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i know in years passed, ive typically had an end-of-year post. something that recaps what the year was about. something that offers closure. something that allows me a moment to reflect, and move on. i know i didnt this year. i know that we’re already more than a week into 2007. my birthday came and went (blows party horn). and the world celebrated a new year.
more than a million people gathered in times square to watch a giant crystal ball drop. why? well, i’ll tell you… watching a giant crystal ball drop is just the coolest thing evar.. ok, not really. why then? why spend the money, and invest the hours standing in times square? its simple.. and its this reason that all of humanity looks forward to the new year.
new beginnings. a fresh start. a clean slate. new hope.
hope.
if i had to pick a theme that carried me through the final few months of 2006, it was hope. and i only hope and pray, that it continues throughout 2007.
dealing with disappointment isnt easy.
some of us have the ability to put a smile on. to fight through it. to just, chalk it up to another something that didnt work out the way we expected it to, and just move on. some of us can shake it off, gather our things and be gone. moving into whatever is next with all the anticipation and hope of a puppy running through the leaves. i try to be that person. i do. and i think im pretty good at it.
there are other times though…. when i just cant. when i cant move on. when i cant pretend things are ‘ok’. for just a small moment in time, i lose it. and im honest with myself. no, no-one ever sees it. not in its fullness. but it happens.
i think we all live this way. we all find ourselves in moments where we are too exhausted, we can no longer keep our guard up, and the real us shines through. moments, often times by followed by a trail of tears.
im learning that its in those moments; those moments where we drop our guard, where we no longer hold up the facade… those moments when -no, im not ok- breaks through to the surface… that we see true beauty.
its in those moments that, if we’re lucky, we see hope.
there are times when i seriously hesitate about posting something online. be it simple uncertainty, fear, or knowing its just not the right time… sometimes i wonder if clicking “publish” is the right thing to do.
last night was one of those times.
i wont lie and say i was feeling chipper. because i wasnt. i was rather down last night. and to be honest, i am not sure why.
Christmas did rock. flat out. 110% rocked. the whole day was amazing. heck, the whole three day event was amazing. christmas eve was a ton of fun, christmas morning was great. i gave some stinkin awesome gifts:)
sometimes finding the courage to dream simply means being real with what we’re feeling. dealing with it. bringing it out into the light… because sometimes we need to see things, in the light, to see them for what they really are. and that holds true for the battles we face. sometimes we simply need to expose them to the light, to see how small they really are.
and how truly blessed we are.
Merry Christmas
take my silence to mean whatever you wish. wether or not what you take it to mean; is truth, is a totally different issue.
we will always have battles to fight. demons that are ours and ours alone to spar with. some of us will always have areas in our lives that hurt.
areas where, in the heat of battle, we were wounded and we never found the healing we needed. areas that were cut, damaged, broken. and because of the hastes of life, and the possible need to find safety… these areas became scars.
medals of battles long since forgotten.
for some of us, dealing with those areas will always hurt. pain will aways be a reminder of what was lost. some of us may forever walk with a limp. but we will keep walking. some of us may never leave the confines of scar tissue behind fully. but we will still dream.
so, if your asking me if i am ok, if there are no after effects, no damaged areas, no shrapnel? if you’re asking that, then no. im not there yet. there is still pain. but i am still walking. i am still dreaming.
and i will not stop.
i wrote the above a few nights ago. and to be honest, i am not sure where it came from. or for that matter, on all evenings, why i should be feeling this way on Christmas.
i wanted to tell someone that i dont feel happy. that as hard as i tried, as much as i loved seeing the expressions on my moms face, my sisters faces as they opened the gifts… something was missing.
and i dont know what it is. or maybe i do. and maybe im simply chosing to ignore it.
or maybe, i simply dont know how to deal with it.
when you’ve lived so long with pain. with a wound. you begin to identify with it. you begin to believe that it is a part of you. and for some of us, the chaos and intensity of the situaiton(s) that inflicted that wound on us are so vivid in our memories, these wounds become more real to us than the vision of healing.
we identify with our wounds more than we identify with our friends, family, or beliefs. our wounds begin to define us. and we lose the definition of ourselves that we were writing.
part of me wants to simply believe the first part of what i wrote. part of me sees valor in it. sees a simple determination to keep walking. to not care what life throws at you. to look at life like a battle. something to be fought through, and not lived in. part of me sees that, connects with that, almost yearns for that.
because even in the midst of pain, it is safe. if only because it is familiar.
i could continue to walk down that road. and live life alone. i could. but to be honest, i dont want to.
sometimes finding the courage to dream means simply finding the faith, within ourselves, to pray for stronger arms to hold you.
so ill admit. when i asked for your prayers last week, i played down the situation just a bit. to be totally honest, the past two weeks were probably the worst two weeks, physically, ive ever had.
i was taking hydrocodone 4x a day. and towards the end of things, it barley touched the pain.
i couldnt sit, i couldnt stand, i couldnt walk. there wasnt a position i could be in that didnt hurt. and movement, simple movent literally took my breath away.
but i did my best not to complain. and to be honest, i subcomed to fear. i did. i wasnt honest with my family, or the doctors about how much pain i was in. i dont like doctors. and i paid for it.
sunday morning, i couldnt even sit on the toilet to use the bathroom. the pain was that severe. i lost in soon after in the shower. i just wept.
my mom came to tell me she was headed out to church, and to check on me one more time. it was at that point that two weeks of horrible pain, sleepless nights and fear came to the surface. and i did something i hadnt done in a long time.
i broke down. in someones arms.
i couldnt take the pain anymore. there wasnt anything i could do that was “right”. no matter how i moved, sat, didnt move, laid down, knelt… nothing helped the pain. and i simply lost it. and it wasnt just your run of the mill crying. i was sobbing. i couldnt help it.
fast forward 4 days…. and im feeling SOOO much better. im still recovering, so, i still would appreciate prayers. but i am so incredibly thankful to be feeling better. i am.
yesterday, i was on the way home from work. and something struck me. i was mulling over the past few weeks; how i could have handled it better, how i could have gone to the doctors earlier, if i had been a bit more patient, would i still have originally misdiagnosed…. and it hit me.
it took all that, to simply get me to crumble. to lay aside my defenses and simply ask for help. even if all that help entailed was a shoulder to cry on. its funny too, because thats just what i did. i cried on a shoulder.
it didnt help the pain. it didnt help the discomfort. it didnt help me physically, but it helped. it lifted the weight i had been bearing. it made me feel lighter.
then i got to thinking. what does it take in my life? pain, misery, discomfort, sleepless nights? simply to get me to be that real with my Saviour.
for me to fall at His feet. to be brave enough to crumble at the altar on a sunday morning… and find that shoulder. that shoulder to cry on. that shoulder that will carry my burden. and allow me to take His.
oh no
you never let go
through the calm
and through the storm
oh no
you never let go
every high
and every low
Lord, you never let go of me
for those of you who sent prayer my way, i am feeling much better. You have no idea how much better i feel:-)
thank you!
there is no weakness in asking for help. if we were honest with ourselves, we’d probably say that our greatest moments of strength came when we let down our guard; and honestly, simply asked for help.
which is what im doing right now.
im asking for prayer.
for about 10 days now ive been battling an abscess. without going into details lets just say its located in an area that makes sitting very painful. i was misdiagnosed for about 4 days, so i only started on the antibiotics and uber-powerful painkillers on thursday.
to be honest, without the painkillers, i would hardly be able to move.
but you know what? this is Christmas time. a time of hope. a time of miracles. a time for reminding us what is truly important, and in finding that, we find life.
so i would ask for you to pray for healing. but beyond that, i ask that you share your hopes, dreams, and prayers for this holiday season.
we’re all in this together aren’t we? so, here is to the ride. to honesty. to being real, and in doing so, finding out what this whole thing is truly all about.
May you find hope, and have a very Merry Christmas.
its in living those stories out, that we find out what is in our hearts. its in those moments of pressure, of stress, of pain that just wont end; that we truly see the holes in our heart. and what we’ve filled them with. and how quickly we want the circumstances to change.
we dont want the process of change. we dont want the uncovering, the exposing, the embarassment from having our hearts shown for what they truly are.
me? its anger. and its beginning to impact me physically. and it sucks.
and right now, i want to simply be healed. im not looking for the long term cure. i want the instant fix.
i dont want to peek into the areas of my heart that ive brushed under the carpet… that ive kept hidden. that ive hoped would one day just go away. i dont want to go where ive not been in a long while. i want to avoid those areas, take a pill and move on.
but i cannot.
not if i want to live fully. not if i want to continue to hope.
sometimes it takes a thorn in our sides, to get us to drop to our knees and simply say we were wrong. to accept the wrong-ness. to expose it, and to, hopefully, find what was supposed to occupy that part of our hearts in the first place.
life. full on, no holds barred, im all in, life.
whatever it takes. right?
right.
i’ve been reading through the old testament for the past few weeks. and something struck me. stories. the entire old testament is made up of stories. stories of mankind’s attempts, and failures. stories of desperation, of loss, of survival. stories that always, always had an undercurrent.
hope.
david, moses, joseph, miriam, joshua… the list goes on. hope.
God is in love with stories. with communicating to us the value of living your life. of not giving up. of being sold out. of never looking back. of singing your song, dancing your dance, writing your book… stories of living your life.
imagine if david simply gave up and ran when the bear charged him. the book of psalms would never have been written. or what would have happened if joseph would have quit when he was sold as a slave? where would the nation of Israel be?
hope. hope in times of desperation.
when it comes to My people, stories of survival, stories of victory, stories of deliverance are the fuel that keeps them going. this is the answer, when they question their own ability to take the next step. these stories are the answer..
with My people, there will always be stories. stories that bring hope. stories that bring vision. stories that open our eyes to what is possible, and help us see beyond the world that simply is.
with My people, hardships will always exist, tears will fall. brokenness will always have a place… but victory will follow. joy will come.
stories will be the air they breathe. so record your story. record your hope. share your hope.
share hope.
with My people, there will always be stories. but beyond that, when the stories fade… there will always be hope.
choose to keep walking. choose to keep fighting. choose to be who you were destined to be.
because you need to live out your story. you need to see the hope in store. you need to see the final chapter in the book of you.
so live your life. write your book. because someone is dying to read it.
thats the only thought in my head this evening. and its a fitting thought to end today. because it describes the past few weeks.
i could go into details. i could tell you about how i watched 60 people i considered close friends lose their jobs. how i started my new job. how i saw my sister for the first time in 11 months. and how i said goodbye to her. how i found out two very close friends of mine had been raped.
but i wont. the above? just the titles. no descriptions. no details. just a glimpse into the past few weeks.
some of this has me wondering, crying out… why?
why? that question may never go away. a lot of what has happend will never find its way into the will of any God who calls Himself love. it cannot. for those were acts not commited in any form of love.
part of me wants answers. part of me wants to scream and shout and demand someone pays.
but another part of me, the majority of me. wants to see hope birthed. hope birthed in my friends lives. in their dreams. in their passions and in their love.
i want to see new life, new hope breathed into their very beings.
i want to see healing and freedom and victory over what has happened.
this, this is my hearts cry. freedom. healing. hope. its why i started http://findhope.wordpress.com. and its why i want you to check it out. send your stories. send your words of encouragement, your cries for help, or your stories of hope.
just reach out. because… because there are people out there. who want to help you. who want to offer you hope. and who want to walk though this with you.
blessed be Your name
on the road marked with suffering
though there is pain in the offering
blessed be Your name
every blessing you pour out
Ill turn back to praise
when the darkness closes in Lord
still I will say
blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your glorious name
you give and take away
You give and take away
my heart will chose to say
Lord, blessed be your name
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 