You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘Life’ category.
it is the foundation for every friendship.
all buisness deals are merged with its truths.
there is no love without it.
its a simple word with incredible weight.
trust.
i realized something after goin to see spiderman ( THE MOVIE YOU MUST GO SEE). i got talkin to my movie goin friend val about it.
i realized this literally as i was saying it – that a certain someone whom val and i both hold in high regard has given to me a gift that i know i cant understand the depth of. the gift? its a simple thing with incredible weight. trust.
our friends at webster describe trust as: 1 a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed.
am i terrified? heck yeah. outta my mind. but its a good thing. because i know this to be true – i am a poor excuse of a human being and -in and of myself- am utterly incapable of ever fulfilling the requirements of such a gift. i know i dont understand how precious this is and i can not act in a way that could covey how much it is to be cherrished. but i know the One who can.
my job? its simple really. to live a life that cultivates a heart that can trust – and be trusted. to live a life so honest, so open to the One deserving of my trust – that i am changed into His image. then… and only then… will i be truly one to be trusted.
i am humbled and honored. scared and terrifed. and in some really weird way – ready for the beggining of the ride of this life i think im living;-)
to all those out there who trust me and whom have placed with me a part of who they are – i love you all:-)
i just deleted my entire blog on this simple thing we call trust. it was a good one. i liked it. round two will come tomorrow.
nite for now
from what i can see, this entire life revolves around one thing.
one thing – with one main characteristic. but many names.
loss… death… destruction…
all we try and strive to obtain. all we hope and long to have. all this world revers and wars to own. all we hold dear. its nothing. we gain it all. we work. we strive. we yearn for things that will ultimately leave us. nothing we strive for on this planet can ever be fulfilling enough to make us feel complete.
we watch tv to escape our reality. but the big thing right now is reality tv. if i wanted to watch the broken hearts of people who’ve lost a friend. a loved one… i dont need to tune in to ER. i just need to look up. look at my buddy list.
ive such a desire to just blog my heart out here. to end up spilling the last 7 months to this little box on my desk thats become one of my bestest friends. i want to release it all. to know what it feels like to be alive again. to love. to feel. to hope. to yearn. to strive for something beyond what i see.
this is it. this –right here– encompasses what ive been feeling the past few months.
im sick of it.
im sick of living… for myself.
i want be a sanctuary
pure and holy
tried and true
i want to live for something more.
all i once held dear – built my life upon
all this world revers and wars to own
all i once thought gain i have counted loss
spent and worthless now compared to this.
all the wasted years
all the many tears ive cried
trying to fill my life
tryin to bring some peace to my mind
never really knowing it was you i was longing for
till you opened my heart
and i tasted of you
now all i want is more….
its the cry of this generation
for we’re tired of the religions of man
now we are consumed
by a desire to be close to you
and the passions of this world
have nothing we’re looking for
blessed is the generation whos God is the Lord
are hearts are completely yours
ive said many times that this life i think im living isnt mine. from now on, i dont want to live it for me anymore.
– nite
im not sure if this comes across as me being greedy… but here goes
after the hell of the past 7 months, things are finally begining to calm down here in NY.
all the external crap that ive been facing is slowly ebbing away (for now anyway). and now that this pile of crap is shrinking – im left to confront all the crap that isnt so external. its internal.
have i changed for the better because of the past 7 months? is my relationship with an all powerful all loving God any stronger? wait… wait wait. the question – do i CARE if ive changed for the better and do i CARE if my relationship with an all powerful and all loving God is any stronger? do i?
whats scary? that i have to ask myself that question.
in all honesty, i want to shout and scream and draw my line in the sand and tell God He’s taken enough. that this is my life and that im sick of the sh*t and hell ive faced. i dont want any more of it. i want an end. and it seems like as soon as the external things calm down, the internal things begin to unsettle themselves. its like it isnt enough for my life to fall apart externally, ive got to deal with the hellish person ive become also.
and quite frankly – i dont want too.
yeah – greedy. i know.
i didnt ask to live this life. and i wasnt asked if i wanted to. its the life i think im living. and the only logical conclusion is that this life isnt “mine” to live. i didnt create myself and its obvious i have no control over the things that matter. i have responsibility, yes. but thats about it.
im just gonna be real. i dont have any sort of inspirational quote to end tonite. just a simple. ‘here we go again’.
im harder than this – this world aint got what it takes. ill make it through.
ok, so maybe a little inspiration.
“the question at hand – help me understand – is this Your plan?
i think i can – can i think?- then i think i can.
because i wont break (nah) and i wont shake (nah) with lifted hands to this man (Jah) we stand in faith.
ill make it through with my trust in You.
close my eyes – make a wish – kiss the sky cuz now i see You.“
as a small post script to my recent blog.
the anouncement was more of a small formality. thats all. no fanfare. no major sigh of relief.
it was something i had to do. so it was done. the “papers havent been filed” yet. so everything isnt formal yet, legally anyway.
but i basically got sick of waiting for anything “formal” from TX. so yeah. when you go to a church of 3000 members and youve been there 22 years. a conservative estimate is that 400 people know you. 400 people with questions about the family. well… honestly, screw waiting on the family to deal with anouncing anything. its public now.
moving on.
tonites simple lil thought.
i realized that in a lot of ways, ive changed in these past 8 months. and ya know what? i dont like some of whom ive become.
so my simple thought?
i wanna change.
g-nite
ok. so i guess i had a little bit more to blog.
i guess i just wanted to make this a formal announcement.
my parents are getting a divorce.
there. i said it.
the world now knows.
and this life i think im living continues….
goodnite for real this time….
until we meet again
-cheers
thats it. right there. thats my simple quote for the nite. 4 simple words.-adieu
law and order
wow. freaky.
NBCs highly rated crime/lawyer drama. it just ended.
the story line?
the sorid tale about an average american family (whatever the freak that is). and in this normal everyday family, the ‘father figure’ -a successful doctor – leaves his boring marriage for a 24 year old bimbo who only wanted him for his money.
1 man
1 woman
2 kids
average american family thrown into turmoil by the sexual dysfunction of one disgusting excuse of a man.
2 kids. whos lives will never be the same because of circumstances well beyond their control.
2 kids… whos lives are now going through hell.
they’re watching their mother drink and drug herself unconcious every nite.
they’re watching “dear ol daddy” gettin his bimbo pregnant.
hell.
ok, so you’re asking me where exactly the murder takes place. its simple to know who dies. the money grubbing, family destroying, 25 year old female.
the shocker tho?
the 15 year old daughter… who, through no actions of her own – now comes from a broken family. who will have to face the toughest years of her existence being shuffled between “homes”. the daughter whos measure of a future husband is now screwing someone only 10 years old than she is….well…
she kills the girlfriend.
she wanted her family back so bad… she killed her fathers girlfriend.
now. as i think about it… is that the shocker? or, is the shocker the fact that im not surprised. that this whole event almost could seem “normal”, and that… i could relate?
i dont know
random thoughts….
from the life i think im living
goodnite all
3 things before i crash.
1. a shout out to skipper for being a wonderful friend tonite.
2. a shout out to solaire for letting me know how much she liked what i blog.
3. thankful…. my supreme thankfulness to the God in Heaven for not being in the ER tonite….
🙂
ok.
this life i think im living continues and i need sleep
nite
i wouldnt call this chapter 4. its more like just a small scrap piece of paper i shoved into my book.
im sick of this. i seriously am.
what i wouldnt give for closure.
something definitive. something that begins to bring the frayed strands of my life back into some semblance of alignment. something that begins to bring completion. normallacy. something that says that “the end is near”. or…. “keep going because you’re almost there”.
maybe its somewhat greedy of me to wonder why i should continue to keep pressing on.
new subject.
honesty and openess. according to a “comprehensive personality profile” i took for my job, i prefer honest open relationships. i have a very low level of trust. and… oh heck. just read
My social style combines a low degree of trust with a low level of assertiveness. This low trust affects interpersonal relationships because it produces a skepticisim toward the real intentions of others. As a result, I will avoid being completely open and free to interact when being introduced to new acquaintances. Once the acquaintance earns a degree of trust, I become much more relaxed in my relationship and more open with my emotions. In addition, my low level of assertiveness affects interpersonal relationships because I feel I might be too easily manipulated or controlled by others. A defense mechanism will more than likely be employed to protect my vulnerability. The interaction of these two characterists, low trust and low assertiveness, result in my maintaining a more controlled approach to new relationships.
a “more controlled approach to new relationships” and “a defense mechanism”.
hmm… i seriously hate my defense mechanism. i can feel it click into gear and i feel completely and totally powerless to stop it. its like a wall that just pops up. i dont intentionally do it. i despise when it happens. and i’ve no clue what to do when it happens.
the more i live
the more i (hopefully) learn.
and if i learned anything this week, its that life seems to be a very delicate balancing act. one at which i am an utter failure at. it is not possible to live in a way that doesnt piss somebody off. it really isnt. which then denotes the question – why try? why do i even bother.
i guess, in all honesty – you’re hearing the fearful cries of a wounded heart. you’re hearing me fighting against my ‘defense mechanism’. you’re hearing me trying to wade through the repeating tapes of my failures, of my hurts, of who i think i am.
i spent this week waking up screaming from the american dream.
and ive realized, i dont want it. im not living for the american dream. i dont care about a good retirement. i dont care about a nice freakin ‘nest egg’. i dont need a vacation house in cancun or the ability to move to florida when im 65. this life was meant to be lived.
i dont know how, and i dont see the way… but somehow… i hope that my living will bring me to the place where i understand how to truly live. because i know im not now. i know i can not be truly living. if this is truly living – then this life i think im living isnt worth the cost. i was born for something more. i was born for something beyond the sum total of my parts.
i dont know what.
i just know im restless.
welcome to my life
welcome to the struggle to live
welcome to this life i think im living.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 