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throughout our lives, we will constantly be faced with choices. with questions demanding answers. situations demanding action. challenges demanding we overcome, or surrender. and not all choices, not all situations, not all intersecting paths on the roads we walk will have a clear right and wrong. we wont always understand why we’re facing the challenge placed before us. we wont always know exactly what to do. or why we have to do it.
sometimes we’re given choices to allow us an opportunity to bless another, sometimes the intersection allows us to challenge and stretch ourselves, to force us out of our comfort zone. and sometimes we’re given choices that set our course, that make us. that close one chapter of our lives and open another. choices that brings questions, that uncover truth. choices that bring hope. choices that write our stories.
a few weeks ago, i stood in a place i’d never been. followed a road id never seen. looking out into a beauty i’d never known. and it was in that moment that i knew the rest of this year would hold choices. opportunities to climb, or stumble. to become a better person, or to fall. choices to judge and belittle, or to love because we were first loved. and in those choices, in choosing to love, we gain an opportunity to uncover what true love actually means. its in those moments, when we chose to love even though it doesnt make sense, even though we may have been wronged, even when we’re not sure why, that our eyes are opened. we begin to realize how much of what we have is a gift; we begin to see those around us as gifts, we begin to see their value. we begin to understand how much each are worth. we see. we understand. or we at least begin to realize how precious they are.
when we begin to see someones real value, we begin to understand why an all powerful and all knowing being, would chose to love them. when we begin to see them, as He sees them, we begin to see real, pure love.
i’m learning that sometimes the bravest thing we can do, is surrender. to take what we’ve been given, and give it away. to take that understanding, that glimmer of truth, and use it. sometimes the bravest thing we can do is tell someone they matter. that they were created with a purpose, with a plan. and that even if they dont see it, that they were created with intention. that there is nothing about their existence that is accidental.
that they are worthy of love. and lovely.
that they are beautiful.
i want eyes like that. eyes that see those around me not as friends and family, coworkers and fellow commuters, but as created beings birthed from a love that we have not yet begun to understand. i want to see the world as He does. because that world is true, it’s more real than anything else you and i will ever experience on earth. it’s beauty, in its rarest form.
and its how i want to see.
it was in that moment, overlooking this field you see above, that i understood i was looking at beauty. that i was challenged. that i was given a choice. challenged in my role. in being a man. in becoming the man, the person, the son, i want to be. i was challenged with what i see. with how i see the world, and those around me.
The kingdom of heaven is like something precious buried in a field, which a man found and hid again; then in his joy he goes and sells all he has and buys that field.
Matthew 13:44
on the roads we walk throughout our lives, we will constantly be faced with choices. we will be asked to do different things in different situations. to play different roles. to love differently, individually. to love as He would love, if He were to have walked that road. sometimes we will be lead to a field, and if we follow, if we chose to walk where He would have us walk, we uncover a treasure of worth beyond words.
i’m sure we would all hope, that in those moments, the treasure we find would be ours to keep. that we would be the one chosen, the one to run and sell all we have to buy the field, to obtain the treasure. but im learning that there will be times when we’re asked to stand as defenders around the field. to protect the treasure, to keep it safe. to shelter and cherish and value it. to keep it secure and far from harm until the one meant to uncover it, is ready to do so.
standing in that field, seeing that treasure, challenged me. made me realize, again, that i have a choice. and if i want to be the man, the person, the son, the husband and father i want to be, then i’ve got a role to play. along the roads im asked to walk, should i uncover a treasure, should i be the one chosen, then i will be overjoyed, i will run and sell all i own to buy this field, to obtain the treasure.
until that time, i will stand guard over this field. i will tell someone they matter. that they were created with a purpose, with a plan. and that even if they dont see it, that they were created with intention. that there is nothing about their existence that is accidental. that their story is worth protecting. that there is tremendous value in the center of who they are, in the center of the story being told through their life. because the story being told in their life, right now, is worth cherishing, is worth the fervor needed to protect the ending. because they, this field, is worth protecting.
because they are worthy of love. and lovely.
because they are beautiful.
caedmon’s call – ten thousand angels
how long you have traveled in darkness weeping
no rest in language, no words to speak
but there in the wreckage beneath bricks and bindings
love has come, love has come for you
against the night sky of your waiting
your face is like starlight when he walks in
everything worth keeping comes through dying
love has come, love has come for you
so lift up your heart now, to this unfolding
all that has been broken will be restored
here runs deep waters for all who are thirsty
love has come, love has come for you
ten thousand angels will light your pathway
until the day breaks fully in the East
they will surround you and make your way straight
love has come, love has come for you
love has come, love has come for you
why is it that i always run?
it’s my coping mechanism. i keep myself as busy as possible to ignore my own pain. and it took this past week for me to actually realize this. that i’m in pain, that i hurt. that there are things inside of me that hurt in ways i didnt know possible. and to avoid the pain, to stay in front of it, i run. i pack my workday with work, my evenings with more work, and when i’m not working im distracting myself with a book, excercise, tv, music or any number of other ‘medications’. anything, as long as it dulled the pain.
i run.
because i didnt want to feel.
this week, forced me to slow down.
in just a few short hours my final day of vacation ends. and to be honest, i dont know what to do. this past week was a waterfall to a parched land. it was life, breathed into me.
this week reminded me of so much. i saw beauty. pure, untouched beauty placed inside of those who call me friend. i saw friendship, in its most amazing state. i saw love. new love between those recently married. and old love, tried by fire but burning brightly between those closer to being grandparents and great-grandparents than newlyweds.
i said hello to new things, and goodbye to the old.
the flashes of brilliant light no longer offered just a peek into the beauty and future of someone i cared for, but a glimpse into my own life. into the promises that have been on hold. the promises i had given up on. the promises of joy, of color, of friendship and beauty, the promises of redemption and of love.
the promises that, if i’m honest, i thought were gone.
but most of all, i saw beauty.
there were moments when all i wanted to do was watch, see how these amazing people lived their lives. stand in awe of the simple fact that they call me friend. i slowed down. and i was caught unaware, by the beauty that was all around me.
the pain came too. it did. and it will continue to do so. but im going to work through that. i’m going to unpack the garage and find my heart again.
because i now know im not alone.
and beyond all the other blessings this week held, knowing that, knowing that i’m not alone, is worth more to me than anything i’ve ever been given.
beth and aaron, jenna and pete, val, robbie, denis, wendy, jen, april – thank you.
Future of Forestry – Slow Your Breath Down
this chest is full of memories
of gold and silver tears
i’ll give you more to own than all of this
and i’ll give you more than years
for you were once a child of innocence
and i see you just the same
your burdens couldnt win or lose a thing
oh i’d tell you once again
but you’re always on the run
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your heart now, oh
you can trust in love again
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your smile now, oh
you can trust in love again
if you leave, i’ll still be close to you
when all your fears rain down
i’ll take you back a thousand times again
and i’ll take you as my own
i will sing you songs of innocence
till the light of morning comes
till the rays of golden honey cover you
in the sweetness of the dawn
but you’re always on the run
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your heart now oh
you can trust in love again
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your smile now oh
you can trust in love again
you’re not alone
you’re now a part of me
you feel the cure
i feel the toil it brought you
sometimes i wonder if are allowed stages in our life where we are overwhelmed, when the only thing we can do is cope, to bring us to the place where we begin to understand how much bigger life can be. maybe we need to be shown how small our view of life is, before it can be broken and remade into something that allows us to experience how awe-filled this life is. and maybe the more we allow our views of life to be shaken, the bigger they become.
it has been said that there is no breath sweeter than the first gasping breath of a drowning man. that the air we all take for granted, tasted different, somehow better, to someone who has nearly drowned.
maybe, in a way, we need to have our views of life, our boxes if you will, taken apart piece by piece before we realize how amazing what we have, truly is.
i was out to dinner a few nights ago. a bunch of coworkers and i. and in walked this very attractive young lady. if that had been all i noticed, then it would have been a testament to my vision and to how small it is. i’ll be honest, her physical beauty was the first thing i noticed. but it wasnt the last.
she was in pain. it was evident. it may not have been physical scars, but she was in pain. her eyes told more than her words. and in her own way, spoken through the way she was dressed, she was asking for more attention than she would know what to do with. her view of the world was broken, and she was looking to the world to fill the cracks.
i felt ashamed. that i hadnt seen that first.
and i felt her pain.
and i whispered a prayer.
that she would be found. that true Men, men with the Fathers heart would surround her, and protect her, and help to slowly dismantle her world view. i prayed that friends would envelope her, and love her, and remind her of her value. and most of all, i prayed that her window would be repaired. that her vision would be restored. that those first glimpses of life would be the breath of life to a drowning man. that she’d see the beauty created within her. and that she’d come to the place where she knew, that this beauty, never changes.
and to be honest, i prayed the same. for me.
Fernando Ortega – Be Thou My Vision
high King of heaven
my victory won
may i reach heaven’s joys
oh bright Heavens Sun
heart of my own heart
whatever befalls
still be my vision
oh Ruler of all
i think, if we’re honest with ourselves, we would say we were each left with questions. we would nod our heads and agree that we could each remember a time when those who came before us, who were supposed to build us up, show us the ropes, explain how to work this thing called life, those people, dropped the ball.
i think we were all left with questions.
we’d knock our glasses together, give each other looks that say ‘we understand’ and drink to the fact that we all have life experiences that echo the same questions.
we’d pat shoulders, and give hugs. we’d be there for each other and support each other through the act of simple remembrance. remembering when we first asked these questions, when we first lived through these experiences of not knowing. of waking up every morning and questioning if we have what it takes. if we have what it takes to be the man or woman we want to see staring back at us in the mirror. if we can be successful. if we’re intelligent, smart, handsome or beautiful.
i think we all have our own questions. as much as it’s a shared experience, the questions are very personal. and the ones you may struggle with, i may not. but as diverse, personal and individual the questions are, i believe if we peeled away the layers, if we looked deeper, we would all come to the place where at the heart of the issue, beats one question.
am i worthy?
and the sad thing, is that most of us will live our entire lives avoiding the answers. we’ll live our lives so shallow, drowning in the circumstantial, that the questions will never get faced. we will never allow ourselves to face the pain that those questions left us with.
maybe the question was first given to you by an experience in your childhood. maybe it was a heartbreak in your teen years, or the abandonment of someone close. maybe it was innocence that was stripped away. maybe it was as simple as someone important not taking the time to show you what they were supposed to show you.
however the questions present themselves, if you’re like me, this is the question you’ve realized you’ve been asking all this time. am i worthy? am i worth it?
am i worth the love of a woman?
the love of a Saviour?
will i live my life avoiding the answers? will i whitewash the walls? will i constrain myself to live in shallow tidal pools all the while dreaming of distant shorelines? or will i ask the only question that actually matters?
will i ask to be written into the great story? will i ask to be written into the song of grace? the song that started millenia ago and that is being woven together even today?
inside of that story, the questions that haunt us find their answers. the wounds we carry, find healing. and our scars, become medals. in that story, in that great overarching story written by an Author far beyond our comprehension, we find grace, we find beauty, we find we are beautiful, and we find freedom.
in that story, its not that the question gets answered. it’s that we realize, that it never really mattered.
one sonic society – burn
this weekend is full of memories. there is something about Memorial day weekend that seems to cause moments of more depth, of more story than other weekends. maybe it’s that this weekend heralds the soon arriving summer, or that it is on this weekend we pause and honestly remember. we remember those who fought and those who died, protecting the liberties and freedoms we take so often for granted.
this weekend brings memories of happy times. of camp fires, smores, trips to the lake. and it also brings with it memories that are wholly different. memories not of what did happen, but of what didnt.
memories, seem to be the theme, the subject, the story that is being told right now. i’ve caught myself more this weekend then i have in a long time, remembering. thinking back. and in some ways, looking forward.
thinking back to a time many years ago when life seemed simpler. when friends were closer and when joy was easier. when following this path, when writing this story was easier than it is now.
do i regret the decisions i’ve made between then and now? some of them, yes, absolutely. i think if we’re honest, we would all say we have things we wish we’d done and didnt, or that we did, and would give our right arm to have never done. we’ve all hungered after grace, after forgiveness, even if we didnt know it was what we needed. our stories, if they share any common thread, is that we all made mistakes, we all failed at something. that our memories, our stories of times past aren’t all full of golden moments. that there are dark times in our past, times we wished we could forget.
if anything though, it’s remembering those times, those times that remind us of old scars, memories that still need effort to push beyond, its in those memories that we find the tenacity, the desire, the will, drive and passion to make new memories. its in remembering those who’ve died for our freedoms that we remember we are free. it’s in stopping and letting the memory wash over us that we realize how far we’ve come, how the scars have healed, and in some cases, how far we have to go.
it’s in remembering, that we see our story that has been written. and it’s in remembering, that we see how many blank pages are yet to be written in.
this moment, right now, is a blank page. and how i chose to use it, the words i chose to write on it, are done so with indelible ink. once written, they will never be erased.
and my heart aches, in a good way. for the challenge, for the calling that i hear. to make these next pages count. to show those i love, that they’re loved. to love unconditionally, without fear. to learn what being a son means, and in the process, to discover what it means to be a man.
all we have, all we’re ever truly given, is a blank page and a pen. and the whispered call of the One we call Father, to follow His leading.
so as you sit, as i sit, on this day of Memorial, we should do just that. remember. remember where we’ve come from, and remember those who sacrificed their all in defense of freedom. of the freedom for us to write our own stories. and may we also look forward, to the blank pages.
may we pick up our pens, and write our stories. and may our stories, be worth telling.
Future of Forestry – Close Your Eyes
there are moments when i question. when i honestly wonder if i have what it takes. to become the man i yearn to be. to see the dreams in my heart come to pass in my life. there are moments when i question my own abilities. when i question if i’m good enough. there are moments when i honestly wonder how any woman could fall in love with a man as flawed as i am.
and i am reminded.
that it is in my weakness that He is strong. that this morning was birthed in grace. that He never let go. that i can rest.
that there is hope. for us both.
that the One who is holding me tonight….
that i am His child. no one elses.
i may not be the man i want to be, yet. but i’m closer than i was in January. and i’ll be closer still tomorrow.
Fee – Arms That Hold The Universe
there is no faith if there is no mystery. faith, in it’s most basic form, requires mystery, requires questions to be unanswered. it requires us to believe when that belief doesnt make sense. faith requires us to push beyond the safety of the harbor, even if we cannot see through the fog that surrounds us.
there is no faith, if you can see the end of your journey when you begin.
i’m thirty. and even though i can look back and see some crazy leaps of faith, some moments where i sailed farther from the shore than i had ever done, i’d always had a backup plan. i’d always kept a chart that showed how to get back to safety. just in case this leap of faith didnt pan out.
i dont want to say the same thing when i turn 31. i want to look back on my thirtieth year knowing that i took the biggest leaps of faith ive ever taken. that i gave up backup plans and put it all on the line. that i sailed farther from shore than i had ever sailed before.
and im not the only one im praying this for. i’ve got a friend in florida who’s been on my heart a lot lately. and i want the same for her. i want her to push out from shore farther than she’s ever gone, find that her heavenly Father really is all she needs, and realize all over again how much He loves her for all of who she is. that He created her. specifically. for this time in history. that she’s important and has a very specific job to do while she’s here.
because she’s gifted. and because she’s a gift.
and because it’s in pushing beyond the safe waters and into the unexplored that we find those moments of life. that we find islands previously unknown. that we experience moments of holy design. moments that wreck our preconceived notions. moments that take apart our boxes and show us that there is more to life than the safety of the cove. it’s when we take those risks that we find beauty in its rarest of forms.
when we chose to follow the Author of this story, we arent promised calm waters or even what most would consider safe passage. but we were promised that He wouldnt leave us. that we wouldn’t be alone, even during the loneliest of nights. we were promised life. full, abundant and above our wildest dreams life. life, if we would trust Him enough to push-off from shore, and away from the safety of the harbor.
Matt Redman – When All Is Said and Done
life’s too short to be lukewarm
this i know, this i know
Jesus you can have it all
my every breath, my every breath
i need Your power to live this life
this i know, this i know
i cant do this by myself
You’re Christ in me
my only hope, my only hope
as i walk this broken world
tune my life to heavens song
for i am Yours
and when all is said in and done
tune my life’s to heavens song
forevermore, forevermore
i need your power to live this life
this i know, this i know
no i cant do this by myself
You’re Christ in me
my only hope, my only hope
as i walk this broken world
tune my life to heavens song
for i am Yours
and when all is said and done
tune my life to heavens song….
sometimes things are better left alone and other times, we need to crack open the boxes that we so neatly put our past away in, sort through the remains of a life we knew, and clear that space for a box of new memories.
it’s hard work. it’s dusty, and dirty, and even getting to those boxes sometimes requires a lot of unpacking. a lot of sorting through junk. it takes effort to clear space for the good.
and yes, it is much easier to sit on the couch and bury our dreams beneath another pointless tv show, where we can watch someone else do what we’ve always wanted to to. its easier to keep the closet door shut and live a life void of relationship, void of happiness and any real joy. it’s easier to play our video games, sit behind our laptops, sip our double mocahs and watch life pass us by.
its easier, but its not freeing.
i dont want to pretend that any one persons experience is a carbon copy of another, but i know beyond doubt that we all have boxes hidden away somewhere. boxes that, when the time is right, we need to pull out. take apart, deal with, and move on.
as i went through this weekend, reopening boxes closed many years ago, i realized that i was running out of space. that as humans we have only a finite amount of room to store our memories. and if we want to create new ones, if we want to replace the pain, the hurt, and the sadness that our past may contain, we need to pull those boxes out of the closet, expose them to the light, sort through their contents, and free up that space for memories anew.
i want to clean out these boxes, deal with the history, once for all, and move on.
i’ve realized this weekend something i am sure i’ll need to be reminded of. that being – that i live in texas. and beyond any other goal this year, i want to follow the Call i hear inside my heart. the Call that has always been there. the Call of the One who has always been there, even when i doubted.
this Call that draws me towards deeper relationships, to opening my heart and letting people in, to a future that i want to see.
a future of relationship, of joy and happiness. a future where yes, there will be pain. but there will be so much more than that. a future where there is someone who i love passionately. a future where we experience life, a future of travel and seeing things and living life to the fullest.
and as i sit this weekend and unpack boxes, i know there are many more than i can deal with in one weekend. but i will deal with them. i will get through them.
i no longer want to be held back by my past, defined by my mistakes or the mistakes of others. i want to write my own story, find passion in life and dance. my god i want to dance.
there is a girl. and someday, i want to tell her how i feel.
but until that time, i’ll work, i’ll prepare. i’ll live my life to the fullest i can, and clear the memories of the past for memories of the future.
i will listen to the Call, live my life, i’ll follow my King, and i will become the man i want to be.
Passion – Awakening
like the rising sun that shines
from the darkness a light
i hear Your voice and this is my
awakening
as much as i’m beginning to understand that living life means fighting for what is worth living for, i’m also beginning to understand that my fight, my battle wont always be an epic. it wont always remind you of the Lord of the Rings, Gladiator or 300. sometimes the battle will take place in the quiet.
in the determination to simply not quit.
sometimes the battle isnt something we’re actually doing. sometimes it’s just the quiet determination to not give up. to not give in. and sometimes, our battle is simply realizing we cant. that whatever change needs to happen, whatever miracle is needed in ones life, that we are incapable.
there is beauty in that. in realizing that whatever it is we’re facing is beyond our ability to defeat. to know and understand, and accept, that we’ve done all we can. that all we can do is wait. wait on the Great Warrior to meet us where we are, to give us direction, strength, hope.
there is beauty when you realize you’re at the end of you, that you cannot do more.
there is beauty in finding the end of yourself.
Delirious – Find Me In The River
we didnt count on suffering
we didnt count on pain
but if the blessing’s in the valley
then in the river i will wait
find me in the river
find me there
find me on my knees with my soul laid bare
even though you’re gone and i’m cracked and dry
find me in the river
i’m waiting here
i didnt realize it until just a few days ago, but on february 15 my blog turned 8 (happy birthday blog!). 8 years. wow.
when i started out on this journey, one of the first things i said was that i wanted it to be real. i didnt want to pull punches or hide behind shoddily constructed white-washed walls. i’ll admit that since that time, some posts havent been the most positive. even recently i know you’ve seen me struggle. hopefully, the struggle means ive been confronting things in my life. things i’ve dealt with for years but i’ve never actually overcome.
and honestly, as i move forward, and as i face these demons once and for all, i cannot promise that future postings will be happy and full of cheer. life isnt like that. life isnt full of fluff and cotton candy. life is hard. it was meant to be. and the more i live it, the more i realize that there are things, people, worth fighting for. that there are dreams i desperately want to see come to pass. that there are people i care deeply about. people i will fight for. people i’ll put it all on the line, come hell or high-water, is that all you’ve got, fight for.
the more i live this life, the more i realize that it’s through the hardships that we come to understand true worth, that we come to realize how deep real beauty lies. that its in fighting through the crashing waves that we realize how important our next breath is. and its when we’ve seen how much depravity exists, that our eyes understand how much grace we’ve been shown.
it’s only in the darkest of our days that the we understand how important light is.
i think the most important thing i’ve learned thus far, on this journey, is that we shouldnt run from our hardships. because it’s in the midst of whatever it is we’re walking through, that we so often find what we never knew we needed.
my mp3 player is always on random. and with 30 gigs of music to chose from, it really is random. most times, i dont really focus on what’s playing as it’s really just something to help me focus at work. earlier this morning, this song came on. and although i purchased the album some time ago, this was the first time ive actually listened this song. since then, it’s been on repeat. why? because i needed to hear it.
and if you’re at all like me, then you need to hear it too.
i cannot promise that life will be easy when you wake up tomorrow. but if you stick with it, and deal with what you need to deal with, it will be beautiful. it will.
Fee – Arms That Hold The Universe
i know it seems like this could be
the darkest day you’ve known
but believe you me, the God of strength
will never let you go
He will overcome, i know
and the arms that hold the universe
are holding you tonight
you can rest inside
it’s gonna be alright
and the voice that calmed the raging sea
is calling you His child
so be still and know He’s in control
He will never let you go
through many dangers, toils and snares
you have already come
but His grace has brought you safe this far
and His grace will lead you home
and the arms that hold the universe
are holding you tonight
you can rest inside
it’s gonna be alright
and the voice that calmed the raging sea
is calling you His child
so be still and know He’s in control
He will never let you go
you can hope, you can rise|
you can stand
He’s still got the whole world
in his Hands
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 