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i wrote the following back on 11/20. i include it here because it is a snippet of who i am. and of who i am becoming. because it is about parts of my heart ive neglected for far too long… that are slowly awakening…
–
i read your blog today; and i realized then why you’d seemed so busy. you’ve found someone. and to be honest, i was jealous. not just that you’ve got a someone in your life… but because it was you. am i saying that i wish it were me? in a way… yeah. i am.
why? and more importantly, why didnt i say anything earlier? because you’re special. you’re an amazing woman and you deserve a man who knows exactly who he is, and what he wants… and most importantly, knows that youre exactly the one for him.
and im none of those things. one day, for one girl, i will be. buti knew, that for this period of time, my own feelings aside, i needed to step back and simply pray you’d find that man.
and now i pray you have.
i do pray you’ve found him. and, please, forgive my bit of jealousy. you’re an amazing girl. and there isnt anything more i want than for you to be happy. for you to find that guy, that one. and i hope you have:) i do.
–
there are times we need outside influences, outside circumstances to shake us awake. to bring us to the place where we realize something about ourselves, about our hearts. sometimes those moments bring utter wonder, as we realize how much we’ve changed, and grown. sometimes they bring a hush, and cause us to to listen to parts of who we are. parts that went silent a long time before. and sometimes they bring shock and revulsion, as we learn how quickly we can fall.
even with the lack of people in my life in texas, im learning my need for friendship. for leadership. for a dream. for a vision to follow. and for leaders who will push us towards that dream.
i pulled our college/career pastor (randy) aside sunday. id been to the 20something group at our church a few times already. and honestly, i wasnt captured.
i asked randy if we could get together sometime soon. i want to know what his passion is. what puts breath in his lungs. what gets him up in the morning. i want to know his passion for this group, for this generation. because im looking for something, a vision; and someone, a leader to get behind and push.
why? because part of me knows that the next few weeks/months may lead to many changes. someone once said, the hardest thing to do is sometimes the right thing to do. so when the changes come, i hope i welcome them with open arms.
this lifes not like you wanted it
his eyes, i can see again
i need you here
in your mind, nobodys listening
its your right, not to feel again
just breath again
feels like, your world is caving in
and i cry, failing to understand
i wish i can
its all right, if your missing him
in his eyes, you can live again
free within
time after time
i walk the fine line
something keeps brining me back
time after time
im going in blind
i dont know which way i need to go
time after time
i cant see the signs
do all these roads bring me back to you?
-POD
Going in Blind
you give me hope. you do. and i dont even think you realize it.
the above sentence could be written to any number of people in my life. and to that, a goal is forming in my heart; to publicly thank these precious people for the times, the ways in which they imparted hope into my soul. because most of the time, they didn’t even know they were doing it.
tonight however, this post is for you beth b.
you bring me hope. you do.
you’ve walked through the fire of relationships that didnt end in happily ever after and yet you chose to continue to trust, and to look for love.
you work your tail off at a job most people wouldn’t be able to handle, and now, you’re taking on even more. and yet still, you find time for those most important to you. you find time for love.
i know i cannot understand all of the ways in which someones heart has been broken, but i can say i know enough to understand that the past few years havent been easy on you. yet you still, you still let love in.
you give me hope. and you give me strength.
you chose to follow the One. when He asked for your heart, you gave it. and you’re all the better for it.
i know ive been on the sidelines for so much of the life your living… but if im constrained to the sidelines, it only means im supposed to cheer you on.
because the life your leading beth, is worth cheering for.
you’re not perfect, no one is. but you have an amazing person in your life. a person who loves you more than anything. and you love him just the same. you stand at the beginning of the most amazing voyage of your life and im so happy for you… because you’re doing it right.
you’re sticking to what you believe. and youre finding your happily ever after.
thank you.
because i question if happily ever after is really worth fighting for.
you answer that question, simply by the way you live. you give me hope.
things need to change.
they need to change in my life. and they need to change in my generation. i know im not the only one. the only one crying out for hope. the only one putting on a brave face. the only one working the 8-5 and just hoping that, well, hope will come if we just work harder. that if we just get that bonus, or this promotion, we’ll finally be happy.
i cannot be the only one unhappy. unfulfilled. wondering. wounded and searching.
i cant be.
because i believe that in each of us, exists a need for hope. a need to believe in something more. a need, a desire, an emptiness that makes itself known when hope is missing.
we were made to hope.
ive been pondering for months now starting another blog. everyone is familiar with postsecret. you can check them out here. they serve a tremendous need. the need for people to get secrets off their chest. i love that website. i love that idea.
i need a place like that. a place i can go where i can be real. real with my struggles, real with my weaknesses and my scars. and i find healing. i find that im not alone.
i find hope.
a website that would allow anyone to post. anyone who had found hope. or anyone who was still searching.
requests for prayer, cries for help… or whispers of there is hope. keep going. there is hope.
whispers of hope.
i dont really know where im headed tonight other than to offer you a taste of whats been on my heart. of what im longing for.
hope. its been my theme recently. finding it. defining it. defining what it means to me; and what it is and should be, to me.
is it weird that i find more hope from modern media than from modern christianity? is it weird that what speaks to me, that what gives me hope isn’t the 10:30am sermons every sunday? its not the orchestral music or the 3 points to (insert your favorite christian topic here) message.
its realness. realness gives me hope. its seeing people who are chosen. who stumble, who fall, who are unsure and weak and scared and, a lot of the time, lost… but they know. they have a purpose. they’ve been given a mission and like it or not, its theres to complete.
its a realness that allows me, even if for a time, to feel normal. to feel like i fit in somewhere. because for so long, ive not felt that.
im learning more the simple fact that hope is not a pretty thing. its not flowers and sunshine, birds and rainbows. hope isn’t pretty. its stubborn, torn, bloodied and at times gruesome…. its the drive that keeps us going when everything else is lost. its the internal reminder of a bigger picture. of the calling on our lives.
they give me hope. that maybe, in the midst of the chaos of life, and more so, the chaos of the heart, there is still a mission to be carried out. there are still battles to fight, and win. there is still a calling. there can still be passion.the world can still be changed. and there can still be love.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: But it ain’t all buttons and charts, little albatross. You know what the first rule of flying is? Well I suppose you do, since you already know what I’m about to say.
River Tam: I do. But I like to hear you say it.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Love. You can know all the math in the ‘verse, but take a boat in the air you don’t love, and she’ll shake you off just as sure as the turning of worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down, tells ya she’s hurting before she keels. Makes her home.
River Tam: Storm’s getting worse.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: We’ll pass through it soon enough.
Serenity
i think im looking for a fight. i am. i think ive finally begun to realize that even with all the drama, with all the heartache and pain and fear that came with the past…. there are things about it that i miss.
i had a mission. i had a battle to fight. even -if for a time- i was simply fighting for my life. i was still fighting. i had a goal. a vision. it was blurred, and charred, and it was never very clear, but i had vision. and passion.
Christmas is coming. like it or not, its less than 2 months away. walmart has been selling decorations and trees for weeks. i saw my first christmas themed commercial a few days ago. ive already heard carols… its coming. and i pray that with it, new vision comes too.
for once upon a holy night, 2000 years ago. shepherds saw their calling. wise men took heed of the signs, men heard “follow me”, and they left it all and followed.
these were real people. people with issues, and challenges, and personal demons they fought… but they were the chosen. they were given this message to carry to the world. and the world was never the same.
so as we, as i, approach this holiday season, i pray that you will find me standing in awe of the beauty that is around me. i pray for renewed vision. for renewed passion. for renewed joy. i pray for, hope.
i pray to leave all behind, follow Him… and be chosen.
its weird how things just work out sometimes. how we can watch a tv show that really speaks to us, that opens our eyes and shows us something inside of us, something that we can relate to – and then moments later we find ourselves sharing some of that with someone in need.
i spent about 6 months of 2003 seeing a counselor. i did. not many people know about it… but i did.
and im sitting here realizing that i wish i had capitalized on that.
i wish i had told her how afraid of failure i was, then. so that id be less afraid of failure, now.
i wish i had told her how much losing my family hurt, then. so that id be further along in dealing with it, and healing, now. so i wouldnt be so afraid of losing them again.
i wish i had told her how suicidal i was. i guess i thought that if i just lived through it, id be healed from the process of simply making it to the other side… from surviving. it still scares me. that i, at one time, considered that a viable option. an option better than this life.
it scares me because i know ive not lived this life as fully as i want to. ive not fought as hard, loved as deeply, or trusted as much as i did at one time. and as hard, as deep and as much as i want to now.
im learning that life is more about the choices we make, than the results of those choices.
life is found inside of the choices. we may make what could be the best choice in the world, and have it work out horribly, but its not the results that truly matter… its the choices we made before, and the choices we make after… that set our course.
that create in us the beauty that we long to see.
the beauty i long to see.
i want to see beauty everywhere i look. i do. and maybe that sounds stupid, or the dreams of a naive man. but its the truth.
i want to see beauty in the nice things, but more-so, i want to see the beauty in the ugly things.
in anger. hurt. hate. dissatisfaction. and disappointment.
because im learning that those times we feel anger, or hurt, or hateful, or lost, or scared or unsure… those are the times when we are most real. we are most vulnerable. we are more our true selves in those moments than in almost any other moment in life.
and i want to, i need to learn to see the beauty in those moments.
i need to learn how to live those things, how to be angry, hurt, confused, damaged… and feel ‘ok’ about feeling that way.
growing up, i was never allowed to communicate those things. i was always made to feel that if i was angry, it was my fault and it was a bad thing. and you’d think that in 26 years of existence, i’d have learned by now that i can be angry, and that its ok.
ive not. ive not learned that yet.
which is why i want to see the beauty in those moments. in myself. and in others. i want to be the type of person you can come to when your hurt, or angry, or spiteful, or broken… and ill see the beauty in you. and i will love you.
i may not have that ability yet. to see inside the real me, much less the real anyone else.
but i want it. desperately.
because in the brokenness, in the anger, in the hatred, i see the real you.
in the brokenness, in the anger, in the hatred, you see the real me.
and the real you is breathtaking.
and i hope and pray that someone finds the real me, just as beautiful.
“…and i look at you. and i want to tear your eyes out just for looking at me. i just want to hurt someone and it might as well be you.”
-starbuck
truer words may never have been spoken. if they were breathed from a heart that truly felt that. a broken heart. a heart that is bleeding, and wounded, and may be barely beating. but it still somehow holding on.
somewhere over the past few weeks, ive stopped feeling. ive gone from living life, to slipping into neutral and just coasting. ive traded my emotions for a painted on smile; and hopes made of dust.
and even with all thats gone on in my life the past few weeks, i cant even post. this is literally my fifth or sixth attempt.
i want to know that this isnt it. i want to know that there is more. i want a big giant reminder that life is going to continue. that there is more to what is in store for me than just this. i want to know that there is a reason to hope… because somehow, ive stopped hoping.
i want to know there is more. i want to be reminded of a destiny.
i want to know that im far from over. that there is a hope to be had. that dreams are still worth dreaming. and life is meant to be lived fully.
and even if it means confronting these areas in my heart where there is nothing but hurt. where im still lost, and crying and…. these areas that still ache, then so be it.
because i cannot live life, as it was meant to be lived… not feeling.
there are times in our life when we must let out a cry. a cry that resonates from within us, but at times, is so drowned out by the noise and numbness of the everyday that we lose it. that we forget it is there.
we forget that this life is meant to be lived fully. that people are worth loving. and there are eyes that see through our tears, our fears and the years we wasted and still love us.
we forget that there is a thing called destiny. that dreams were meant to be chased. and that love is worth the cost.
we forget that life…. is just that. it is life.
we lose sight of this cry. of this passion that is birthed in each of us to reach out, take a hold of whatever strands of cord life throws at us and stubbornly refuses to let go. we lose sight of the determination to make new friends, experience new things…
and maybe, if were lucky… find this thing called love.
dont give up on me yet
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
this day
all i want is You
there is no one else
who can take Your place
ive seen it all
and its never enough
it keeps leaving me needing You
take me away
take me away
ive got nothing left to say
just take me away
there are times in our lives when we are dealt more emotions than we know how to handle. than we know what to do with or are capable of understanding and working through. its during those times when i find myself writing the most. and posting the least.
there is beauty to be found in the hardest times in life. a beauty that is unnoticed, unacknowledged any other time.
this beauty is found in times of loss. of realizing that this world and all it contains, is infinitely larger than we are. its beauty found only in the realization that we’re not in control. and that no matter how hard we try, or how good we are, we never will be in control.
there is a beauty here, an amazing grace to be found, a glistening newness that comes when we; with tears streaming down our face drop to our knees and whisper our surrender. our acknowledgement that we cannot do this. that we are not in control and that we will never be good enough.
the thing is, its only when we’ve seen this in our own lives, when we’ve dropped to our knees and surrendered… that we are given the gift of seeing it in the lives of others.
im realizing that its in those moments of surrender that we find the strands of real life. you may find these moments during a quiet night on the beach, or in the glaring reality of losing someone you loved. you may see this depth in someone you know, and see it in the for the first time… or you may recognize it in the eyes of a complete stranger.
whatever you do, wherever you see it, in your own life or in the eyes of someone else; embrace it. love it.
i must believe that life is worth living, that those moments of painful surrender bring true life. and i want that. so badly.
i dont exactly know where this is headed. other than to say ive come across to many coincidences for this to be well, coincidence.
its september 10th. its been 5 years since the world shook. since my world began to crumble. and the road to texas started to form. 5 years of so many changes. of so much pain, and so much learning.
and to tell you the truth, in some ways, i miss the pain. the searing heat of knowing you were changing. of knowing that you had to survive. of knowing that this was it, this was your defining moment. this was the time in your life when you became the next phase of whoever you were going to be.
god knows i want that again. i want to move into whatever it is i am supposed to be. i want to feel the heat of the fire, see the dead in me burn in the flames, and see new growth rise from the ashes.
i want to lose sleep, be uncomfortable, look weird, act strange and be thought of as a freak from “normal” christians.
i want more of God. and i want to want Him even more. i dont want the highlight of my week to be something ‘fun’. i want encounters. i want revival, regeneration. i want passion and fire and hope and dreams and words of prophecy. i want life changing fire in my soul. and i want to want this more.
::deep sigh::
i spent a portion of today cleaning up the blog. beginning with the archives (oldest first) and working my way towards the present i hope to categorize, and in some cases repair the titles of my old postings. im not making any content changes. just cleaning up. sometime long ago i unfortunately lost the titles to a number of my postings from 2003-2004. its a bummer, but its actually blessing me as i know have to reread posts ive not read in years to try and title them again.
which brings me to my next point. lipstick. well, lipgloss to be more precise.
i found your lipstick earlier this week. covergirl 014b. “hint of pink”. it was in the pocket of a sportcoat ive not worn in a long time. one of the last times i wore it, i was at the country club, for a company dinner. with you.
maybe im seeing something here were there isnt anything other than random coincidences. but i felt the need to say something to you. heck, i dont even know if you read my blog anymore. but either way…
i miss you. i know, im shocked too. i honestly am. and im not saying “lets start talking” or anything like that, im simply admitting that you were a tremendous blessing in my life. a wonderful friend and yes, i do miss you.
i hope you’ve found happiness. i hope you’re learning daily how amazing the love of the Father is towards you. and i hope above all else, that you’re eyes remain steadfast on the One who will never leave you or forsake you. you deserve the best that this life has. and i pray you receive it.
september 11 is 4 minutes away. and for a lot of the nation, it will be a day of remembrance. a day full of moments of silence, of remembering and mourning for those lost. i can still remember what i ordered for lunch that day. and beyond that, i remember those whom i had lunch with.
may this week remind us that there is a time to remember and a time to mourn. and that death can come for anyone at anytime. but most importantly, may we be reminded of the things, the people both past and present, that made us alive. may we be reminded that there is still hope, that the One is still one the throne and may we always remember that life will rise from the ashes.
ever have one of those moments where you know you have something brewing inside of you and you just cant get it out? just not yet?
this is one of those moments.
—-
there are times in our lives when we are sure of only weaknesses. when all we know is the utter failure we brought upon ourselves. and during those times we cry out and pray, we hope and dream of a time when the “rest of our lives” finally arrives and we can move beyond the bleak gray-ness of knowing nothing but our own failures, faults and shortcomings.
but then we get to the otherside. and if we dont hold close to that feeling of inadequacy, we lose our way. we lose the dreams that were burned so deeply into our core during the times when all we could do was dream. we get caught up, distracted in the day to day. the job. the menial work that fills the time between moments of real life. our dreams are brushed aside by meetings, deadlines, excel spreadsheets and venti white mochas.
we lose the clarity we had in the storm. we lose ourselves in our own security.
i hear this voice inside of me. crying out. i know that this voice is screaming for all its worth, but i only hear a whisper. and that scares me. its crying out for me to continue to push into real life. to lay aside the spreadsheets and deadlines, and even if just for a moment… dream. daring me to open my eyes and imagine that there is more to this life than matching sox and nice dress pants. more than getting to work on time and annual reviews.
this voice is calling me to remember the dark times. to remember the times when all we had were dreams. when life was hard, it hurt to breathe and all you wanted was to get through this hell, all you wanted was to see the light at the end of a tunnel.
its calling me to remember something i dont want to remember. that it was during those times, those times when your heart simply hurts… that you’re most alive. because its at those times that you havent the strength to put up any fight. you cannot hold up a facade, you cannot pretend everything is ok, you cannot get lost in formulas, spreadsheets or the joys of the 8 to 5. its during those times, when all you can do is survive, that you realize God is all He says He is.
and you walk away from that realization terrified. you promise to never forget that He is infinitely huge and you are infinitesimally small. He is everything and you are nothing. you promise to always remember that.
this voice is asking me to remember what ive forgotten. that there is more to this life. that there is more to my life. that there is a calling on me that cannot be revoked. and if it takes all i am, i need to see that fulfilled. if it means losing all i have, to find who i am supposed to be. then so be it
and i will live…
and know some destiny
still waits for me
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 