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and its looking more and more like ill end up coming very close to the year mark.
the last time i saw my mom was january 13, 2003. and chances are, i may not be going down there until the second or third week in january 2004.
1 whole year.
have you ever looked back on something, and – realizing that you actually completed it – are caught off guard because you honestly wish you didnt know what you now are aware of? you wish that you didnt know that you could handle what was thrown your way?
ive been in ny now, on my own more or less (thank you God for being with me) for more than 2 years. and im suddenly being hit with something i wasnt expecting…
its not regret. dont get me wrong, id give anything to see my mom for christmas. absolutely anything…. but its not regret. im beginning to feel the burden of being the ‘man’ in the family.
i guess i shouldnt be surprised by this feeling. but honestly, i am. i mean, its been more than 2 years since dad left. ya think i would have run into this much earlier.
why now?
because….
its official. sarah (sister #1) has a boyfriend. not just a “boyfriend”. this would constitute her very first ‘adult’ relationship. and i cant give the obligatory “touch her and ill rip your eyes out of the back of your head, cook them, and feed them to you” speach to the lucky guy.
and bethany is having car issues. its weird. i realize i know next to nothing about fixing cars… i mean, i can change the oil, check fluid levels, change a tire… etc… but im not there.
and thats the thing.
these are the moments where DAD is supposed to be nothing more than a phone call away. that way, no matter what happens… flat tire, bad date… whatever… they would be ok. because dad would be there.
but he’s not.
and neither am i.
should i be? does anyone happen to know what role i should be playing right now?
seems to be a question im asking myself a lot right now. and for more reasons, more situations, than just the family.
anyway, to bring to a close my opening thoughts…
maybe life is more than the sum of our expierences. im hoping that thats the case.
Lord prepare me
to be a sanctuary
pure and holy
tried and true
and with thanksgiving
i’ll be a living
sanctuary
for You
so i seem to have this thing with becoming heavily involved in, shall we say “left of center” tv shows. first it was buffy, now – angel.
so in tonites episode, one of they key characters has a surprise visit from his father. the father being portrayed as overbearing, unapproving and downright hurtful at times pales in comparison to the final few moments of the show.
without going into plot details im sure will bore you… the episode climaxes on the roof of a highrise with the father threatening the life, the very essence, of our main characters boss/friend. the boss/friend character had a very colorful past and although he was now good… the father couldnt see past the well, past.
so you’re left with the obligatory standoff – father and son pointing guns at each other…
and just as obligatory, our main characters love interest walks into the scene at the most inoportune of times. sensing only danger for the boss/friend character, she doesnt worry about her life.
as things come to a peak, the son is able to remove the ‘weapon’ from his fathers hands. not the gun mind you… the weapon.
this, frees the boss/friend character from any threat.
during the final exchange of father-son words, the father turns the gun on sons love interest. again, very obligatory.
so i find myself sitting here knowing that there is gonna be some sort of fight scene. some form of violent confrontation between father and son. up to now, it had only been words. but that was going to change in moments.
or so i thought.
the moment… the very second the father turns his gun towards the love interest… muttering something about threating someone his son truly cares about…
bam, bam bam bam bam bam…. bam bam bam
without hesitating, our main character EMPTIES the entire 9 round clip into his father. shooting him until he hits the ground.
i sat there stunned. not because of the incredible plot twist… but because of what it said to me.
this son, destroyed his father to save the one he loved.
this son… gave up a huge part of his life for a woman who he hasnt even been totally honest with about his feelings…
without hesitation…. his life changed forever.
without hesitation.
im struck again… sitting here in my darkened apartment…. lost within my thoughts… within my heart.
i should be the one who chooses to do what i know is right… without hesitation. i should be the one preparing my heart for Him. for His presence. for His life. for His purity.
i should be ready to change my life… for the One i love… without hesitation
so tonite, im intentionally not gonna post much. i know, its been quite a while since ive posted anything of note. its been a very hectic few weeks.
just letting you all know im alive.
and i specificlaly wanted to thank dawn for commenting:-) welcome to my life dawn. feel free to stop by anytime.
you guys should check out her site. you can do so here. good stuff. very good stuff.
i realized something earlier today while waiting at a traffic light on the way home. here i am in a city of hundereds of thousands of people rushing home between 5 and 6pm…. we’re all in a hurry to head home, make dinner and start the rushing back to work the very next day…. very few of us are lucky enough to not feel any stress… most of us arent even paying attention to whats going on around us…
our thought patterns exist on the plane of “if it doesnt impact me directly, i do not want to think about it”…
and thats the way, i feel, the world spends the hour between 5 and 6pm. heck, its normally the way I spend the hours between 5 and 6.
so here i was… sitting at a traffic light, and i was – amazingly enough – not so stressed to have missed this example.
as i sat there, this guy walked down the street… he obviously lived nearby for he was walking his dog… and, like most dogs, the furry, slobbery creature was running this way and that, chasing leaves, scents, and everything else that caught his eye, or nose.
this dog… lives his life for the “whats next”. he lives constantly believing that there are new, amazing, unexplored scents to discover… new things to see, and new animals to chase…
right under that leaf! or… if i could only chase that squirrel ::yank:: oh, right… the leash… oh wow, new smells! oh boy a cat!! ::bark bark bark::
this dogs life was one full of joy. of hope. of excitement. this….. dog…. was teaching me what it means to truly be alive.
thats my prayer tonite…
to be so enraptured by life… to be so madly in love with truly living that all else fades. to be so in love with the One holdling my “leash”, that i no longer worry about my worth…
to live free. free to chase squirrels… to have fun. to not worry. to not fear….
to truly live.
so what if people say i live like a dog… at least then ill know, im truly living.
the road ahead is less clear than ever. at least, it seems that way.
Lord, You know my path. You know my heart. lead me and guide me in the way You have for me. help me to humble myself and move in the directions You want. take my heart and let it be consecrated only to You.
Jesus, take my life and lead me on.
this is in response to k8s comment on my post below… as well as to clarify something for you readers.
when i said
….so maybe im just beginning to wonder…. to look… for someone else who has walked this road and has come out the better because of it. someone who has chosen to live… to truly live through all this hell on earth – and has become a better person because of that choice…..
i meant i was looking for someone in the “adult” age group. someone who could be a role model. someone i would consider… well, old. someone who wouldnt necessarily be hanging out with people our age.
someone from the previous generation.
i hope that makes sense.
i left yesterday afternoon and headed to cleveland for my first ever business trip. wasnt bad at all. good food, nice hotel.ended up spending 2.5 hours of the ride down with my coworker, explaining – for the first time ever to anyone i work with – why it is that my family is 1700 miles away while im here in rochester. im still not sure what i think of that expierence of sharing. and of course, my coworker is one of those people that is brutally honest… shes nice, but she never beats around the bush. so her questions were very pointed. not harsh. but pointed.
liberating to talk about it? yes. i honestly wish that at times, more people would let me tell my story. but on the other hand. everything always comes flooding back. well, in all honesty… its not coming “back” at all. its just forcing me to look at the emotions ive yet to deal with.
so you do one of two things in those situations. you either clam up, and make the entire rest of the trip extremely uncomfrotable. or you’re simply honest. either way… you learn something.
you either learn how long two people can go without talking…. or you learn something more about yourself.
it was funny though, here i am… a 23 year old talking to someone in her late 40s or early 50s… you know… an “adult”. and shes telling ME that ive had enough happen already. that i shouldnt have to handle anything else. she was impressed, if thats the word to use, with what ive been through.
i dont know if i feel any ounce of good about that at all.
im 23 years old. i shouldnt have had to have dealt with all of that.
kates 27 years old. she shouldnt have had to deal with all shes been through.
vals 20 years old… (almost 21!) she shouldnt have had to have lived through all shes been through.
so maybe im just beginning to wonder…. to look… for someone else who has walked this road and has come out the better because of it. someone who has chosen to live… to truly live through all this hell on earth – and has become a better person because of that choice.
someone who took what was dealt to them, and played the game anyway. even if all they had was a losing hand….
i dont know… maybe i dont even know what im looking for.
in other news, friday nite i ended up at a gathering at an unnamed church for a ‘young adult’ meeting. it was a group of about 10 of us 18-27 year olds… i ended up simply being real about how i sometimes find it hard to pray or spend time in the word (for a variety of reasons i didnt meantion) and someone else immediately jumped down my throat and decided that her simple world view was the only one to have.
i know, i should have let this infraction go a long time ago. i know that. and im trying. its not a one time thing for me. it never is. i work my f*cking a$$ off to be the best damn person i can. and i get furious when someone steps into my life, knowing aboslutely nothing and decides to tell me what to do.
somewhat extreme? yeah, i know. it is.
some of it is sheer frustration. and honestly, some of it is sheer fear.
i try so hard because i dont know what else will happen if i dont.
my entire family fell apart 2 years ago. and ive barely let my guard down once since then.
i was a “good kid” before all that happened. i didnt drink, do drugs or blah blah blah. and all that STILL HAPPENED. which of course, begs the question… what would happen if i DID screw up?
i know – you’re thinking that my logic above is askew. completely askew. and you’d be absolutely right for thinking that way. it is. i know it. you know it.
but you’re not the one who lies awake at 4am thinking about that.
you dont have to live with the voices in my head.
you dont know what its like.
we prayed. sort of. i dont do well at praying regularly during the most intense times of my life. i find it overwhelming. i get paralyzed at the prospect of reminding God yet again of what both He and i are so painfully aware of…. …. and would He please please please make it all better?
so ive been thinking over the course of the past few weeks….ive been thinking a lot actually.
im realizing that my story….
if you were to right a book about my life… and if you wrote the final page today…
my story would not be complete.
at least… i hope not.
for you see, my story is not one of finding inner healing. of baring the deepest parts of my soul to an Almight and Loving God… and finding healing. my story would have many chapters written, unchangably, in the first person. because a lot of times – there was no second, or third.
my story would find me striving for… fighting… for survival.
it would not neccessarily be one of victory in all battles.
it would be a story of survival.
of a prodigal son.
a sinner.
i guess ive found myself in a beatiful letdown.
im constrained by my heart to follow hard after my God. every time i attempt to press into His presence, im overwhelmed by my mistakes. by my sins. i long to simply run away from this feeling. from this God who loves me. and into the sweet embrace of nothingness. to escape from pain. from hurt. from moments that would stretch me… and let me grow. i dont want to lose anything else. so i run.
i want to run from the One Being, i want to blame… the One Being, i can blame… the One Being, who is blameless.
an almighty God… and a family, lives in ruin.
an almighty God… and through all the stormclouds… a lining. sometimes… only the shadow of a lining of hope.
my story doesnt revolve around a life dominated recently of powerful moves of an almighty God. my story doesnt show Gods moving in the “parting of the red sea” or “fire from heaven”.
my story centers on a quiet, hardly discernable “i am still here” that has reverberated through every circumstance, every battle won… and lost.
His love is perfect. and how i ever got to the point that i would run FROM it… rather than to it… i dont know if i can undestand it.
i absolutely despise so much of who ive become.
i hate that His Presence isn’t the first thing i run to when i hurt.
i hate that my life doesnt reflect His love.
i hate that my heart, my mind, my actions – dont line up with His desires for me to live a pure life.
i hate that i feel so…. unholy.
i run from the shame. i run beacause of the shame. i run because i know that people arent as forgiving as a Holy God. i run, because i cant stand who ive become when i stop running.
im scared.
im scared that if i stop… that things will catch up with me. and ill never start again.
ultimately, im afraid that if i do stop… and let down my guard…
people will see… they’ll see me. for all of who i am. sinful, dirty, unholy… wrong.
they’ll see the facets of who i am that i try to hide…
they’ll see the facets ive become so good at covering, that i sometimes can pretend they’re not even there.
but they are. and they will, in one form or another, always be there. its what makes me human. they are what make me in need of a saviour. of a champion.
of the One who through it all…
is still there.
things change.old dreams come true.
and as a result – other dreams are reawakened.
life is never so constant as to be boring…. if it ever was – would it be considered living?
friendships can change. people change.
but one thing remains the same.
faith, hope and love.
but the greatest of these – is love.
so help me to be brave. to reach out for broken dreams. to pick up the pieces and ignore the scars… to be more determined… to look for the light. help me to love. help me to fight.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 