FindingTheCourageToDream.com

connections

May 19, 2002 in Buffy, Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

it is strange. very very strange. the human heart that is. and the things it attaches itself to.i just finnished a conversation with a good friend of mine. we were discussing my interesting and rather odd connection to a tv show character. ive only seen the show a few times. and heck, id probably hear no end to the mocking of this. but who gives a crap. ive got no time to pay attention to mindless mocking. anyway…

the tv character? buffy – from buffy the vampire slayer.

odd… i know. and i dont understand why my heart breaks everytime i watch the show. i dont. but it does.

buffy… she is chosen to live in a world where she can be close to no one. where she looks and acts like a normal person, but because of forces beyond her control – shes forced to live as one destined to be different. one who… one who knows she has a tremendous destiny yet… she is one who walks it…. alone.

she doesnt understand why she is the way she is. she doesnt understand why she cares so much… or why it hurts so much. she doesnt understand why the one person she ever truly loved in her life was ripped from her grasp. she doesnt understand why she has to walk this road. and she doesnt understand why she has to face the demons she has to. she doesnt know…. and it tears her apart.

her destiny is unlike anyone else she knows. and she understands that much. she lives constantly knowing that at any moment her life could change instantly. knowing that those closest to her could be ripped away. she knows this because it is her reality. its the “cross” she has to bear. its the life shes been chosen to live.

strange huh? i gleaned this much off of a tv character ? maybe its not strange. maybe its because… in this world of instant everything. of the desire to be beautiful and ‘fit in’. of the overwhelming push from the media to be ‘popular’…. maybe in this world – buffy stands for those who know they will never “fit in”. she stands for those who live in such a way that – what you see is what you get. she has no more preconceived notions of who she is… or of whom she is supposed to be. or of her role in this life. she knows she will never be normal. any dreams she may have had have long since died. she knows she cant put anything before the road she has to walk. she has no strength to do anything but keep going. and in her heart of hearts – all she wants… all that keeps her awake at nite…. the only reason she keeps going… is that one perfect person… who she hopes… and prays… that she finds one day. in her heart of hearts… she longs to be loved and accepted solely for who she is.

maybe its so close to who i am its scary.

i dont know why im here. i dont know why ive been chosen to carry this specific cross. and ive no more dreams. ive the strength to put one more foot down. thats all. after that, hopefully another foot. but this is it. this is me. what you see – what you read – is what you get. ive no preconceived notions of who i am. no grandoise ideas of my role in this life. i have a destiny and its unlike any other. this is the road im destined to walk. this is the life i think im living. this is my gift… and my curse.

this – is me.

thank you

May 16, 2002 in Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

like returning home to a meal that doesnt come from a box…. or meeting that long-lost friend in the mall one day…
or the many other ways that you realize your special…

ok… new thought proccess
new matrix trailer
gasp
http://www.thematrix.com

the edge

May 7, 2002 in Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

i guess i find myself standing at the edge. and honestly, i dont know if it is THE edge… if its AN edge or even if im supposed to be standing next to it. ive lived the last 8 months of my life under constant stress. and all of a sudden – some of the weight is gone and the sun is actually begining to shine. and i honestly dont know what to do now. im almost expecting my world to come crashing down around me all over again.im cautious to the point of fear at being optimistic. i dunno. i guess im just not used to this. not used to having life be pseudo-normal.

i dont have much for you tonite. i guess im just learning that this life i think im living is a definite rollercoaster ride. right now? i cant see anything. i dont know where im going. and i dont know what to do.

for months my life revolved around simple survival. and now its slowly changing. the fight to survive is still there – but ive got to start dealing. and learning. and loving. and honestly… hopefully… trusting.

ok. i could go on. but i should sleep.

goodnite

i dont want to anymore

May 6, 2002 in Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

my quote for the nite. an all encompassing statement.

im exhausted. mentally, physically and emotionaly and i just want a break.

i sent out an email just moments ago requesting to have monday nites free from the ministry i volunteer for at my church.
i also am trying to figure out how to get out of DJing a friends wedding.
i just dont want to.
i quit. i have had enough and something has to give. i need the break and i need it now.

ive got absolutely nothing more to give. i am drained on all levels possible. and this just cant continue…

now what? ive got no clue. but im callin it quits… for the time being anyway.

for right now – the unneccesary in this life i think im living is on hold.

trust pt 2…

May 5, 2002 in Friends, Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

it is the foundation for every friendship.
all buisness deals are merged with its truths.
there is no love without it.
its a simple word with incredible weight.

trust.

i realized something after goin to see spiderman ( THE MOVIE YOU MUST GO SEE). i got talkin to my movie goin friend val about it.

i realized this literally as i was saying it – that a certain someone whom val and i both hold in high regard has given to me a gift that i know i cant understand the depth of. the gift? its a simple thing with incredible weight. trust.

our friends at webster describe trust as: 1 a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed.

am i terrified? heck yeah. outta my mind. but its a good thing. because i know this to be true – i am a poor excuse of a human being and -in and of myself- am utterly incapable of ever fulfilling the requirements of such a gift. i know i dont understand how precious this is and i can not act in a way that could covey how much it is to be cherrished. but i know the One who can.

my job? its simple really. to live a life that cultivates a heart that can trust – and be trusted. to live a life so honest, so open to the One deserving of my trust – that i am changed into His image. then… and only then… will i be truly one to be trusted.

i am humbled and honored. scared and terrifed. and in some really weird way – ready for the beggining of the ride of this life i think im living;-)

to all those out there who trust me and whom have placed with me a part of who they are – i love you all:-)

trust

May 5, 2002 in Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

i just deleted my entire blog on this simple thing we call trust. it was a good one. i liked it. round two will come tomorrow.

nite for now

something more…

May 2, 2002 in Life, The Soundtrack | by Peej | 1 comment

from what i can see, this entire life revolves around one thing.
one thing – with one main characteristic. but many names.

loss… death… destruction…

all we try and strive to obtain. all we hope and long to have. all this world revers and wars to own. all we hold dear. its nothing. we gain it all. we work. we strive. we yearn for things that will ultimately leave us. nothing we strive for on this planet can ever be fulfilling enough to make us feel complete.

we watch tv to escape our reality. but the big thing right now is reality tv. if i wanted to watch the broken hearts of people who’ve lost a friend. a loved one… i dont need to tune in to ER. i just need to look up. look at my buddy list.

ive such a desire to just blog my heart out here. to end up spilling the last 7 months to this little box on my desk thats become one of my bestest friends. i want to release it all. to know what it feels like to be alive again. to love. to feel. to hope. to yearn. to strive for something beyond what i see.

this is it. this –right here– encompasses what ive been feeling the past few months.
im sick of it.
im sick of living… for myself.

i want be a sanctuary
pure and holy
tried and true

i want to live for something more.

all i once held dear – built my life upon
all this world revers and wars to own
all i once thought gain i have counted loss
spent and worthless now compared to this.

all the wasted years
all the many tears ive cried
trying to fill my life
tryin to bring some peace to my mind

never really knowing it was you i was longing for
till you opened my heart
and i tasted of you
now all i want is more….

its the cry of this generation
for we’re tired of the religions of man
now we are consumed
by a desire to be close to you

and the passions of this world
have nothing we’re looking for
blessed is the generation whos God is the Lord
are hearts are completely yours

ive said many times that this life i think im living isnt mine. from now on, i dont want to live it for me anymore.

– nite

here we go again…

April 30, 2002 in Life, The Soundtrack | by Peej | Leave a comment

im not sure if this comes across as me being greedy… but here goes

after the hell of the past 7 months, things are finally begining to calm down here in NY.
all the external crap that ive been facing is slowly ebbing away (for now anyway). and now that this pile of crap is shrinking – im left to confront all the crap that isnt so external. its internal.

have i changed for the better because of the past 7 months? is my relationship with an all powerful all loving God any stronger? wait… wait wait. the question – do i CARE if ive changed for the better and do i CARE if my relationship with an all powerful and all loving God is any stronger? do i?

whats scary? that i have to ask myself that question.

in all honesty, i want to shout and scream and draw my line in the sand and tell God He’s taken enough. that this is my life and that im sick of the sh*t and hell ive faced. i dont want any more of it. i want an end. and it seems like as soon as the external things calm down, the internal things begin to unsettle themselves. its like it isnt enough for my life to fall apart externally, ive got to deal with the hellish person ive become also.

and quite frankly – i dont want too.

yeah – greedy. i know.

i didnt ask to live this life. and i wasnt asked if i wanted to. its the life i think im living. and the only logical conclusion is that this life isnt “mine” to live. i didnt create myself and its obvious i have no control over the things that matter. i have responsibility, yes. but thats about it.

im just gonna be real. i dont have any sort of inspirational quote to end tonite. just a simple. ‘here we go again’.

im harder than this – this world aint got what it takes. ill make it through.

ok, so maybe a little inspiration.

“the question at hand – help me understand – is this Your plan?
i think i can – can i think?- then i think i can.

because i wont break (nah) and i wont shake (nah) with lifted hands to this man (Jah) we stand in faith.
ill make it through with my trust in You.
close my eyes – make a wish – kiss the sky cuz now i see You.“

had to blog it. just had to

April 30, 2002 in The Soundtrack | by Peej | Leave a comment

if you dont read Relevant Magazine you should be dragged outside and force fed baby food:-)

read this –

Last week’s Gospel Music Association Dove Awards weren’t attended, once again, by P.O.D., even though the group was nominated in multiple categories. The reason? They just don’t see themselves as a Christian band, no matter how much the industry wants them to be one. “It’s like the same people that banned us,” lead singer Sonny Sandoval told The Tennessean, “now they’re in their little office and they’re like, ‘Our goal is to help them break into the mainstream.’ No, it’s not. Let’s be honest with ourselves, that’s not your heart’s intention. You’re just selling records. Whatever link you have to this, it looks good on your plate.” Sonny continued: ”For us, it’s like, there are a lot bands out there that have the same background as us, but they’re not pigeonholed the same as us. Look at someone like Lauryn Hill. She’ll get up there and she’ll tell you what she believes in or what her faith is about. Look at what she accomplished, and you don’t see her doing the GMAs … We’re not trying to be a part of this little, it’s almost like a secret society-type thing. It’s, like, thank you for anything you might have done in the past. Thank you for your support. No disrespect, but we’re going to go on and do what we want to do” …

amen and amen
more later

announcements

April 29, 2002 in Life | by Peej | Leave a comment

as a small post script to my recent blog.

the anouncement was more of a small formality. thats all. no fanfare. no major sigh of relief.

it was something i had to do. so it was done. the “papers havent been filed” yet. so everything isnt formal yet, legally anyway.

but i basically got sick of waiting for anything “formal” from TX. so yeah. when you go to a church of 3000 members and youve been there 22 years. a conservative estimate is that 400 people know you. 400 people with questions about the family. well… honestly, screw waiting on the family to deal with anouncing anything. its public now.

moving on.

tonites simple lil thought.

i realized that in a lot of ways, ive changed in these past 8 months. and ya know what? i dont like some of whom ive become.

so my simple thought?

i wanna change.

g-nite