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i keep coming back to this song. to how much my heart aches to be written, fully, into the story being told around me.
i get so frustrated throughout the day by the very things that, in an eternal perspective, will never matter. things that carry very little weight, that hold no long-term value or purpose.
and although i started this post a few weeks ago, i’m wondering if it’s turning into an answer to yesterdays post.
because i know, down deep, that belief isnt enough. i know, i think we all know at some level that sometimes there are no shortcuts. sometimes the mountain is there not to be moved, or for us to go around, but for us to learn to climb. sometimes we must go through the storm simply because some lessons cannot be learned any other way.
it’s those times, we learn what trust really is.
and its in those times, that our stories are written. stories worth reading. stories worth retelling. stories worthy of the calling that has never left our lives.
One Sonic Society – Burn
how often has it been said that someone walked within their destiny? that they found exactly what they were called to do, and did it? history records those people as few and far between. washington, lincoln, luther. they found their destiny, saw it through to the finish and the world was never the same.
the more i live, the more i believe this is a rare quality. that we, as humanity, has settled for good enough. that we’ve given up on the possible and the potential, for the present and the popular. that we’ve given up on our dreams to chase after the things that the world says we should want.
that we’re supposed to want the 3.7 kids, dog and white picket fence. that 2500sq ft and a 2 car garage is the dream we should all have.
i think that’s settling. i think that’s buying into the hype of the world we live in.
dont misunderstand me – i would love those things. i would love to provide a beautiful house to a beautiful woman. i would love to give something like that, to someone like that. but this ‘dream’ is not about blessing anyone. its not about who you helped yesterday, or that those closest to you may need your help right now… its about how big your flat panel hd tv is. it’s about what year your car is.
—-
we were created with purpose. with destiny woven into the very core of our being. we were created to know and understand at a very basic level that we are temporal beings. that life on this earth isnt everything. that the 70-90ish years we spend on this planet are but a whisper in the stories told throughout history.
tonight, i am asking a tough question. its one i dont like to think about, much less bring into the blogosphere.
tonight, i am wondering if there is destiny left for me. if there is still a story to be told. if there is still purpose, still dreams to be dreamt, and if those dreams, will one day be reality.
its not that i doubt, in my mind, that there are still stories to be told, and dreams to be chased after. but in my heart? i doubt. i question. i wonder if the chance has come and gone.
tonight, i face my own doubts. and i wonder, question if i still have what it takes. if i ever had what it took. i question if ive made the right decisions. if decisions i made years ago were the right ones. and tonight, i regret some decisions i cannot unmake.
there was a time in my life where i rarely questioned the calling i felt. where i thought i knew what i was supposed to be, who i was supposed to be. when i thought i knew what a man looked like. tonight, thats all been replaced with shades of gray.
i guess, what it really comes down to, is if i still believe. if i still can hold onto the simple truth that there is still hope. maybe tonight i need to realize that i’m not surrounded by shades of gray, but by shades of grace.
and that these are good questions to ask, because they make me face the dark areas inside of my heart.
because the heart, is the key thing.
if we were created with destiny in the very fiber of who we are, then it’s our hearts that know this. its our hearts that whisper these truths in the most inopportune times. its these whispers we try to drown in busyness, in work, in more. more stuff, more money, more time, more effort.
its almost as if we know, deep in who we are, that our hearts are central to our lives. and yet, when our hearts whisper to us that we were meant for more, it scares us. and we do all we can to hide from that. we do what we can to pretend its not there. that freshly painted picket fences and a 2011 car in the garage somehow complete us.
all the while, our hearts know better.
so tonight, i’m listening. im listening to the whispers of my heart, and in those, i’m hearing the echo’s of the heart of the Creator. of the great story teller.
and although i wont pretend my doubts are gone, i have hope.
and i still beli(eve).
brooke fraser – orphans, kingdoms
you will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart…
– Jeremiah 29:13
“what more can be said, what greater case can be made than this: to find God, you must look with all your heart. to remain present to God, you must remain present to your heart. to hear His voice, you must listen with your heart. to love Him, you must love with all your heart. you cannot be the person God meant you to be, and you cannot live the life He meant you to live, unless you live from the heart.”
– John Eldredge
Waking the Dead
king of this heart – matt readman:
the last time i sat, and simply watched the world go by, i was more than a thousand miles from here. and, as im now realizing, facing some of the same challenges. and i grasped then, as i do now, that there is so much more going on here than i’ll probably ever understand. that there is more to the story than i allow myself to see.
i, like so many of us, had given up on the mythos that calls to our hearts. the mystery and myth that swirls through our favorite stories. i’d given up on adventure, on stories worth telling.
in so many ways, ive believed the lie that this life is all that there is. that face value, is real value.
and i am reminded tonight that there is more to the story than i see right now. that life isnt 9-5, pivot tables and time-sheets. im reminded that we were called to live life abundantly. and i am reminded that there exists one who’s very goal is to keep us from that life.
John Eldredge in Waking the Dead talks of this mythos. of realizing that there is more. he says
“of all the Eternal Truths we dont believe, this is the one we doubt most of all. our days are not extraordinary. they are filled with the mundane, with hassles mostly. and we? we are… a dime a dozen. nothing special really. probably a disappointment to God. but as CS Lewis wrote, “the value of… myth is that it takes all the things we know and restores them to the rich significance which has been hidden by the ‘veil of familiarity.'” you are not what you think you are. there is a glory to your life that your enemy fears, and he is hell-bent on destroying that glory before you act on it. this part of the answer will sound unbelievable at first; perhaps it will sound too good to be true; certainly, you will wonder if its true for you. but once you begin to see with those eyes, once you have begun to know it is true from the bottom of your heart, it will change everything.
the story of your life is the long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you could be and fears it.”
so as i sit, and the world is passing me by, i am realizing, again that starbucks, commuting, and this 2 dimensional world i so often chose to live in, isnt all there is.
i spent the majority of last week in Michigan on business. and throughout the trip, i kept mulling on the word adventure. i had prayed, before i left, that the trip would be a success and that i would find an adventure. the trip went well, and although the adventure i’d asked for did come, it wasnt at all what i had expected.
one comment my boss said last week, stuck with me. we were talking about hobbies, about how i love antiques and music, and about how he loves classic cars and 40’s big band. and he said that when he retired, he’d love to set up a dark room, go shooting, and develop his own photos.
he said it wasnt because he wanted to be a great photographer, or that he even enjoyed taking pictures. he said….
“sometimes, its not the picture that matters. sometimes is the process of developing it.”
sometimes its not the destination that matters, but the process of getting there.
sometimes, its not where one is headed, but that one travels. sometimes the goal isnt the destination, but about living life. and you… i will never live this life sitting still. i wont live it behind a computer screen, or inside my cocooned world of electronic gadgetry.
life is found when we risk something. and life is lived, when we get something wrong. when we think we know something, and we realize that we were completely incorrect.
and completely incomplete.
its in those moments, when another page of our story is written. and we look back upon the words we spoke, the messages we delivered, the way we loved, or didnt, and we learn. we learn who we are, and where we need to change. we learn about our lives, our hearts, our hurts, and the hurts of others.
its in those moments that we see ourselves for who we really are.
and its in those moments we see others for who they are.
(eve)- i once thought i knew who you were. i once thought i understood where i was, where this was headed. i realize now, that there may be things i’m never certain of.
that doesnt mean you’re not out there. life is mysterious, it is mythic, to be lived fully, and should be revered as such. as deep, wide, and all-consuming. it should be looked at as an adventure.
and if living in this adventure means being uncertain of more things than i am certain of, then so be it.
because it will be worth it. because following this story through to the end, because reading this opus, because getting lost in the myth, will be worth it.
because you, loving you, will be worth it.
so i will live in the adventure now, to be ready for that time. i will jump headlong into the story of my life. and when you appear, i will be ready.
future of forestry – set your sails
tonight? tonight my heart is full. and tonight i am challenged.
tonight, i am reminded of things bigger than me. of dreams bigger than the life im currently living. tonight i am reminded that its not that we were called to be perfect, but that we were called to trust.
tonight, i am humbled. by the beauty i see in those close to me, and close to my heart.
tonight, i am reminded again, that life isnt meant to be lived with a focus on the now. but that life was meant to be lived looking forward, looking towards something. tonight, i am reminded that the calling we follow isnt to drown in the patterns and responsibilities of our jobs or slowly fade away in the busyness of the now, but to reflect the love of the One who created the very fabric of time.
tonight, i am reminded of hope.
i am reminded that we walk by faith, and not by sight.
so even when i dont see, i will believe.
that i am not alone. that this isnt all there is. that there is more. and that we, you and i, were called to live in the more. that we were called to passionately follow the God of passionate love. that we were called to see the sunrise, feel the warmth of the ocean breeze, stand in awe of the mountains and sit in silence under the desert sky.
that we were called to love, fiercely.
i will believe that there is a great and wonderful and beautiful story being written, that we are IN this story, and that we would see it as it is.
we will see the beauty, the hope, the greatness and wonder of each day, if only we would believe.
one sonic society – burn
i was thinking a few days ago. thinking about worship, and this thing called love. and i began to understand that part of my apprehension with love in general, is the same reason that there are certain things i just wont do in public.
i wont sing.
i can stand up in front of CEO’s, Presidents, VP’s, Directors, etc. and give a presentation. but sing? i wont even do that in the shower.
why?
because when i do something, i like doing it well. very, very well. and if i cannot do it well, then i do not want to try.
thats a dangerous way to live ones life. living that way means never trying something new. it means never experiencing the sheer joy of laughing at yourself. of making a mess as you try a new recipe. of learning to dance, and quickly realizing you have two left feet, all while making your date wish she’d worn steel toed boots.
its a dangerous way to lives ones life because we werent called to perfection, we were called to trust. and its in the simple obedience, it’s in the simple trust that our best, not the best, will be good enough. its in the trust that we can make a fool of ourself on the dance floor, or sing horribly off-key during karaoke, or cause food critics everywhere to cringe with our most recent creation, that we find life, and a life worth living.
we dont raise our children to believe that unless they’re the best, there is no use in trying. when we were growing up, our refrigerators were not covered in works from Picasso, Rembrandt, Degas or Monet. rather, they were covered with a childs expression of joy. finger paints, crayons, markers and probably the occasional spaghetti sauce stain.
to the trained art critic? junk.
to a parent? priceless.
if we held ourselves to such high expectations on the only relationship that truly matters, we would never approach Him. we would never find the grace and help that He promised, if we never step boldly into His presence. we would never know the intimacy in worship, or the real life saving of a real life Saviour. we would never know the creator of our Hearts, as the One who also holds them in His hands.
we would never understand how much He loved us, how much He loves us, if we never allow ourselves to come close.
and if we dont hold ourselves to such a level of perfection with God, why would we hold ourselves to that level of expectation with our friends and family? why would we avoid them if we cannot have our facade just so? why would we put up a front, when these are the very people who care for us? and we care for?
we dont want that. when we come down to the core of what we’re looking for in our relationships, we want to see the real in each other. we want to be us, and we want to see the real person on the other side of the table.
there is a beauty in the mess. there is grace in getting your toes stepped on. there is freedom, in living life the way we were created to live it.
messily.
at times, disastrously.
but all the time, fully.
future of forestry – this hour
This is the life
The life of huge and small
Forces blind or they guide you to shore
You’re alive and you pour your heart like you should
I know you’d step back and see if you could
Don’t whisper, don’t wait
Sing out this hour
Sing out this restless hour
Sing out, sing out, and let it go
Sing on this time
Sing on this lovely time
Sing on, sing on, and let it go
This is the life
Your soul is just what they seek
You feel the clash but you scarcely can see
Love is alive and is pouring down like a flood
I know you’d step back and see if you could
Don’t whisper, don’t wait
It’s your turn, it’s yours now
You are free, to capture your daylight
there are nights when i find it difficult to breathe. when a tightness constricts my chest. nights when i wonder if ive done what i should have. if my past, dictates my future.
nights when i wonder what could have happened. if only id done or not done….
nights when the worries of this world, the storm of voices swirling around my head, voices of accusation, self-doubt, my own fears and concerns, never let up.
there are nights when the questions i never allow myself to verbalize keep me up much later than i sometimes let on.
some time ago, i wrote about (eve), and although at the time i didnt make the post public, i felt i should. why? because so much of what started with that post is still at work within me.
so much of what im going through right now, rediscovering my heart, my passion, what fills me, and makes me alive, started with that post. with realizing that in some respects, if you’re a single male over the age of 18, you’re an (adam).
you’re walking through this life doing your best to become the man you want to be. if you’re lucky, you’ve had men in your life who’ve shown you the ropes, who’ve guided you through the confusing world of women, responsibilities, and what it means to be a man.
if you’re really lucky, you’ve had a man who knew the value of the wilderness. who has fought his own battles and has the scars to prove it. a man who understands what it feels like to be alone, and to strike out on his own. a man who knows what failure feels like, and who knows what its like to pick himself up, and move on.
a man who’s faced his demons, and is the better for it.
a man who may walk, in so many ways, with a limp, but in all purposes of the word, a man.
a man who understands who his God is. who knows intimately what it means to depend on someone greater than him. and by default of his willingness to learn and lean on His great God, a man who knows the value of the woman by His side.
and if you were to ask this woman, if she knew she was loved, there would be no doubt in her eyes as she gave you her answer.
i keep coming back to this, but there is great value in the process. in going through what we’ve been called to go through.
and tonight, that is what i’m going to cling to. i am going to realize that i am really, really lucky. because i have a man i can follow. One who understands the value of the wilderness. One who has faced demons, and bears the scars to prove it. a man who understood feeling alone, and what it means to walk a road no one has walked before. a man who understands our failures more intimately than we do.
a man who in every meaning of the word, is a man
i am going to depend on this Someone greater than me. i am going to rest in the truth that my past does not dictate my future. i am going to trust, that He is greater than anything i will face in this life.
and i’m going to pray the same for you.
Future of Forestry – All I Want
I will go where glory meets the crude and weak
I will go where mercy meets the shame
I will go where strength will find the small and meek
I will go where magic meets mundane
And Youre all I want, Youre all I want
Youre all Ill find
You have my heart forever
You are all that I could need
I will go where grace and healing love restores
I will go where peace and rest is known
I will go where friendship finds my heart in yours
I will go where beauty leads me home
throughout our lives, we will constantly be faced with choices. with questions demanding answers. situations demanding action. challenges demanding we overcome, or surrender. and not all choices, not all situations, not all intersecting paths on the roads we walk will have a clear right and wrong. we wont always understand why we’re facing the challenge placed before us. we wont always know exactly what to do. or why we have to do it.
sometimes we’re given choices to allow us an opportunity to bless another, sometimes the intersection allows us to challenge and stretch ourselves, to force us out of our comfort zone. and sometimes we’re given choices that set our course, that make us. that close one chapter of our lives and open another. choices that brings questions, that uncover truth. choices that bring hope. choices that write our stories.
a few weeks ago, i stood in a place i’d never been. followed a road id never seen. looking out into a beauty i’d never known. and it was in that moment that i knew the rest of this year would hold choices. opportunities to climb, or stumble. to become a better person, or to fall. choices to judge and belittle, or to love because we were first loved. and in those choices, in choosing to love, we gain an opportunity to uncover what true love actually means. its in those moments, when we chose to love even though it doesnt make sense, even though we may have been wronged, even when we’re not sure why, that our eyes are opened. we begin to realize how much of what we have is a gift; we begin to see those around us as gifts, we begin to see their value. we begin to understand how much each are worth. we see. we understand. or we at least begin to realize how precious they are.
when we begin to see someones real value, we begin to understand why an all powerful and all knowing being, would chose to love them. when we begin to see them, as He sees them, we begin to see real, pure love.
i’m learning that sometimes the bravest thing we can do, is surrender. to take what we’ve been given, and give it away. to take that understanding, that glimmer of truth, and use it. sometimes the bravest thing we can do is tell someone they matter. that they were created with a purpose, with a plan. and that even if they dont see it, that they were created with intention. that there is nothing about their existence that is accidental.
that they are worthy of love. and lovely.
that they are beautiful.
i want eyes like that. eyes that see those around me not as friends and family, coworkers and fellow commuters, but as created beings birthed from a love that we have not yet begun to understand. i want to see the world as He does. because that world is true, it’s more real than anything else you and i will ever experience on earth. it’s beauty, in its rarest form.
and its how i want to see.
it was in that moment, overlooking this field you see above, that i understood i was looking at beauty. that i was challenged. that i was given a choice. challenged in my role. in being a man. in becoming the man, the person, the son, i want to be. i was challenged with what i see. with how i see the world, and those around me.
The kingdom of heaven is like something precious buried in a field, which a man found and hid again; then in his joy he goes and sells all he has and buys that field.
Matthew 13:44
on the roads we walk throughout our lives, we will constantly be faced with choices. we will be asked to do different things in different situations. to play different roles. to love differently, individually. to love as He would love, if He were to have walked that road. sometimes we will be lead to a field, and if we follow, if we chose to walk where He would have us walk, we uncover a treasure of worth beyond words.
i’m sure we would all hope, that in those moments, the treasure we find would be ours to keep. that we would be the one chosen, the one to run and sell all we have to buy the field, to obtain the treasure. but im learning that there will be times when we’re asked to stand as defenders around the field. to protect the treasure, to keep it safe. to shelter and cherish and value it. to keep it secure and far from harm until the one meant to uncover it, is ready to do so.
standing in that field, seeing that treasure, challenged me. made me realize, again, that i have a choice. and if i want to be the man, the person, the son, the husband and father i want to be, then i’ve got a role to play. along the roads im asked to walk, should i uncover a treasure, should i be the one chosen, then i will be overjoyed, i will run and sell all i own to buy this field, to obtain the treasure.
until that time, i will stand guard over this field. i will tell someone they matter. that they were created with a purpose, with a plan. and that even if they dont see it, that they were created with intention. that there is nothing about their existence that is accidental. that their story is worth protecting. that there is tremendous value in the center of who they are, in the center of the story being told through their life. because the story being told in their life, right now, is worth cherishing, is worth the fervor needed to protect the ending. because they, this field, is worth protecting.
because they are worthy of love. and lovely.
because they are beautiful.
caedmon’s call – ten thousand angels
how long you have traveled in darkness weeping
no rest in language, no words to speak
but there in the wreckage beneath bricks and bindings
love has come, love has come for you
against the night sky of your waiting
your face is like starlight when he walks in
everything worth keeping comes through dying
love has come, love has come for you
so lift up your heart now, to this unfolding
all that has been broken will be restored
here runs deep waters for all who are thirsty
love has come, love has come for you
ten thousand angels will light your pathway
until the day breaks fully in the East
they will surround you and make your way straight
love has come, love has come for you
love has come, love has come for you
why is it that i always run?
it’s my coping mechanism. i keep myself as busy as possible to ignore my own pain. and it took this past week for me to actually realize this. that i’m in pain, that i hurt. that there are things inside of me that hurt in ways i didnt know possible. and to avoid the pain, to stay in front of it, i run. i pack my workday with work, my evenings with more work, and when i’m not working im distracting myself with a book, excercise, tv, music or any number of other ‘medications’. anything, as long as it dulled the pain.
i run.
because i didnt want to feel.
this week, forced me to slow down.
in just a few short hours my final day of vacation ends. and to be honest, i dont know what to do. this past week was a waterfall to a parched land. it was life, breathed into me.
this week reminded me of so much. i saw beauty. pure, untouched beauty placed inside of those who call me friend. i saw friendship, in its most amazing state. i saw love. new love between those recently married. and old love, tried by fire but burning brightly between those closer to being grandparents and great-grandparents than newlyweds.
i said hello to new things, and goodbye to the old.
the flashes of brilliant light no longer offered just a peek into the beauty and future of someone i cared for, but a glimpse into my own life. into the promises that have been on hold. the promises i had given up on. the promises of joy, of color, of friendship and beauty, the promises of redemption and of love.
the promises that, if i’m honest, i thought were gone.
but most of all, i saw beauty.
there were moments when all i wanted to do was watch, see how these amazing people lived their lives. stand in awe of the simple fact that they call me friend. i slowed down. and i was caught unaware, by the beauty that was all around me.
the pain came too. it did. and it will continue to do so. but im going to work through that. i’m going to unpack the garage and find my heart again.
because i now know im not alone.
and beyond all the other blessings this week held, knowing that, knowing that i’m not alone, is worth more to me than anything i’ve ever been given.
beth and aaron, jenna and pete, val, robbie, denis, wendy, jen, april – thank you.
Future of Forestry – Slow Your Breath Down
this chest is full of memories
of gold and silver tears
i’ll give you more to own than all of this
and i’ll give you more than years
for you were once a child of innocence
and i see you just the same
your burdens couldnt win or lose a thing
oh i’d tell you once again
but you’re always on the run
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your heart now, oh
you can trust in love again
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your smile now, oh
you can trust in love again
if you leave, i’ll still be close to you
when all your fears rain down
i’ll take you back a thousand times again
and i’ll take you as my own
i will sing you songs of innocence
till the light of morning comes
till the rays of golden honey cover you
in the sweetness of the dawn
but you’re always on the run
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your heart now oh
you can trust in love again
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your smile now oh
you can trust in love again
you’re not alone
you’re now a part of me
you feel the cure
i feel the toil it brought you
so much can change in 24 hours, and so much can be uncovered. in just a moment, dreams can be fulfilled, passions fueled and our wildest imaginations can become reality. in just a moment, hearts can break. and we can be left picking up the pieces.
and in just a moment, our lives no longer make as much sense as they once did.
sometimes it takes a moment of heartache to shake lose the paint thats has been crumbling, and allow the failing posts to appear from behind their whitewashed exterior.
i wish it didnt take something harsh to rip away the mask. that i’d be more willing to allow it to drop and deal with the issues at hand, find healing….
but i’m not. i much prefer to run around with a hammer, nails and a paint brush and work fervently to keep the crumbling facade in a state of perpetual well-painted disrepair.
i prefer the masks.
because i’m done with the pain. i’m done dealing with it. surviving around it, pretending its not there. my heart is is like the jalopy you’ve had parked in the garage for years, taking up space in hopes that someday in the future you’ll find someone with the knowledge, skills, time and desire to fix what was broken. and although you’ve tried, you cannot remember the last time it worked, the last time it actually ran.
at some point, you decide that its not worth keeping any longer, that its just easier to start with a clean slate. you’ve got some boxes that could be stored in the garage, if only you had the room. you dont see any value in keeping this old car. it doesnt work and its more rust and holes than metal and paint. so you make a phone call, and have the old heap towed to the dump.
at some point, you decide your heart isnt worth keeping any longer. that its just easier not to feel anything. you’ve got something that resembles a life to live, and the pain that takes your breath away, now just gets in the way of going through those oh-so-important motions. so you make the decision, that love, that loving, just isnt worth it. so you banish your heart to the far comers of your existence. you chose to live as robotic as possible. you stuff those boxes in and around the holes in your heart, and in time, you forget its there.
you dont go out to the garage anymore.
and it’s not until a fierce storm knocks down a tree and damages the roof of the garage that you’re forced to open the doors, and you’re reacquainted with your heart. and you realize again how much of a mess everything is. and how broken everything is. and you dont honestly see how something this broken can be made whole.
so you patch up the garage, close the door, and move on with your life. you go through the motions, hoping that the storms of life will bypass your garage and that you wont have to deal with the brokenness that exists inside of your chest.
we can want that, we can hope and pray and pretend that the storms will pass us by. and if we’re lucky, we’ll live a fair portion of our lives storm free. but inevitably, storms come.
and its in those moments, when we’re forced to confront who we are, who we’ve become, the decisions we’ve made and the clutter we’ve hidden, that we take our biggest steps. that our destinies are written, and rewritten.
it’s in those moments that chapters end, and new chapters begin. that we change. that we find the courage we never had, and the beauty that existed inside of us all along.
and its in those moments, that we make the decisions that set the course for the rest of our lives.
we either patch up the garage, and go about the motions, or we leave the doors open, and begin the painful process of unpacking our hearts. of facing the holes, the rust, the stains and the brokenness. of facing the pain and dealing with it….
even if it means we hurt.
we either continue something that resembles living, or we allow ourselves to be deconstructed, in the hope of one day, finding this thing called life. in the hope of finding it abundantly.
Future of Forestry – Sanctitatis
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 