish line – so to speak, isn’t necessarily obtained by those with the best training. Or the top of the line equipment. or even the ones who run the fastest. Victory comes to those who are simply humble enough to roll with the punches. it comes to those who know they don’t control the cards life hands them… they are just willing to put one foot in front of the other. They may not even be given a chance to see the cards before a punch is thrown… they’re just committed… (yesterdays word) to do their best. Their not going to stop walking.
A wise man once said – if all you ever see is the road, the trip will never be worth it. To be truthful, all I’ve been able to see lately is the next few inches of gravel on this road. I’d love a glimpse into the finished product… or even a roadmap. Who knows, maybe I was so enthralled by some stupid meaningless roadside attraction that I missed the guy who was handing out the maps. I’m so desperate – that I’d – (a male, mind you) would GLADLY ask for directions at the very next gas station or rest stop. There just hasn’t been any places where I can stop and relax.
delirious put it best in two songs
Blindfold
Take this blindfold off of me
I’m walking but I cannot see
Mysteries fly at my feet
The answers come with no relief
Broken shoes won’t get you far
Climb on my back I’ll carry you afar
Words just feel anatheistized
But hope is found within the lies
And I keep walking down that road
And I keep running down that road
Take this blindfold off of me
I’m crawling, grabbing, breathing for the way I can see
Hold me, take me, run with me, I know you’ll ignite
A battered flame that once was bright
And I keep walking down that road
And I keep running down that road
Glory, glory
Glory, in the highest
and a snippet from
Kiss Your Feet
Take this life, take it all
I’m breathing the dirt, but I have clean hands
So I’ll run with my boots on.
..For I was born to kiss Your feet
so where does this leave us tonight – @t the end of another day – with tomorrow fast approaching? I’m not 100% sure. But I’m learning that I don’t need to be. ill never have all the answers – so I should probably stop trying too. Only He does. And right now – and maybe from now on – that’s all I’ve got left.
I’ve committed to staying in Rochester. Its now His job to come through. My job, is to be the best me I can. And to simply.. keep walking. So tomorrow.. that’s what I’m going to do.
Until the next installment from the life I’m living.
Have a blessed nite
“i cant stand to fly, im not that naive
im just out to find better part of me
im more than a bird, im more than a plane
im more than some pretty face beside a train
and its not easy to be me
wish that i could cry
fall upon my knees
find a way to lie
about a home ill never see
it may sound absurd
but dont be naive
even heros have the right to bleed….
i may be disturbed
but wont you concede?
even heros have a right to dream
men weren’t meant to ride with clouds between their knees…
the song of the moment. five for fighting. superman. im only a man in a phony read sheet looking for special things inside of me.
seems to fit right now. i dont really know who i am.
theres been a line from a song running through my head alll day and i cant figure out any more of the song, or who wrote it. all i remember is “…. and i’d hurt just to know im alive” ah well. such is life huh?
in other news, i recievd an email from one of the closest friends i have. it wasnt only probably the best thing that happened today… it was an email that would have been the best thing that happened today had i won the lottery. there is something… rare… that is found when you’re given a friend who just lets you know that they will be there for you. they may not be perfect… but they offer something that is beyond any human. they offer you love. pure, unhindered love. unconditional, undesereved and unwarranted love. its nothing you could have done to deserve it…
dear Jesus – help me. help me to live a life worthy of those people that you place in my path. all ive learned these past few months point to the simple truth that i am wholly, fully and completely inadequate… a total failure – of living a life worth dying for. yet thats what you did…. you died. for me. help me to simply live – for you.
amen
its amazing isnt it? how we can walk through our day to day existence wholly unaware of the blessing he pours down on us. we live our lives so sheltered from everything else in the world that we miss so much.. the sun shining, the birds singing… heck… flowers. and yeah, i know this may sound really cheesy – but ask yourself, when was the last time youliterally stopped to smell the flowers? huh? when was it? i dont know if i can remember the last time i did that. we act like our life is the only thing that matters and…. LIFE itself is sooo much bigger than we are. humbling huh?
i dunno… 1:20am. just some random thoughts… and to paraphrase a very special person – “i hope – through these ramblings… you found my heart.”
sleep well everyone
a friend of mine just IMed me this… seems to kinda fit my life right now.
God is never at a loss to know what He’s going to do in our situations. He knows perfectly well what is best for us. Our problem is, we don’t know. And we say to Him, “Lord, if You just tell me, then I’ll be in great shape. Just reveal it to me . Explain Your plan to me, and then I’ll count on You.” But that’s not faith. Faith is counting on Him when we do not know what tomorrow holds.
~Charles Swindoll
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 