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its in living those stories out, that we find out what is in our hearts. its in those moments of pressure, of stress, of pain that just wont end; that we truly see the holes in our heart. and what we’ve filled them with. and how quickly we want the circumstances to change.
we dont want the process of change. we dont want the uncovering, the exposing, the embarassment from having our hearts shown for what they truly are.
me? its anger. and its beginning to impact me physically. and it sucks.
and right now, i want to simply be healed. im not looking for the long term cure. i want the instant fix.
i dont want to peek into the areas of my heart that ive brushed under the carpet… that ive kept hidden. that ive hoped would one day just go away. i dont want to go where ive not been in a long while. i want to avoid those areas, take a pill and move on.
but i cannot.
not if i want to live fully. not if i want to continue to hope.
sometimes it takes a thorn in our sides, to get us to drop to our knees and simply say we were wrong. to accept the wrong-ness. to expose it, and to, hopefully, find what was supposed to occupy that part of our hearts in the first place.
life. full on, no holds barred, im all in, life.
whatever it takes. right?
right.
i’ve been reading through the old testament for the past few weeks. and something struck me. stories. the entire old testament is made up of stories. stories of mankind’s attempts, and failures. stories of desperation, of loss, of survival. stories that always, always had an undercurrent.
hope.
david, moses, joseph, miriam, joshua… the list goes on. hope.
God is in love with stories. with communicating to us the value of living your life. of not giving up. of being sold out. of never looking back. of singing your song, dancing your dance, writing your book… stories of living your life.
imagine if david simply gave up and ran when the bear charged him. the book of psalms would never have been written. or what would have happened if joseph would have quit when he was sold as a slave? where would the nation of Israel be?
hope. hope in times of desperation.
when it comes to My people, stories of survival, stories of victory, stories of deliverance are the fuel that keeps them going. this is the answer, when they question their own ability to take the next step. these stories are the answer..
with My people, there will always be stories. stories that bring hope. stories that bring vision. stories that open our eyes to what is possible, and help us see beyond the world that simply is.
with My people, hardships will always exist, tears will fall. brokenness will always have a place… but victory will follow. joy will come.
stories will be the air they breathe. so record your story. record your hope. share your hope.
share hope.
with My people, there will always be stories. but beyond that, when the stories fade… there will always be hope.
choose to keep walking. choose to keep fighting. choose to be who you were destined to be.
because you need to live out your story. you need to see the hope in store. you need to see the final chapter in the book of you.
so live your life. write your book. because someone is dying to read it.
thats the only thought in my head this evening. and its a fitting thought to end today. because it describes the past few weeks.
i could go into details. i could tell you about how i watched 60 people i considered close friends lose their jobs. how i started my new job. how i saw my sister for the first time in 11 months. and how i said goodbye to her. how i found out two very close friends of mine had been raped.
but i wont. the above? just the titles. no descriptions. no details. just a glimpse into the past few weeks.
some of this has me wondering, crying out… why?
why? that question may never go away. a lot of what has happend will never find its way into the will of any God who calls Himself love. it cannot. for those were acts not commited in any form of love.
part of me wants answers. part of me wants to scream and shout and demand someone pays.
but another part of me, the majority of me. wants to see hope birthed. hope birthed in my friends lives. in their dreams. in their passions and in their love.
i want to see new life, new hope breathed into their very beings.
i want to see healing and freedom and victory over what has happened.
this, this is my hearts cry. freedom. healing. hope. its why i started http://findhope.wordpress.com. and its why i want you to check it out. send your stories. send your words of encouragement, your cries for help, or your stories of hope.
just reach out. because… because there are people out there. who want to help you. who want to offer you hope. and who want to walk though this with you.
blessed be Your name
on the road marked with suffering
though there is pain in the offering
blessed be Your name
every blessing you pour out
Ill turn back to praise
when the darkness closes in Lord
still I will say
blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your glorious name
you give and take away
You give and take away
my heart will chose to say
Lord, blessed be your name
i wrote the following back on 11/20. i include it here because it is a snippet of who i am. and of who i am becoming. because it is about parts of my heart ive neglected for far too long… that are slowly awakening…
–
i read your blog today; and i realized then why you’d seemed so busy. you’ve found someone. and to be honest, i was jealous. not just that you’ve got a someone in your life… but because it was you. am i saying that i wish it were me? in a way… yeah. i am.
why? and more importantly, why didnt i say anything earlier? because you’re special. you’re an amazing woman and you deserve a man who knows exactly who he is, and what he wants… and most importantly, knows that youre exactly the one for him.
and im none of those things. one day, for one girl, i will be. buti knew, that for this period of time, my own feelings aside, i needed to step back and simply pray you’d find that man.
and now i pray you have.
i do pray you’ve found him. and, please, forgive my bit of jealousy. you’re an amazing girl. and there isnt anything more i want than for you to be happy. for you to find that guy, that one. and i hope you have:) i do.
–
there are times we need outside influences, outside circumstances to shake us awake. to bring us to the place where we realize something about ourselves, about our hearts. sometimes those moments bring utter wonder, as we realize how much we’ve changed, and grown. sometimes they bring a hush, and cause us to to listen to parts of who we are. parts that went silent a long time before. and sometimes they bring shock and revulsion, as we learn how quickly we can fall.
even with the lack of people in my life in texas, im learning my need for friendship. for leadership. for a dream. for a vision to follow. and for leaders who will push us towards that dream.
i pulled our college/career pastor (randy) aside sunday. id been to the 20something group at our church a few times already. and honestly, i wasnt captured.
i asked randy if we could get together sometime soon. i want to know what his passion is. what puts breath in his lungs. what gets him up in the morning. i want to know his passion for this group, for this generation. because im looking for something, a vision; and someone, a leader to get behind and push.
why? because part of me knows that the next few weeks/months may lead to many changes. someone once said, the hardest thing to do is sometimes the right thing to do. so when the changes come, i hope i welcome them with open arms.
this lifes not like you wanted it
his eyes, i can see again
i need you here
in your mind, nobodys listening
its your right, not to feel again
just breath again
feels like, your world is caving in
and i cry, failing to understand
i wish i can
its all right, if your missing him
in his eyes, you can live again
free within
time after time
i walk the fine line
something keeps brining me back
time after time
im going in blind
i dont know which way i need to go
time after time
i cant see the signs
do all these roads bring me back to you?
-POD
Going in Blind
you give me hope. you do. and i dont even think you realize it.
the above sentence could be written to any number of people in my life. and to that, a goal is forming in my heart; to publicly thank these precious people for the times, the ways in which they imparted hope into my soul. because most of the time, they didn’t even know they were doing it.
tonight however, this post is for you beth b.
you bring me hope. you do.
you’ve walked through the fire of relationships that didnt end in happily ever after and yet you chose to continue to trust, and to look for love.
you work your tail off at a job most people wouldn’t be able to handle, and now, you’re taking on even more. and yet still, you find time for those most important to you. you find time for love.
i know i cannot understand all of the ways in which someones heart has been broken, but i can say i know enough to understand that the past few years havent been easy on you. yet you still, you still let love in.
you give me hope. and you give me strength.
you chose to follow the One. when He asked for your heart, you gave it. and you’re all the better for it.
i know ive been on the sidelines for so much of the life your living… but if im constrained to the sidelines, it only means im supposed to cheer you on.
because the life your leading beth, is worth cheering for.
you’re not perfect, no one is. but you have an amazing person in your life. a person who loves you more than anything. and you love him just the same. you stand at the beginning of the most amazing voyage of your life and im so happy for you… because you’re doing it right.
you’re sticking to what you believe. and youre finding your happily ever after.
thank you.
because i question if happily ever after is really worth fighting for.
you answer that question, simply by the way you live. you give me hope.
i dont really know where im headed tonight other than to offer you a taste of whats been on my heart. of what im longing for.
hope. its been my theme recently. finding it. defining it. defining what it means to me; and what it is and should be, to me.
is it weird that i find more hope from modern media than from modern christianity? is it weird that what speaks to me, that what gives me hope isn’t the 10:30am sermons every sunday? its not the orchestral music or the 3 points to (insert your favorite christian topic here) message.
its realness. realness gives me hope. its seeing people who are chosen. who stumble, who fall, who are unsure and weak and scared and, a lot of the time, lost… but they know. they have a purpose. they’ve been given a mission and like it or not, its theres to complete.
its a realness that allows me, even if for a time, to feel normal. to feel like i fit in somewhere. because for so long, ive not felt that.
im learning more the simple fact that hope is not a pretty thing. its not flowers and sunshine, birds and rainbows. hope isn’t pretty. its stubborn, torn, bloodied and at times gruesome…. its the drive that keeps us going when everything else is lost. its the internal reminder of a bigger picture. of the calling on our lives.
they give me hope. that maybe, in the midst of the chaos of life, and more so, the chaos of the heart, there is still a mission to be carried out. there are still battles to fight, and win. there is still a calling. there can still be passion.the world can still be changed. and there can still be love.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: But it ain’t all buttons and charts, little albatross. You know what the first rule of flying is? Well I suppose you do, since you already know what I’m about to say.
River Tam: I do. But I like to hear you say it.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Love. You can know all the math in the ‘verse, but take a boat in the air you don’t love, and she’ll shake you off just as sure as the turning of worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down, tells ya she’s hurting before she keels. Makes her home.
River Tam: Storm’s getting worse.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: We’ll pass through it soon enough.
Serenity
i think im looking for a fight. i am. i think ive finally begun to realize that even with all the drama, with all the heartache and pain and fear that came with the past…. there are things about it that i miss.
i had a mission. i had a battle to fight. even -if for a time- i was simply fighting for my life. i was still fighting. i had a goal. a vision. it was blurred, and charred, and it was never very clear, but i had vision. and passion.
Christmas is coming. like it or not, its less than 2 months away. walmart has been selling decorations and trees for weeks. i saw my first christmas themed commercial a few days ago. ive already heard carols… its coming. and i pray that with it, new vision comes too.
for once upon a holy night, 2000 years ago. shepherds saw their calling. wise men took heed of the signs, men heard “follow me”, and they left it all and followed.
these were real people. people with issues, and challenges, and personal demons they fought… but they were the chosen. they were given this message to carry to the world. and the world was never the same.
so as we, as i, approach this holiday season, i pray that you will find me standing in awe of the beauty that is around me. i pray for renewed vision. for renewed passion. for renewed joy. i pray for, hope.
i pray to leave all behind, follow Him… and be chosen.
somewhere over the past few weeks, ive stopped feeling. ive gone from living life, to slipping into neutral and just coasting. ive traded my emotions for a painted on smile; and hopes made of dust.
and even with all thats gone on in my life the past few weeks, i cant even post. this is literally my fifth or sixth attempt.
i want to know that this isnt it. i want to know that there is more. i want a big giant reminder that life is going to continue. that there is more to what is in store for me than just this. i want to know that there is a reason to hope… because somehow, ive stopped hoping.
i want to know there is more. i want to be reminded of a destiny.
i want to know that im far from over. that there is a hope to be had. that dreams are still worth dreaming. and life is meant to be lived fully.
and even if it means confronting these areas in my heart where there is nothing but hurt. where im still lost, and crying and…. these areas that still ache, then so be it.
because i cannot live life, as it was meant to be lived… not feeling.
there are times in our life when we must let out a cry. a cry that resonates from within us, but at times, is so drowned out by the noise and numbness of the everyday that we lose it. that we forget it is there.
we forget that this life is meant to be lived fully. that people are worth loving. and there are eyes that see through our tears, our fears and the years we wasted and still love us.
we forget that there is a thing called destiny. that dreams were meant to be chased. and that love is worth the cost.
we forget that life…. is just that. it is life.
we lose sight of this cry. of this passion that is birthed in each of us to reach out, take a hold of whatever strands of cord life throws at us and stubbornly refuses to let go. we lose sight of the determination to make new friends, experience new things…
and maybe, if were lucky… find this thing called love.
dont give up on me yet
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
this day
all i want is You
there is no one else
who can take Your place
ive seen it all
and its never enough
it keeps leaving me needing You
take me away
take me away
ive got nothing left to say
just take me away
its finally happened. the paperwork has been filled out. all that is needed now is a trip to the courthouse. my parents divorce is only days away.
its been 5 years to get to this point. and now that its almost here, i have no idea how to feel. to be honest, im not even sure ‘if’ i feel. i feel numb. and in more situations than just this one.
i mean, come on, this is huge. isnt it? or at this point, is it a non-event? is this parsley on the dinner plate; the ‘final touch’ but basically pointless?
i know, its good to have it on paper, legally. but wow, i dont feel anything.
i wrote the following back in july 2006, while on vacation in florida. i was dealing with a lot of different thoughts and emotions and i felt… i hurt. and i wrote. and this was what came out.
july 2006
more than a thousand miles from the place i call home, and less than a thousand feet from the atlantic ocean. welcome to my vacation. im about halfway through my time here in florida. the weather has been beautiful. hot, but unlike texas, a constant breeze. and the nice thing is that it actually cools off in the evening. I have had a productive few days; ive made friends with the local wildlife (that being, we now have 2 or 3 families of ducks that come right up to the sliding glass door on our deck looking for breakfast / lunch / dinner / snack), ive learned that playing chicken with waves when the tide is coming in all but guarantees that you will lose and ive driven all over I95 and can tell you quite a bit about it.
and on a different level, at dinner today i realized that im not as infatuated with “fun” and “doing things” as i once was.
maybe its because of how long its been since i spent more than a few hours with those i consider close friends. with people from NY. but im realizing something the longer im here. i dont want fun. i honestly dont. id give up all the fun of this week for 2 hours, 2 solid hours of uninterrupted, unhindered, open, honest communication. id love to just be honest and real with someone, anyone. id love to meet someone here other than the cute but non-communicative feathered natives. i mean; they honk, and they’re very adapt at letting you know exactly what they want, but they dont make the best beach walking companions.
maybe its me, maybe im simply sabotaging my own chances of having exactly what i want. maybe im…. afraid of speaking up and saying, “you know what, i really dont want to spend the day walking around outlet malls” and “no, im not ok. im not ok with life. im not ok. i miss my sister. i hurt. my god i hurt. and i just want to stop hurting”.
maybe im simply realizing that im angry. angry at God for the past two, heck… 5 years. angry at the loss. at the take-your-breath-away feelings of loss and abandonment. maybe im realizing that i cannot continue to be angry, to be hurt; but that i must start asking the hard questions. i need to realize that wounds cannot heal until they are felt. i cannot experience the life i want until i experience the life i have. until i let myself feel the hurt, the pain, the abandonment, the questions of why. the screaming that is ablaze inside of me cannot be quenched. no amount of retail therapy or quiet sessions on the beach, no amount of good times or hanging out with those i consider friends will put out the fire that is fueled by hurts that go beyond emotion and scar the very fabric of our beings. soul hurts are the hardest to heal, because for some reason we humans believe firmly that they are things we should never talk about.
im dying to talk. i guess thats what im getting at. im dying for someone to simply say they care. i dont have any idea where to go with these feelings. and im lost as to how to handle them.
maybe thats where having a father figure comes in handy. i mean, im 26 years old and im slowly coming to the conclusion that if you have a father figure in your life for only one period, it would be between 18 and 25. those are, for me anyway, the times when who i was began to fade and the man i am to be, started to form. and im sitting here now and i can honestly tell you i have no idea what it means to be a man. none. period.
im lost. and that thought scares me more than anything. i have NO idea how to act around a woman. now, dont get me wrong, i can treat a lady right and i can be the gentleman…. but im 26, and im single.
i dont know how to handle the overwhelming feelings of utter incapability to be who i am supposed to be. a breadwinner, the head of a household, maybe even a father of my own one day. and yet, on that same token, i cannot imagine bringing kids into the picture. i dont have a clue on how to be a father, so why would i want to bring children into the picture?
im realizing that i dont even know how to judge my own growth.
im reading “to own a dragon” by donald miller right now. its his reflections on growing up without a father figure. i only picked it up yesterday and its already moved me to tears. i see myself in his writings. its scary.
don talks about a special he saw on the national geographic channel a few years ago. a documentary on elephants. 20 orphaned elephants that were rescued and brought to a wildlife preserve. he spoke of watching these adolescent males enter into well, puberty. and how during this one time in puberty (that mind you, is supposed to only last for a few days) an elephant in the wild separates himself from his mother and begins to seek out an older, more mature male elephant. when found, these two become almost inseparable. the elder male teaching the younger the finer points about being an elephant; how to handle the pressures, feelings, strengths and weaknesses that elephants inherently have. and the younger elephant offering protection to the older male.
its during this time in an elephants life that elephant children die, and the elephant adult is born.
unfortunately, the adolescent males that the documentary followed were unable to find elder males to help shape, mold and guide them. this led to a period of ‘sexual frustration’ which was only supposed to last a few days turning into a much longer ordeal. these physically adult males were lost. they had no idea how to handle the stresses, pressures and feelings which burned inside of them…. and it led to outbursts which i did not realize happened in nature.
these young elephants would amble up beside an unsuspecting rhinoceros at a water hole and with no warning would plunge their tusks into the rhino, pinning it beneath the water until it drowned.
they were that frustrated. and that lost.
i am that frustrated. and that lost.
maybe youre one of the lucky ones who grew up in an intact home. who never had to feel the sting of being left behind, of losing all you hold dear. maybe you dont know what it means to have the closest person to you walk away, walk out of your life and never look back. if you are, consider yourself lucky.
there has been this ache, following me. overflowing into everything ive done the past few days. and the thing is, ive no idea where it is coming from or how to handle it.
im on vaction. and i cannot get over this. i dont even know what “this” is. im just, lost. and hurting. so much.
and i want to go home.
can you believe that? im on vacation, and i dont fly out for another 3 days…. but all i can think about is how desperately i want to go home. my god there must be something wrong with me.
maybe i had this idea of how this vacation was going to go. maybe i had too many hopes and dreams of refreshing, of revitalization, of renewing and re-energizing. maybe what i wanted, and what was supposed to happen on this trip dont line up. im not actually sure.
but i do know that i should be able to say that im wishing i handnt spent the money. that i could be working right now and doing something productive with my time.
would someone please tell me what is wrong with me?
———-
i almost feel like i need to post a disclaimer, and say that florida was amazing. because it was. it absolutely was. its 300+ photos of one of the best weeks in my life. it was 8 days with people i love more than life itself. the trip would have been worth 10x what i spent. i dont regret going in the least. heck, im already planning for 2007.
but sometimes even in the midst of paradise we need to deal with the dark areas of the soul. and by writing the above, i was doing just that.
life is not only watching the moon rise over the ocean… its also the fight to simply reach the shore.
what i wrote may not be fully correct, or right. but you know what? it came out of who i am. it came out of the moments, the places inside of my heart that are still beating. it was honesty. and im afraid that im losing that. that im somehow losing the ability to feel things deeply.
i want more of that. i want honesty. i want moments without make believe.
at this point? id rather simply be real and be absolutely wrong; id rather expose the dirt in my heart and simply be real, be the me that i am, than be right and be fake… and die on the inside.
i hunger for the storm. i hunger for the moments when i cant help but rely on someOne else to save. i dont want to be self sufficient.i almost feel like im drowing in this abyss of normalacy. and i dont want that. i dont.
i used believe in
some kind of feeling
that could change everything i thought i knew
but that door has closed
and my heart feels like its frozen
if You hear me
i cant feel You
there are times in our lives when we are dealt more emotions than we know how to handle. than we know what to do with or are capable of understanding and working through. its during those times when i find myself writing the most. and posting the least.
there is beauty to be found in the hardest times in life. a beauty that is unnoticed, unacknowledged any other time.
this beauty is found in times of loss. of realizing that this world and all it contains, is infinitely larger than we are. its beauty found only in the realization that we’re not in control. and that no matter how hard we try, or how good we are, we never will be in control.
there is a beauty here, an amazing grace to be found, a glistening newness that comes when we; with tears streaming down our face drop to our knees and whisper our surrender. our acknowledgement that we cannot do this. that we are not in control and that we will never be good enough.
the thing is, its only when we’ve seen this in our own lives, when we’ve dropped to our knees and surrendered… that we are given the gift of seeing it in the lives of others.
im realizing that its in those moments of surrender that we find the strands of real life. you may find these moments during a quiet night on the beach, or in the glaring reality of losing someone you loved. you may see this depth in someone you know, and see it in the for the first time… or you may recognize it in the eyes of a complete stranger.
whatever you do, wherever you see it, in your own life or in the eyes of someone else; embrace it. love it.
i must believe that life is worth living, that those moments of painful surrender bring true life. and i want that. so badly.
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 