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so ive spent the last few months constantly worrying. fretting non-stop that ive made or will make some massive mistake. some end-of-the-world, game over thanks for playing, bang bang your dead mistake.
fear sucks.
i know, deep thoughts for this evening huh? welcome to me drowing in the depth of a parking lot puddle. but thats fear in a nutshel isnt it? a parking lot puddle. dirty. murky. so filthy its almost opaque…. but if you took that step and just put your freakin foot down you’d realize it was only centimeters deep…
and suddenly the parking lot seems a lot less intimidating. suddely, the things you’ve been fearing dont seem as overwhelmingly powerful. suddely you realize how much bigger the God who lives in you is compared to this measly, filthy collection of scum.
you take that step and suddenly your world changes. suddenly your point of view, your perspective changes. and your breath is taken away. and you realize that life may be littered with puddles. some bigger than others… some deeper than others. but thats just it… they’re freakin puddles.
ever see a dedicated runner out when its raining? they’re not dodging puddles. they’re not trying to sidestep the very byproducts of the world existing around them… they have a goal in place. their gate is steady. their eyes are fixed on the prize. now dont misunderstand, they are very aware of their surroundings… but they are focused not on their surroundings, but on where the surroundings point to.
puddles come from rain. and rain, from the rainmaker.
and if there is a rain maker, and if its true He loves me as much as He says He does, and if my steps are as ordered as He promises them to be, and if His plans for me are for good and not evil, for hope, and for an expected end… then who am i to let some dirty puddles stand between me and this rainmaking God?
Lord, you’ve given me these words. these words have not come from me. because right now, i dont feel this way. right now im still afraid. im still afraid of puddles. of messing up. of not measuring up. please help me to realize that your Son did all the measuring up that ill ever need. help me to rest in that…
and run to You.
i know, it has been a long time since ive really poured myself into this blog. ive had so many things to talk about. so many things in me that im realizing, that im afraid of, that i dont want to see, that i want to pretend dont exist.
to put it simply… i am afraid to hope.
that phrase, afraid to hope, came to me earlier today right before dinner. Mom bought each of us kids two books. two of her favorites. and honestly, my first reaction was one of fear.
it was a blessing to me. and i knew that. i concsiously knew it was meant to be a blessing. i knew that. it was something nice my mom wanted to do for me. it was, as she put it, a mushy moment. and i was scared.
im afraid to take anything that ill get emotionally involved in. im afraid to open up, to hope. to offer any part of my self as vulnerable to anyone. simply because i, simply because i dont want to lose anything else.
its a really sad and pathetic thought process. it was however, born out of the need to cope. now, its a chain thats drowning me in a sea of hopelessness.
i lost so much, that having anything that could be lost, simply terrifies me. i dont want to lose my family again. i dont want my past personal failures to determine my future. i dont want to lose my family again. i dont. i honestly, truly do not.
i lived 3 years apart from them. i did it. and i proved to myself that it could be done. and now that im back, i dont want to be apart again. at least, not under negative circumstances.
i want to hope. i honestly do. living in a hopeless existence is living in death. but im a very analytical thinker. and i want guarantees. i want promises. i want to know ill be ok. i want to know my family will be ok.
why do i still feel the same
though everything has changed
the pain it cost
now i feel lost
inside of my own name
though everything has changed
the pain it cost
now i feel lost
inside of my own name
but i keep running
i am running
i keep living for the day that im with You
that im with You
the past has left its stain
and i have felt ashamed
ill seize the day
if you take away
the chains of yesterday
and i keep running
i am running
i keep living for the day that im with You
and i am waiting
i am waiting
i keep waiting for the day that im with You
new day the sun is shining
seems im closer to finding
that life is more than what we hide
no way that i am turning
as along as the sun is burning
now it seems that all i want is you
to fear hope, is truly, to fear all that life can be. to fear hope is to remove all chances of being wounded, to remove all opportunity for hurt, to keep at arms length all that may damage or crush ones soul.
to fear hope, is truly, to fear all that life can offer. to fear hope is to remove all chances of being in love, to remove all opportunity for joy, to keep at arms length all that may bring completion, blessings and honest compassion that may help heal ones soul.
to fear hope, is truly to fear all that life is.
i dont want to live life like this.
dont give up on me yet
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
dont forget who i am
i know im not there yet
but dont let me stand here alone
this day all i want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
ive seen enough
and its never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
take me away
take me away
ive got nothing left to say
just take me away
someone once said that there is love in the red letters. and i believe that the best thing i can do right now, is close with those selfsame letters.
bless the Lord, o my soul: and all that is within me, bless His holy name. bless the Lord o my soul and forget not all His benefits. who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases. who redeemeth your life from destruction, who crowns you wit lovingkindness and mercies, who satisfies your mouth with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles.
the Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and plenteous in mercy. He has not dealt with us after our sins, nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. for as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward them that fear Him. as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
but the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear Him, and his righteousness unot childrens children….
bless the Lord all His works in all places of is dominion, bless the Lord o my soul.
so this week will ultimately force me to face my fears…. or, do what ive realized ive been doing for the past 2 years. which is, to run from them.
i must let my apartment people know wether or not i wish to renew my lease for another year by march 15. next week monday. the choice on the other side of things… is moving down to be with my family. both options have definite high points. and there isnt any option that i dont want.
i talked with my mom tonite. and i – faced my fear – and asked if she would hate me if i chose, or thought that i should remain in new york for another year…. she said of course she wouldnt hate me. and abruptly ended the conversation.
my heart wants to think that its because the thought of me staying here another year is painful. even if it is the best thing for me. but what my heart tells me… is that im running the risk of the fate my father faced. banishment.
i know, its innane to think that way. ive not done the heinous things my father has. but when it all comes down to it, what i hear… what i see… is that my dad didnt do what mom wanted. so dad left. and never is allowed back.
so yeah. that, would be one of the most overwhelming fears ive carried the past two years. and i know that i carry pieces of it into other aspects of my life. friendships. relationships. work relationships. my work ethic. the fact that i keep my apartment immaculately clean.
its as if im somehow trying to reverse the course of the past 2 years by simply being the best me i can be. like i can somehow turn back time. and if i was just a better person, if i just listened more, if i just loved my sisters more, if i just… if i hadnt failed… then they would come back.
they would come back. we would be a family. and the world would be good.
but thats it isnt it? the fear i face? did i fail? could i have done something, anything… to have stopped what happened before it started?
ive spent the last 2 years here in new york litterally running from situations, people and memories that would force me to consider these fears. and where has it gotten me? no where. absolutely no where.
so now with less than a week to go, im forcing myself to look these fears square in the face. i need to do this. or im simply doomed to repeat the last two years.
i look back, and i see all the chances i never took, all the risks i never accepted… and all that i have to show for my paranoia? unhealed scars.
but that doenst answer the question does it? where is home? will i ever measure up for what i feel my mom needs? am i supposed to be in new york? am i supposed to be in texas? what is my role?
i dont really know how to close this post. because i wasnt honestly sure how it was going to turn out. so ill just let it go here. and wish you all a good nite.
i wanted to post an adendum to last nites blog.
new mornings bring new peace. and new oppurtunities.
and new persepectives.
now, yes. i still want to go home. but im also realizing how much i should be thankful for. ive got a job. an apartment and a car that runs. and on top of that, a family that loves me and would do anything in their power to bring me home.
so all in all – although it sucks to be so far away…. and although i still want to go home….
God is good.
so im back.
just spent 8 days with the family. 8 great days. i havent seen my mom or one sister in more than a year… and i had 8 days.
im trying hard to keep my chin up. because, in all honesty, i had a blast. i miss them more than words could express. but i did have a blast. it was so much fun. and it was…. i felt complete. i was home
and then, i woke up here. this morning. and it was different. i woke up in my apartment. but this time there wasnt anyone perking coffee. no little dog running around my feet.
it was quiet.
i called skip. i used the excuse that i wanted to talk with her about a ride to church this morning… but in all honesty, i desperately needed a friendly voice to hear. then i called home. talked to my sister.
later this afternoon it finally hit. and i lost it. it hurts so much to be here. whats amazing is that i know ill be seeing them in less than 3 months for a wedding. so i know it’ll be soon. there is no question.
but all i can think about… is how badly i want to go home.
it wasnt supposed to be this hard to leave. i almost didnt board the plane in texas. after saying goodbye and passing through security, i had to run to the bathroom…. i cried in the stalls. i sat there in the terminal, a full 90 minutes before the flight, with nothing but my thoughts.
God i just want to go home. please? can i?
now i realze… im insanely emotional right now.
i just want it to stop hurting. its been 2 years. ive had enough. i want to hang up my armour for a time and rest with those i know love me. i want to be a part of a family again.
i just… i want to go home.
save me….
we live our lives desperately yearning for the next distraction. searching, trying, clinging to the next thing that helps us lose focus of the depravity of our lives. we fight with all we have, against all we know to be truth, to simply lose ourselves in something that only hurts us in the end.
and it is in the end that we realize… that we were never the only ones were wounded.
what we need is not safety from our enemies…
its salvation from ourselves.
wake me up inside
wake me up inside
call my name and save me from myself
Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another – possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn’t
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.
*~*~*Claim Your Wings – Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla
i dont place too much weight into quizzes online… but this was powerful.
my hope however, is not in myself… but in the One who loves me… inspite of myself.
ive tried to post twice now, and its just not happening. so im probably going to be brief tonite.
a thank you goes out to those who’ve commented on my last post. although the previous post was and still is a part of what i feel… it honestly isnt all of the truth. i wasnt lying, i was being 100% honest. but emotions dont control us. and what you read was a lot of emotion.
for the record, i am thrilled for my sister. my mom approves of the engagement. and i cant wait to go down and meet this guy…. 3 weeks from… today. ill be home.
i will say this much, somehow – through the haze that has been my mind the past 4-6 weeks… im still learning things. im still realizing things.
i was reminded again of some issues in my life. areas where i havent forgiven myself. areas in my life where i simply havent accepted the reality of now… and the realities i lived through 2 years ago. and areas in my life… where i have not forgiven God.
i know, you’re probably asking yourself how one can blame God. for God is blameless. He is right, just, pure and 100% unblameable. He has never done any wrong. i know all those things. and beyond that, i believe all those things.
i know… but i chose not to forgive.
and i know that my choices have consequences. my prayer life, is almost nonexistent. how do you talk/communicate with anyone if you blame them for something huge.
and thats what im doing. im blaming God for the past 2.5 years of my life. for the hell ive gone through. for the hell my family has gone through. and for what he allowed my dad to do to my sisters. its revolting that a God of “love” could just stand by and watch “His daughters” live through the worst actions and events that anyone could ever face.
and it all happened… just under our noses.
just under my nose.
so what am i saying here? what am i hinting at?
honestly, im not sure. i know that im not in a healthly place right now. ive been startled out of thought processes, projects at work, and sleep with memories of the past. memories of the recent past… of mistakes i made… and of well, lets just say “memories” id rather forget.
and feel like i cant bring this to anyone. im sure most people ive talked with about the situations in my family are fairly sick about hearing about them. God knows i am. and its not that things “change” in those situations often at all… its just that that wont go away. its like an open infected wound that isnt allowed to heal because the tissue is constantly ripped open again… it never goes away. it may not get worse, but it wont leave. and therefore, to me anyway, it hurts… just like the first time, all over again.
and how exactly do you approach someone about the abuse your sisters and heck, even you probably went through?
“hey george, how ya doin? lets talk about my crappy past” doesnt go over very well…
im having a harder and harder time deciphering real memories from nightmares. and its not fun.
my family, my mere existence is the very sum of all of the fears i have about having my own family.
and now my sister wants to start one of her own. can you blame me for feeling overprotective? for feeling like shes vulnerable in a way i can do nothing about? and can you blame me if im struggling to leave this whole things in a loving Gods hands?
so maybe the question to ask next is simply that… what is next?
what steps should i be taking to walk free from this? or, before that, is it possible to ‘walk free’ from it? from the memories, from the nightmares. from the overwhelmed feeling when a new memory arises? or are they all a part of who i am now?
and for that matter… who am i now? am i the son of a divorced family? no… not technically… the divorce hasnt been finalzed. am i one who has survived abuse and will keep fighting? i dont know. because i dont FREAKING REMEMBER if i was abused or not. i have all these memories. disgusting memories… but they make no sense… its like throwing random rememberances into a food processor, letting it run for a minute or two… and then trying to make sense of the sludge that remains.
what are my dreams? what is my calling? what is my role in this life? why the heck am i even here?
questions that all could be answered if i simply prayed.
simply prayed.
Lord…. help.
this is something i ended up writing a week ago or so. and the pain with which i right it…. with which pen leaves impression on paper… is overwhelming.
so ill leave you with it.
introspective… in retrospect.
you grow up thinking that you’ll be the big brother who will always be there. swim meets. first dates. prom nites. and stupid boyfriends.
i wasnt that kind of brother.
i wasnt there.
and now she’s engaged.
she’s engaged and ive not even met my soon to be brother in law.
i want to go home.
i want to spend whatever time my sisters have thats actual “growing up” time… with them.
sometimes it takes your life being jarred in a manner you didnt think would happen… for you to begin to look internally… and see how much things have changed.
ive spent 2 years up here on my own. and i suddenly realized late saturday nite that ive proved to myself that i can make it on my own. i did it. i am my own man.
and i miss my mom. so much.
its been more than a year since ive seen her.
what happened? where did the time go? and why wasnt i there?
how can i call myself a big brother… when i wasnt there. was it really just my own greed… wanting my own way that kept me up here?
its amazing isnt it? she’s grown up.
and im not there.
why?
i wanted to be sure and complete a few things before the weekend ended.
first and foremost, a shout out to valery for sendin me some love via her blog for my birthday:-)
if you dont usually check out my link section, you should. especially the one marked “val”.
neat how i used her name as the link huh?
heheheh
in other news, i stuffed my foot down my throat quite deeply with my boss on thursday.
during our weekly meeting i happened to remark on a plant that a friend of his had given him. the plant was a flamingo plant. its leaves turn pink… like a flamingo… it was cool. anyway.
as i sit down i happen to see the little card on which was printed the name of the plant. except… misread it. i didnt say “flamingo”. with a completely straight face, i told him i liked his flaming plant. now please… understand my boss is gay.
needless to say, that didnt go over well…
but he did understand and, thankfully, originally thought the card said flaming as well.
anyway.
one of my leads at work sold this week.
praise Jesus!
i just had a whole two paragraphs typed up regarding my struggles with the past few weeks.
i dont think its worth delving into right now.
on a different topic… one year ago this time, my mom and sisters were in rochester. that wa the last time ive seen them.
i cant wait for february. i simply cant. ill be headed home then.
🙂
-nite
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