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i’ve been reading through the old testament for the past few weeks. and something struck me. stories. the entire old testament is made up of stories. stories of mankind’s attempts, and failures. stories of desperation, of loss, of survival. stories that always, always had an undercurrent.
hope.
david, moses, joseph, miriam, joshua… the list goes on. hope.
God is in love with stories. with communicating to us the value of living your life. of not giving up. of being sold out. of never looking back. of singing your song, dancing your dance, writing your book… stories of living your life.
imagine if david simply gave up and ran when the bear charged him. the book of psalms would never have been written. or what would have happened if joseph would have quit when he was sold as a slave? where would the nation of Israel be?
hope. hope in times of desperation.
when it comes to My people, stories of survival, stories of victory, stories of deliverance are the fuel that keeps them going. this is the answer, when they question their own ability to take the next step. these stories are the answer..
with My people, there will always be stories. stories that bring hope. stories that bring vision. stories that open our eyes to what is possible, and help us see beyond the world that simply is.
with My people, hardships will always exist, tears will fall. brokenness will always have a place… but victory will follow. joy will come.
stories will be the air they breathe. so record your story. record your hope. share your hope.
share hope.
with My people, there will always be stories. but beyond that, when the stories fade… there will always be hope.
choose to keep walking. choose to keep fighting. choose to be who you were destined to be.
because you need to live out your story. you need to see the hope in store. you need to see the final chapter in the book of you.
so live your life. write your book. because someone is dying to read it.
thats the only thought in my head this evening. and its a fitting thought to end today. because it describes the past few weeks.
i could go into details. i could tell you about how i watched 60 people i considered close friends lose their jobs. how i started my new job. how i saw my sister for the first time in 11 months. and how i said goodbye to her. how i found out two very close friends of mine had been raped.
but i wont. the above? just the titles. no descriptions. no details. just a glimpse into the past few weeks.
some of this has me wondering, crying out… why?
why? that question may never go away. a lot of what has happend will never find its way into the will of any God who calls Himself love. it cannot. for those were acts not commited in any form of love.
part of me wants answers. part of me wants to scream and shout and demand someone pays.
but another part of me, the majority of me. wants to see hope birthed. hope birthed in my friends lives. in their dreams. in their passions and in their love.
i want to see new life, new hope breathed into their very beings.
i want to see healing and freedom and victory over what has happened.
this, this is my hearts cry. freedom. healing. hope. its why i started http://findhope.wordpress.com. and its why i want you to check it out. send your stories. send your words of encouragement, your cries for help, or your stories of hope.
just reach out. because… because there are people out there. who want to help you. who want to offer you hope. and who want to walk though this with you.
blessed be Your name
on the road marked with suffering
though there is pain in the offering
blessed be Your name
every blessing you pour out
Ill turn back to praise
when the darkness closes in Lord
still I will say
blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your glorious name
you give and take away
You give and take away
my heart will chose to say
Lord, blessed be your name
i wrote the following back on 11/20. i include it here because it is a snippet of who i am. and of who i am becoming. because it is about parts of my heart ive neglected for far too long… that are slowly awakening…
–
i read your blog today; and i realized then why you’d seemed so busy. you’ve found someone. and to be honest, i was jealous. not just that you’ve got a someone in your life… but because it was you. am i saying that i wish it were me? in a way… yeah. i am.
why? and more importantly, why didnt i say anything earlier? because you’re special. you’re an amazing woman and you deserve a man who knows exactly who he is, and what he wants… and most importantly, knows that youre exactly the one for him.
and im none of those things. one day, for one girl, i will be. buti knew, that for this period of time, my own feelings aside, i needed to step back and simply pray you’d find that man.
and now i pray you have.
i do pray you’ve found him. and, please, forgive my bit of jealousy. you’re an amazing girl. and there isnt anything more i want than for you to be happy. for you to find that guy, that one. and i hope you have:) i do.
–
there are times we need outside influences, outside circumstances to shake us awake. to bring us to the place where we realize something about ourselves, about our hearts. sometimes those moments bring utter wonder, as we realize how much we’ve changed, and grown. sometimes they bring a hush, and cause us to to listen to parts of who we are. parts that went silent a long time before. and sometimes they bring shock and revulsion, as we learn how quickly we can fall.
even with the lack of people in my life in texas, im learning my need for friendship. for leadership. for a dream. for a vision to follow. and for leaders who will push us towards that dream.
i pulled our college/career pastor (randy) aside sunday. id been to the 20something group at our church a few times already. and honestly, i wasnt captured.
i asked randy if we could get together sometime soon. i want to know what his passion is. what puts breath in his lungs. what gets him up in the morning. i want to know his passion for this group, for this generation. because im looking for something, a vision; and someone, a leader to get behind and push.
why? because part of me knows that the next few weeks/months may lead to many changes. someone once said, the hardest thing to do is sometimes the right thing to do. so when the changes come, i hope i welcome them with open arms.
this lifes not like you wanted it
his eyes, i can see again
i need you here
in your mind, nobodys listening
its your right, not to feel again
just breath again
feels like, your world is caving in
and i cry, failing to understand
i wish i can
its all right, if your missing him
in his eyes, you can live again
free within
time after time
i walk the fine line
something keeps brining me back
time after time
im going in blind
i dont know which way i need to go
time after time
i cant see the signs
do all these roads bring me back to you?
-POD
Going in Blind
you give me hope. you do. and i dont even think you realize it.
the above sentence could be written to any number of people in my life. and to that, a goal is forming in my heart; to publicly thank these precious people for the times, the ways in which they imparted hope into my soul. because most of the time, they didn’t even know they were doing it.
tonight however, this post is for you beth b.
you bring me hope. you do.
you’ve walked through the fire of relationships that didnt end in happily ever after and yet you chose to continue to trust, and to look for love.
you work your tail off at a job most people wouldn’t be able to handle, and now, you’re taking on even more. and yet still, you find time for those most important to you. you find time for love.
i know i cannot understand all of the ways in which someones heart has been broken, but i can say i know enough to understand that the past few years havent been easy on you. yet you still, you still let love in.
you give me hope. and you give me strength.
you chose to follow the One. when He asked for your heart, you gave it. and you’re all the better for it.
i know ive been on the sidelines for so much of the life your living… but if im constrained to the sidelines, it only means im supposed to cheer you on.
because the life your leading beth, is worth cheering for.
you’re not perfect, no one is. but you have an amazing person in your life. a person who loves you more than anything. and you love him just the same. you stand at the beginning of the most amazing voyage of your life and im so happy for you… because you’re doing it right.
you’re sticking to what you believe. and youre finding your happily ever after.
thank you.
because i question if happily ever after is really worth fighting for.
you answer that question, simply by the way you live. you give me hope.
things need to change.
they need to change in my life. and they need to change in my generation. i know im not the only one. the only one crying out for hope. the only one putting on a brave face. the only one working the 8-5 and just hoping that, well, hope will come if we just work harder. that if we just get that bonus, or this promotion, we’ll finally be happy.
i cannot be the only one unhappy. unfulfilled. wondering. wounded and searching.
i cant be.
because i believe that in each of us, exists a need for hope. a need to believe in something more. a need, a desire, an emptiness that makes itself known when hope is missing.
we were made to hope.
ive been pondering for months now starting another blog. everyone is familiar with postsecret. you can check them out here. they serve a tremendous need. the need for people to get secrets off their chest. i love that website. i love that idea.
i need a place like that. a place i can go where i can be real. real with my struggles, real with my weaknesses and my scars. and i find healing. i find that im not alone.
i find hope.
a website that would allow anyone to post. anyone who had found hope. or anyone who was still searching.
requests for prayer, cries for help… or whispers of there is hope. keep going. there is hope.
whispers of hope.
i dont really know where im headed tonight other than to offer you a taste of whats been on my heart. of what im longing for.
hope. its been my theme recently. finding it. defining it. defining what it means to me; and what it is and should be, to me.
is it weird that i find more hope from modern media than from modern christianity? is it weird that what speaks to me, that what gives me hope isn’t the 10:30am sermons every sunday? its not the orchestral music or the 3 points to (insert your favorite christian topic here) message.
its realness. realness gives me hope. its seeing people who are chosen. who stumble, who fall, who are unsure and weak and scared and, a lot of the time, lost… but they know. they have a purpose. they’ve been given a mission and like it or not, its theres to complete.
its a realness that allows me, even if for a time, to feel normal. to feel like i fit in somewhere. because for so long, ive not felt that.
im learning more the simple fact that hope is not a pretty thing. its not flowers and sunshine, birds and rainbows. hope isn’t pretty. its stubborn, torn, bloodied and at times gruesome…. its the drive that keeps us going when everything else is lost. its the internal reminder of a bigger picture. of the calling on our lives.
they give me hope. that maybe, in the midst of the chaos of life, and more so, the chaos of the heart, there is still a mission to be carried out. there are still battles to fight, and win. there is still a calling. there can still be passion.the world can still be changed. and there can still be love.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: But it ain’t all buttons and charts, little albatross. You know what the first rule of flying is? Well I suppose you do, since you already know what I’m about to say.
River Tam: I do. But I like to hear you say it.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Love. You can know all the math in the ‘verse, but take a boat in the air you don’t love, and she’ll shake you off just as sure as the turning of worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down, tells ya she’s hurting before she keels. Makes her home.
River Tam: Storm’s getting worse.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: We’ll pass through it soon enough.
Serenity
i owe an apology. ive been hiding behind something over the past few months. i became so concerned with wowing you with my posts that i lost the rawness that made this blog what it once was.
i promised myself, almost 5 years ago, that this blog would be a reflection of who i am. imperfect, improper, sometimes hard to understand but in that, a reflection of who i am. maybe even a reflection of who we all are.
i want that back.
i think im looking for a fight. i am. i think ive finally begun to realize that even with all the drama, with all the heartache and pain and fear that came with the past…. there are things about it that i miss.
i had a mission. i had a battle to fight. even -if for a time- i was simply fighting for my life. i was still fighting. i had a goal. a vision. it was blurred, and charred, and it was never very clear, but i had vision. and passion.
Christmas is coming. like it or not, its less than 2 months away. walmart has been selling decorations and trees for weeks. i saw my first christmas themed commercial a few days ago. ive already heard carols… its coming. and i pray that with it, new vision comes too.
for once upon a holy night, 2000 years ago. shepherds saw their calling. wise men took heed of the signs, men heard “follow me”, and they left it all and followed.
these were real people. people with issues, and challenges, and personal demons they fought… but they were the chosen. they were given this message to carry to the world. and the world was never the same.
so as we, as i, approach this holiday season, i pray that you will find me standing in awe of the beauty that is around me. i pray for renewed vision. for renewed passion. for renewed joy. i pray for, hope.
i pray to leave all behind, follow Him… and be chosen.
its weird how things just work out sometimes. how we can watch a tv show that really speaks to us, that opens our eyes and shows us something inside of us, something that we can relate to – and then moments later we find ourselves sharing some of that with someone in need.
i spent about 6 months of 2003 seeing a counselor. i did. not many people know about it… but i did.
and im sitting here realizing that i wish i had capitalized on that.
i wish i had told her how afraid of failure i was, then. so that id be less afraid of failure, now.
i wish i had told her how much losing my family hurt, then. so that id be further along in dealing with it, and healing, now. so i wouldnt be so afraid of losing them again.
i wish i had told her how suicidal i was. i guess i thought that if i just lived through it, id be healed from the process of simply making it to the other side… from surviving. it still scares me. that i, at one time, considered that a viable option. an option better than this life.
it scares me because i know ive not lived this life as fully as i want to. ive not fought as hard, loved as deeply, or trusted as much as i did at one time. and as hard, as deep and as much as i want to now.
im learning that life is more about the choices we make, than the results of those choices.
life is found inside of the choices. we may make what could be the best choice in the world, and have it work out horribly, but its not the results that truly matter… its the choices we made before, and the choices we make after… that set our course.
that create in us the beauty that we long to see.
the beauty i long to see.
i want to see beauty everywhere i look. i do. and maybe that sounds stupid, or the dreams of a naive man. but its the truth.
i want to see beauty in the nice things, but more-so, i want to see the beauty in the ugly things.
in anger. hurt. hate. dissatisfaction. and disappointment.
because im learning that those times we feel anger, or hurt, or hateful, or lost, or scared or unsure… those are the times when we are most real. we are most vulnerable. we are more our true selves in those moments than in almost any other moment in life.
and i want to, i need to learn to see the beauty in those moments.
i need to learn how to live those things, how to be angry, hurt, confused, damaged… and feel ‘ok’ about feeling that way.
growing up, i was never allowed to communicate those things. i was always made to feel that if i was angry, it was my fault and it was a bad thing. and you’d think that in 26 years of existence, i’d have learned by now that i can be angry, and that its ok.
ive not. ive not learned that yet.
which is why i want to see the beauty in those moments. in myself. and in others. i want to be the type of person you can come to when your hurt, or angry, or spiteful, or broken… and ill see the beauty in you. and i will love you.
i may not have that ability yet. to see inside the real me, much less the real anyone else.
but i want it. desperately.
because in the brokenness, in the anger, in the hatred, i see the real you.
in the brokenness, in the anger, in the hatred, you see the real me.
and the real you is breathtaking.
and i hope and pray that someone finds the real me, just as beautiful.
“…and i look at you. and i want to tear your eyes out just for looking at me. i just want to hurt someone and it might as well be you.”
-starbuck
truer words may never have been spoken. if they were breathed from a heart that truly felt that. a broken heart. a heart that is bleeding, and wounded, and may be barely beating. but it still somehow holding on.
somewhere over the past few weeks, ive stopped feeling. ive gone from living life, to slipping into neutral and just coasting. ive traded my emotions for a painted on smile; and hopes made of dust.
and even with all thats gone on in my life the past few weeks, i cant even post. this is literally my fifth or sixth attempt.
i want to know that this isnt it. i want to know that there is more. i want a big giant reminder that life is going to continue. that there is more to what is in store for me than just this. i want to know that there is a reason to hope… because somehow, ive stopped hoping.
i want to know there is more. i want to be reminded of a destiny.
i want to know that im far from over. that there is a hope to be had. that dreams are still worth dreaming. and life is meant to be lived fully.
and even if it means confronting these areas in my heart where there is nothing but hurt. where im still lost, and crying and…. these areas that still ache, then so be it.
because i cannot live life, as it was meant to be lived… not feeling.
there are times in our life when we must let out a cry. a cry that resonates from within us, but at times, is so drowned out by the noise and numbness of the everyday that we lose it. that we forget it is there.
we forget that this life is meant to be lived fully. that people are worth loving. and there are eyes that see through our tears, our fears and the years we wasted and still love us.
we forget that there is a thing called destiny. that dreams were meant to be chased. and that love is worth the cost.
we forget that life…. is just that. it is life.
we lose sight of this cry. of this passion that is birthed in each of us to reach out, take a hold of whatever strands of cord life throws at us and stubbornly refuses to let go. we lose sight of the determination to make new friends, experience new things…
and maybe, if were lucky… find this thing called love.
dont give up on me yet
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
this day
all i want is You
there is no one else
who can take Your place
ive seen it all
and its never enough
it keeps leaving me needing You
take me away
take me away
ive got nothing left to say
just take me away
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 