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now playing: pages – shane and shane
if there is one thing i want to carry with me throughout the final days of 2007, one theme that above all guides my heart, and what keeps my heart soft…. i hope and pray that it is the simple truth that we all have so much to be thankful for.
that i have so much, to be thankful for.
someday, be it Gods will, id like to spend this season being thankful with someone. but thats in Gods hands. right now, for this time, i’m choosing to simply be thankful. im choosing to be caught up in the wonder of all that Christmas is. the glorious song of old and the joy that it represents.
there are so many things i could blog about. so many issues, concerns that are pressing on my heart. but not now. not at this moment.
i dont stop often enough and simply give thanks. for life. for being alive. for family and friends that i love so dearly. for a job and a car and for not being rear-ended earlier this week. ‘thank you’ seems paltry in comparison to what ive been given. compared to grace. mercy. hope. love.
i truly have so much to be thankful for.
now playing: mutemath – stall out, demon hunter – lead me home, lifehouse – broken
roles confuse me. they do.
maybe not roles in general. but more so, my role; my role confuses me. i dont know who im supposed to be. and at times, that can be the most disheartening thing to face.
the word ‘responsiblity’ has been on my mind a lot recently. i’ve been trying to figure out my responsibilities about a lot of different situations. trying to figure out where responsibility and life intermingle, and where responsibility ends, and real life begins.
because right now, responsibility does not = life. at least, not right now.
not when your dad has lost his job, again. and doesnt have the money to buy gas to come see you at starbucks. not when he wants you, needs you to teach him to use a computer because he cant (or wont) find work in the areas that he is skilled in. not when you realize he’s little more than 5 years from retirement age (65). and you honestly start asking yourself if you could live your life knowing your father wound up homeless.
where does responsiblity start? and where does it end? at what point did i become the father. and he the son?
someone once said that the desire for companionship, for finding that one you were designed to be with, for finding one of the largest parts of a life worth living… was only a human desire.
sir, i respectfully disagree.
why? because. i exist. because even in the midst of my parents marriage disintegrating, in the midst of my life falling apart in so many ways. i exist.
and im still here.
good can, and does come from the worst of circumstances. and im living proof of it.
i dont have all the answers. and sometimes, the questions seen overwhelming. and you know what? sometimes i catch my own reflection, and i can see the questions. the questioning. staring at me. staring me down. running and ruining so much of my life.
here i stand. and to be honest, even with all this… i have so much to be thankful for. i have friends all over the nation. i have a family i love. a job that loves me. and a savior who is patient.
so despite my doubts, and fears, and obvious inability to figure this life out. i’m going to continue my search. my search for hope. my search for purpose. my search for a life worth living. it may not come the way i expect it. there may be pain, but there will be home. there will be joy. there will be love.
and i will live this life.
now playing: iona – woven cord
maybe it’s because the holidays are right around the corner. maybe its not. all i know is that for some time now, there has been a part of me that hasn’t been fully satisfied.
i know there are times when life… takes turns outside of where we thought we’d be. where we wake up one day, and its just… not. not the way it was supposed to be. and in some respects, its times like those that ask us to stay single. we’ve got too much other stuff to focus on to worry about finding that special someone.
ive been wondering if there is a time when that fades away. and life turns again… and each time we journey into the sea we know so well, our hearts hear a whisper. a call. and our desire to venture into waters we do not know, grows.
it sounds really really cheap to say ‘pj’s on the market’. and honestly, thats not what im saying. but i’d be lying if i said i hadnt been thinking about it.
now, before you starting thinking of people, dont – because i dont even have anyone in mind. just more of a desire.
an awakening desire to surprise someone with flowers. someone to make coffee for. someone to stand next to as 2007 draws to a close.
there is more. i keep hearing that. there is more than the small part of the world i call home. more of the sea than has yet to be seen. there is more to this life. more to be lived. just beyond these shores.
(now playing: beautiful people – jason upton)
there are times in our lives when words simply fail to express where we are at.
6 years ago this evening, i received a phone call. i was in the middle of soundcheck for a CD release party. that call informed me that my dad had left my mom.
and in all honesty, life became unhinged.
i dont bring that up for pity. because i dont want it. i bring it up to remind myself of where i’ve come from. of what life was like. and how precious the people in my life are.
i bring it up to remind us
if you’re parents are still happily together, thank them. if you’ve found the one you’ve been looking for, then make sure they know it. tonight.
if you’ve got friends like wendy, kate, april, ash and jenna; who will ask the sometimes hard questions, then make sure they know how thankful you are for them.
and if you believe in a Holy God whos heart broke when your world fell apart… then make sure you tell Him you love Him.
answers seem to come when we least expect them. and sometimes, if we’re not paying attention, we miss them. and we miss the growth, the opportunities to learn, and to live life, that much more.
i dont pretend to have all the answers. and i dont think we were meant to live life with all the answers. life was meant to be mysterious. life was meant to make us risk, put our hearts on the line, and maybe… just maybe, find what we were looking for.
once upon a time, there was a boy… and he thought he had found a girl. and in his prayers, he asked his Father for guidance. for answers. for a direction. he even had other friends praying for the same.
weeks later, the answer came. it wasnt the answer he expected. in fact, he didnt even realize it was the answer until days later. but the answer came. his Father was faithful.
the answer came. and thankfully, i saw it.
in this mystery, we will always have questions. moments when life seems to stop us, and we cannot help but question, cry out for understanding, and simply wonder. sometimes, the answer will come when we need them. other times, we will simply be asked to trust, and keep walking, even when it doesnt make sense.
we’re all given dreams, passions, things that make our hearts beat. we’re all given things that make us feel alive, and beyond that, make us want to live life… it is in those things that we know our Father exists. and that He cares. it is because of those giftings that we know that there is a calling, and a hope. and that even in the midst of the mystery, we can keep going.
He never promised that the way would be clear, only that He’d be with us. and that, in Him… we can learn to walk through the mist… trusting that one day soon… we will learn to run
life changes. and with those changes come the responsiblity to grow and adapt and become better for them. sometimes those changes are sudden, unexpected and unwanted… all we can do is react, recover and eventually, move on. other times though, those changes are good things. very good things.
my sisters leave in 3 days. for school. for a year. wow. this is a good thing btw.
being the over protective older brother is going to change now. it will have to. but it needs to. you see, they’re ready to go. and beyond that, they need to go.
i have no doubt in my mind that this will be the beginning of their time to fly. this will be their time to find their wings, what truly makes their hearts beat… and fly.
or as someone once said to me… run.
i am so proud of them. proud of who they are becoming. of how beautiful they are.. and i am so immensely excited of what this year will be for them. the first year, literally, of the rest of their lives.
and so the challenge comes…. after this. after friday… whats next? for me?
to be honest. im not sure. im struggling with how to segue into this. i wrote the below a few nights ago. and at the time, i felt the need to sit on it.
i cannot promise it makes sense, but its a part of my heart. a part of what ive been feeling the past few weeks. and who knows, it may even be a part of my future.
——
where do you go? where do you go when you’re looking for a father? where does one learn how to live the life of a Godly man when there is no Godly man to show him? how are we expected to find our way down this road, without a guide? how am i supposed to learn about love? about really truly loving a woman for all that she is, with all that i am and all that i have, for all of eternity… without seeing it done?
this journey into manhood, without a father, is something i would never wish upon anyone. its like being asked to find your way through the wilderness, to the man your supposed to be… without knowing the way, a general direction, or even what the final destination is supposed to look like.
when all you ever learned was inadequacy, was unworthiness, was what ‘not’ to do… how do you take that and translate it into action? into a direction? into a hope for the future?
….
how do i take what i see, what i feel… how do i tell her that im going crazy. that im terrified of feeling this way because i dont know how to love her the way i want to. that all i know, all i was ever shown was how to screw up the best thing that was ever given to you?
what do i do with this? with this gift, this… seeing this beauty? how do i tell her? do i tell her? am i crazy? is this just a pipe dream of a boy who died so long ago?
….
if anything, i am still learning. im still learning that there is healing that still needs to take place. that there are places in my heart where, at most, you will find insecurity and uncertainty.
the longer i live, the more i realize that only a true father can raise sons into true manhood. and if there is a promise i cling to, its that there is One who will put the fatherless into families.
You promised. and now, i’m asking for you to fulfill that promise. i need a Father, and if all i’ll ever have is you… then help me. help me to become the man i so want to be. for me. for her, wherever she may be.
——
all i know is this:
with tremendous blessing and change, comes the challenge. to not become stagnant. to not settle. to continue to look up, look for the next thing God has for you. the challenge to never let anything satisfy that isnt what God has designed just for you.
so as my sisters transition into their change… as they step into their futures. as they move into the amazing futures that God has destined specifically for each of them…. i can only say one thing….
run!
p.s.
go. hear. and hope.
http://blog.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms
and
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
(now playing: anberlin/cable car/cities)
my grandparents, in so many ways, are heroes to me. now, my moms parents are far from perfect, dont get me wrong… but they’re still together. and they have been for a long time.
each afternoon, they go down to the local cafe and sit, people watch, and enjoy coffee.
its amazing, but im slowly realizing that that is just what i want. its where i want to end up. still in love, still enjoying coffee, 50+ years after ‘i do’.
while back home a few weeks ago, i walked into a grocery store and stepped aside for an elderly man and woman. obviously married, and probably oblivious to most of the world around them… but something rang true when i saw that. something in that moment, echoed a cry from my heart…. i want that. i want to grow old, in love.
i’m not sure where i’m headed tonight; other than to say that this part of who i am, i had forsaken. if i was honest, id have to tell you that there were times where i contemplated not ever finding that ‘someone’. where i could honestly see myself living the rest of my days single.
i dont have a lot to give. not yet. im still very much walking out from under the destruction of my parents divorce, and my fathers mistakes.
most men feel sentenced by their fathers in three ways. we feel sentenced by the wound, by what we got from them in answer to our deepest question (do i have what it takes?). we feel sentenced by the fact that there is now no one to lead us on in our need for masculine initiation. and we feel sentenced somehow to a bond we feel with our fathers – their sins, their failures, what they were as men. it feels like the hand we have been dealt. as if we might, with effort, make it a little father than he, but we will always be his son.
the way of the wild heart
-john eldridge
there are still parts of who i am entangled in the mess that john describes in this book. its amazing, but i still consider myself my fathers son. and when someone mentions his shortcomings, his failures, his sins, i hurt. and i dont know why……
sometimes, its in our silence that our heart speaks the loudest. sometimes its not the presence of a great orator, or the abundance of words that communicates what our hearts are feeling… sometimes its just the ‘being there’, the presence of something we know is beyond us.
sometimes, its in the moments of quiet when we realize the beauty around us. we realize the grace, the passion, the greatness in the things, the people, we’ve always known. we simply see them in new light.
there will come a time, when my heart will be ready. when i’ll risk it all, put my everything on the line and fall in love. im not there yet. im not. im not the type of man who could say ‘i do’, and say it again 50+ years from now over a cup of coffee.
but i want to be. i so want to be.
im exhausted. i am. but i guess, in a way, its a good thing.
there are things you realize only when you’re drained. things that come to you only when you’ve exhausted your internal reserves. things you learn only when you drop your guard, simply because you haven’t the strength to hold it any longer.
sometimes those things we learn shake us to our core. sometimes those things destroy us. we may realize that, what we’ve run so hard from, is inside of us. or, we may see that we really have lost our way…
other times, the things we learn shake us, but they do not destroy us.
maybe we realize that our heart is healing. that spring is coming… that this winter of the soul that has lasted for far to long… is not forever. we begin to see the ice melt… and the promise of spring rains brew on the horizon.
our heart begins to beat again. and even if the first thing we feel, is how truly broken it is… we’re thankful. because for so long we thought we’d never see it reach out for someone else. we’re thankful to know we can still feel. still love. and still desire love in return. and even if that love isnt returned, there is still promise. because we realize we’re not totally broken. we realize that there is still destiny for us.
we realize that love is possible. and even if we dont know where our heart will find its match, we sit in thankful silence…. because we know that our heart is still beating.
i wrote the following back on 11/20. i include it here because it is a snippet of who i am. and of who i am becoming. because it is about parts of my heart ive neglected for far too long… that are slowly awakening…
–
i read your blog today; and i realized then why you’d seemed so busy. you’ve found someone. and to be honest, i was jealous. not just that you’ve got a someone in your life… but because it was you. am i saying that i wish it were me? in a way… yeah. i am.
why? and more importantly, why didnt i say anything earlier? because you’re special. you’re an amazing woman and you deserve a man who knows exactly who he is, and what he wants… and most importantly, knows that youre exactly the one for him.
and im none of those things. one day, for one girl, i will be. buti knew, that for this period of time, my own feelings aside, i needed to step back and simply pray you’d find that man.
and now i pray you have.
i do pray you’ve found him. and, please, forgive my bit of jealousy. you’re an amazing girl. and there isnt anything more i want than for you to be happy. for you to find that guy, that one. and i hope you have:) i do.
–
there are times we need outside influences, outside circumstances to shake us awake. to bring us to the place where we realize something about ourselves, about our hearts. sometimes those moments bring utter wonder, as we realize how much we’ve changed, and grown. sometimes they bring a hush, and cause us to to listen to parts of who we are. parts that went silent a long time before. and sometimes they bring shock and revulsion, as we learn how quickly we can fall.
even with the lack of people in my life in texas, im learning my need for friendship. for leadership. for a dream. for a vision to follow. and for leaders who will push us towards that dream.
i pulled our college/career pastor (randy) aside sunday. id been to the 20something group at our church a few times already. and honestly, i wasnt captured.
i asked randy if we could get together sometime soon. i want to know what his passion is. what puts breath in his lungs. what gets him up in the morning. i want to know his passion for this group, for this generation. because im looking for something, a vision; and someone, a leader to get behind and push.
why? because part of me knows that the next few weeks/months may lead to many changes. someone once said, the hardest thing to do is sometimes the right thing to do. so when the changes come, i hope i welcome them with open arms.
this lifes not like you wanted it
his eyes, i can see again
i need you here
in your mind, nobodys listening
its your right, not to feel again
just breath again
feels like, your world is caving in
and i cry, failing to understand
i wish i can
its all right, if your missing him
in his eyes, you can live again
free within
time after time
i walk the fine line
something keeps brining me back
time after time
im going in blind
i dont know which way i need to go
time after time
i cant see the signs
do all these roads bring me back to you?
-POD
Going in Blind
you give me hope. you do. and i dont even think you realize it.
the above sentence could be written to any number of people in my life. and to that, a goal is forming in my heart; to publicly thank these precious people for the times, the ways in which they imparted hope into my soul. because most of the time, they didn’t even know they were doing it.
tonight however, this post is for you beth b.
you bring me hope. you do.
you’ve walked through the fire of relationships that didnt end in happily ever after and yet you chose to continue to trust, and to look for love.
you work your tail off at a job most people wouldn’t be able to handle, and now, you’re taking on even more. and yet still, you find time for those most important to you. you find time for love.
i know i cannot understand all of the ways in which someones heart has been broken, but i can say i know enough to understand that the past few years havent been easy on you. yet you still, you still let love in.
you give me hope. and you give me strength.
you chose to follow the One. when He asked for your heart, you gave it. and you’re all the better for it.
i know ive been on the sidelines for so much of the life your living… but if im constrained to the sidelines, it only means im supposed to cheer you on.
because the life your leading beth, is worth cheering for.
you’re not perfect, no one is. but you have an amazing person in your life. a person who loves you more than anything. and you love him just the same. you stand at the beginning of the most amazing voyage of your life and im so happy for you… because you’re doing it right.
you’re sticking to what you believe. and youre finding your happily ever after.
thank you.
because i question if happily ever after is really worth fighting for.
you answer that question, simply by the way you live. you give me hope.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 