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i think im finally beginning to see what it is that im being hurled towards. i think im finally grasping what im fighting through the crowds to see. to obtain. i think im finally beginning to see what this towering inferno is. what it represents.
my fears.
my fears of being found out. of letting someone in. of that someone i let in, finding out. that im fallible. and in so many ways, a failure.
ive lived my life only allowing certain pieces of who i am to show. terrified of not being accepted for who i truly am, for what i truly like. for the mistakes ive made, for the passions ive buried deep and for the things that break my heart.
as far back as i can remember, my heart has longed for a guidebook for this journey. a handbook on how to be me, 10 steps to becoming a man of God and other neat things….. or something to that effect. a map, or even a street sign simply pointing me down the road i’m supposed to walk.
maybe i’m beginning to learn that it’s less of a road, and more of a direction, or a goal. maybe this towering inferno i’m running to isnt so much something found on a map, but the construct of decades of living in fear. and maybe thats why i know i need to get to the top. to stand there, amidst the flames.
and watch my fears burn.
dont ask me where this image came from, because im not this creative. i dont think like this. it just flashed in my head. a picture if you will, of where i am currently. where im running to. where life is taking me.
i saw myself running against the crowds. fighting, pushing, shoving my way against throngs of people all running away. away from a towering inferno. a 20 story building on fire. thousands of people are running from it, in terror. and im fighting my way through the crowd, running towards it.
why? honestly, i’m not sure. i dont know why it just popped into my head, or why it resonated to loudly to me. i dont fancy myself a firefighter, i’ve never wanted to be one. and even though i was running towards the building, i wasnt going to put it out. because that fire to me, signifies life. signifies calling. it signifies where i am headed. and even if im the only one stupid enough to run towards the heat, the flames, so be it.
in this image, i knew where i was headed. my eyes were wide open. and there was no doubt in me about where i needed to be. i needed to be in that building. on fire.
i wasnt dependent on the crowds, i didnt need their approval or ok to go in the direction i was headed. my eyes were open, my hope was strong.
and i knew where i needed to be.
why is it that i feel that if im not worrying about something, if there isnt some burden im carrying, then im missing something? that im not doing enough?
what is it about worry that makes me fear not worrying? its as if i feel that if im not doing it all, being it all, trying with all, then i’m somehow incomplete.
why have i bought into the belief that im not supposed to be happy? that real, true joy isnt obtainable? that i dont believe this peace that passes all understanding is actually something i should have access to? that i’m somehow less worthy of that gift?
to be honest, i just contradicted myself. a gift, in its truest form, is never deserved. dictionary.com says something bestowed or acquired without any particular effort by the recipient or without its being earned.
nannyk8 has been talking a lot about the fear of the other shoe. and i think i find myself in the same situation. fear of the other shoe dropping. and somehow i convinced myself that if i only did enough, i could keep the fraying shoestring from breaking.
i think life is more about facing those fraying shoe strings, and in some cases even cutting them, than it is about frantically trying to keep those shoes from falling.
because if we’re honest with ourselves, we realize we cannot hope that the shoe wont drop. not in this world. chances are that it will, or if it doesnt, another one will take its place.
thats not fatalism, thats simple honesty. we live in a world where it’s impossible to avoid pain. even when we want to.
i’m beginning to actually get the fact that trust is of no value when there is nothing risked. im finally beginning to understand that in trusting the one i call my saviour, i must learn to stop worrying. i must learn to actually trust Him.
someone once said we’ll only ever grow as far, and go as far in life as we allow ourselves to learn. as much as that is factual, im beginning to believe we’ll only grow as far and go as far in life as we’re willing to trust Him.
it isnt trust unless something is risked. it isnt perfect peace unless you trust Him. it isnt living unless you know this perfect peace.
those are truths i know in my head. i can recite, and in some situations, i stand on those promises. but there are still times when i find myself picking up a burden too large for my shoulders. and even though i see Him standing there, offering to take my burden… i still pretend like i’ve got it. like i’m in control and that somehow carrying this weight that i wasnt destined to lift, is normal.
i convince myself that i know better than He does. and it’s all because i fear trusting Him. i fear letting go.
it isnt life, unless you trust Him with it.
He doenst promise that the shoe wont drop, but He promises to be there, even if it does. He promises to never leave. and He promises to guide us through the fire if indeed, that shoe drops.
i’ve read the story of david more often than any i’ve read about any other character in the bible. there is something about his life, about the way he lived, the pain and trials he endured, that i hold close to my heart.
there is something about his failures and victories that i see in myself. there is something in the cry of that heart of his that echoes in the depths of my own. there is something beautiful inside those stories, stories of temptation, heartache, betrayal, struggle, triumph, and defeat that ring with the sound of grace.
there is something alive inside of those stories. of the boy who would be king. stories that reflect our own lives. stories that prove that life is more than we currently see. stories that show that herding sheep on the side of a mountain for weeks and months at a time, isn’t menial. stories that prove that even our worst days have purpose. that what we’re going through right now is preparing us for what the Author has for us next.
woven inside the stories of davids life is purpose, passion, destiny. we see that now because we see the end from the beginning. we see that because we see the end result. we dont hear the heartache of the lost dreams. we dont see the tears that fell or hear the songs that were uttered out of a broken heart. we dont see the boy/king who’s only friends were the stars, sheep and smooth pebbles.
we dont hear the heartache, but it was there.
we see a boy/king who grew up knowing he was destined for something great. who grew up the smallest, and least important. we see a boy/king who was relegated to the lowliest of positions. who had his dreams brought from the recesses of his heart to the cusp of reality, and then snatched away again.
we see a young man who in a matter of months went from the lowest of jobs, to serving the king and back again. what we dont know, what we dont see; is what went on in his heart during that time.
we all want to see our dreams come true, we all have hopes and passions we hold close to ourselves. things we care for so deeply that we fear to whisper them, as if letting them be heard will somehow cheapen the value we kn0w they have. we all have dreams that we hold so tightly, that even our closest friends may not know about them.
we dont know much about what david went through during those dark days. but we do know, it wasnt his end. it wasnt the final pages, of the final chapter of his story. it may have felt like it, but it wasnt. there was a purpose for what he was going through. there was a softening of his heart that needed to happen. there were things inside ofdavid that only come to the surface when the heat was unbearably hot.
im learning that its in the times when dreams almost come true, that we find out what we’re really made of. its in the times when those dreams were so close we almost allowed ourselves the courage it would take to hope, that the real us begins to come out.. its in those times when our dreams, once so hidden and mysterious, are brought to the very cusp of reality and then shattered, that we learn what makes us tick. that we learn what really drives us.
that we learn what is in our hearts. and we learn, that it truly is something beautiful.
Needtobreathe – Something Beautiful
hey now, this is my desire
consume me like a fire
coz i just want
something beautiful to touch me
i know i am in reach
coz i am down on my knees
waiting for
something beautiful
why is it that ive felt this need to disguise things? if you knew me at all, you’d know that i’ve tried hard to be someone who didnt hide behind a well painted picket fence.
but for months now, i’ve been trying to convince myself that things are ok.
friday i came home on the verge of tears. i told God i needed whatever was next. that i’m through with where i am at. with the battles im constantly fighting. with the heartache. with the feeling of being incomplete. with feeling like there is this huge part of life i’m missing out on.
i told Him, or maybe im telling Him…. that im lonely. i am. and this isnt something easy for me to say. i’ve been in texas for 5 years and my closest friends are still more than a thousand miles away. it shouldnt be that way. i should have friends here.
i dont feel i fit. anywhere.
like a square peg in a round hole.
i left work friday, and i was done. i couldnt take another task, another email.
i just wanted to go somewhere where i fit. where i could be real and let the picket fences fall. where i could say that im not perfect, i dont have the answers…. where i could feel. where i could be real and not be afraid of peoples reactions. where i could breath deep.
i was on my way home… and He didnt say anything. there was no rending of the heavens, no angelic choir, no message in the sky.
but just as i flipped radio stations for the 2oth time, this song started. it’s been my theme song since i first heard it. and i dont know what it says about me that i’ve not gotten beyond it…. but it’s still my theme song.
because all i can do right now, is barely hold on to You.
there is something that brings both relief and rest in letting go. in coming to the conclusion that you cannot change what you want to see changed. that as much as we strive for and try to seem in control, as hard as we work to keep up the front of everything being ‘ok’, we are just as much in need of rescue as the next person.
maybe it’s something you’re dealing with internally like a challenge or hurt or personality trait that you cannot overcome on your own. maybe its something external; a situation or problem you’re facing at work, or with a friend or family member.
whatever it is, i’m slowly learning that we dont truly understand the power of this thing called grace until we finally let go. and we verbalize what’s going on. we tell someone we trust, we’re honest about it, and suddenly, it loses some of its power. because someone else knows. someone else, with a different perspective, who will be there, and pray for us. and point us to the One who promised to never leave us.
so maybe thats where i find myself tonight. no, let me correct that. that is where i find myself tonight. i am dealing with internal hurts and personality traits i cannot overcome. and im dealing with a challenge at work that honestly has me concerned. i know, we dont like to admit when something makes us nervous. but this does. this makes me nervous.
we all need these reminders. reminders of things bigger than me. reminders of the calling placed on our lives for a life bigger than me. we all need to be reminded that this isnt the end. that one situation, one challenge doesnt end our story. we all need to be reminded that grace exists. we all need to be reminded that the great chasm we sense at times, has already been bridged. we all need to be reminded that we werent made to worry, that we were given this life to live to point to the One who gives life.
we all need to be reminded that on the roads we walk, we all need grace. that no matter how much we have it together, we all need mercy and kindness and love.
so this is me, being honest about where im at. that im stuck and that im in need of resuce.
this is me, doing my best, and asking for help in letting go.
You alone can rescue
You alone can save
You alone can lift us from the grave
You came down to find us
lead us out of death
to You alone belongs the highest praise
lyrics from Delirious’s song White Ribbon Day. and yet for some reason, so much more to me.
why is it that i lose sight of that? why is it that in the busy have-to’s, the crazy requirements at work, the stress of a never ending day and all the other things we just need to get done, i lose sight of that simple truth. of that simple foundation piece.
why is it that im so quick to judge that driver in traffic and so quick to forget that i am in as much need of grace as He is? why do i try so hard to be the ‘leader’ and forget so quickly that the One who is leading me, lead by serving?
this One i follow, the Prince of Peace, the author of my story, He came 2000 years ago and promised a peace not as the world knows it but a peace that passes all understanding. why is it so easy to step out from under that and worry about our futures? or our (my) jobs? why do we chose to ignore the promises He gave us to provide for us always and instead fret what tomorrow may bring?
if He is who He says He is, then He knows tomorrow already. and if He is who He says He is, then He knows what’s best for you, not only today and tomorrow, but for every tomorrow you will face.
if you’re honest with yourself tonight, if i’m honest tonight, there would be stories we could tell… stories where we know He came through for us. moments in time that you can point to without question and share about how you shouldnt have lived through that. or about how i shouldnt be alive today.
the point is, you have a story. He’s come through for you in the past. and He will again. He promised.
so we stand, saved by His blood. and we trust in the One who is writing our stories.
i would never have guessed that in the closing months of my 29th year on this planet, these would be the circumstances that surround me. i would never have guessed the changes, the upheaval, the pain and loss, and joy and freedom that the previous 29 years would have brought.
i would never have imagined that this is where i would be.
would i have chosen these roads? this path? would i, being given the vision of my, of this future, have chosen the same road that i was asked to walk? probably not.
but that only means one thing. it means that im not as wise as i want to be. that there are bigger things at play here than i comprehend. and that even after all ive seen, all ive done, and all ive come from, that there is still a rescuer out there. that He rescued me. and that He’ll be there when i need rescuing again.
so as i stand, looking at the final few months of my 20’s, i dont fear. i may not have chosen these roads, but ive walked them.
and as i step into 2010….
i will chose to hold the hand of the one who has brought me this far.
Father let my heart be after you…
wow.
Flyleaf – “Again” video
simple. honest. the yearning of my heart.
Matt Redman – When All Is Said and Done
life’s too short to be lukewarm
this i know
this i know
Jesus, you can have it all
my every breath
my every breath
i need your power to live this life
this i know
this i know
i cant do this by myself
you’re Christ in me
my only hope
my only hope
as i walk this broken world
tune my life to heavens song
for i am yours
and when all is said and done
tune my life to heavens song
forevermore
forevermore
i need your powert to live this life
this i know
this i know
no i cant do this by myself
youre christ in me
my only hope
my only hope
as i walk this broken world
tune my life to heavens song
for i am yours
and when all is said and done
tune my life to heavens song
forevermore
forevermore
FindingTheCourageToDream.com 