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even though i didnt do the research, i have a feeling i had a post from last year with a title very close to that. hmm, ill have to do some digging.
anyway…. it is official by the way. i wont be heading down to texas for Christmas this year. the money for the plane ticket is readily available. the time off was all lined up… but when your mom and sis work in retail… guess what bucko, there is no way they’re getting the week after Christmas off…. so ill be headin down in mid-late jan.
i was all set and ready to launch into how crappy that was gonna be… not having seen my mom for more than a year. and how much it sucks to have spent yesterday and today cooped up indoors with a massive chest cold. or to be what was probably one of the few caring voices… and probably the only voice from immediate family, that my dad heard today….
i was going to launch into how i havent really allowed myself to enter into the whole “holiday/christmas/thanksgiving” spirit. maybe its because ive not yet allowed myself to digest the fact that i wont be home for christmas this year. maybe its because my mom seems to be takin it just a little harder that i had hoped. maybe its just cuz life can sometimes suck.
i wanted to… i wanted to go ballistic and wear my heart on my sleeve and maybe even cry while i pounded out the pages of my heart onto the web for all to see….
i wanted to, but i couldnt…. for you see… once upon a coughing, hacking, stuffy nose, achy, sneeze trip to wegmans on a rainy thanksgiving day in 2003… i saw something that changed my outlook.
i was waiting with the groceries while someone went and got the car… and as with any major supermarket on thanksgiving day, i was doing my best to dodge harried shoppers with long lists, or overladen shopping carts. but something stopped me.
slowly moving through the parking lot with a glaringly few items in the shopping cart… graying hair… almost white… slight in stature… and with eyes that belayed much more sorrow than my eyes have seen… was an elderly woman. her stature, her pacing, every little thing about her screamed that she was spending thanksgiving day alone.
and i realized at that moment something thats been unfolding to me all day. i have a tremendous amout to be thankful for this year.
heidi – simply, you’re my life saver. my bestest friend ever. id be lost, and much sicker, without you. i am thankful… for you.
k8 – in a world of very few noble people – you’re my hero. i am thankful… for you.
val – you’re what i would apsire to become if i was a 20something black woman. i am thankful… for you.
courtney – you’re what pen pals are supposed to be made of, and what women of God should aspire to be like. i am thankful… for you.
and the list goes on. unlike that lady, i have a family. albeit messed up, ive still got em all. ive got an apartment. and clothes on my back. and ive got friends who would give up there entire thanksgiving day to stay with a sick pip.
come to think of it guys… bill gates, and all his billions… has nothing on what ive been given.
so to each of you, wether you read my blog often, or just random acrossed me…
i am thankful for you.
and finally…
i will be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.
i was driving home the other nite, and a question ive been asking myself lately popped into my head.
ive been asking myself this for what seems like weeks now, but ive only recently been able to verbalize it.
the question?
do forgiveness and reconciliation always walk hand in hand? are the truly inseparable? can you have one without the other? and if so, to what degree can you forgive, and not be reconciled… and vice versa?
i know the “christian” answer is always yes. i know that… you dont need to preach it to me.
at least, reconciliation is a given when speaking of the forgiveness that flows from Christ…
but what about between 2 people?
i guess this question has been on my heart because in all honesty, im dealing with it.
to what degree does forgiveness need reconciliation? is it possible to forgive someone, and yet never truly trust them again?
maybe the question im really asking is,
why hasnt my heart healed yet? why cant i trust that person yet? what is it that causes this reaction in me?
i hate that i feel like i want to run away from you every time i see you. i hate that i feel that i cant trust you. i hate that it still hurts so much when i think of you.
most of all, i hate that my heart has yet to move from this point.
is this my fault? am i somehow sabotaging my chances and opportunities for healing? am i intentionally keeping myself in this spot?
all i have is questions… but only questions find the answers that we seek.
there was a time in a young kings life… well before he was even aware of his destiny to become king, when a wise man, a ‘seer’, told him to wait just a little while longer…
and then this seer, would tell him all that was in his heart.
it seems the more i learn about life, love and relationships, the less i truly know.
heck, i dont even understand the depths of my own heart.
so my prayer for tonite… is that sometime soon… someone wise would show me all that is in my heart.
my cry tonite
be my hiding place…..
When you live by grace with God, its not a matter of making yourself obey His commands to the letter; its simply living with the promise that you cant and its all right.
read the article here.
i dont think tonite will have me pouring my heart out…
tonite, i choose simplicity.
the simplicity of sin.
the simplicity of grace.
and the knowing, that the latter far outweighs the former. now, then, and for always.
thank You, for Grace.
and its looking more and more like ill end up coming very close to the year mark.
the last time i saw my mom was january 13, 2003. and chances are, i may not be going down there until the second or third week in january 2004.
1 whole year.
have you ever looked back on something, and – realizing that you actually completed it – are caught off guard because you honestly wish you didnt know what you now are aware of? you wish that you didnt know that you could handle what was thrown your way?
ive been in ny now, on my own more or less (thank you God for being with me) for more than 2 years. and im suddenly being hit with something i wasnt expecting…
its not regret. dont get me wrong, id give anything to see my mom for christmas. absolutely anything…. but its not regret. im beginning to feel the burden of being the ‘man’ in the family.
i guess i shouldnt be surprised by this feeling. but honestly, i am. i mean, its been more than 2 years since dad left. ya think i would have run into this much earlier.
why now?
because….
its official. sarah (sister #1) has a boyfriend. not just a “boyfriend”. this would constitute her very first ‘adult’ relationship. and i cant give the obligatory “touch her and ill rip your eyes out of the back of your head, cook them, and feed them to you” speach to the lucky guy.
and bethany is having car issues. its weird. i realize i know next to nothing about fixing cars… i mean, i can change the oil, check fluid levels, change a tire… etc… but im not there.
and thats the thing.
these are the moments where DAD is supposed to be nothing more than a phone call away. that way, no matter what happens… flat tire, bad date… whatever… they would be ok. because dad would be there.
but he’s not.
and neither am i.
should i be? does anyone happen to know what role i should be playing right now?
seems to be a question im asking myself a lot right now. and for more reasons, more situations, than just the family.
anyway, to bring to a close my opening thoughts…
maybe life is more than the sum of our expierences. im hoping that thats the case.
so i seem to have this thing with becoming heavily involved in, shall we say “left of center” tv shows. first it was buffy, now – angel.
so in tonites episode, one of they key characters has a surprise visit from his father. the father being portrayed as overbearing, unapproving and downright hurtful at times pales in comparison to the final few moments of the show.
without going into plot details im sure will bore you… the episode climaxes on the roof of a highrise with the father threatening the life, the very essence, of our main characters boss/friend. the boss/friend character had a very colorful past and although he was now good… the father couldnt see past the well, past.
so you’re left with the obligatory standoff – father and son pointing guns at each other…
and just as obligatory, our main characters love interest walks into the scene at the most inoportune of times. sensing only danger for the boss/friend character, she doesnt worry about her life.
as things come to a peak, the son is able to remove the ‘weapon’ from his fathers hands. not the gun mind you… the weapon.
this, frees the boss/friend character from any threat.
during the final exchange of father-son words, the father turns the gun on sons love interest. again, very obligatory.
so i find myself sitting here knowing that there is gonna be some sort of fight scene. some form of violent confrontation between father and son. up to now, it had only been words. but that was going to change in moments.
or so i thought.
the moment… the very second the father turns his gun towards the love interest… muttering something about threating someone his son truly cares about…
bam, bam bam bam bam bam…. bam bam bam
without hesitating, our main character EMPTIES the entire 9 round clip into his father. shooting him until he hits the ground.
i sat there stunned. not because of the incredible plot twist… but because of what it said to me.
this son, destroyed his father to save the one he loved.
this son… gave up a huge part of his life for a woman who he hasnt even been totally honest with about his feelings…
without hesitation…. his life changed forever.
without hesitation.
im struck again… sitting here in my darkened apartment…. lost within my thoughts… within my heart.
i should be the one who chooses to do what i know is right… without hesitation. i should be the one preparing my heart for Him. for His presence. for His life. for His purity.
i should be ready to change my life… for the One i love… without hesitation
so tonite, im intentionally not gonna post much. i know, its been quite a while since ive posted anything of note. its been a very hectic few weeks.
just letting you all know im alive.
and i specificlaly wanted to thank dawn for commenting:-) welcome to my life dawn. feel free to stop by anytime.
you guys should check out her site. you can do so here. good stuff. very good stuff.
i realized something earlier today while waiting at a traffic light on the way home. here i am in a city of hundereds of thousands of people rushing home between 5 and 6pm…. we’re all in a hurry to head home, make dinner and start the rushing back to work the very next day…. very few of us are lucky enough to not feel any stress… most of us arent even paying attention to whats going on around us…
our thought patterns exist on the plane of “if it doesnt impact me directly, i do not want to think about it”…
and thats the way, i feel, the world spends the hour between 5 and 6pm. heck, its normally the way I spend the hours between 5 and 6.
so here i was… sitting at a traffic light, and i was – amazingly enough – not so stressed to have missed this example.
as i sat there, this guy walked down the street… he obviously lived nearby for he was walking his dog… and, like most dogs, the furry, slobbery creature was running this way and that, chasing leaves, scents, and everything else that caught his eye, or nose.
this dog… lives his life for the “whats next”. he lives constantly believing that there are new, amazing, unexplored scents to discover… new things to see, and new animals to chase…
right under that leaf! or… if i could only chase that squirrel ::yank:: oh, right… the leash… oh wow, new smells! oh boy a cat!! ::bark bark bark::
this dogs life was one full of joy. of hope. of excitement. this….. dog…. was teaching me what it means to truly be alive.
thats my prayer tonite…
to be so enraptured by life… to be so madly in love with truly living that all else fades. to be so in love with the One holdling my “leash”, that i no longer worry about my worth…
to live free. free to chase squirrels… to have fun. to not worry. to not fear….
to truly live.
so what if people say i live like a dog… at least then ill know, im truly living.
so my plan for this post was to let fly with a gut-wrenching, heart on my sleeve, no holds bar message to whomever my future wife may be.
but i realized that, although my thoughts and feelings for you, whomever you are, may be very intense…
it wouldnt be me tonite.
so, simply, quitely, my prayer tonite
is that i wait for you.
and that i will love you with all i am.
may you rest knowing that the One who placed each star in heaven – knows you by name.
so ive been thinking over the course of the past few weeks….ive been thinking a lot actually.
im realizing that my story….
if you were to right a book about my life… and if you wrote the final page today…
my story would not be complete.
at least… i hope not.
for you see, my story is not one of finding inner healing. of baring the deepest parts of my soul to an Almight and Loving God… and finding healing. my story would have many chapters written, unchangably, in the first person. because a lot of times – there was no second, or third.
my story would find me striving for… fighting… for survival.
it would not neccessarily be one of victory in all battles.
it would be a story of survival.
of a prodigal son.
a sinner.
i guess ive found myself in a beatiful letdown.
im constrained by my heart to follow hard after my God. every time i attempt to press into His presence, im overwhelmed by my mistakes. by my sins. i long to simply run away from this feeling. from this God who loves me. and into the sweet embrace of nothingness. to escape from pain. from hurt. from moments that would stretch me… and let me grow. i dont want to lose anything else. so i run.
i want to run from the One Being, i want to blame… the One Being, i can blame… the One Being, who is blameless.
an almighty God… and a family, lives in ruin.
an almighty God… and through all the stormclouds… a lining. sometimes… only the shadow of a lining of hope.
my story doesnt revolve around a life dominated recently of powerful moves of an almighty God. my story doesnt show Gods moving in the “parting of the red sea” or “fire from heaven”.
my story centers on a quiet, hardly discernable “i am still here” that has reverberated through every circumstance, every battle won… and lost.
His love is perfect. and how i ever got to the point that i would run FROM it… rather than to it… i dont know if i can undestand it.
i absolutely despise so much of who ive become.
i hate that His Presence isn’t the first thing i run to when i hurt.
i hate that my life doesnt reflect His love.
i hate that my heart, my mind, my actions – dont line up with His desires for me to live a pure life.
i hate that i feel so…. unholy.
i run from the shame. i run beacause of the shame. i run because i know that people arent as forgiving as a Holy God. i run, because i cant stand who ive become when i stop running.
im scared.
im scared that if i stop… that things will catch up with me. and ill never start again.
ultimately, im afraid that if i do stop… and let down my guard…
people will see… they’ll see me. for all of who i am. sinful, dirty, unholy… wrong.
they’ll see the facets of who i am that i try to hide…
they’ll see the facets ive become so good at covering, that i sometimes can pretend they’re not even there.
but they are. and they will, in one form or another, always be there. its what makes me human. they are what make me in need of a saviour. of a champion.
of the One who through it all…
is still there.
dreams come true in some of the weirdest ways.
and it sometimes takes only a moment for your world to become just a little bit bigger, and yourself… just a little bit smaller.
sometimes it takes those moments to really show you a part of who you are. sometimes its only when the surface is peeled away… do we get an honest look at the truth…
somtimes, it only takes one of those moments to make you realize who you truly are.
and what you truly need.
we try so hard to put on a good front. we try and try to be strong… to keep a “stiff upper lip”. we try to keep going. to keep walking through life… we try… and we fail.
my ealier posts from this week ring with a very piercing note of truth…
that truth being, that im not ok. but in all honesty, I was the one trying to put on a good front. I was the one trying to keep a stiff upper lip. I am the one trying.. and failing… to be strong.
the choices we make, and the mistakes that we chose will walk with us forever. the decisions of those we love, and those who love us, will forever impact and change who we are…
that much – we will never be able to change. no amount of being strong – will ever stop consequences…
its what we do after that counts.
and in all honesty…
thats when we are truly alive.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 