Category Archive

a boy years to know that he is prized…

without this bedrock of affirmation, this core of assurance, a man will move unsteadily through the rest of his life, trying to prove his worth and earn belovedness through performance or achievement, through sex or in a thousand other ways. quite often he doesnt know this is his search. he simply finds himself uncertain in some core place inside, ruled by fears and the opinions of others, yearning for someone to notice him. he longs for comfort, and it makes him uneasy because at thirty-seven or fifty-one shouldnt he be beyond that now? a young place in his heart is yearning for something he never received.
-the way of the wild heart

i dont know where you’re leading me God. and for the first time in a long time, i feel a familiar stirring in my heart. i so want to hope. i so want to know freedom again. i so want to run into all that you have for me.

beyond that, i want to feel safe, in your arms.

i want to know, beyond all doubt, that i can be safe in your arms. that i can run to you. i know intimately what it feels like, to be the prodigal son… and feel so unworthy of the Fathers House… and for so long, ive not allowed you to come to me.

God i never learned how to be a son. i never knew what it meant. i need you to show me…

find me in the river
find me on my knees
ive walked against the water
now im waiting if you please

we’ve longed to see the roses
but never felt the thorns
and bought our pretty crowns
but never paid the price

find me in the river
find me there
find me on my knees with my soul laid bare
even though Youre gone
and im cracked and dry
find me in the river
im waiting here

find me in the river
find me on my knees
ive walked against the water
now im waiting if you please

we didnt count on suffering
we didnt count on pain
but if the blessings in the valley
then in the river i will wait

find me in the river
-delirious

life is calling.

me.

and for the first time in a long time, im beginning to listen.

i dont know what the future holds; or 6 months from now, what it will look like… but i know that change is coming. i can sense it.

my office moved over the weekend. my sisters leave in 2 weeks. and my future seems unsure. no, let me rephrase that. i know my future is sure. it is. im just beginning to open my eyes to what is coming.

—-

i sit here before you, and i am still alive. i am still breathing. 6 years after the world fell apart and i am still here.

ive got so much i want to write, so much i want to share, so much that is pressing on my heart… but for probably the 4th time in as many nights, i just dont have the words.

i will say this much; in my previous post, i talked about finding life. i’m realizing – im not done yet. life isnt through with me, and i sure as heck am not through with life.

yes, there are still doors in my heart that need to be opened. paths of forgiveness, of grace, and of utter brokenness that need to be walked. there is still restoration needed, and there is still a cry for hope.

—–

i wonder if the disciples felt it. i wonder if they heard the distant rumbles, the indiscernible calling of something more… of life. just outside of their grasp, just over the horizon. i wonder if they just knew there was something more. something that they day-in day-out wasn’t fulfilling.i believe they did. i believe they were looking for what was next, and when Life asked them to follow… there was no reason to look back. because they had made their decision long ago. they followed…. and the world changed.

i’m sure there will be challenges. and there will be mistakes. and many more ups and downs than i care to imagine, but its precisely those moments that remind me that i am still alive. it is the frustrations at work, the longer commute, the dirty dishes sitting in the sink… it is the day-in day-out circumstances that remind me that life is meant to be more. that there is still more out there, that life is out there. and i will find it.

because now, i am looking.

you have walked so deep a canyon
deep a canyon now
and in the end you know that you’ve been found
been found

heaven sure fell hard upon you
hard upon you now
and in the end you know that you’ve been found
you’re found

oohhh, you belong now
ohhhh, you are free
so open wide the arms you’re given
you’re too alive to just stand still
open wide the heart as you breath in
you’re too alive to just stay here

you wondered how your searching heart
your searching heart would roam
coming to the place that you call home
you’re home

oohhh, you belong now
ohhhh, you are free
so open wide the arms you’re given
you’re too alive to just stand still
open wide the heart as you breath in
you’re too alive to just stay here

you’re shaken up
awaken
you gotta live
you gotta love

so open wide the arms you’re given
you’re too alive to just stand still
open wide the heart as you breath in
you’re too alive to just stay here

Future of Forestry
‘Open Wide’
twilight

fathers mystify me. they do.

i spent some time with mine today. its not always easy. we have our good days, and we have our not so good days.

ive learned a lot from him. i have. and as much as we have our issues, and as much as we’ll never have a real father/son relationship, i have learned things from him that i value.

ive learned the value of hard work. i cant really credit anyone else with showing me a hard work ethic. i cant say it was done perfectly, but hey… i work my tail off. and im thankful for that.

i also learned the value of a job well done. and of seeing the skill and passion that goes into things most other people either take for granted, or simply miss. ive helped to build houses, run plumbing, build window frames… and sweep the garage, a lot. and when i see something constructed well, even if its nothing more than a barn, i see the passion and sweat that went into it. and im thankful to see that.

……

i wont lie to you. my father and i never had a normal relationship. i can remember hating him when i was a child. i can remember seething when he’d embarrass me in front of my friends.

and somehow i remember that this was supposed to be ‘normal’. that growing up this way was what every other kid was doing. that we were all supposed to hate our fathers, and that embarrassment was normal.

that having a father who returned his Christmas presents because they were ‘too expensive” was what everyone else did in early January. that stories of abuse would surface many years later. that not wanting to grow up and be ‘just like dad’ was what every 12 year old did.

can you believe that i probably was in my mid-20s before i began to realize that maybe, just maybe, not everyone grew up like i did? that not everyone had a dad they couldnt stand? and to be honest, in my early 20s, i hated him. passionately. the only reason i talked with him during that time of my life was because i was afraid of what he’d do if i didnt. either to himself, or to my family. now? i still think that… though not as much.

so where am i going with all this? good question. i will be looking for an apartment sometime late this summer. my office is moving and my commute will probably not be tons of fun. and besides, its time. i need to. and i mentioned this to my dad. his response?

he wanted me to move in with him. into his 1 bedroom apartment. yes, ONE BEDROOM. you see, he’s getting involved in this insurance business. he’s going to need a computer. and he knows nothing about computers. so, for

“3-6 months, i can have you 2-3 nights a week for about an hour. that way, i wont have to call you with computer questions”.

oh… and of course, i can

“take the pressure of rent off of his shoulders”.

…..

i think im still realizing that not everyones father is this way. that not everyone grew up like i did.

if you havent figured it out yet, im not your typical 27 year old. there are parts of me that i dont understand. parts of who a man is supposed to be that escape me.

id love to say that at 27, im ready for marriage. that i feel the foundation i have is strong enough to be a man who can hold a marriage up… who could, someday, have a family. i cant say that.

im still looking for purpose. for the foundation that i so want.

there were so many things i missed. so many instances, moments in time where manhood was supposed to be passed on to me, that never happened. so many ways that i feel like im faking it.

maybe thats it… im faking. because i dont know how to do this the way it was supposed to be done.

…..

i may live the rest of my life with questions unanswered. i may never find the completion, the fullness, the firm foundation im looking for… i may never find the complete meaning to the questions i have…

i would never pray the childhood i had on anyone. but when i look at the damaged parts of my life, the parts that he was supposed to build up, invest in and grow… somehow, i find meaning.

in the pieces, in the pain, there is meaning. there is hope. and i pray that i can bring that hope to others who havent yet found it.

the broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonite
maybe it cant stop tomorrow, from stealing all my time
i am here still waiting, i still have my doubts
i am damaged at best, like you’ve already figured out

im falling apart, im barely breathing
with a broken heart, thats still bleeding
in the pain, there is healing
in your name, i find meaning
so im holding on, im holding on
im holding on, im barely holding on to you

the broken locks were a warning, you got inside my head
i tried my best to be guarded, im an open book instead
i still see your reflection, inside of my eyes
that are looking for purpose, they’re still looking for life

im falling apart, im barely breathing
with a broken heart, thats still bleeding
in the pain, is there healing
in your name, i find meaning
so im holding on, im holding on
im holding on, im barely holding on to you

im haning on, another day
just to see what you will throw my way
and im hangin on, to the words you say
you said that i
will be ok

the broken lights on the freeway, left me here alone
i may have lost my way now, havent forgotten my way home

broken
lifehouse

there are so may ways that my relationship with God has been impacted by my relationship with my father. i cannot deny that, and in all honesty, thats what this entire post is dedicated to. thats what it all boils down to.

we all enter this life helpless, and in tremendous need. the lucky ones have those needs met; physically, emotionally, and spiritually. there are others though, who fend for themselves. who have to find the solutions to the problems they face. solutions that, so many others were given.

they carry the scars, the burdens of what was lost. and in so many ways, they still need rescue.

someOne once said that He’d restore the years that the ‘locust had eaten’. He promised to restore what was lost. and to be honest, i cant see how He can restore this. how he can look at a generation of people just like me, and stand by that promise.

but if He can… then i’ll let Him.

i sit here tonight, not fully knowing exactly what im feeling. or for that matter, exactly what ill end up saying. i sit here tonight, seeking. seeking hope. vision. a dream.

words are echoing inside of my soul. words to a song ive not thought of for some time. words that question. words that bring light. words that drag the questions that were hiding in the corners of my soul into the harsh light of reality.

i sit here tonight, questioning. is the vision lost? or has it been past on? is there any use continuing?

i sit here tonight, and i know ive not yet allowed myself the time to deal. the time to think. ive not slowed enough to realize that life is changing, drastically, soon. and that sooner than i want, decisions will have to be made

in the midst of this, that quiet voice whispered to me. it reminded me of a time when i was passionate.

i want that fire, that vision, that knowing of your dreams to be alive in my life. i want it back. and its not. not yet.

i sit here tonight and im almost trembling because i know that i am feeling disjointed, incomplete, missing a part of me.  i like positing when i know i can draw things to a close, when i can leave you (and myself) with a feeling of hope.  with a direction, with a reminder that there is a reason to keep going.

there is.  there is a reason to keep going.  but i cannot end there.  not tonight.  because tonight, i am incomplete.  this, is incomplete.  my life, right now, is incomplete.

so im going to leave you, with this song.

his faithfulness, my hope
it brings comfort to my soul
with a still small voice whispering,
“call upon my name and i
will set you up on high
be still and know that i am God

we all have regrets, things we wish we’d never ever done. things that haunt us in our dreams. things that interrupt our dreams… things that scream that we’re destined to fail. destined to let others down. destined to destruction.

we all have things in our past that we wish we could forget. things, choices we made, actions, words we wish would disappear. would fall off the planet and never again be remembered.

we all have a past. some of us have been able to shut it in a closet. and forget its there. others of us are still haunted by decision made long ago.

we’ve all built castles in the sand. and we, in our own way, have watched them crumble as the surf rolled in. we’ve all faced personal disasters. and ive come to the conclusion that the person hardest on us, is us.

you see, i believe in a God. i believe in a God who promised to remove our sins from us as far as the east is from the west. a God who promised to throw our sins into the vastness of the sea of forgetfulness. i believe in a God whos dream it is to restore us (humanity) to the position we lost thousands of years ago. i believe in a God who offers forgiveness, who sent His Son to pay for our sins. and to allow us a chance at abundant life.

i believe all those things… and yet i still replay my own failures. my own mistakes. i still focus on the diseased part of who i am, instead of the immense God who is waiting for me to step back, so He can step in.

i believe all those things… and yet i still fear. i still fear people finding out who the real me is, or was. i fear not being good enough. i fear not being forgiven.

i believe all those things, and yet… i fear.

i fear missing Gods will. not being good enough for His plans for me. i fear being unworthy of the dreams i carry deep within myself.

there is something to be said about being content with where you are at. with being thankful for what you have, and what youve been given. and there is tremendous truth in that. there is. and im a firm believer in working towards contentedness.

but there is something more.

i fear, but i know. i know there is more to life. i hear it echo off the walls in my heart. i hear it when im alone. i hear the cry in the wind. i hear it in the aching of this generation. there is something deeper. there is a prize worth fighting for. there is life out there, beyond what ive known. there is life.

there is hope. and there is forgiveness.

there is swimming in the sea… and finding your memories being lost in its depths. there is walking in the valley, and finding your life renewed by the presence of the One who will never leave.

there is forgiveness. and forgiving of ones self.

there is life.

there are symphonies still to be heard. symphonies contained within the whole of our beings, within our souls. there symphonies we are destined to play in. to write. to hear.

there is destiny. and there is life.

i give You my apathy
im giving You all of me
i want Your symphony
singing in all that i am
at the top of my lungs
im giving it back

and i lay my head back down
and i lift my hands and pray
to be only Yours
and pray to be only Yours
i know now
You’re my only hope