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why?
sometimes you’ve got to let go of your rights… to realize how wrong you’ve been.sometimes you’ve got to let everything go… to realize how precious are the things you’ve been given.
sometimes you need someone to be there… and sometimes, no one is.
i miss kate. i miss seeing her posts on my blog. i miss knowing that there is SOMEONE else out there who’s lived through what im walking through…
ive been a fool. ive harboured feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger and pain for the past 2.5 years. and i was wrong. im sorry. to the person who im adressing right now… i owe you an enourmous apology. my own feelings kept me from being the type of friend you needed during some of the worst storms of your life. i realize that now. and i am sorry. so sorry.
dont leave….
ok, ill admit it. its not easy. in fact, it sometimes takes every ounce of who i am to reach out and extend my trust… my willingness to be open… my desire to love… and be loved. its exhausting actually..
dont leave….
im trying so hard to decipher the part of “me” that is greedy and screams “its all about me” and the part of “me” that just honestly says…. “ive lost enough. honestly, ive lost everyone… and i dont want to lose anymore”
dont leave….
im not strong. i know that. ive tried for so long to simply walk this path alone. and ive realized i cant.
dont leave….
i dont know what i did to cause this. im trying to understand. im trying to learn from whatever mistakes i made to bring this all to pass.
dont leave….
but you know what? what ive worked so hard for these past 2 and a half years… ive tried to forget you…. ive tried to stop missing you. ive tried to logically do something to stop feeling the ache when you left. and the tears falling now, testify to the fact that im a complete failure.
dont lea… wait – its ok. you can leave. God be with you.
this is it. i didnt know i needed to come to this place… and of all days – today… but you’re not mine to protect. you are your own person. and beyond that, you’ve got your own life to live. so go, live it fully. may the memories of times we spent together bring you joy… and the knowing that wherever you go, you deserve to be treated like a princess… like a daughter of the King.
i pray He brings into your life people who will support you… be with you through thick and thin. people who will let you be you and love you completely and unconditionally. i pray He brings people into your life who make you happy… and ultimately, complete you.
its no longer the fact that “i miss you” or i want you back in my life…. those things dont matter… and in all honesty, they never did… i should have surrendered those feelings – and you – long ago.
am i afraid of you leaving my life? yes… but fear and freedom will never coexist.
so go. take flight in this world and never look back. and im sorry, for ever being someone who boxed you in.
you’re worthy of all the love anyone could ever pour into you… and i pray you find that.
be free.
every now and then, one must recognize someone who has spoken words into there life…. and simply say thank you.
thank you for the words below. thank you for the friendship.
raw emotions are a rare and coveted thing. thank you for the brutal honesty of your heart… showing the rest of us, that our hearts haven’t really been beating at all….. so many of us have not really been living, understanding, accepting, fighting, acknowledging the fight that life is worth… thank you for the simplistic truth of living a life that is truly felt and experienced to the fullest…… isn’t that why Christ said that he came? that we might have life abundantly. congratulations to you, for not letting go and taking the wild chance at living life abundantly. see, so many have misunderstood abundantly for “easy” or “perfect w/ no hardships”…. thank you for having the grace to find out what “life abundantly” truly is, thank you for your courage… thank you for showing me.
and sometimes you realize just how insignificant your expierences are. and, in the grand scheme of things, how microscopic your life is.they say hindsight is 20/20.
they’re right.
what kind of world do we live in when the most relevant people in our lives are those few souls scattered throughout the land of entertainment who – due to a staff of good writers and producers – actually exude a persona that relates to me?i realized something tonite… with the help of a friend.
its not the trust that i miss (although thats a huge part)… its not the closeness (again – a big part)… its not even the caesar salad…
its the bond. the bond with my family. my mom and dad… my sisters… close friends.
it’s being able to pick their tomatoes cause u know they don’t like em in their salad
its looking at them when they walk in a room and knowing every dertail of how their day went by how they looked at you.
its looking into there eyes and knowing you can see the very depth of who they are… and knowing they see you too.
its knowing that someone, somewhere, in this crazy world actually thinks you’re valuable… and…
it’s belonging in someone’s life so much……… that their life is a mirror of yours even though you’re doing something totally different.
and if they were stuck on a desert island for the rest of their life… and they could only bring one person… maybe… just maybe, they’d pick you.
its knowing that you matter to someone.
i know ive probably blogged more the past 48 hours than in any period in the past 48 months.
im just not sure what im feeling inside. and its scary not knowing.
—song of the nite—
there is a light that shines upon us. there is a heaven.
thats where im longing to be.
would you please come talk to me.
there is a darkness that falls upon us.
there is a blindness that makes me hunger for you.
will you lead me through?
summer of love
so ful of pain
summer of love
was God to blame
There is a song I have been singing
It brings the healing that’s what I’m longing to see
Would you please come fall on me
You probably know that I love a savior
His name is Jesus, and I am living to be
Just a faithful one to thee
summer of love
so full of pain
summer of love
was God to blame
summer of love
so full of pain
summer of love
God knows your name
—-end of song—-
why exactly the little boy inside of me is so scared right now i dont know. ive never been more unsure of so many things. and yet, ive never been so sure of one thing… change.
its coming. and i dont know how.
im standing on the edge of the unknown and im waiting for the other shoe to drop.
maybe im just crying out again for closure. maybe im searching for love. maybe im crying out for answers to the questions that refuse to go away.
maybe im just simply asking for the measure of courage neccessary to walk out this road. ive said it before, but i feel it more so each day. the end is coming. im not sure how, or what exactly this all means….
maybe its not so much the questions that im asking that matters… maybe its the ones that He’s asking me.
am i ready? am i prepared for the end? would i be ready if the command to ‘go’ was issued tomorrow?
i dont know…
but my heart burns for this….
Lord, you have my heart
and i will seach for Yours
Jesus take my life and lead me on.
this is it. this is me. mistakes and sins and warts and all. this isnt going to get any nicer. i just hope i have what it takes.
The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can’t have them.
for days now, ive just had this sense that change was coming.
i dont know how. or where its coming from. but its the very rythmn of my heart right now.
my relationships with those closest to me are changing. have changed.
whats important to me is changing.
its all been over the past 2 weeks or so.
i dont know what to think about it. or much less what to feel.
change and frustration seeminly walk hand in hand.
arg! i cant blog ANYTHING.
so stinkin much going on inside and i cant put it down on paper… or, blog rather.
oh well.
goodnite for now.
im going to leave tonites post title-less. for now anyway.
but in honor of an anniversary id rather not remember, im going to re-blog this message i originally posted back on may 29 2002. the day im reference below would have been memorial day 2002.
—–
rest. it comes to those who ask for it. if they do what it takes to step into it. no deep thoughts. no earth-shattering revelations. newsflash tho i have a reason to live. a few of them actually. 24 hours ago i was reminded of them. 48 hours ago… i was about to give up. but i have a reason. 2 of them actually. they live in ft. worth and they’re slightly younger and more beautiful than i am. well… slightly younger and much more beautiful. they are the reason i keep going. they are the ‘pot at the end of the rainbow’. they are the reason i continue on in this life i think im living….. they are my sisters and i love them incredibly.
—-
you see… memorial day 2002 was basically at the very peak of my emotional turmoil.
i had come home from a christian gathering feeling completely alone. completely isolated. and completely un-worthy.
depression has many faces. and there is no doubt in my mind that -at one time- my face was counted among those.
you need to understand that ive sat here. and the space between the last line i just typed, and this one here… although short… has taken me nearly 15 minutes.
simply because of what im pondering. because of the raw emotion. because of how scared i am now – of how close it was then.
one year ago memorial day, i had plans laid out to commit suicide.
there, i said it.
it would have been simple really. i had two options, either slit my wrists in the tub, or a simple 6 story free-fall from my parking garage.
shocked? i am. and ive had a year to comprehend the honest fact that i was that low. its scary. ‘scary’ doesn’t even seem to be a big enough word. it doesn’t convey the depth of emotion i feel. its almost as if its feelings to deep for words.
for once upon a fateful nite 1 year ago, my little sister called me from 1700 miles away. and she never could have known that the simple communication we shared, saved my life. she never knew that the words we shared brought me back to life. she could never know that within that conversation were the things i was dying to hear.
she showed me i was needed. that i had a purpose in life. and that i had a reason, 2 of them actually, to live.
now maybe, in the course of my post tonite, ive shaken your world a little bit. well then, good. maybe it will make you stop and take stock of your friendships and realize that life isnt forever. and that, in a moment… it can change. and in a moment… it can be taken away.
im not where i used to be. praise God. im not that person anymore.
i used to think it could never happen to me, now i know it could happen to anyone.
be thankful for each day and live it to its fullest.
because, in all honesty, there are no promises that this life i think im living will continue on tomorrow.
here is to today.
and to lives being changed by grace.
amen and amen.
its been – what seems like – forever. hasn’t it?since i last was able to blog anything of signifigance.
change is coming. i dont know what else to say.
but its coming.
and im either going to be ready…
or im going to be run over.
either way – change is coming.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 